I have bettered myself and want to be with him again.

[qrstuv]

hey,

 

i'm really curious as to how it turns out between you too. i was in a similar situation myself. except i was really terrible.

[prettynthecity]

Hey,

 

As of now we're not speaking every day, but we'll send e-mails back and forth every two days or so, and I'll usually call him. It's going to take some work on my part since he might still be unsure of how I'm doing, etc. but he seems to be coming around slowly but surely.

 

I'm taking things slowly and making sure I don't come on *too* strong. I keep thinking about what we will do when we go for dinner together; I wonder what would happen if I give him more than just a 'friend' hug.

[prettynthecity]

Just another update:

 

There is a possibility that for work I will be in town by him much earlier than expected. He said he would like to take me out to a place I’d always wanted to go with him, and that he thanks me for the phone calls.

There was a girl with my name in a movie he used to watch after we broke up, and he said at first it bothered him, but now he sees it and thinks about it and is happy.

Good signs?

[qrstuv]

that sounds good to me

[prettynthecity]

We've been chatting for about an hour and half almost every day. He's not fully 'comfortable' but he's getting there. I'm taking it slowly.

 

I've been eating more healthily, working on myself and have been running and working out and asked him 'do you want me to show you pictures in three months? Be careful though, you might fall in love!" (In 3 mos. one of my programs will be finished. But it's only the first round for me, I'm making this a complete lifestyle change.) He responded, "you're probably right!" (about him falling in love).

 

Scoooooore!

[prettynthecity]

We spoke yesterday and I basically told him everything on this thread. Saying I forgive him for everything that ever happened between us and that I truly value him as a person and value having him in my life, but I couldn't value him then because of the way I felt inside. He was very appreciative and very receptive, saying it felt great for him to hear me say those things. He thinks it's great that I got my life back on track but he thinks if I go back to that country, I will just fall into a depression again. I know I won't because now after therapy and really concentrating hard on getting back into the swing of things, I now have the tools to recognize when I am feeling down and now know how to deal with it.

 

He said that he doesn't see us getting back together any time soon because we have a lot of history, and I agree. I don't want to get back together soon but I do want us to get to know each other all over again and if it leads to a relationship, that's wonderful. I want to keep bettering myself (it's never too much when you concentrate on getting stronger), and move back there because *I* want to do it over again since I didn't make the most out of it the first time. He has said that he will meet with me any time for dinner and will take me to a place where we used to live that I always wanted to go to, so I know he is open to seeing me again and that's great. We're civil to each other and still make each other laugh and usually talk for a long time when we're on the phone together.

 

Even if he still feels uneasy about getting back together at this moment and being long distance (so do I), does it seem to you that he is open to it in the future?

[DN]

So you told him you forgive him - but did you ask forgiveness for what you did to him? And if you did say that - which did you say first?

[prettynthecity]

He has always forgiven me completely. He never held a grudge against me and has never had a problem forgiving me. It was me who couldn't let go.

 

He always answers the phone when I call, but now I think it is time for me to back off. I don't want to play games but I also don't want to overload him. This time, I don't want to mess things up. I can tell him I've changed until I am blue in the face, but the only way I can show him I am my own person is by not contacting him. It's so difficult though when still I would like to run into his arms and start over.

 

Do you think I have a chance?

[hazelnut321]

Prettynthecity, Great post!

 

First, I would like to say that it sounds promising, from your description, that you two have a chance at reconciliation. He clearly cares about you deeply. You are correct to think that he may be dating someone new in March- that's a long time to go without a special some one. However, I'm a firm believer that "if it's there, it's there" and if you had the physical connection before, it will still be there. Just a friendly hug when you see him should tell you.

 

But just like Ms. Darcy said, changes matter not, if he doesn't have it for you. I've dealt with that before. I tried to be "just friends" with a former MAJOR love who broke up with me. LIke you, I was depressed because my only child moved 800 miles away to attend college when we started dating. I screwed the relationship up, I drank to excess at times, cried at the drop of a hat, etc. I changed too, but it didn't matter. By the way, you don't have to "show him". He will know!

 

Good luck to you-

[prettynthecity]

Hi Hazelnut! Cute username.

 

Your post is very interesting to me, because I was on the receiving end of my mother's sadness which in turn made me extremely sad. She would call me constantly crying, guilt tripping me, and it made me fall into a deep depression. I questioned everything I was doing. I was already feeling alone and trying to start a new life from zero and there I was receiving phone calls at all hours of the day telling me to come home and that everyone is depressed without me. It was a LOT of guilt that was placed on my shoulders. I even questioned my own happiness and wouldn't let myself be happy, thinking that surely I was wrong for being happy while my mother and rest of family were so sad with me gone. Filial piety goes a long way, especially in an Italian American household.

 

When my relationship came along, I was desperate for companionship and for someone to be on my side, and I found someone who was there for me through thick and thin until I pushed him to the breaking point. I was holding grudges and clinging onto sadness because I feel that sadness became my identity. Granted, I wasn't sad every day but by then I had fallen into a rut which I couldn't find my way out of. We had lots and lots of fun together but in general by then it was easier for me to be sad about things than to snap out of it and take the reigns on my emotions.

 

However, I was forced to snap out of it when I moved back home, was confronted with a cousin who had cancer and a dying grandmother (with whom I was extremely close) and he broke up with me. I pushed him away (like I said, he wasn't perfect but he was the more forgiving, consistent partner while I was all emotions).

 

I wonder if he may find someone new, but we've both told each other there is no way we're dating anyone anytime soon. When I met him he had broken up with his ex and didn't want to date for at least a year after her. He was trying to get his own life back on track, and then I came along and we had to go REALLY slowly before actually dating. He lives on his own in a very, very small town in the mountains and works from home. The only time he goes out is to go to the supermarket or get things he needs. He hasn't seen mutual friends of ours in over a month and so I doubt he will find someone new even by March (but never say never). On top of that, girls have a tendency to pursue him because at first, he seems to be a bit aloof and wrapped up in his own things. He's not the type of guy to pursue someone- both his ex before me, the ex before that and I were the ones to pursue him. He's kind of okay with being alone until he is actually in a relationship and then he's happy in the relationship too. I think that's the way to be- happy when you're alone and happy when you're not.

[hazelnut321]

So you were on the other side of the coin and it made you depressed. I can understand that! I tried not to guilt trip H too much- I knew it might happen. I'm the only family that she has in Atlanta. We are originally from a big city in Texas- all her relatives, including her dad live there.

 

Your last sentence should be all of our mantra's. Yes that's what we should strive for.

 

Good luck- it sounds like you might not even need it.

[prettynthecity]

He said it will be hard for him to trust me again. When he broke up with me and I was VERY hurt, I contacted his ex (but confessed to him immediately). I just needed validation that I wasn't crazy or horrible since a lot of the things that happened in our relationship happened in theirs (he told me). I wondered if I was a bad person, if I totally caused the relationship to fail, etc. It was only like 3-5 emails back and forth and that was that, but he felt really betrayed by it. He understands why I did it, and he's forgiven me (he wasn't an angel either) and we've moved past it, but I am working towards showing him I *am* trustworthy (because I am. I would never cheat, lie or disrespect). I did this after we broke up and he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, so to be honest, I had no loyalties to him at that point (and neither did he towards me).

 

I feel horrible about it, most of all for hurting him. But to be honest, it helped me feel better because I know the end of the relationship was not all on my shoulders. It helped me to get over my issues actually. Mostly I have forgiven myself for doing it, but if I could take back the hurt towards him I would, x 1000.

 

Regardless, we talk every day now and it seems like we are growing closer again. Do you think I will stand a chance? We've forgiven each other and we continue to look out for one another. I heard once that getting back together is only possible and most likely to be successful if you try it more than a year after the breakup.

 

I really hope we can do this.

[hazelnut321]

I am trying not to put a time frame on matters of the heart. Everyone and every relationship is different. I've known people who have reconciled very quickly.

 

If you are talking daily--- that's a VERY optimistic sign!!

[prettynthecity]

I hope!

 

Thanks for reading my thread and responding. I think you and I can offer great advice to each other since we seem to have shared many experiences. I really appreciate your input.

[prettynthecity]

Oh well, I think I blew it.

 

Yesterday we were talking and I kind of let something slip that upset him. We were talking about how we've been, what we've been up to, etc. and I mentioned a casual date I went on months ago who had just now resurfaced in my life. I only mentioned it because he literally resurfaced like an hour before our conversation. What happened was, I met this guy at school and only went out with him ONE time a couple of months ago because I was so upset about not being with my ex. I went out with him just for a little positive attention and just to have a good night. He kissed me good night in his car and clearly wanted to have sex. I declined, he got angry, I left and we never spoke again. That was it.

 

Yesterday I heard from a mutual friend that this guy badmouthed me because I wouldn't sleep with him (but he conveniently forgot to mention WHY he badmouthed me. He just said I was stuck up. How mature! We're not teenagers anymore- grow up). I told my ex about the fact that I found out someone called me stuck up (not every detail), and he kept pressing for the reason why someone would call me that, I told him and he got upset and said "Why are you telling me this?" and then "I gotta go" and now I think he's really upset with me.

 

What he doesn't understand is that I only went out with that guy after we broke up because I was so devastated about my ex and I just wanted a break from being sad. The guy was a total ass on the date and I didn't like him at all. Total non issue for months until it surfaced again yesterday and I had a chuckle about it. I was speaking to my ex as if he were a friend (my ex was the one who said "we can only be friends if you've moved on," not me). Now I feel like I may have upset him and I just hope I didn't. After our breakup he was telling me I had to move on, practically begging me to date other guys and now that I tell him about one date I went on he gets upset. Is the fact that what I told him was upsetting to him an indication that he still has feelings for me?

 

I would NOT get back together with my ex right now because I still have work to do but I would like to in the future. But does this mean that he himself has not fully moved on despite telling me to do so? I have exes before him from which I have totally moved on; one even got married and I was happy for him (because my feelings were gone). When your feelings are out of the way, you can be happy for one another if they find someone else. So does he still like me in some way?

 

By the way, if my ex had told me about a date HE went on after our breakup, I would be a little bit upset but I realize we are not together and he was the one who broke up with me so he is free to do as he pleases. He broke up with me and now he's upset I went on another date? I don't get it.

[prettynthecity]

Basically what I'm trying to say is this:

 

After him saying for a while now that he just wants to pick up and move on, it seems that he's really not moved on at all. About a month ago he sent me an e-mail saying he wants to be friends but we can't do that until "you [me] can be happy for me if I tell you I am dating someone new." It seems to me that if the tables were turned and I told him I found someone new, he'd be upset.

 

I don't want to upset him, but I went on a couple of dates after we broke up just to get him out of my mind. It doesn't mean I fell in love with those guys (I didn't). It means I went on a few dates, called it a night and nothing came of it. Nothing more, nothing less. It means that guys still find me attractive, and I still value myself as an attractive, worthwhile person.

 

It all seems to make sense to me now. He's there, alone working from home in the mountains, and I've been the one who made progress- he has not. He didn't come back with me when I moved back to the U.S. because he said he had more traveling to do in Europe and he wanted to see all these cities and things he never got to before coming home to the U.S. As of yet, he hasn't gone anywhere despite swearing up and down to me that this would be his last hurrah (while we were still together) and then he would come to the U.S. with me and we'd start a life together. He's still up there in his apartment alone and hasn't been anywhere.

 

He said he would move into the city when we broke up. It's been 5 months and he still hasn't moved. He said he would open an office now that my sadness wasn't holding him back. Still no office. He said he had saved up for a new car (his car is 20 years old) now that he can concentrate on only taking care of himself, not me. Still no car.

 

It's clearer and clearer to me that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't the one "holding him back" at all- it was himself. Here I am making leaps and bounds in my life with a new job, my old friends back in my life, getting straight A's in college, losing weight, working out and feeling healthy and he's still there the same as he ever was, as if time itself stood still. I'm not sure I want to get back with him now that I realize this. Because even though I've changed, he hasn't changed one iota. He hasn't learned anything from our relationship. He's not a very emotionally open person, and I doubt that will ever change. I am the complete opposite. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am very affectionate. I feel like finally there is sunshine in my life and I wonder if he somehow contributed to my sadness after all. He did some pretty mean things (not intentionally I'm sure) and now that I think of it, it was no way to treat me.

[mhowe]

It's called an epiphany! Or, if you're of the Oprah generation, an "ahhh haaa" moment. You've hit the nail on the head --- the BU wasn't about you, it was about him. All the things he was going to do....and nothing. You, on the other hand, looked in the mirror and said "how can I learn from this and become a better person?"....

 

Life lesson learned. Congratulations!!!!!!

[DN]

I don't think it was wise to have brought that up. Yes, you were free to do as you pleased but, like he said, why would you tell him about it?

[prettynthecity]

It was a mistake and I shouldn’t have mentioned it but it literally just came out of my mouth and by then I couldn't back track because he wanted to know what I meant. I was sincerely speaking to him as if he were a friend, as he's repeatedly told me to do. Besides isn't it the pot calling the kettle black? He tells me to date to move on, but when I do, he gets upset about it? When he broke up with his ex he constantly told her about the things he did with other girls (he told me when he broke up with her he wanted to hurt her because she had hurt him so much). So he purposely chose to remain friends and then would tell her all the details of his new dates like a play by play- where he took them, when they kissed, etc. and about all the 'titty bars' he was going to. I mentioned going on one date, the guy that I went out with being a jerk, never calling him again and my ex gets upset.

 

I just now realize that he will never change. He is a lone wolf and he is okay with that. And some people don’t need other people and it’s perfectly okay. He never really wanted to move away with me because that meant a whole set of responsibilities he wasn’t ready for- it meant getting a 9 to 5 or really working hard freelancing, something he is very good at but doesn’t put 100% effort into. It would mean him buckling down and facing the realities of his life- the fact that he is going to be 30 this year with no savings in the bank, no home to call his own, no family members who live near him, not many friends he can go to with real problems or issues, and no college degree so should he move very little job prospects in his field. He thought he had all the answers- everything in our relationship was my fault. As long as he pays little to no rent in the mountains with his old beat up car and little responsibilities, he’s fine. I don’t want that. I want bigger, I want better. I want a real life in a city with friends, a good job and the possibility to buy myself a home. I always feared with him I would have money problems. I am not a gold digger but when you think of one day having a family the thought of being with a man who isn’t fully committed to working and saving is scary. Not everyone wants what I want and that’s okay too. His parents got divorced when he was 2 for the exact reasons I was afraid- his father couldn’t support his family.

 

Yes, I was depressed. But no, it the breakup was not all my fault. I have this sneaking suspicion if he had been a little bit different towards me, I wouldn’t have taken so long to get out of my slump. He did a lot of hurtful things to me without even realizing it. He swore the reason he was so anxious and not doing well financially was me- that relationships were a burden and a cross to bear. But they’re not. They’re so not. Relationships take work, yes, but they are also a blessing and are beautiful. He never had that passion for me that I had for him. Plain and simple. I wanted to get back with him because I wanted to somehow cultivate that passion but I realize it will never happen. He doesn’t have it in him.

 

I’m better off alone.

[prettynthecity]

So yesterday I didn't even bother speaking to him, and I won't do so today either.

 

Now that I re-elaborate, sure, I miss his hugs and I miss going out to eat and hiking and doing fun things, but I don't want to spend more nights crying in the bathroom wondering if he really wants to be alone deep down inside.

[prettynthecity]

Just an update: I've gone full NC.

 

The more I think about it, the more I realize I could have been the prettiest, sweetest, most intelligent and competent girl in the world and he would have never moved for me. It was outside of his comfort zone and it would have meant taking on new responsibilities that even at almost 30 years old, he is not now (nor probably ever) ready for. I tried my hardest to be good to him, and yes, I was sad because I was living away from home, but I know in my heart after re-elaborating the situation over and over that he definitely contributed to my sadness. Not intentionally, mind you, he was just very difficult to understand and get along with because he wasn't "open."

[prettynthecity]

Still NC. And I feel WONDERFUL.

 

If he ever comes around and decides not to be a loan wolf, I'm not going to take him back asap. I've made leaps and bounds and so should he; to expect anything less would be to short change myself and I don't ever want to do that again.