NC journal and place for me to rant.

[browneyedgirl36]

Deavyin, I have to say this, and please don't take it the wrong way, OK?

 

First of all, I don't think you're "crazy" at all -- I've been in your shoes (dated a co-worker, though he was "the one," got broken up with -- although in my case it wasn't for someone else), had to continue to work with the guy when my feelings were still very raw, etc.) so I know a lot of what you're feeling; I too have not had very many relationships (and I'm 40, and a woman), and I know that feeling of dread that you may never find anyone else you felt so strongly for. I totally hear you. I understand why this is so painful and maddening for you. It was for me for a long time, and, from time to time, I am still unsettled about my ex, who I have dated off and on for several years (yeah, big mistake on my part, as he has no plans to commit to me, and I have finally gotten that through my head.)

 

That said...your recent contact with her has set you back, big time. It's clear from your most recent post, in which you talk of "waiting this guy out" and gaining back the attraction, etc. You may tell yourself you're trying to move forward, but you've got yourself in a holding pattern here. You are still hoping for her to come back, and...you are waiting for it, even if you won't admit it to yourself. I know why you texted her -- not about the water bottles, or your favorite drink not being on tap at the local pub anymore -- but because you are in pain, and something in you is telling you that contact from her, even just a little text here and there, will relieve your pain. The truth is, it will -- temporarily -- until you feel the pain start to worsen again, and you need that contact from her, that "fix" to make the pain go away (or at least to lessen it). The thing is, it's like drugs -- or what I know about drugs from studying drug addiction in college, since I've never used them -- you keep needing that "fix," and then when you get it, it's good for a little while, but then you need it again, and more of it, and more frequently, in order to feel "normal," or at least to feel OK (not miserable). The thing is, that drug -- whether it be real drugs, or obsessive need for validation from someone you used to have a relationship with -- is causing you damage, a little bit at a time. It's chipping away at your well-being. At some point, it will never be enough, and there will be nothing that will make it feel OK. In this case, particularly since this girl is with someone else and not available to you -- it's particularly damaging. You say you want your dignity back -- that's good. Go out and get your dignity back -- by exercising (but be careful of trading one obsession for another), hanging with friends, learning new things, finding hobbies and interests, reading -- doing things to better yourself and make your life better and more interesting and more fulfilling for YOU.

 

So much of what holds you back here is your thinking. I know of what I speak -- I read your posts and see SO many similar thought patterns that I used to have. I had a similar "internal script" to yours -- "this is so unfair," "why does this keep happening to me," "it took me forever to find this one, and it'll be forever before the next one comes along," etc. It wasn't until my last breakup that I really started working on my thinking, on realizing that nearly everything I was telling myself was either 1) a lie; or 2) something that I could not verify or prove to be true because it was based on assumptions/speculation. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) really helped me with this, as did journaling, spending time with positive people, and reading some good self-help type books, such as "Feeling Good" and the one from which my signature quote comes -- "The Secret of Letting Go," by Guy Finley. "The Four Agreements" is a good one too -- and it really connects to your situation because a couple of the agreements related directly to what you're dealing with: "Don't take anything personally," and "Don't make assumptions." These two things are VERY important. They are hard concepts to master, and I still find myself struggling with them, but it's definitely worth a try, and I have come a LONG way at both of these things over the last couple of years.

 

Anyway...the point of my post is...the focus on HER needs to shift to a focus on YOU...the energy you are putting into her needs to be re-directed to YOU. It's very hard, and you will not always be 100% successful at it. No one expects you to forget her completely or not still want her back, but ask yourself, when you're tempted to do something to "show" her what a great guy you are, or when you're at the gym working on that six-pack, whatever -- WHO are you doing it for, and WHY? If you can't say that you're doing it for YOURSELF, you need to re-focus your thoughts and your priorities. You should be your #1 priority.

 

Hang in there.

[deavyin]

I know that I am opening a pandora's box and that it is probably stupid to keep in contact with her.

 

It's just so hard to deal with NC when you feel this way about a person. I'm torturing myself over this and it's really taking over every aspect of my life. I've read some of those books you mentioned and a bunch more. Shortly after the break up I bought like 15 "how to get over you relationship" self help books and none of them made me feel ok about this. Some of the made sense in an objective way but i'm having trouble maintaining objectivity. I can't push the thoughts out of my head that we were meant to be and that I can have her back if I put in the effort. It's a fools hope but my heart just doesn't want to let go of this one and I really wish it would because I want to go back to just living my life.

 

The 6 pack is just a goal of mine. I used to have one and I lost it; it want it back now. I am not working out for her at all. She might have been the straw that broke the camels back but, if she were to fall off of the face of the planet and I never spoke or saw her again, I'd still be doing this. I'm just tired and fed up with being out of shape. That being said: of course I want her to notice the difference. A part of me will probably always want her to think "wow, what was I thinking...look at him; he's gorgeous". It won't change anything at all and I know that.

 

As for 'waiting him out' I don't have any other choice right now. I have decided, after sending those texts today, that I am not going to contact her again. I did the best thing that I could which was leave on a good foot and I know that I should keep it that way. I didn't end arguing with her, cursing at her or begging her to come back. I said that I am doing well (even if not nearly true) and that I was sorry for how I took things and that there is no bad blood between us. Even if she never comes back to me (and yes, I know that she will NEVER come back to me...i get that) at least, in the future, I can look back and say "I didn't handle it well at first but I made up for that and walked away with my head held up high".

 

I just hate reading all these stories of couples getting back together. It just fills me with so much stupid hope for the two of us. I really wish I could look into the future and see what was going to happen so I could just get it over with now. I hate the uncertainty.

 

As for now it's back to NC. If she contacts me again (which isn't likely unless I contact her first) i'll come right here and post about it. I'm going to need you guys to talk me out of contacting her because I know that you are all right about this. If I pretend to be her friend it's just going to make things easier on her and harder on me. She'll think she can have it both ways and sadly that isn't the truth.

 

Neither of us can give each other what we want. She doesn't want to be my g/f and I can't settle for just being her friend (at least while she is with him and probably not ever). I just can't stand how long this takes to feel 'normal' again. I swear to god I want to break down like 10 times a day because this is just so painful to me. She left me for another guy and is happier with him....I hate it so much ....so * * * * ing much.

[deavyin]

also, how do I stop checking her facebook account? It's such a horrible addiction. I wish I couldn't see EVERYTHING she puts up on there (she has 0 privacy settings and she refused to put up any when I asked). I have blocked her a million times but it's just so easy to unblock her. I really don't know how to go about it because it's such an addictive force. It's the only thing I have of her left and without her I feel like nothing. I seriously go to work (and barely get anything done because my mind is racing all day) and come home to work out then lay on my couch and just marathon through tv shows until I can fall asleep and do it all over again. I hate this cycle my life has taken. It's so incredibly routine and boring and gives me so much time to just sit and dwell and feel miserable and wonder how much super awesome fun she is having with her new 'better' life without me.

[browneyedgirl36]

About FB --- I 'm not sure what to tell you. Maybe you need to de-activate your FB for awhile -- not delete it completely (well, I guess you can't -- FB won't let you -- LOL!) OR...have a friend change your FB password for you and not tell it to you so that you CAN'T go on it for awhile, at least not until your emotions settle. My ex and I weren't even FB friends until like six months ago (our first date was nearly five years ago!) I knew he was on FB, but I never requested him because I didn't WANT to see what was going on in his life. He didn't realize we weren't friends on FB -- he thought we had been for a long time and that I just never posted -- and when he found out we weren't, he immediately added me. I have NEVER -- not even ONCE -- looked at his wall since he added me. The only "contact" I have with him on FB is the news feed, and I have decided that if it's ever too painful for me to see his posts (he posts rarely, and never anything particularly personal), I will just block him on the newsfeed. I am shocked at my willpower, actually, and that I've never looked at his wall! Apparently, that's a hard thing for most people to avoid.

 

As for the "routine" of coming home and watching TV -- you're in that sort of "vegetative state" that we all tend to go through after a breakup -- where everything's a chore and where you don't feel like doing much of anyting. At least you're exercising -- that's good! And, as long as you're doing it for YOU, that's even better! Now, try something: Add one more "thing" per day that you do besides working out and watching TV. Maybe one night you'll go to a friend's house. Maybe another you'll cook yourself something you've always wanted to try making. Maybe on a weekend morning you'll go to a coffee shop and read the paper (or one of those books you've been reading) and people-watch. Just ONE thing that is different from your normal routine. Try to do one little thing every day.

 

I see your point about the self-help books. I have long said that I am frustrated by cognitive dissonance -- that disconnect between KNOWING what is true objectively/intellectually and BELIEVING/ACTING ON it. I *know* objectively that breakups are not the end of the world as I know it; I know that my ex is not the "one" for me (or that he doesn't believe I am the "one" for him -- or else he'd be with me); I know that I CAN get past all this. It's truly internalizing those truths and acting on them that is hard. But -- as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous -- "one day at a time." I like to paraphrase that and say "One MINUTE at a time" -- because sometimes, that's what it's all about -- that moment by moment getting through it and getting closer to coming out on the other side of it.

[deavyin]

Day 1 NC start-over

 

I went for a 10 mile bike ride and then hit the gym last night (part of my work out routine) and while I was out on the bike I realized that opening the line of communication would only set me back because the closer we got the more hope i'd have and it would be foolish of me to have hope that this girl will ever come back.

 

I sent her a text message last night explaining that it was probably a mistake. That I subconsciously convinced myself that it would be totally fine to chat with her but then I saw her a little while later by the copier and realized there were still feelings there. I said that I know now we will never be able to give each other what we want. She'll never want to be my g/f and I'll never be able to settle for just friends. I said that is probably why i asked her earlier to never contact me again regardless of what I sent to her. I said that sometimes someone comes into your life and has such a huge impact that it changes everything for the better. Even if it's hard to see that initially. I thanked her for making me look into the mirror and realize there were things about myself that I was not happy with. That I initially started to work out for her but when I realized there was 0 chance of getting her back that I switched the focus to me and now I have lost 25 lbs and will have a 6 pack in 4 months time and that it's too bad i couldn't share the fruits of my hard work with her. I told her that I'll always cherish the time we spent together and i'll be able to look back and say "see that beautiful amazing creature? Even for a short period of time I was the most important person to her in the world". I wished her all the happiness in life whoever it happens to be with and signed off with a pet name she called me when we were together.

 

That was around 8 last night and she hasn't responded yet. I don't think she will respond because it was basically me saying that talking isn't a good idea.

 

I hate that everyone who knows us both keeps telling me "man, she'll come crawling back and sooner than later...trust me on that".

 

I keep telling them "look, there is no way that will happen" but they just reply "ok ok, we'll see when it happens and then we'll see who was right". It's a little annoying because it gives false hope. However, they don't know HIM and they don't know her attraction to him over me (nor do I). So it's not like they are objective in this.

 

Oh well, back to NC and probably going to stay that way. I opened the lines of communication and then realized it was a mistake and won't do that again. She has no intentions of contacting me again after this so it looks like it's NC for the long haul.

 

She is making the biggest mistake of her life...c'set la vie.

[deavyin]

Her only reply was that she didn't find the water bottle i left at her place but, honestly, she didn't have time to look and will look tonight.

 

Kind of depressing that that is the best response I can get out of her now. God, she is so over me. She probably thinks i'm a loon.

[Gerda]

That's not a text message. It's a letter. You are possibly veering very close to being the very weird, creepy ex who makes her feel uncomfortable and who she talks about to her man as they sit around and pity you. I hope you are considering that she is showing him all your communication. Try to use that as a motivation to stop talking to her, because that's still what you need to do.

 

Your head is still not straight because you are in the throes of heartache, that's understandable. But at some point you will regain your sanity, and you will probably look back at how you have acted now and kick yourself. Where is your pride? Where is your self-respect? I have found that when relating to the opposite sex, even if you lack pride and self-respect you have to FAKE IT. Otherwise it's torturous looking back at al the ways you humiliated yourself for this person who you now see was not worth it at all.

 

Stop talking to her about why you broke up or why you reacted badly or why you have accepted it or what you are doing to make yourself feel better. She doesn't care at all and can see right through it all--you're not really over her until you stop sending her these letter-texts trying to prove how over her you are. If there was ever a chance she would want you back, you have almost certainly and completely ruined it and now are seen as the borderline creeper by her and her man who now gets to act all manly and macho as he pretends to protect his woman from you. I'm going to be honest, they possibly sit around laughing about you, she giggles and they probably crack jokes and he calls you "Psycho" and makes the little stabbing motion with the sound effects, and then she tells him to not be "so mean" and so on. When she gets your texts (and I'm guessing it comes in multiples because you send letters and not texts, so it beeps two to three times so they know it's you) he probably says, "Is it from him?" And she sighs and says "Yes." And then he says, "What does he have to say this time?" And then she falls heavily onto the sofa and tries to summarize the letter you just texted her and then they laugh and shake their heads and wonder why you have it so bad for her.

 

That is probably the reality of the situation. Honestly, it is how it would go down if I were this girl. I know it sounds mean, but they do it because you mean nothing to them. She is completely unable to feel true empathy with you. Heck, I have a hard time feeling empathy for the person that I was a couple months ago when I was at my worst--in my current state I can't even comprehend why I would be so UTTERLY DEVASTATED. Happy people are limited in how they can understand people experiencing sorrow.

 

Stop talking to her. Stop talking about her (except here if you want.) If somebody talks to you about her, just say, "I really don't want to hear/talk about this." That's it. No details. Your private life is supposed to be your private life and frankly you shouldn't be talking about who you are sleeping with with coworkers. Don't be a tool about it (like one of my exes did, where he literally pretended I didn't exist to the point of awkwardness), just STOP talking to her or about her at work and eventually people will stop bringing it up.

 

We cannot control how we feel, but we can control how we act. Feel as sad as you want, but this girl does not like you any more and you are only embarrassing yourself as you push her further away and amuse her and her boyfriend in the process. The next time you feel tempted to text her, just imagine how she reads the texts to her boyfriend and their eyes bug out and she says, "What is wrong with this guy?" And then he probably says something charming about how you can't help it because she really is such a catch, and then they laugh and fall into each other's arms. Seriously, just think of that and maybe it will help? I hope so. Because honestly, that is probably what is happening.

[deavyin]

ok, she responded and said:

she just sent a couple texts to me

she said "i don't want you to mistake my not texturing with my not caring. I can't spill myself out on text it is both too impersonal and way cumbersome on my thumbs. Ihave things I want to tell you that was not meant for this type of comm style.

 

then another text:

i don't think in person would work either, i too easily lose my thought in the moment. i will figure something out

 

I am not getting my hopes up and, honestly, i don't feel like being re-dumped again

so i wrote back:

i understand. Believe me, I don't like doing this through text but each time we meet in person I walk away feeling pretty crushed and i'm just trying to protect myself by keeping at a distance. i don't want to feel this way about you...it just happened. I think we have both pretty much said, over and over again, where we stnad in the situation

it sucks but i have learned that you can't make someone want to be with you. They just either do or don't. It's a lesson i'm learning right now. Sometimes you have to just walk away with your head held high and wish them the best

 

hopefully she'll leave it at that. i don't want to hear anymore about how much she cares about me as a friend but doesn't have feelings for me like she does for him blah blah..

 

i'm ready to walk away with my head held high and let this go. Even though it will take time. I have to protect myself now

[twitchyfingers]

Dude, if you don't want to hear anymore about how she sees you as just a friend, you gotta stop prodding her with texts.

 

You can't use her as your therapist. That's the way your texts come accross -- like you are venting to her about your feelings, and seeking validation from her. She can't give it to you! It's not her role at this point.

[Nikki11]

I think you should stop all contact with her altogether, including facebook etc.

Give yourself some space and time, trust me, you will feel better and look back on all this and just laugh, and say to yourself "What was I thinking?"

I feel that in your case it may take longer than 3 months, start NC now, and

never look back, do it for you....if she contacts you, that's fine, respond if it would make you feel better, but do nothing on your end. Just keep going. In about a year, you will be refreshed. Take it one day at a time.

[deavyin]

you are right that I need to. It's just really hard to do when you have feelings like this for someone.

 

I think she might have changed her settings so that only friends can see her posts. I am not a friend of hers yet I can see her page. My coworker is friends with her and told me that she posted stuff that I didn't see. Nothing new has been posted in the past 6 days and that is very unlike her since she usually posts at least a couple things every 1-2 days.

 

It's probably for the best if it's true then. At least that way if I do look at her page I won't see anything new about her life which is what I need.

 

I'm still going to do my best to keep away from her page regardless. I can still see all of her pics and stuff and she has a bunch of them up there.

 

As for not talking to her...I realize that by talking to her I only end up hurting myself. I have a strong feeling she got my message from my last text and won't bother coming up with some alternative method to tell me what she wants to say. Obviously, if she was confused about her feelings or changing her mind about me she would just up and tell me in person. Since she doesn't want to do it via text since it's too impersonal but not in person because her thoughts get lost in the moment then it's probably not something I need to hear anyway.

 

Just more of the same stuff she has been telling me for the past month and a half (minus the 11 days NC).

 

I know that a year from now I'll feel better. It was my first attempt at NC with her and it lasted 11 days. I hope the next one lasts at least a month if not forever because that is the only way i'll end up healing.

 

As for her showing the texts to her b/f and them laughing at me about it. No, i don't think that is the case. This girl isn't the type (i know what you all are going to say). Seriously though, I really do not think she would be bringing them up to him. Either she tells him we still talk and are dealing with stuff or she probably just doesn't at all. Keep in mind, this is the first bout of texting we have had in 11 days and it has all taken place during work hours. The last time we went back and forth she wasn't with him or we ended up talking in person and it was before they got too serious. So I don't think this is getting to him.

 

Just sucks. I don't think i'm going to hear from her after the last text so it's back to day 1 of NC. I have no intentions of contacting her again. If/when she does get this message to me (probably via email or letter if at all) i'll obviously read it but probably won't respond because I already know what it's going to say and what is the point of responding to that?

 

Hell, you all know exactly what it's going to say.

I miss your friendship. I'm glad that you are moving on. It's good that you are working on yourself. I know you'll find that perfect person for you. I wish we could be friends but I understand why it's not possible. I too will think fondly on the time we shared together but I have moved on now and I think you should to.

 

Yup, heard it all before. From her and one other girl who broke my heart into a million pieces and guess what: she never came back to me. This girl is no different.

[Eocsor]

That's not a text message. It's a letter. You are possibly veering very close to being the very weird, creepy ex who makes her feel uncomfortable and who she talks about to her man as they sit around and pity you. I hope you are considering that she is showing him all your communication. Try to use that as a motivation to stop talking to her, because that's still what you need to do.

 

I agree with this. Honestly guy, you're starting to veer into stalker territory. This is very borderline behaviour. It's starting to seem like harassment. I know you can't stop thinking about her but at least stop communicating with her. You work with her for goodness sake and she can bring sexual harassment charges against you if you don't ease up. Is she worth your job?

[deavyin]

Of course it's not worth my job and it's never going to come to that. I don't plan on talking to her anymore after this and she has not once asked me to stop speaking to her. In fact, I am the only one who has told her that we shouldn't contact one another and that she should never respond to me and she hasn't been able to do that once. Not at a single point did she say "look, you need to move on and stop contacting me".

 

In fact, she is the one who apparently has things she wants to say to me. She obviously cares about me but for whatever reason it isn't enough for her to want to be in a relationship with me. I know how i am probably coming off to her and I know that I need to stop it before I do any more damage to her opinion of me (which probably isn't that great right now).

 

Still, my texts weren't begging her to come back or telling her just how hard it is for me right now. I opened up a line of communication and she was happy about that. Then I realized it was a mistake because it would hurt me. I wished her the best in life and told her that it's probably best we don't talk anymore. I don't see how that could be seen as sexual harrasment at all since she never asked me to not speak to hehr. In fact, she wants me to speak to her and she wants me to be a part of her life...just not in the way I want her to be.

 

She is still adamant about buying me a replacement for this jersey she accidentally ruined while washing. So no, i'm not worried about my job at all. If she says "look, you need to stop contacting me" then yeah, of course, i'm going to stop contacting her or worry about getting in trouble.

 

She has even admitted that we have a strong bond to one another. That is what makes this so confusing. But i know where she stands and i'm going to leave it at that. I haven't stalked her at all (save for facebook but she doesn't know that) and i haven't approached her once at work. If anything, i have gone out of my way to avoid running into her at work. The most we have done is text back and forth and meet up for a couple face to face chats (the face to face chats were mostly initiated by her too).

 

I know that I don't come off well by not just letting go and moving on with life but I don't come off as a stalker. Maybe a little bit too clingy sure but I know some people who stalked in the past and that's extreme...even for me.

[Gerda]

I don't plan on talking to her anymore after this and she has not once asked me to stop speaking to her. In fact, I am the only one who has told her that we shouldn't contact one another and that she should never respond to me and she hasn't been able to do that once.

Wait, wait, wait...after reopening the lines of communication on more than one occasion, you are saying that SHE is the one who has been unable to not communicate--because you were only talking to her to tell her to stop talking to you? She is walking the walk, you are only talking the talk. I can't believe you would use her politely replying to your texts as proof that she can't do NC.

 

You really sound like a glutton for punishment. It's flabbergasting.

[deavyin]

That is completely not at all what I meant when I said that.

 

it's one thing for her to say "look we shouldn't contact one another again, please leave me alone" and then have me contact her and it's another if I were the one to ask HER not to respond to me (regardless of what I send) and her replying to me.

 

It doesn't mean that she CAN'T do NC. It just means that she WILL respond to me if I contact her. I asked her to not speak to me again no matter what I send to her and that I will probably break NC and I asked that she please not reply since it will only be a ploy to get her back. She said she will try but it will be hard to do. I opened the line of communication and she said "miss talking to you". She didn't even make an attempt to ignore me. I'm not saying that she couldn't have gone forever not speaking to me again. I'm just saying that i'm not going AGAINST her wishes to not speak to me again.

 

You are veering close to trolling my post Gerda. I'm sorry we don't all do things the way you do. How many stories have you heard of people begging and pleading and breaking NC again and again with dumb reasons to get info on their ex's. This stuff happens. It's hard to remain NC with someone you care for and i'm doing my best. I never veered anywhere near stalker because she actually WANTS me to remain in contact with her. She has no on any single occasion asked me to stop speaking to her. In fact, she has asked on multiple occasions if there is any way we could remain friends and how hard it is on her to be estranged from me. Whether it's b.s. or not I don't know but it's obvious there is still a place in my life for her (one that I can't accept).

[deavyin]

twitchyfingers: you have to understand that my brain doesn't want to hear anything from her because it knows that it only sets me back. My heart wants to get responses from her because it makes my heart feel like i'm still on her mind and she hasn't gotten over me yet because she hasn't been able to move on and cut me out of her life completely.

 

It's a twisted cycle. My brain and my heart are at odds with one another and the longer she entertains my need to harm myself the harder it gets. This is one of the reasons that, while it's ironically painful for the dumpee, it's best if the dumper cuts off contact completely and ignores the dumpee forever. If I were to break NC after 2 months and get an instant reply it will only get my hopes up. If I were to break NC after 2 months and get no reply I would be set back but at least I'd know that it's not worth it to try again because this person obviously doesn't want to speak to me. It's hard to let go of hope when the person actively wants you in their lives.

 

it's something a lot of people on this forum are dealing with right now.

[deavyin]

if this girl never wants to hear from me again then that is all she has to say...that's what i'm getting at. Plenty of dumpers say "look, please stop contacting me, it's over. I've moved on and you need to as well".

 

I have yet to get that once. If she says that I will respect it.

 

also, look at the forum posts and see how many of them say "broke NC after X amount of days and feeling bad".

 

"stupid reason to break NC now i'm feeling terrible"

 

and stuff like that. This was my first attempt at NC with her. Who here honestly thought i'd be able to keep it up forever? You learn from your mistakes. I realize no wthat breaking NC was a mistake and I will do even better to not break it again in the future.

 

Also, this forum thread is a place for me to rant. I have a lot to say (as everyone can see) and i need an outlet for it. I don't want to bother my friends or family members so I put it all out here. I am planning on going to see a therapist so that I can deal with my abandonment and codependency issues and, until then, I need a place where I can dump my thoughts.

[Eocsor]

Dude, if all you want is a place to vent steam thats cool. Just make it clear that you don't want responses so people won't try and help.

[deavyin]

I do want responses, I definitely do. I have had run ins with gerda before that is all. We definitely do not see eye on eye on matters of relationships and I didn't take kindly to comments about me being a stalker or putting my job on the line because that is in no way the case.

 

If she doesn't want me to talk to her then I have no choice but to accept that. As of right now, that isn't the case.

 

Doesn't mean that I should continue on the path i'm going because it only makes me seem needy and pushes her further away. But man, trust me, it's very difficult to keep NC with someone you see/hear daily. I can hear her laughing and joking around as we speak. I went 11 days and it got progressively more difficult (especially over the long weekend). I convinced myself it was ok to open up the communication channel because I was secretly craving any communication with her (how could I not? I obviously still have strong feelings for her). I've learned my mistakes. I just don't want to be mis-characterized as some crazy loon psycho stalker when all I sent her was a sweet text explaining why it was a mistake to contact her and that we probably shouldn't remain in contact.

 

I don't see how that's crazy at all. Should I have? Probably not. I should have never contacted her in the first place. We all learn lessons from our mistakes. We ALL break NC at first until we get burned in the fire and realize not to do it again.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Deavyin,

 

You are having a bad day, at the end of a very bad month. That's all it is.

 

You are doing well at the Moving On part: exercising, getting out, overall functioning. Crank it up a notch higher every day: there are thousands of things that you can do to turn this mini-nightmare into your very own dream. I cannot stress enough the therapeutic effects of getting out if your comfort zone and picking up a new skill, learning a new language, catching up on those books you know you should read but have been putting off. Do things that have nothing to do with you - yes, volunteer, drop by other people's threads here on ENA and offer some stranger your support and advice. I know you are not religious -neither am I, but I love to learn about other belief systems and what they have to say about the big things and the little things we a deal with. Getting hot after a break up instead of bitter is essential, but it's only a portion of your new whole.

 

Turn off the TV - it's garbage. Go on a box set holiday. Detox your mind. Drink at least five cups of green tea a day - that stuff is liquid gold in a cup. Learn to look at paintings - someone made them to transmit something and you're a worthy recipient. It's your life - you are on a roll now so keep transforming.

 

That's the Moving On part -- the easy part.

 

The Getting Over part is.... somewhat trickier. It requires absolute acceptance of the eay things are, of the way she is, of how it all turned out. It requires you to make peace with all that, withthe fact that you loved and lost, and it didn't kill you. It demands that you STOP MAKING EXCUSES. About what she said ir didn't, what she did or didn't, the agony she has allegedly put you through... because all that pain is all you, buddy. Odd as it sounds, you have created this hell for yourself and have locked yourself in it. All she did was date you for a few months and then decide to not date you anymore. That's only as horrible as you want it to be, and unfortunately you have decided that ut should be very horrible indeed.

 

The good news is that you can pretty easily dismantle the whole thing by yourself. The bad news is that you don't want to.

 

Yet.

 

But soon you will. Therapy will help, but you can help yourself much more. Vent here, listen to the advice you are getting (it's all very well intentioned), pick up a copy if Feeling Good by David Burns (best 10 bucks you'll EVER spend), and get to work.

 

Big hug mate. Sorry for the awful spelling, but I'm on the phone and I have fat fingers.

[Nikki11]

Great advice, from Ispeak, and also I think that the best thing that Deavyin can do is just go

NC, all the way, working in the same place may be difficult, but that's something that cannot be helped.

Sometimes, it's hard for an "ex" to say that they would like you to move on, they just do it by their "actions" and sometimes or in most cases, "actions do speak louder than words." She may not come right out and say it, but her actions tell you that it's over for now , and you should get on with your life and do what's best for you.

 

NC is really easy, what's hard is dealing with the fact that you are not getting the

response or contact you want or hope to get from your 'ex'. It takes time and each day does get better and make you stronger and wiser. One day at a time.

[deavyin]

what makes NC hard is that I know I could get a response from her. When my big ex left me I would email her and text her and she wouldn't respond for months. Literally for months at a time. She let me know on plenty of occasions with words AND actions that it was over and she didn't want to speak to me again. It was difficult to deal with but it made NC a necessity more than a choice because I had no other real option. She just was not there for me at all.

 

It's hard to know that at any point in time i could totally pretend to be ok with being her friend and she would jump at the oppertunity. Even after everything we have gone through via this break up. i don't know if that will change now given our recent communications or what she has to say to me (if anything) which she still hasn't done yet.

 

You are right though. Actions do speak a lot louder than words and she has ignored me in person for a while now and has not made any indication at all, via her actions, that she has any intentions of changing her mind. Also, she has been spending a lot of time with this new guy and they are now officially b/f g/f so it's obvious that she has moved on and is with someone else completely without regret, remorse or doubt.

 

Each day I struggle not contacting her. Right now i'm seriously just starting at my phone waiting to hear something from her because it's not over yet. Once I get a reply (which i know won't be what I want to hear) it will be the final final final nail in the coffin. After this, I don't see how even she will want to keep in contact because she knows now that any attempt by me to just be friends will be some kind of a ploy and she doesn't want that.

 

Just sucks, ran into her in the copier room not but an hour ago and gawd does she have some of the most gorgeous legs. Stupid sundress she was wearing too ripped me up inside. I hate that girls are so pretty (and she is by far the most gorgeous girl I have ever been with). She also has a winning personality for whoever she is with. I have never met someone more bright, funny, intellegent and loving than her. She just doesn't want to give that love to me and that's painful because I got a glimpse of how she is in a relationship and man did I want a whole lot more.

[Gerda]

I have to defend my honor. Anybody can look at all of my posts and see I've been remarkably fair and supportive. But I get the picture, you don't want to hear what I have to say. Fine. Pearls, swine, and all that.

[Eocsor]

You seem to have a history of this kind of behaviour and maybe thats where you should be focusing your attention. You need to find out why you are so needy and why you have such a hard time accepting rejection.

 

We've all been dumped, but to pursue something with such single minded ferocity in the face of all reason speaks to a chracter flaw that needs correcting. Have you ever looked at the reasons why you have such a hard time accepting the end of a relationship?

 

I'm no shrink but I think in order to have a healthy relationship next time you really need to address those issues.

[Nikki11]

This girl is definitely at a point in her life where she may not be ready

to settle down, or so it seems. If she really cared for you, she would not

be dating someone else, in other words, she is "unavailable".

 

You shouldn't settle either, the right person will come along one day.

Have faith and patience, someone better for you is out there.