NC journal and place for me to rant.

[deavyin]

I have made so many threads recently that I thought I'd just compile all my thoughts into one. It will serve as my daily NC journal and a place for me to put my thoughts out when they bottle up inside me.

 

It's day 6 since we have spoken a word to one another via any form of communication. I still see her at the office daily but we never even say hi and just quickly walk by one another.

 

Just a couple minutes ago I was in one of the small copier rooms (very small, enough to fit maybe 3 people side by side) and I was making a bunch of copies. She came in to grab something off of the printer and she was on her personal phone. I don't know who she was talking to since she didn't say a word and was only listening but you can imagine who I thought it was (the guy she left me for). I don't know it though so i'm trying not to dwell. I couldn't see who it was from the angle I was standing at and so, stupidly, i looked and sure enough it was her...i looked right at her (something i don't want to do). She got close enough that I could even smell her (that sucked...I miss that smell so much). She grabbed her paper and quickly walked right out (probably because she was on the phone with him and didn't want me to find out...usually she'll linger for a second and give me double takes...it's weird).

 

It's been tough. I still think about her all day long and there is a part of me that still wants her back. I don't know how much of me is hurt that I can't be with her and how much of me is hurting this bad because she bruised my ego. I've realized I have a big ego and her leaving me for someone else has been devestating. I think i'd be taking this a lot easier if she just broke with me because there was no spark and she wanted to go back to being friends (without someone else entering the picture). Seeing her and knowing that she is with someone else is very painful. It's this person I spent a wonderful 3 months with who looks at me like i'm some stranger. To know that she has someone else on her mind whenever I see her...that's tough. You wonder how their conversations go, how much she gets excited when she's going to meet up with him.

 

Gah..I can't let these thoughts get to me. What's done is done.

 

I'm sticking strong to my NC. I don't know if it's bothering her at all but who cares now, right? Less than 5 minutes ago I was standing elbow to elbow with a girl I had for 3 months who now belongs to another. It's hard to look at her and not think "man, you were once mine...what happened?"

 

I wish she didn't work with me... I so dread running into her because it can set my whole day back.

 

I have been more talkative with other coworkers (even in areas near her cubicle where she can hear me). It feels forced and a part of me is doing it to show her how alright I am with everything because I don't want to continue to come off as uber depressed and needy/clingy. I'm also doing it because I can't keep neglecting my coworkers because of my own issues. I want things to go back to normal but I know they won't any time soon.

 

I'm going to hit the gym tonight. Tomorrow we'll get off early since we always do the day before a long weekend. I know it's going to be a tough weekend since we have memorial day off and people tend to go out and do stuff for memorial day weekend. The one friend I have been hanging out the most through all of this is going to be out of town this weekend.

 

My coworker is celebrating his b-day this weekend so i'll probably go out with him and his friends to a local bar we go to often. After that he wants to have a house party at his place. I'd love to go since it would be better than just sitting at my place on a saturday night but I'm scared. He lives in the same apartment complex and my ex. Their buildings are very close to one another and, in order to get to his place, I have to drive by hers. We won't show up there until 11-12 at night and, if her car isn't there, then i'll know where she is and i'm trying to stay away from that kind of knowledge. I'm really not sure if I should go or not.

 

I'm starting to realize I'm a single guy again. My coworkers are, stupidly, already talking about hooking me up with ANOTHER coworker...i told them that was a very very stupid idea.

 

They want to hook me up with a server at the local bar we go to. She's attractive and i've talked to her before but i'm not at a place where i should date. Plus, since we broke up, i have been going to this bar everyday after my exercise routine for a beer (a single beer...it's ok). Everyone there knows me (they usually don't even charge me for the beer) and the manager is a life long friend of my ex. So it's not like they don't know EXACTLY what is going on. They knew when we were together and i'm more than 100 percent sure she has brought the new guy there since she loves the place.

 

NC does make things much easier. It's still not easy at all but I don't have this incredible urge to contact her. I leave my smart phone at home so I can concentrate at work without constantly staring at it waiting for a text that will never come. i go home for lunch each day because I still don't enjoy idle chit chat as much as I want to and I NEED to check my phone just to see if anyone has contacted me (of course I also want to see if she has).

 

The urge is passing though. When i get home after my workouts and lay down to watch tv until I pass out (the only thing that can keep my mind off of this is the show fringe) I throw my phone accross the room (i have a big room) where I can't see it and I leave it there for the night. My phone is my worst enemy right now.

 

I'm able to get more work done but I still find myself on ENA at various times throughout the day. Not nearly as much as before but it really helps to read other peoples similar stories of being left for someone else.

 

Day 7 here we come...I'm trying to take each day at a time but I really can't wait until I can post day 36 or 65 or whatever.

 

It's ironic but the day that I just stop posting on this stupid site or reading stories on here is the day that I am looking forward to most. The day where seeing her doesn't stir my emotions at all. The day where i'm happy being me and I have let this all go.

[irishgerry]

Hey man read your post. Kind of know what you are going through. I work with my ex of 6 months, on day 4 now currently. We just wanted different things, i dont think she is seeing someone else but even though it sucks now at least you got that part of the break up over with. I remember the last time i broke up with someoen and 5 months later I saw them with another guy and it felt like it brought me back to day 1! Just keep busy, go to the gym, hang out with your mates more and anytime she sees you just force yourself to be in great form, she'll notice it. This guy is just a rebound for her to help her with it. best of luck

[deavyin]

It's just my luck too with her personal phone. When we were together she never took calls on her personal phone. Sure she would text all day long to me and other friends (and him too...of course). When we were together I never ONCE saw her on her personal phone. Now that she is with him half the time I run into her at work she is on her personal phone talking to someone laughing it up. It's more than obvious who it is and it's like a knife in my heart each time i see it.

 

This isn't the first time this has happened either. I was 3 years into my last big relationship when I got the job with my best friend (who my big ex left me for). My ex and I didn't speak that much on the phone at all. We weren't in the honeymoon stage so there was no point. We'd email through out the day and send each other texts but we were both busy at our respective jobs so it wasn't ALL THE TIME. When she left me for my best friend, he as on the phone with her for hours at a time. It got to the point where other coworkers would come up and ask me if I knew where he was because he wasn't at his desk each time they walked by and they couldn't find him. It was painful because I knew exactly where he was and what he was doing. There was a 2 sets of double doors near the entrance to our building and he would go there to talk to my ex on the phone so that I couldn't hear him. He's sometimes go for an hour or two at a time to talk to her. I found out about it one day when I was walking outside and saw him there and heard him speaking to her. Oh man did his face turn white. After that, each time he was gone from his desk for a long while I could just walk by that area and see him standing there on his personal phone. Aside from that, my ex would call him on his work phone and they'd talk for hours too. Also, they would email back and forth CONSTANTLY to one another and he NEVER locked his computer. I did my best not to read the emails when he was away from his desK (never did) but there were a few times I glanced to see who they were from and YEP they were from her. Man, these emails were pages long.

 

I never see other people in the office who are in relationships walking around with their personal phones out unless it's business related (she never gets business related calls on her personal phone). It just never happens. It's one thing to see her but to actually watch her laughing it up on the phone with the guy she left me for.

 

painful.

 

It's something i'm going to have to get used to. I'll just tell myself "you don't know who she is talking to...could be anyone". I wish I was that naive.

[deavyin]

Thanks irishgerry I appreciate the response.

 

I have been going to the gym everyday (except on sundays...day of rest). I have lost 25 lbs since the break up (a month ago). I lift weights on monday/wednesday/friday and i cycle tuesday/thursday for 20 miles and 30-40 miles on saturday. I'm trying to get myself into really good shape.

 

Unfortunately, this guy isn't a rebound. We were together for only 3 months and, even though we did EVERYTHING together, we were never officially going out. When I say we did everything together it was like we were a couple and even she admitted it (she said we rushed really quick into relationship territory and it scared her; she said this before she admitted to me the real reason was that she found someone she had a spark for). We never told coworkers about us (they figured it out and we each had one coworker/friend who knew...hers being her roommate). She never even told her friends we were together. I was just a 'friend' according to her (friends who slept in eachothers beds most days of the week and met each others friends, family and went on lots of trips together....sure). Less than a month with this new guy and they are already officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

I really wish he was a rebound but she was talking to him a week before we broke up. I noticed that he was calling her all the time when we were together (and she'd answer) they were texting a lot. She was basically waiting for him to show interest in her and, sure enough, he asked her out the day before she dumped me. I was furious that he'd do that but she told me "he asked me if the two of us were dating and I said no...so he didn't do anything wrong. I've since told him about us though since he has a right to know".

 

So no, it's definitely not a rebound. Things were great between us but we were only together for 3 months and she never committed to me fully and that's why i also do not think this was a G.I.G.S scenario. It could be..I don't know. She never said we were incompatible or that we had any issues at all. Her simple excuse for why she chose him over me? "when I met him it awoken something in me that made me realize that the feelings I should have for you but don't are the exact feelings I have for him. There is a spark with him and I have to see where it goes even though he's not usually my type".

 

That's all I got.

[Gerda]

You sound much healthier today. Good for you.

You wonder how their conversations go, how much she gets excited when she's going to meet up with him.

This is masochistic. You have no idea how their conversations go or how excited she gets when she's going to meet up with him. You are making assumptions, and yes, they could be true, but they could also be false. Your image is almost certainly not an accurate representation of their relationship--you are idealizing their relationship. I do the same thing, I think it's because we are trying to force ourselves to accept reality by telling ourselves the most hurtful things we can think of, to try to get the pain over with or something. But you could be (and probably are) tormenting yourself over nothing more than the figments of your imagination. I don't know many people who have relationships I envy. They're almost all filled with challenges, arguments, jealousy, eye rolling and doubts. Without reason you are painting an unrealistic portrait of them in your head, maybe so the truth, which is far less horrible, will seem more palatable by comparison? Don't do this to yourself. Try to divine the truth from the situation (this is hard, does not come naturally at all, you have to really ponder and sometimes it hurts until you push through to the truth), don't listen so much to the gloomiest voices in your head because they lie.

[deavyin]

You are absolutely right...I know they do lie. It's hard to push them out though. I've gotten better about it. Most of those horrible sex thoughts have gone (they never really showed up with much intensity). I think my subconscious mind knows NOT to go there and that has been good.

 

I know that relationships have issues. Especially with the two of them. Their personalities will most definitely clash in a way ours wouldn't have. This is because they are both more in the A type personality category and those relationships, while they can work, have issues more often than 2 B personalities of an A B (if you catch my drift). I'm a very laid back person and I HATE arguments. I've always been the one to mitigate between people. Of course, it's only been a month since they got together and he lives 45 minutes away. Chances are, they see each other after soccer games during the week (they are on 2 teams together) and pretty much the entire weekend. It's too early for any issues to really start arising. Then again, I don't know. I really don't know how things are going with them and that's great.

 

In a few months from now, when they have settled into more of a routine, i'm sure they'll be just like every other couple out there (whom i too never envy). Hopefully, by that time, i'll be much much better.

 

Yes, I am doing a lot better now than I was the past month. A lot of that has to do with NC. It's ironic...reallllly ironic with NC. It's such a hard thing to do and it's painful and you constantly wonder if they will call you and you want to hear from them so bad to know that they still care about you. Yet, at the same time, it actually makes you feel better. It's so weird. Something so painful is actually healing. I read on here somewhere a metaphor using isopropyl alcohol as a reference to NC. You have a huge cut and the longer you go without applying alcohol (NC) the longer it will take to heal and more infected it will be come. It's true..it stings at first but in the long run it's better for you.

 

It's been 6 days since she has said anything painful to me at all. That is a good thing. My mind is going to go places I don't want it to go but I think that's natural. When my big ex left me, I seriously thought her new relationship must have been the best thing EVER. I was so wrong. They split up, got back together, he cheated and in the end she told me it was like "babysitting him and his kids for 1.5 years". I was so very wrong about it all. It's funny, 6 months ago she contacted me for closure out of the blue (she left me and was cruel about it). I found out a couple weeks ago that she has dated a bunch of guys since me and has dumped each one of them. It's weird to go through multiple guys in so many years (4 years now) and then contact your first love asking for closure. The painful thoughts will go away with time when i've thought of everything negative I can. I've been giving myself a lot of positive affirmations and I actually believe a good 20 percent of them now (still can't believe i'll ever love another or even find another girl who is better...it's too early for that). I do know that I will get over this though and that is a good thing. A month ago it seemed impossible.

[deavyin]

For instance...I know this bothers her.

 

I don't expect her to contact me again, I know she doesn't miss me like 'that' and has no intentions of ever being with me again. I know she found someone else and is happier with him than she was with me (or else she wouldn't have left me). Still, the fact that we are so estranged and will never be friends again; I definitely know this bothers her.

 

She'll never let me know it does (or she might, but it won't be for months probably) but i can see it in her when we pass by one another. She does not like how things ended between us. It's all her doing though so it's something she is going to have to live with. I also think it's something she'll get over in a relatively short time.

 

The last thing I texte'd to her (on friday when she sent her 'coming clean' email about the real reason we were breaking up) was pretty mean. It wasn't outright name calling but I was hurt and lashed out. I don't regret it though. I didn't do or say anything absolutely crazy and it's probably better to burn the bridge now. Sometimes you have to do something like that to cement the fact that 'it's over'. It's better than my last text being "just know that I will love you forever and i hope one day you'll come back to me my sweet". That would have been a pathetic way to end things.

[deavyin]

Day 7 NC.

 

Man, still absolutely hate the mornings. I lifted weights last night and then grabbed a beer at our local bar (just one beer). Went home and crashed out watching fringe. She was definitely on my mind but it wasn't debilitating. I woke up this morning and, just like every other morning, it was 6 am and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I missed her and how much I hated that she was with 'him'. It's friday now and that means the weekend is coming up. God I hate the weekends. It's also memorial day weekend so it's going to be 4 days long since we get out early today from work.

 

I am doing my best to have plans for this weekend but none of them excite me as much as spending time with her would. I know she is probably going to spend every waking (and sleeping) second with him and that kills me. Tonight I'm driving to my parents place (40 minutes away) because my Aunt and Cousin are in town visiting. I really don't want to go because I haven't seen them in a while and they are going to be asking me so many questions and I'm not in the mood. Still, I promised I would. Tomorrow is my coworkers b-day and we are going out for it. After we go out he wants to have a party back at his place but he lives in the same apartment complex as her. Like I had said before in a previous post. If we show up at his place at 11 at night, I am going to scour the parking lot looking for her car and, if it's not there, i'm going to know exactly where she is....I don't need that. I'm still not sure if I want to go to that. On sunday I have a friend of mine from CA, who know lives in upstate new york, visiting me here in DC and I plan on going out on the town with him and his coworker.

 

As for working out. Tonight i'm going to do a 20 mile bike ride before I head to my parents place. Tomorrow i'm doing a 10 mile bike ride in the morning and lifting weights in the afternoon before i head out for my friends b-day. Sunday is my day of rest but I might end up doing a bike ride anyway...I know I shouldn't over exercise but I have 20 lbs to lose and i need the endorphins. Monday we have off and that's another 10 mile bike ride/weight lifting day.

 

I don't have to be into work until 9 and here I am showing up at 7:45 because it's better than sitting in my room. I still haven't slept in my own bed for over a month now since the BU. I tried, but for some reason when I woke up I was on the left side of the bed (that was my side of the bed) and I keep looking over and almost seeing her laying next to me smiling. I just can't do it. Last night I was laying on my couch and there was a long red hair sticking out of it (one of hers)...it suuuuucked. The couch is in my room (i have a big ass room) and we only did one thing on the couch several times (you can imagine) so that just flooded me with memories.

 

I hate this. I know that NC is the best and it's making it easier but man; I hate this.

[deavyin]

It's crazy how these emotions cycle. Yesterday I was feeling a little better and even chatting it up with coworkers and laughing. I went out weight training and I was feeling pretty good about myself. I still had her on my mind but it was easier. Today has been really depressing. I have this sinking feeling in my gut because I know that it's over and she will NEVER EVER EVER come back to me. I also know that she will be with this new guy for months if not years to come. It's tough to know that I will see her daily in the office but probably won't ever speak to her again.

 

It's a real sinking feeling. Tomorrow, it will have been officially over a week since we have spoken to one another at all. Pretty soon it will be 2 weeks and then a month and then 2 months. I hope by then I feel better about this but it's just really hard to grasp right now. I feel like I want to cry but I haven't been able to once since this entire break up. Every girl I see, no matter how pretty, isn't her. I can't listen to love songs on the radio or watch any tv show/movie where there is a love scene without nearly breaking down.

 

When is this pain going to go away? I want to be myself again. I want to stop obsessing over this girl.

 

Thankfully I haven't seen her or heard her once today. I torture myself whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the copier room or for a smoke. I know I shouldn't run into her but a part of me wishes I could. Just so I could see her

[deavyin]

I know people keep telling me "you're obsessing over this girl. You were only together for 3 months and you hardly even know her".

 

I haven't felt this way about a girl in a looooong time. Before we got together we were hanging out together everyday for a couple months. I really did get to know her since we spent so much time together for the past 5 months. It was enough time to know that I saw a looooon future with her.

 

I'm going to get over it but it's going to take time. I've been a month out and it's only been 7 days NC. I know I keep telling myself "i'm only x amount out and we haven't spoken in only X amount of days". I can't help the way I feel. NC is the right decision, i know that. It's just very hard right now for me and I need to get stuff of my chest. This is the girl i want to be with . THIS GIRL. I can't ever see myself falling for another girl like this (and i've tried). I don't know what it is about her but I have never felt so comfortable with another person. Each day she wanted to spend with me I would jump for joy at the oppertunity. To see her walk up to my place with such a big smile on her face...i knew that she was looking at me. I was the person she wanted to see and spend her time with. When I held her in my arms I knew that she wanted it to be me. It felt right to me in a way that never felt right before.

 

I'm going to let go and move on. It's just hard when you feel like you lost 'the one'. Someone you know you could spend years with and never lose that spark that drew you to them in the first place. I'm a hopeless romantic...I know. I have never wanted something more in my life than I want this girl right now.

[deavyin]

Day 9 of NC. Im sitting at my parents house waiting for a call from my friend who is visiting from new york. I am going to meet him and his coworker in dc. Went out with my coworker and his friends for his bday party. Im just trying to find a way to lose this sense of dread and kill these horrible thoughts running through my head. Weekends are tough especially long weekends like this during the summer where everywhere you go you see happy couoles out enjoying each others company amd i know that somewhere out there she is with him right mow enjoying the weekend. Its tough but im maintaining NC. I need to work out again tomorrow. I wish i could just curl up in a ball and sleep for the next 3 minths while my body processes this. Im not doing well at all.

[Flywest29]

I hear ya brother. I just want to sleep a long time, wake up and not remember......

[deavyin]

Day 10 nc. Went out to dc with a friend i hadnt seen in years who is in town visiting. Went to a german bar that sells beer in liters. It was fun but she was definitely still on my mind. We ended up in adams morgan (a place i hate) and that is where i started to lose it. I just really didnt want to be there. I got dropped off at the metro at 2 in the morning to find out it was closed so i had to take a 30 minute cab ride back home. Luckily the cabbie was nice and cut me a deal. Im out with my brother, sister and her boyfriend for my brothers bday. We are going to bbq with the family. She is still on my mind all day and i dread having to see her at work tomorrow but the NC HAS BECOM more bareable. I still wonder if shell ever contact me again but i know its for the best. After the bbq im going to hit the gym and then watch some tv and pass out. My coworker who lives right next to her is having car issues and needs me to pick him up tomorrow. It sucks because ill have to drive by her place but he said if i couldnt do it hed have to ask her and i need him on my side (he has already had some choice words cor her).

 

Its tough but i had a good talk with my brother, who is more level headed than me (med student) and he had some good words of advice

[Flywest29]

Glad to hear you are feeling a little better about NC. I have read almost all of your posts about this girl and I feel for you man. It sucks big time, but you seem to be doing all the right things, improving yourself, working out etc. Thats great I wish I could do that, all I have been doing is moping and drinking. I read your posts and see a lot of myself in you. It's great you can get some good advice from your brother, it's always nice to get someones point of view from the outside. Keep doing what you are doing!

[deavyin]

Day 11 NC started off with a crappy shock. My coworker who lives in the same apartment complex as her asked me for a ride to work today because his car broke down and he didn't want to ask "her" for a ride because he never wants to speak to her again after what she did.

 

I reluctantly said yes and picked him up at 8:30 today. She usually never shows up until 9:15 (she still isn't into work yet) and so I expected to see her car in her assigned spot. Nope, it wasn't there. It was a big shock and why I was hesitant to pick him up. If she doesn't show up today that means she is probably visiting family and taking the day off. If she does show up with her car then it means she stayed at his place an hour away last night and drove in some of the worst traffic this morning to get here. If she does show up and her car isn't here then it's probably in the shop to get the electronics fixed from when she hit a deer.

 

I know I shouldn't think about these things because they make me sick to my stomach. It's exactly why i didn't want to pick him up but I can't leave him stranded or force him into a situation he doesn't want to be in (getting a ride from them). He doesn't know anyone else in the area who can give him a ride so it kind of fell back on me.

 

* * * * ty * * * * ty * * * * ty. Oh well, day 11 NC continues.

[deavyin]

Sure enough, I was in the break room getting coffee and I saw her pull in with her car straight from his place an hour away getting out of the car on the phone with HIM smiling and laughing it up.

 

This is the kind of info I don't need. It's so hard being so easily replaced by someone you care so much about. Seeing her daily happy as * * * * in her new life without you.

[deavyin]

I'm not going to contact her. That's a good thing. NC definitely continues because there is no point. Today only made me realize further that she has completely moved on and probably doesn't even think about me. She is obviously smitten with this new guy and they are in the honeymoon period. There is 0 chance she'll ever come back to me so I need to focus on myself.

 

Working with her is very very hard. If only I could get out of here but I know that I am tied to this job right now. It's painful.

 

My coworker is going to need a ride again tomorrow and I don't want to see the same thing. I know that she has a soccer game tonight (i still get evites for them since i was on the team; no stalking involved) and it's closer to where he lives. Chances are she'll end up at his place and i'll have to not see her car at her place again tomorrow.

 

I keep telling myself "of course this is happening. It's exactly how it happened when she was with you. They are in a relationship so what do you expect?!? Of course she's going to be staying at his place and then coming in from work because she did it all the time with you. It was a long weekend and she probably stayed with him the whole time. You knew this and that is why you didn't drive by her place. Once your coworker gets his rental car you can go back to avoiding her place like the plague".

 

I can't wait until it's day 14 and then day 30 and then day 90 of NC. I wonder how I'll feel and look then.

 

I'm hovering down around 200 right now. One day I checked and I was 199 the other I was 202 but it's not a bad thing. I am still gaining muscle and burning fat so it makes sense that my weight will plateu for a little bit until I build up enough muscle to burn extra fat and lose weight. My stomach is still getting smaller and it can't be a matter of more than a couple months before I can get it down to nothing. My coworker said to expect a 6 pack in the next 4-5 months and that is a goal I can live with.

 

I got all ready to go to the gym last night and was pumped because i NEEDED it (which is good since usually it's a chore) but the gym was closed and that was a big set back for me. I really wanted those endorphins and each day I work out I can say "good, another day down...haven't skipped and things are going good".

 

When I couldn't go to the gym i started to think about her and got sad. It's weird how something as trivial as that can shift my focus to her. We never even went to the gym together.

 

This girl has ruined so many things for me and I want them back: subway, old crow medicine show (especially the song wagon wheel), work, my friends apartment complex, honda crv's (which my sister has to own one) and so much more. It sucks how our minds can tie memories painful and good to so many things in our life. I still can't watch a DC united game without remembering my times going with her. I can't even wear my jersey (which I bought while with her) without it bringing me pain. I got back my wayne rooney jersey I gave her a week before she dumped me and it's sitting in my desk drawer at work because I can't even look at it and it was a prized gift from my older brother.

 

Ach...this is too painful. I know I'll get over this but I hate this sinking feeling I have at all times when i'm at work.

[Flywest29]

Dude you are torturing yourself so much.....It doesn't have to be like that. Just think if you were able to land a girl like this in the first place there must be something about you that women find attractive. And now you are working out and looking good, you are going to attract many women. But if you want to keep a woman you have to change your mindset, I know its easier said than done. And I am going through the same thing, trying to be positive, work on myself, I don't have a huge problem attracting women initially but I can't keep them around cause of my attitude.

 

I am like you in the way where everything I see, hear, something that reminds me of them I get all sad and depressed. It is normal I think at first but you have to remember that those things made you happy before she came along and they can and will make you happy again.

 

I know its painful to be working with her but I think you need to try as hard as you can to just shut her out of your mind and go about your day like she isn't even there. I know easier said then done, but for your own sanity you have to pretend she isn't there.

 

Keep working out, keep working on yourself, and I promise by day 90 NC you won't look back!

[deavyin]

I know I need to cut her out and stop thinking about her but it's hard. Even if I don't see her I can hear her laugh and it's just a painful reminder of how happy she is in life right now and how over me she is.

 

I'm not deluded, I know that it's over and I need to move on. I'm working on that right now. I'm doing everything in my power to push these thoughts out but I know that I have an obsessive mind and that is one of the things i'm going to bring up when i go to see the therapist on the 13th. Whenever something bothers me, whether it be relationship related or not, i tend to obsess about it and it really brings down my mood.

 

I'm not a usually depressed guy, don't get me wrong. When i'm happy i'm very content. Granted, I have been upset with my weight for years now and always wanting to do something about it but it wasn't until this girl left me for a guy in fantastic shape that I realized I needed to make a change.

 

I'm not doing it for her because I know she won't come back. In fact, I am not doing anything for her. When she left me I looked into the mirror and was disgusted by what I saw. I'm tired of looking at windows in strip malls and sucking in my gut because I am disgusted by what I see.

 

I'm already looking a lot better and it's making me feel a bit more confident. I'm just not in a good place right now due to the break up and I don't deal with these kinds of things well.

 

I hear what everyone is saying and it only depresses me further. It's like everyone is screaming "man, chill out, if I were in your shoes this would be NP...there is something wrong with you!!!" and that just makes me feel like i'm some kind of a freak.

 

I can't tell you guys how much I fell for this girl and that was stupid. I pinned too many hopes and dreams on her and when it didn't work out I was crushed. I truly understand the dual nature of that word. When you have a crush on someone and it doesn't work out then yeah, you are crushed.

 

I'm at a point where I don't want to do this to myself again and I don't want to do this to another girl. I want to get back to a place where i'm content with being single and just stay there because, as you all can see, I don't deal with this crap very well and I don't ever want to feel like this again.

 

It's so incredibly difficult to see someone daily that you want to be with soooo badly and know that they don't have those feelings for you and they are happier without you in their life. I'm tired of being second best to other guys, so why bother?

 

I'm also sick of being told i'm crazy. I don't know what to do about it...I can't help the way I feel and I can't help that this is killing me inside. I want this girl so bad and I can't have her. It's the most frustratingly painful thing I have gone through.

 

I hope to god that 90 days from now I won't look back. I really do because right now I can't imagine myself ever falling for another girl and feeling the way I do about this one. She drives me crazy I have such a strong spark for her. It felt right and I don't know how to give that up.

 

So I'm sorry ENA, i'm sorry that I rant and rave and act like a loon. I'm an idiot in love with someone who cares nothing for me. I need to learn how to love myself but it's hard when it seems like no one else is capable of doing it.

[Flywest29]

Dude you're not a loon, idiot, you are heartbroken......it happens.......

[deavyin]

I am heartbroken. In a way that I have not been in a looooong time. Has anyone ever met that one person that was unlike anyone you ever met before? Things just seemed so natural and right? I've met plenty of girls and they come and go from my life all time time. Never before have I felt this way about a girl. Not even with my big ex who I got together with when I was 20.

 

With her, it was a struggle. I didn't fall in love with her until a year or so later and it was for all the wrong reasons. I was young and dumb and didn't know what I wanted. It felt good to be in a relationship even if it was a destructive one. The first 2 years we were together we fought constantly and broke up and got back together at least a couple dozen times. We were first loves and didn't know any better.

 

I've had experience since then and I know what type of girl I want. Sure, i don't want to be with a girl who would leave me for someone else or who doesn't have feelings for me. Aside from that, this girl was exactly what I wanted.

 

Sweet, funny, caring, beautiful, adventurous (inside and outside of the bedroom), quick with a smile and a laugh and someone who is interested in the same things as me.

 

We are both agnostic, love soccer with a passion (including the same teams) have the exact same taste in music (music is very important to both of us), same taste in shows, movies and hobbies. We never fought once and had great long conversations in each other's arms. She told me all about her childhood her family and her life growing up and I did the same to her. She let me in so much so quickly that I couldn't help but fall for her. It felt like the stars were aligning and I was finally getting what I deserved in life.

 

Instead, it became just another painful lesson I have to learn. Everyone else get's to go NC completely and cut their ex's out of their lives. I have to twice be left for another guy and have to work at the same company as one of the two people who hurt me (either the girl or the guy she left me for).

 

I wish I believed in god so I could take some greater lesson out of this. I hate that I feel possessive over someone who never belonged to me. I can't shake this feeling that we were "supposed to be together". I know it's stupid and we are both individual people but when she came into my life it felt like she was never supposed to leave it. To have her go in such a way..I never thought she was capable of doing this to me. She seemed like she was into me so much and was really starting to develop feelings for me. I don't understand how someone go act that way and then just shut those feelings off and switch them to someone else.

 

I've been interested in girls before and uninterested in girls who liked me. I could understand if our relationship went bad and we were fighting and just had nothing in common with one another. When that happens it makes sense that relationships end. When things are going so right and moving along at such a quick yet exciting pace and then *BAM* it's over in the blink of an eye. I just don't know how to grapple with that.

 

I don't know how to say that we weren't meant to be together. I know the guy she is with and I can't see her settling down with him. He's cocky and immature and aside from sports they don't have anything in common. Even my friends who are on the team or who have met him say "no way she'll settle down with him. I think he's cocky and annoying". For some reason, what they do not see in him she does.

 

crap, here I go again obsessing. I can accept that it's over for 'now' but whenever I see her I can still picture us a year down the road together. I can still picture what our kids would look like and I know that is a crazy thing to think of.

 

Hell, just the fact that our last names are 1 letter apart (she has one letter more in her last name than I do but the rest is exactly the same). it just spoke volumes to me.

 

When I first saw her I thought "wow, that is the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on". When we began hanging out as friends and then all the time together I thought "this feels right, i am so blessed to have found this girl and the fact that she seems into me...i'm the luckiest man in the world". When we got together, it was the closest thing I have had to a religious moment in my life. I was raised catholic and was always bored at church. I never felt what everyone else was feeling. I felt it with her. That's what I can't get over.

 

I'm trying sooo hard though. I really am but there is this little voice in my head saying "you can't be with her now. You need to work on yourself. You weren't ready and her leaving you taught you that. You still belong with her but you need to be the man she truly wants and in time she will see that".

 

It's frustrating. I want that voice to say "f her, there are so many better out there for you and you'll find her VERY SOON. Work on yourself and the perfect girl will come to you, trust me". That voice ins't there. I only have eyes for this girl. It's something I hate. I see pretty girls all the time but they don't have that aura around them that she does. I hate that someone else out there is getting to experience everything that I want right now. Somewhere out there is a guy who knows her smell, her touch and everything about who she is. Someone who lays in bed and thinks "man, i am such a lucky guy". I hate him for that...I truly hate him.

[deavyin]

Broke NC. Sent her a text message asking if she had some water bottles of mine that are insulated. Told her it was cool if she didn't and then mentioned something about how the bar we always went to took our favorite drink off of the tap.

 

I last told her I never wanted to speak to her again and how painful this all was and how I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. While a lot of this is true, I hate that she sees me as this weak person because that is never attractive. I have no intentions of hanging out with her while she is still with him but I am ok sending the occasional text so long as we keep him out of it. I want her to see how over her I am and how much i am improving myself.

 

Of course, I don't plan on saying "i'm totally improving myself" but if she were to say "you seemed to have lost a lot of weight and are doing well" i'll mention something brief about it "yeah, I had a pretty decent work out routine going well and we just picked up some new contracts here so i'm busy busy".

 

Gotta make her remember why she liked me in the first place whilst shielding myself as much as possible from any knowledge about her new guy or life.

 

I know it won't work in the end. I just want some of my dignity back.

 

Feel free to firebomb me for doing this.

[deavyin]

she responded already (so much for her agreeing to not contact me ever again).

 

She said she had one and will look for it tonight. Then said it was tragic that the drink was no longer on tap.

 

I replied saying that It wasn't a big deal about the water. Just that I forget to bring water with me the other day and nearly died of exhaustion; not a good idea.

 

let's see how she replies if at all. If she does and tries to keep it light, I'll wait a while before responding. Don't want to seem too eager to speak to her.

[twitchyfingers]

deavyin, one thing to remember by way of encouragement:

 

If you were able to find and attract this one girl, you will be able to find and attract another of her caliber. I know how special she is to you, but try to keep the larger picture in mind, and don't fall prey to one-itis. (Easier said than done.)

 

I know what you mean about wishing you believed in a higher power sometimes. I kind of envy people who can "turn it over to god" or feel like their breakup is part of some master plan that is ultimately for the good. I just feel like I'm getting * * * * * -slapped by the Universe some days!

[deavyin]

I know that I can attract a girl of her calibre and I'm not discounting that as an option.

 

I sent her a text saying that I was sorry that I took the break up so badly and that i wasn't proud of myself for it. i said that I am moving on with my life and doing really well. I said that we could text if she wanted to but if not that was fine as I understood. I thanked her for making me realize that there are things about myself that I wasn't happy with and wanted to work on. That I just wanted to end things on good terms and let her know that there is no bad blood between us.

 

She responded and said "that's good to hear, thank you. Miss talking to you".

 

I have no intentions of being her whipping boy. I'll probably ignore this text until I hear from her again. If I do I'll wait a few hours (or days) before responding so that she doesn't think she has me on her chain. I don't want to give up on this girl but I am more than sure she won't come back. At least this way I'll have the greatest chance of showing her that we should be together and exiting with my head held high instead of seeming like a sad pathetic needy creature which is probably what she thought of me.

 

I know that she misses me but right now doesn't want a relationship with me (and might never). I have to wait out this new guy and see where it goes. I have no intentions of bringing him into the picture at all or even talking about him. If she brings him up, which I doubt she will, i'll just ignore it.

 

I want her back. I'm going to maintain LC with her and keep it very light and fun. I want to remain in her mind enough to plant a seed but not enough that I give her the emotional support she needs while she transitions from me.

 

It's going to be tough to do and I do hope that I move on and meet someone else during this. I just can't stomach NC with this girl because I feel like we should be together and I have to do everything I can to fight and bring her back to me.

 

I don't know how she feels about me now or how she'll feel about me in the future. I do know that she doesn't like having me out of her life and I guess that is a bit of a seed. There would be absolutely 0 hope if she had no problems talking to me again. My big ex, when I offered her communication, flatly turned me down because she didn't need me in her life at all. I guess it's at least a good sign that this girl wants me in her life. I know she cared about me or we wouldn't have moved as fast or as far as we did. For some reason, something muddled that all up and now she is with this guy. I don't see it lasting but I don't know how it will go.

 

I just know that, right now, i want her in my life as my g/f. I'm not stupid enough to think that I could settle for anything else and she'll never get my friendship the way it was. I hope, in time, that gets to her. If she asks me out for a beer or to just hang on the weekend i'm going to make and excuse and say that I can't. I'll never say "i don't think we should because it's hard on me right now". I'll just be too busy to devote my time to her fully.

 

I can already tell that she likes the change in my appearance (i know that wasn't the only reason she left me). Whenever I walk by she does a double take and, if everyone else has commented on it, then surely this girl who I have been intimate with on many occasions will have noticed it as well.

 

Man, love sure is a crazy thing. Do I want to be with a girl who would leave me for someone else? I don't know. I'll never know until she does/doesn't come back. She might (probably won't) never come back and when she does I might not want to be with her in a relationship. While she is with him then a friendship like we had before will never be possible. However, if they break up then a friendship between us might be possible and, who knows, it might turn into something else.

 

When we were together before I wasn't someone she could feel proud to have on her arm and say "this is my b/f". 4 months from now she'd be lucky to have me (i'm speaking on looks alone; i also know that i'm a great guy). We'll see how it all goes. I'm just really looking forward to getting out of here and working out.

 

I have 0 intentions of texting her next. The ball is in my court and i'm going to leave it there. I opened up the door of communication (for better or worse) and i'm going to sit back and move on with my life. At least this way she doesn't feel like i'm dying over her and being all sad/pathetic and that is already a good place to be (even if you want her to know how hurt you are; which is very unattractive).