I have bettered myself and want to be with him again.

[prettynthecity]

Hi everyone,

 

I was in a year and a half relationship with a wonderful guy. Unfortunately, while we were together I wasn't happy all the time. He wasn't perfect and sometimes he was a naive guy and did the wrong things (never intentionally hurtful), but other than that he was patient, kind and loving towards me.

 

We got together during a time in my life when I wasn't at my happiest. I was contending with a cross Atlantic move, missing my family and friends, dealing with a dying family member and a school I did not like attending. It seemed like everything was caving in on me and I was lonely. I sought out companionship, but I realize now I should have been working on strengthening myself mentally before ever seeking him out. Just as an fyi for you guys we met in a country in Europe but are both from the States.

 

In any case, after almost two years there I had to move back home because everything just got to be very difficult for me. By the point I went home, our relationship was finally starting to really flourish and things were going MUCH better. We talked about spending the rest of our lives together and making a move to a city in the U.S. together. But after I made it home and we could only talk via Skype or phone, things slowly started to fall back into their pattern. We weren't face to face anymore, and I felt a real lack of connection because our foundation was just starting to be really solid, slowly but surely. I retreated into "attack" mode (I felt he wasn't showing enough affection, when in reality there is never enough affection he could have shown to change the mind of a girl who was depressed and confused like me). He retreated into "defense" mode, even when I wasn't criticizing him. Sometimes I would accuse him of not doing 'enough' (to my credit, he had not bought his ticket back home to our country even when he said he would come to join me permanently. I understand why he did it -he was having doubts due to my behavior- but it still hurt me very badly), but I realize now I could have verbalized my grievances in a totally different way. And in turn, he would have responded differently. Eventually, we couldn't handle the pressure of a long distance thing while I was waiting for him to come home, and he broke up with me because I was no longer making him happy.

 

This is not to say our relationship was all bad. It wasn't. We would laugh and laugh together, and would spend hours walking around my town, exploring and people watching on benches. He held me tightly every night and told me I was very special to him, and I did the same for him. I met his family and he met mine. We genuinely liked being with each other, but my depression made me see things in a warped way, and his hardheadedness placed all the blame on me, though we mutually caused our breakup. I won't go into detail about the things he did because I won't mud sling, but he was not perfect either. But there was genuinely a lot of love between us. Sadly, sometimes love isn't enough.

 

In any case, we were both very sad at the breakup. I understand now why I was making him unhappy. It was because I was unhappy myself. Before I had moved, I was confident, had extremely high self esteem and felt on top of the world, but when I got there I realized I was frighteningly alone and it crushed me. It felt as if my world was turned upside down and I just went into a deep depression. He stood by me for that and now I realize what he said all along: "if you aren't happy inside, it doesn't matter where you live. You'll be unhappy anywhere."

 

Fast forward five or six months. I can safely say that our relationship is over. We are slowly becoming friends again, but it is taking time. I see him as a force of positivity in my life and I want to have him in my life again. I am no longer lonely or feel alone; I am happy and confident. I have a new job, I am working out 5 days a week, and I am back with friends and family. The thing is, though, I want to be more than just friends with him. I want to start over with him and make him see the person I used to be before I became depressed. This is not to say I was sad all the time (I wasn't), but a lot of issues popped up in our relationship that never would have happened had I not been depressed. I've had relationships before him and things that never bothered me in them bothered me in this one.

 

Now I am genuinely happy, and in a way, our breakup (and he) has made me realize that. I am forever grateful for that. If this never happened, I might have still been in a rut. I will never go back to the dark place I was in.

 

I just want him to realize I have changed. I didn't change for him. I changed for myself, because I am the most important person in my life. But he helped me realize that, and I have nothing but love and happiness for him in my heart. In nine months I will go back to the country where we met (he still lives there) because I have friends and family there (I'll be on vacation for two weeks). During that time, it would be both of our birthdays (a week apart). I was wondering: if we take things slowly as friends and then keep things friendly and jovial, is there a possibility he will see that I have changed/accept my invitation to dinner for his birthday? I still want the best for him and want only the utmost happiness to be in his life. I know if we were to take things slowly, things would be 100% different now because I have a sense of clarity I didn't before. Not to mention, my bruised self esteem is healed.

 

I would ask him right now but the time difference doesn't allow it, and well, I can't ask him to dinner if we live on separate continents. But I know he misses me and still thinks about me since he sends me emails time to time with interesting things to read, or helpful tips that I may use in my line of work, or funny things that I might laugh at online. He is open to friendship, but wants to take things slowly.

 

What are my chances?

[Glowguy]

I think there is always a chance for reconciliation if the BU was civil, neither party was wronged, and both people still care about each other and have had time apart to reflect on things. Depression can definitely take a toll on a relationship and I think if he sees the changes you have made and enjoys your company, then he might reconsider. It sounds like things are headed in the right direction and taking it slow is the right way to go.

 

Best of luck to you!

[prettynthecity]

I won't say I was *severely* depressed, but my view of life was definitely skewed in a way that I never experienced before. They say that all it takes is one traumatic experience (all subjective) for a person to really retreat. I am prone to introspection, but I had never been sad like that before. I wasn't suicidal or violent, but I just felt a dull ache for weeks at a time.

 

Now I have everything in control and have regained my sense of self. I am the person I used to be, and I cannot say he didn't help me to push myself towards getting better. Now I am at peace with myself, and my self esteem is much, much better.

 

For a while after the breakup, I was very angry at him, and then he was very angry at me, but I wouldn't call the breakup uncivil. We said hurtful things to each other in anger, but all has been forgiven. I have forgiven him of all the times he has wronged me, and he's forgiven me. I would love to start out on a clean slate and take things slowly.

 

I just heard that he finally opened up a business where he is living and had been wanting to do that for a while. My heart is so happy for him. I wish him all the best.

 

Thanks for your response!

[DN]

If he has opened a business would that mean that if the relationship were to resume that it would be long-distance?

[Ms Darcy]

The hard part is that you are on separate continents. Also, seeing that you have changed doesn't make someone want you again, as you know. It's a tough situation.

[prettynthecity]

To answer your question DN, I've been given the amazing opportunity to attend grad school at a private university in that country for free. The school has a very good reputation and it's always been a dream in the back of my mind to go to that school (when I went to school in that country I did undergrad and didn't like the school I was in; this new school is internationally ranked and very well known), so I'm going to take a leap of faith in life. No regrets- I'll branch out, and if I don't like it, I'll come home with the realization of knowing I tried. It's better than never trying at all.

 

But he'll most likely be there until he has kids- he said he would never raise kids there, preferring them to be raised back in the U.S. where he has family. Kids aren't in the near future for him, so if we were to get back together again it would be because I'd be living back there (most probably not in the same town) but still in that country nevertheless for school. So it's possible we'd be able to see each other often.

 

Ms Darcy, you're absolutely right. But the fact remains that he and I are still friendly, just taking things slowly. He still calls me adorable and still says I have a beautiful smile (Skype). He still 'looks out for' me and I do him. I think in a situation where we're civil, there's always a chance for reconciliation. We don't hate each other, and I'm willing to bet he misses me. I know for a fact he is also recommending my services (I work freelance sometimes), calling me competent and great.

[DN]

In that case I think you should go for it.

[Ms Darcy]

Good luck - let us know how it goes!

[prettynthecity]

Hey guys.

 

I woke up to two e-mails from him, where he recommended I join a professional association for the field I work in. He sent me helpful links and told me to go for it.

 

I find two things:

1. I don't want to bombard him with "omg omg omg let's get back together! I miss you!" because as much as I want to run into his arms, I know right now it will only push him away. I tended to cling before due to my own insecurities (which never happened before him ever. I'm telling you, it was just the dynamics of what was going on in my OWN life and had nothing to do with how he treated me.), and now that I find myself not clinging and having my own life, he seems to respond to that much better. If I go a day or two without answering an e-mail, sometimes he'll send another one. So in this way I'm not just telling him I've changed, I'm showing him.

 

2. If between now and March when I have my vacation he finds someone else, how do I go about still possibly seeing him and taking things slowly? By then, he and anyone new wouldn't be dating for very long, and I know he has told me he doesn't want to see anyone new for at least a year to get his own life back on track, but you never know. He also, when we met, wasn't in the best of situations as he had no savings and had some anxieties about his job. He and I had an almost instant, electric connection though and he told me all the time I was beautiful. Our sex (not to get too graphic) was also the best we've both ever had. I couldn't imagine that would happen with someone else, but it's always possible.

[DN]

Surely you are not thinking of waiting until March to do something?

[prettynthecity]

I don’t intend on waiting until March, definitely not! I want to become his friend again so at the point where I get there in March, if I knock on his door unexpectedly or if I say “hey, I’m going to be in town for two weeks, wanna get together for dinner?”, he’ll answer with a “yes”. If I asked him right now to get back together with me it would be WAY too soon for him, but if I slowly ease my way back in as a friend, and we both discover each other again, I guess, it has a better shot of working out.

 

Do you think that if things keep going equally as well from now until then, and if we keep becoming closer and closer as friends, if I knock on his door unexpectedly on my birthday (I’ll be there for my birthday) and ask him out to dinner with me, it would be a good idea?

[DN]

No, I don't think doing anything unexpectedly is a good idea. I believe you need to rethink your whole strategy.

[doiiiieeezie]

I agree with DN... you need to rethink. What do you really expect things to happen... and in reality... not what you feel?

 

I'm in a similar situation where I said to him.. lets take this slow, wait wait wait. Now he is on a GIGS path.

 

You have an opportunity to change this for both you and him... so think realistically and with your heart, not your dreams.

[prettynthecity]

How do I approach the situation, then? I'm afraid if I mention to him right now, "I'm coming in March and would like to see you on my birthday" he'll think it's too soon. Whearas, say, in a couple of months if things keep going the way they are, if I bring it up he'd most likely be open to it.

 

How should I phrase everything? Also mentioning that I've taken a good look at how I treated him and treated myself, and would love the chance for.. another chance, but slowly?

[DN]

 

How should I phrase everything? Also mentioning that I've taken a good look

at how I treated him and treated myself, and would love the chance for.. another

chance, but slowly?

This. ........

[prettynthecity]

It's such a crapshoot because I don't want to scare him away, but at the same time if he has the same feelings I do, he wouldn't be scared away. The issue is he still might think I am as depressed as I was back then, but I'm really not. Because we live so far away, what can I do to give him a better idea of the person I have become today?

[prettynthecity]

I think I might as well just give up. From what I read here, it seems that if he really wanted to be with me, he would have let me know by now.

 

Le sigh.

[prettynthecity]

I have an update for all of you:

 

We've been speaking almost regularly via e-mail, sometimes phone and we're getting along well.

 

I asked him if he would be open to meeting up/hanging out in the future and he said yes.

 

Score!

[Maverick1984]

Word of advice - Don't make things easy for him.

 

The easier you make him get you, the easier it will be for him to let you go.

 

It's a sad fact of life.

[doiiiieeezie]

Word of advice - Don't make things easy for him.

 

The easier you make him get you, the easier it will be for him to let you go.

 

It's a sad fact of life.

 

Don't play too hard to get, but take it one day at a time. Showing that you have changed and grown personally doesn't happen overnight. Babysteps.

[DN]

I think it would be a huge mistake to play any games with this guy especially playing hard to get.

[mhowe]

I would keep doing what you're doing --- emails, skype(?) ---- regular communication --- just not over communication. Let him know you're thinking about school over there....and if/when it feels right (and hopefully, way before March) maybe go over for a week.....you can do it with out it being "more than friends"...it sounds like he can tell you've changed and is open to exploring a future....

[prettynthecity]

Thanks for the replies!

 

I work so I don't know if I will have time for a vacation to see him in Europe before March, though I would love to do so! Also, if I were to go before March it would be CLEARLY for him as January and February (when I would have a break from school) are notoriously cold and he knows I don’t like cold weather, so he’d know I’d be going there just to see him. Which is what I don’t want because it would be too obvious. However, if we’re getting along really well by then, I might be able to change my plans and include an earlier trip.. who knows?

 

Yesterday I called him, and he sounded happy to hear from me. He said he appreciated that I called and asked me for some advice on business matters. He values my opinion again and it feels great, but at the end of the day, I value my own opinion and self worth already- his extra appreciation is only the icing on the cake. Thanks guys!

 

Edit to say: I'm not interested in games! Just honesty.

[prettynthecity]

We spoke on the phone again just about pleasantries and I said to him: "if we had met now considering the place I am in in my life, we would have still been together." After I blurted it out, I regretted it, but he said, "I really think so! You're right."

 

And after that, I said I had to go because he had to eat dinner and I don't want to keep him. I don't want to overload him with me going on and on about sappy stuff. Gotta introduce it slowly! I think if we lived closer by each other, this would be easier and we would be having dinner together already.

[Ms Darcy]

That's not a bad sign. Just take it slow.