NC journal and place for me to rant.

[Gerda]

I asked her to give me one single reason why we aren't compatible. She hasn't offered a single one.

Yes, she has: She doesn't want to date you any more. That's the most clear and basic reason a person could have for not being compatible with somebody. You keep on asking her questions like that and she's trying to not be RUDE or MEAN. She has told you over and over that she...is...not...interested. You just refuse to listen.

 

And we all know you're going to continue to talk to her. At this point your "I'm done, never gonna talk to her again" speeches are borderline comical. GrowingIn was specific about this--send her the text and then THAT'S IT. Do not respond, do not reply, just get in that last word and WALK AWAY. You are right back where you have always been, looking at your phone and waiting to hear from her. Not trolling. Just telling you exactly how it is. I hope I am wrong.

[deavyin]

you are right gerda. She doesn't want to be with me. That is the main thing. Still, i only asked her to explain why we couldn't work if she had wanted to remain with me. They are different things. I know it's over, I really do. Doesn't mean that we are incompatible.

 

You are also right that I am looking at my phone waiting for a response. I got in the last word and of course i'm curious if she'll just leave it at that. Doesn't mean that i'll contact her again. I really won't and I will come back here everyday and post what day of NC it is. She made it very clear last night that it's over and she wants nothing to do with me. She made it as clear as she could possibly make it. What could I possible say to her now? She really upset me last night and even angered me with the things she said.

 

Hell, if I contacted her again I don't think she would even respond at this point. I cna't even think of a single thing to say that isn't just a rehashing of something I have said over and over again already. It's done..I get it. Time to move on. she isn't coming back. I'm not deluding myself anymore.

[Gerda]

It's done..I get it. Time to move on. she isn't coming back. I'm not deluding myself anymore.

If I really believed that I'd totally do a *fistpump* for you and say, "Alriiiiiight!"

 

Have you listened to that Cee Lo Green song yet? I'm telling you...it's therapeutic.

[deavyin]

it's not an issue of believing me. What's done is done and there is no way I can convince myself otherwise. I tried today to find hope in the situation but there is none there.

 

Whether I want it to be over or not is a different thing. Of course I still want to be with this girl cause i'm a fool for her. Doesn't mean that I believe for a second now that i'll ever be with her again. I know what she said and how she feels about me. If she didn't have romantic feelings for me before she CERTAINLY doesn't now. I don't think anything short of a miracle would bring this girl back to me and I don't believe in miracles. Sure, it's going to be weird seeing her in the office from now on especially after everything that has happened. Sure, a part of me wants to hold onto hope that they break up soon and she can't keep away from me because of our shared "bond" but even I know that's a fools hope and best left alone.

 

what other choice do I have now but to move on? She's lost to me forever...I will never be with her... I know this now. Our lives have parted ways. it's not GIGS or a rebound. She doesn't fancy me in that way and never will. I can say it a million different ways and they are all true.

 

Don't fist bump for me because I'm obviously in a bad way right now so i'm not 'moved on' but it's time to turn my back on this girl and walk away because the fight is over and I lost.

[deavyin]

there are definite stories of people getting back together after crazy break ups but this doesn't seem like one of those times. She had to have had real feelings for me in the first place and those never developed for her. It's a shame, it really is but I need to face the cold hard truth: she never wants to be with me. It's not going to happen.

 

It's a shame too, we would have looked good together and gotten along swimmingly but I just have to deal with being single from now on. I really still have no intentions of going out into the dating world again...there really is no point if this is what I get out of it. I have had * * * * ty * * * * ty luck my entire life with girls and this one takes the cake. I'm done...putting up my towel ...i am officially out of the 'game'.

[deavyin]

the chances of her coming back are a million to one. I should know, when it comes to luck I have the worst. I have never won a raffle or even a single dollar play scratchers. I never even won a free coke back when the 20 oz would give them and the odds of that were like 1 in 7.

 

When I lived in CA i was a big fan of the san jose sharks and I went to a bunch of their games. They never won once when I was there

 

Same with the san fran giants. Went to a bunch of their games and they never won once and then they went off to win the world series last year. The year after I moved back to DC.

 

I am a big DC united fan and I've been to about 10 games. Not ONCE did they win (granted, they kind of suck right now).

 

Every girl I have ever been with has chosen another guy over me...every single one (save for one girl i dated in highschool but that was over 10 years ago). Every girl I wanted to be with has chosen someone else over me.

 

if luck exists, I have the worst of it for sure.

[deavyin]

man this is painful. Thank god it's friday. I feel empty inside.

[GrowingIn]

Deavyin. You did good. Like I said, it doesn't have to be perfect. But that first "FY" is the biggest hurdle. At least you got some * * * * off your chest that I knew you were bottling up inside. And it's good that you FINALLY let a tear out. It will get better from here on out.

 

Oh and I never said there was a good chance of getting back together, just a better chance than the way you are going before. You have regained a little bit of a backbone! And I knew she wasn't going to take that lying down....but my question is....did you at any point insinuate that she acted like a hoe?

 

That was key.

 

And snap out of it....only part of you wants her back but the other part doesn't, remember? Cap's been there. You'd have to get her sterilized, scrubbed and tested....way too much trouble. She's used up now. She messed that chance up.

[deavyin]

haha no, i didn't insinuate that she was acting like a hoe. i did tell her that she was chasing an infatuation and the honeymood period and that stuff doesn't last. I also told her it's obvious this guy isn't going to last with her (probably not smart to bring him into it since it only pushes her further towards him).

 

I said, take it as you will, FY. I went back and forth during our texts last night from being angry and sad. I was all over the place. I never begged her or pleaded with her to be with me. I just told her she was full of b.s. and that leaving me for another guy was f'd up. It truly was.

 

It doesn't matter in the end. I know you didn't mean that there was a 'good' chance she'll come back to me. I was only trying to say that there is 0 chance now that she'll ever try and get back with me. Believing in anything else would only create false hope in me and that's not something I need right now.

 

I know it's over between us for good. It's just hard not to care about it though. To sit here and wonder "how long will they be together...i hope they don't work out". I hope those thoughts go away. I feel like an ass but if I can't be happy with her then it doesn't feel like she should be able to be happy with him...especially after what she did.

 

Too late to call her a hoe now. Also, there is something different between "FY for what you did to me" and " you're a hoe" since the latter is straight up name calling and that could make things ugly.

[GrowingIn]

Yeah well, she's still a hoe to me.

 

And what you did wasn't about you and her getting back together. It was about you. Six months or a year from now when you meet your next one, if this ever comes up, looking back you can say "I told her to go * * * * herself" and it's actually true!

 

If you are satisfied with what you had to say to her, that's all that matters. Now you can actually begin 100% NC.

[deavyin]

She's a hoe to me too. Believe me.

 

That's what scares me. 6 months down the road? a year? 2 years? another 4 years?

 

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of people telling me "you'll meet her when you least expect it" and then she never shows up. I'm tired of looking at all the happy couples out there. I'm tired of being the only single guy in the group. My friends are all recently married, getting married or in relationships. Every single person in my group at work is in a relationship. I'm the only guy who has no one. I know so many people who go in and out of relationships so easily (this girl included) and I latch on when I get a chance because those chances don't happen all that often.

 

I think it would have been a lot easier to get over this if I knew, without a doubt, that someone was going to come along within months and I could give it another go with her. I think I have codependency issues because I'm afraid of being alone my whole life and when a girl like this comes along and then leaves I think "crap, there goes my one shot at happiness...might as well go out and buy some cats".

 

I'm a good looking guy (not to toot my own horn but I am) i'm really sweet and caring and i'm not a total social outcast. I'm very shy and that's a huge problem. I'm not good at initiating conversations with random girls. It's always been difficult for me. I don't really want to meet someone at a bar though and when i'm in a social setting with people I don't usually have trouble talking (though i'm usually not the center of attention).

 

I just need some reassurance that i'll find someone again. Not some 3 month fling where she leaves me for the captain of my soccer team. I want to know that i'll find another relationship and it won't be some crazy 10-20 years down the road. That's the scary thing right now. I just need reassurance.

[GrowingIn]

And as far as this part goes. I'm about to say this not just for you, but for myself. You are taking a break but not out.

 

But stop and think for a second.....when was it that life and relationships was just all about luck? I only started "accepting" that saying after my divorce, because it was what my friends and family used to console me when I was down on myself. It was the only thing that could bring back some sanity. So I accepted it.

 

But is it really all about luck? I think it's only partly about that. Isn't there some control we have that can help us increase your chances? I think there is. Isn't it possible you know this and you just forgot or no longer believe it? Before I became depressed when things were going good for me, it wasn't all about luck. It was about what I was doing. I didn't believe in luck. I was making things happen. I didn't need luck, superstitions, or accepted the common beliefs. I took luck if it came my way, and was happy to have it, but I didn't rely on luck, good or bad, to live my life. It's time to live like that again.

 

Take a break, take the time off, and start remembering the simple truth: Life is what you make out of it. Love is created just as much as it is found. And if you want something bad enough, maybe not in the state of mind you are in now, but later after you heal, when you put your mind to it, when you stop "bad luck" from entering your life because of what you do, and how you live, what's there to stop you from achieving what you want?

 

"Bad luck" isn't for the future. It's for the mistakes of our past. You may have a hard time being strong now, because in reality you are down and weak and it's completely out of your control. But it will be easier next time using the experience you have acquired to make the necessary changes when you are in a state of mind that you can actually do this, when you are in a relationship that's working, when you still have control and are in control!

[GrowingIn]

Remember what I said before and I am the same way. It is a feeling of loneliness and seeking in others what you are missing in yourself that primarily drives you into these types of relationships. But you are either going to get over it, become emotionally independent....OR......it's going to work when you find someone as co-dependent as you that works with you! This girl was not that person, and if she is the emotionally independent type, you certainly aren't there so it was never going to work. But one of two things will happen if you want it to: either you will become whole and find a whole....or soon enough you will begin to learn how to pick your partners, and they will not be the same type of women you have always fallen for! If you have self esteem issues, you will most likely work best with a girl that also has self esteem issues. Instead of seeing it as weaknesses or turn-offs in each other, you will both accept and understand each others issues. And a hot, tight body, workout girl, just isn't one of those types of women.

 

As far as when? When you stop despairing over it and when you stop making that your priority in life.

 

Besides how can you say it will always end up that way? First find someone that wants what you want, is with you and WANTS to be with you for the long haul. You didn't have that! You had a hoe! Of course that wasn't going to work man.

[deavyin]

I hear what you are saying. It's why i plan on joining a couple meet up groups. I don' tknow a lot of people out in my area since my friends all live 40 minutes away from me. Also, I need to expand my social group because I don't always have plans when the weekend comes and I don't want to sit around my place.

 

Who knows who I will meet. Obviously I need to get out and meet more people if I want to find that special someone. I have no real avenue through friends to meet someone and work is a definite no no for me now (and will always be) and aside from that I don't really do much. In my group of friends there are 4 girls and they all are the type that hang with the boys more often than with other girls.

 

I know we all make the circumstances that can lead to love. If I hole up in my place forever i'll never meet that person. I could say "nah, don't feel like going out to that meet up tonight, i'm going to stay in" and you never know. That might be the night when SHE shows up. The one i'm supposed to be with.

 

This situation does feel like bad luck though. We started off hanging out with other coworkers and then became fast friends. Next thing you know we are together and i come up with the idea to join a soccer team. We join said team together and then a month later she leaves me for the captain (who was putting moves on her the whole time behind my back calling her and texting her).

 

It's hard not to say "what if we never joined that team?!". Sure, she could have done this to me at a later date or she could have developed feelings for me since she already said she had begun to but was fighting them. It's really crappy when you wish you could just turn back time and do things differently.

 

I do want to find someone...I really do. I know i'm not in the best state of mind for it right now so i'm not going to force myself to (wouldn't be fair for me or for her) but that doesn't make me less scared that it just won't happen. I know that the first thing I need to do is get myself out and meeting new people. My social circle is way way way too small. I only ever hang out with 1 or 2 people at a time and it's always the same people (not that I don't love them, they are great friends and are always there for me). It just isn't conducive to meeting new people.

[LP90]

Hi all, today is day 1 since the breakup for me and im a complete mess. We were together for what was going to be 2 years next week (june 10th). Over the last few months she has turned into a different person and started hanging out with a guy she met through some of her family friends. It seemed like nothing at the time but only a few weeks after i found out she was spending too much time with him for it to be anything "friendly" i told her i didnt like it one bit. Before long pictures on her FB account of us were all gone, pictures at her house of us were taken down. We started arguing over it and she kept giving me some BS excuses for why they were gone. We finally seemed to talk it out and she seemed like she understood what was wrong and "sincerley" apologized. A few more weeks go by and what do you know, she is hanging out with him AGAIN. Again we get into the same fights about the same thing and after a while i finally seem to make my position clear, im sick of it and do not want her around him. Soon enough i still see her emailing him, texting him and still find out they are hanging out at cafes, lounges, going to parks and all alone. There is no way they are just friends. So yet again i confront her about it and she starts to reassure me they are JUST friends, they just have good time together so they hang out a lot. She has plenty of other friends shes known for years yet this guy she knows for a few months is now her "best friend". Slowly but very surely she started to barely ever call, text, email, anything. Only if i initiated it myself. She kept reassuring me that im the only one for her, and they have no feelings for eachother whatsoever and they talked about it so its nothing like that. Deep inside i still had extreme anxiety about where she was, what she was doing and with who. She kept telling me im just being paranoid, nothing is going on. I started to feel crazy, maybe it was really just me dealing with extreme anxiety and thinking of the worst possible. Things finally started to fall back in place last week when even her kisses seemed more passionate unlike before where she would kiss me but feel cold some how.

 

Yesterday i talk to her on the phone and she said she is going to hang out with the girls at a cafe near her house. I told her to tell em i said hi and what not. She said " will do over text. About 2 hours later i get to work and get a call from my cousin saying shes at a mall thats about 30 miles away from my GF's house and asks if im there too. I say "noooo, im at work". Long story short, my cousin sees my gf walking with this guy holding hands at this mall smiling. I literally dropped my work and left to go outside and find out whats going on. I text her and say "are you at this mall", to which she replied "y?". So obviously she was and i call her immediately. I ask her what is she doing there and who she is with. Without even trying to deny it she says im with him and i yell at her "why the F*** are you holding hands with him!!!???" her reply is "can we talk about this later?" I said NO!, NOW! what are u doing with him and why are you holding hands?? She tells me "it just happened" at which point i just hang up on her (first time ever doing that btw). I literally throw up after hearing this and 10 minutes later try to call her back 3-4 times to talk to her and of course she ignores my calls. 30 minutes later shes texts me again saying "it just happened". Again try calling and she wont pick up. I left my job in a panic because i couldnt even stand still, i was in extreme rage. "it just happened" is THE dumbest and worst excuse i have EVER heard and am beyond shocked that was her excuse, still cant get over it.

 

I go to my cousins house who saw all this and she helped to talk me through all this and what to do. It was beyond obvious to me its over now and ive given her more chances then she even deserved because i was so hopeful we would be able to work it out. My gf then calls me and i then ignore it as well. She left me a message basically saying, "i know i am the last person you want to hear right now and i know i messed up really bad. I wont even try explaining myself and giving you sorries because it doesnt even matter anymore. I know you probably wont ever want to talk to me again and i completely undestand. I know you werent the one at the mall and some one told you what they saw so i dont know. If you want you can call me, bye". After hearing that with my cousin, it was super obvious she was mad that she got caught red handed, not the fact that she was cheating on me all along. Nor the fact that if we dont speak any longer she will be ok.

 

I came home after my cousins house and removed EVERYTHING of hers, her emails, pictures, FB, phone numbers, text messages, everything she ever gave me. I didnt not sleep the entire night at all because i could not get it off my mind that the person who was reassuring me for the last 2-3 months i was only one for her and she "loved" me to death was lying all along and i believed it. She knew exactly what she was doing was wrong and i dont like it, and she did it anyway. I am beyond a loss for words and emotions right now. 1 week before our anniversary and she does this with a guy who is leaving for out of state college in august. I cant understand if she is plain stupid and thought she could try to keep me while hes here then when he leaves shell still have me or what possible reason there could be for ANY of this. I called my manager and even told him i wont be able to come to work for a least a week for personal reasons, fortunately manager is a great guy and understood no problem.

 

I cant stop thinking and crying about all this.My girlfriend of 2 years who i was sure loved me with all her heart was just a game this entire time. I have no had any communication with her since i called her to confront her about her sneaking around. Im not sure how to handle this either. I want some kind of closure, but there is nothing at all that i dont already know or she will answer. She is obviously a liar and a cheater so i dont know what more i can do to finally start healing. I could really use some friendly advice and tips on how to start working on myself now. I am in extreme pain right now and want nothing more than to get over all this ASAP. I want to forget i knew her and threw my heart at her with everything i had. btw, this was my first real love, so im afraid im going to have an even harder time getting over this. But please any and all comments are welcome.

[GrowingIn]

Well it seems like this has now become "the hoe" thread. My advice to you LP90 is the same as deavyins. Go back and read some of this thread and then after you have done that, come back and post your new-found perspective.

 

See deavyin? Be glad it was only 3 months! At least she left you before going to the next guy.

 

In your case, not only do you have a hoe on your hands, but a cheating hoe at that. My man, that is ALL on her. Really. 100% on her. That's her problem. She can justify it all she wants, but unless there was a point in your relationship where she came to you and said "listen unless you do this change I will cheat on you" you have no reason to blame yourself.

 

Cheaters usually have serious self esteem issues. You have three choices:

 

1. The sensible route. Start moving on, 100% ignore her, and never look back.

2. The hard route. This is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have a lot invested on both ends and you believe is worth saving. She realizes what a mistake she made. She is willing to change, putting the hard work and re-gain her trust. You need help from wiser people than me here.

3. REVENGE.

 

If you need help with number 3, let me know. Hint: Does she have any sisters or close friends you think you have a chance with?

[deavyin]

That is a crappy story man, i'm sad to hear that. I am glad mine was only 3 months and she didn't cheat on me.

 

I am just tired of being girls stepping ladders to relationship bliss. I wish I had met this girl after she found this guy. At least that way, when we became friends, I could have said "oh, she has a guy..of course...oh well" and remained her friend. Or, she could have gotten with him AFTER we broke up (you know, like a few months later) when I had some time to get over the break up and get back to being friends with her (or not). I'm just tired of girls who are looking for love finding when they are WITH me. This girl was obviously searching for someone to be with, she found him but there was only one complication...she was already with ME.

 

It's so f'd up. She thinks it's all good what she did and she wants to defend herself. You left me for another guy. I wish we didn't live in a selfish world where everyone was just out for themselves. I hate that she is happy and enjoying life AND a new love.

 

It's been over a month since i've been laid. I wonder when the last time she got laid was (god, i don't want to know). She took the easy route. She enjoyed her time with me and then found someone she could actually see herself settling with. She gets to look back on the time we spent with fond memories as a short chapter in her life. I have to look back at it with pain and resentment. I don't get someone to go to, I don't get to enjoy life...I can't even think about the stuff we did togther without it hurting tremendously.

 

She is lucky..to have found someone who makes her happy even at the expense of me. I want to experience that once. I don't want to leave someone for another person or be the guy that get's chosen over a girls current boyfriend. I just want to be in the situation she is in. I join a soccer team, group or whatever and meet someone I just click with and boom we are off to the races. I want that... i want that badly right now. I don't want to be single anymore...I really truly don't.

[browneyedgirl36]

Oh wow...pretty painful stuff to read today, deavyin. This is going to be a long post, so get comfortable...

 

I didn't post yesterday when everyone was telling you to call/text her and give her a piece of your mind, but I kind of wish I had. Not that you would have listened to me, but...I would have at least attempted to convince you that it was a bad idea. There are several reasons I say this:

 

1) Whatever chance you had of her realizing she made a mistake is completely, 100% gone; not that there was a great chance anyway, given what she told you about the "spark" and all that, but...I think now, your fate with her is most certainly sealed. In the long run -- and probably even the short run -- though, this is probably a good thing. This is probably the least important of my reasons though.

 

The others are these: 2) You didn't do a lot for your dignity here in arguing back and forth with her about why she didn't give you even one "good" (from your perspective) reason for breaking up with you. I know that right now you may say that you don't care what she thinks, but...it's not what she thinks of you that's important -- it's what YOU think of you that is important, and I am concerned that you will REALLY, REALLY regret some of your actions later on. Whenever I have been tempted to get very emotional at my ex, I am reminded of what Greg Behrendt says in "He's Just Not That Into You": "Always be classy. Never be crazy." I agree wholeheartedly with this advice, partly because I care what others think of me (people I care about, anyway) but mostly because I care about myself and want to have as few embarassments/humiliations/regrets as possible. I'm NOT saying you're acting "crazy" per se, but, at least in the presence of your ex or in whatever interactions you have with her henceforth, it would be really beneficial to you to control your emotions as much as possible. This will probably mean avoiding her altogether, which is what you really should have been doing all along, or, if you MUST interact with her, being polite but not friendly and ONLY discussing work-related matters.

 

3) This next one is related to the last one. You work with this girl, which is ALL the more reason to get control of your emotions. What if -- just what IF -- she tells your coworkers (or even ONE coworker) about the situation, about you texts, your repeated requests for "reasons" for the breakup, etc. This could cause you problems at work -- at the very least in the form of coworkers taking sides/developing a bad opinion of you. Plus, I can guarantee that, after this latest text conversation, if you do bump into her at work, it's going to be REALLY uncomfortable. It's really important when a relationship with a co-worker ends, to try to keep the whole thing OUT of the workplace, and I can see where this latest incident could cause some ripples in the water at work. Damage control may be necessary.

 

4) I know you have said, yet AGAIN that "she's never coming back" and that you have to give up, but you've said that before. It's really important for your own well-being that you stop picking at this old wound that is trying desperately to heal. You're spinning your wheels here -- literally, the wheels are spinning and you're getting nowhere; this is not healthy for you at all.

 

I don't want to sound unsympathetic; I have been in your shoes -- or at least in a very similar situation. My ex and I still work together, and it is beyond tricky navigating the murky waters of getting along and not letting the world in on our business. I still love him -- I probably always will. We are still VERY attracted to one another, and he does have feelings for me (just not the head-over-heels-in-love variety, apparently), and I admit, at times, it is extremely difficult seeing him several times a week and interacting with him. But...I have made a promise to myself to "always be classy, never be crazy." If I want to cry, scream, curse, get really angry -- I do it at home by myself, or vent to a friend or family member, or write about it in my journal. Heck, I've even written him e-mails that I've never sent -- long, rambling ones where I dump all my icky feelings on him -- but...I don't send them. The result is that no one at work has ANY inkling that anything "bad" ever happened, and we manage to work together fairly well and are even friendly. In fact, he told me one time that he was "impressed" with how I handled myself -- how I managed my feelings. He has seen me upset (outside of work), but he doesn't have any clue about 90% of what I've gone through because I don't share it with him. Why? Because we're not together. It's not his responsibility. Yeah, he broke up with me. Yeah, at one point, he went back to his ex. Then, he came back to me (only, I think, because she had dumped him yet again and he was going through a very difficult period and I was comforting to him). Yeah, I've been sad, angry, frustrated, depressed, but...I have to deal with that on my own. No amount of venting to him is going to change anything, and it would probably end up making me look exactly the opposite of "classy."

 

Here's the thing (and I'm almost done, I promise, so bear with me): The more you try to get "reasons" for the break-up out of your ex, the less likely you will be to get them. You need to try to accept that love and romantic relationships aren't logical; that everything can *seem* great, but that doesn't mean it will work. If one person isn't sure or isn't feeling it, regardless of *why,* it's not happening. What you need to know is that, despite the outward appearance of compatibility (similar tastes in music, films, hobbies, etc.) what is inside someone's head/heart may be quite different. Her perception of the situation is just different than yours. That sucks, I know...I experienced that with my ex, too -- that inability to understand why, with everything we DID have going for us, that he chose to opt out -- but I can't change someone else's heart and mind. No amount of logic, rational explanations why we belong together, etc. is going to change things if he sees it entirely differently. The more you resist this, the more you seek reasons and answers, the more miserable you will be -- trust me on this. When you stop spinning your wheels, stop resisting, you will start to feel better.

 

A little exercise for you -- a cognitive behavioral therapy-related one: Make two columns on a piece of paper. On the left side, write a list of ALL of the negative thoughts you're having about this situation. Then, look over the list (you may need to leave it for a day or so and come back to it). As you're looking at your list, be honest with yourself and identify the places where you are making assumptions, where you don't really have enough information, etc. (This is about recognizing cognitive distortions). Then, on the right side of the paper, provide a counterpoint -- a more neutral one, at the very least -- to each of your negative statements. For example: On the left side, you might have written, "She thinks her new boyfriend is better than me." Look at this statement: You don't know this. All you know is that she has chosen to date him. So, you might counter this negative statement with, "While she has chosen to date him, it is not because he is better to me; she has simply decided that they are more compatible." That may not be the best example, but...I hope you get the idea. Also: Try to make a list of 50 things you like about yourself. Someone suggested this to me, and I laughed -- I didn't think I'd even get to 30, but I got to 50, and then some! I think you should try this.

 

Sorry for the long-windedness. I just really want you to start to feel better about this. In order for this to happen, your thinking (particularly about yourself) has to shift, and your responses to the situation have to change. Keep posting for support, and hang in there.

[GrowingIn]

His chance with her was already 100% gone by trying to just be friends with her and still giving her the safety net she needed. Except now he feels he has something to do with that. Not 100% hopeless. His dignity and pride was already on the floor.

 

I definitely did not condone asking for reasons from her since that just continues the doormat image. Telling her off, was the best thing for him for healing. If she wants to go bad mouth their relationship to his co-workers that once again falls on her. Not him. As long as he does 100% no contact from here on out and doesn't bring in the issue at work, he will be fine.

 

He might get lucky and she'll quit if she does something stupid at work!

[deavyin]

Thanks for the post browneyedgirl.

 

You are right that it was a stupid move. I was drunk and it just kind of happened (I was also very upset). I know that love isn't logical and I can't get a good reason from her. Also, i know she isn't going to give me a reason why we are incompatible but just that she didn't have the feelings i had. I can't make her want to be with me.

 

You are right, from now on I have to keep it classy. That is why I'm going to go strict NC with her and just leave her be. I know it won't bring her back to me now (nor would it ever) but at least this way, in a month or two, I won't seem like a crazy guy anymore. She'll say "ok, well at least that's over with..I haven't gotten a single text or whatever from him in a couple months". Emotions are heightened right now for both of us and we need time to cool our heads. In a couple months time i'm sure everything will go back to normal. Well, not completely normal. I'm sure we'll never really speak again or be friends or hang out or anything more than that. I'm pretty sure i won't ever say anything more than "hey" to her in the hallyway. We are both ignoring the hell out of one another right now and that's what I need. It's 3 and I haven't ran into her once today. I've heard her laugh and i still hate that but I haven't seen her and that's a good thing (though, i'm sure I will at some point...hasn't been a day yet where I haven't).

 

I am spinning my wheels...I'm hurt and i'm trying to justify all of this and find a way to bring her back. It's pointless because the more I prod at her the more I push her away. That's the ironic thing. I knew this going into the break up but i haven't been able to stop myself. I have no self control when it comes to this girl. I went NC the first time for 11 days exactly because of situations like this. I knew that once I opened up the line of communication things would just get tense or worse. The more i do this the less of a chance we'll ever reconcile (and you are right, there is pretty much 0 chance right now that will ever happen). Also, the more I do this the more justified she seems in chosing him over me and the more it pushes her into him. I need to give her time to miss me (not saying that it will bring her back). However, I do need to give her time to forget about the past month and remember the guy she enjoyed spending her time with. That way, when she sees me in the hall, I won't be that weird stalker guy who didn't know when to give up. Instead i'll be that guy she had really good times with and she'll think "hmm, I wonder what he's up to".

 

Still, so long as she is with this new guy she is off limits to me. If they were to break up i'd take it from there (not talking about a relationship, i'm not delusional). If I found out they broke up I might open up a line of communication with her. Start with texts or small emails at work and then go from there. Really depends on how I feel and that's a loooong way off anyway. Right now I need to focus on me.

 

It's why I want to join a meet up group. Not sure what though. I can't access the site at work so i'm going to check it out when I get home tonight. I need to meet new people because a part of my depression is coming from my small social circle and limited access to girls (even as friends). I'm also upset that I lost the soccer team and her friends (she has a lot of friends) and they were pretty much the only people I know in this area. So, I went from having a lot of things to do pretty much everyday to having barely anything to do and being alone all the time. It's hard not to think about her out there with him when you are just sitting at your place on a saturday night bored out of your mind. I need to occupy myself and work, working out, watching tv isn't doing that. I don't get out of work until 6 and then I need to work out until around 8 so that kind of limits me on what I can do during the week.

 

So, in summary...I will not be contacting this girl again.

 

This thread went from my NC thread to me ranting and raving about our contact then it became the 'hoe' thread. It's time to bring it back to my NC thread which was what it should have been all along.

 

Today is NC day 1. Doesn't entirely count since we texted each other around 8 this morning but i'll let that slide. I'm going to count today as day 1.

 

I'll keep this thread going for the next couple months or until the mods get sick of me and delete it. I need you guys to keep me honest.

[GrowingIn]

Dammit deavyin. No you freaking don't need to give her time to miss you. Stop thinking about everything you do related to you getting her back. I'm telling you man. Listen to a GUY!!! And no from now on you don't need to "keep it classy" because from now on there will be NO CONTACT!!! AT ALL! The only time you will have contact is through no choice of your own, or work related issues you can not avoid.

 

If you don't adopt the attitude "screw her", you will NOT get over this easily! Stop going back and forth and letting yourself be influenced by every opposing opinion. Stick to one thought, and the thought that was he did "was * * * * ed up" as you put it, is the absolute freaking truth and best thing you can do. You can worry about your personal issues, the changes you need to make later. Right now it's about you releasing the blame, putting her share on her and doing WHATEVER it takes for you to maintain NC and at the very least begin NOT WANTING her back. It's about GETTING YOURSELF TOGETHER!

 

* * * * HER!!!

 

You can let go of that attitude when you no longer need it! Say it for yourself. 100 times a day if need be. Here's the fact that I have noticed from the day I began writing to you. When you try to be sensible, calm, and collected you get down on yourself, your feelings get to you, you put the blame on yourself, you become weak and then you become DESPERATE.

 

Desperation and panic are the absolute worst types of emotions. They paralyze any person. ANGER is infinitely more useful than DESPERATION. You need to be so angry and sick to your stomach of what she did, that you don't WANT to have anything to say to her anymore. That is the point I am trying my best to get you to.

 

You need to make up your mind man. But for the love of God, whatever you decide, stick to that one thing.

[deavyin]

You are right growingin. It's hard to hate someone you care for and want to be with but you are definitely right now. I need to find a way to say Screw you * * * * * and leave it at that. When i said keep it classy I meant NC but if we do get into a situation where we are forced to talk to one another or be in the same room i'm going to keep it cool and not act up at all.

 

As for the time to miss me thing...i don't know why i wrote that. I do think we need time to forget this past month so that tensions are lowered when/if we do run into one another. I'm more than sure right now she is avoiding me like the plague. I'm sure she is looking around every corner to make sure i'm not there before she goes anywhere. Which is good for me since I don't want to run into her but I do want my dignity back and I need to get that by going strict NC with her right now.

[GrowingIn]

deavyin, the advice browneyedgirl gave you is good but that type of advice just doesn't work for everyone man and the usual route just isn't going to work for you. I know because I have been there and I can relate to you. It's one thing when a woman has similar issues, but it's another when a guy has those as well. A woman has a much easier time being weak in society during a break up than a guy does.

 

Do NOT feel guilty over what you did and do not worry about what others think of you. Believe me when I say, you can not maintain strength and save face by going the sensible route. That much is clear. So the next step is regaining your sanity by whatever means necessary. It's almost the same as being about survival. So don't feel bad about telling her off. Just stick to that attitude. And I re-iterate: I said attitude. I didn't say to keep doing it.

 

And yes I know it's hard to hate her. I know that when I tell you to say screw her, you say it but you don't 100% mean it and in the back of your head you keep going: "but I don't really feel like that". I understand that and I just ask you to trust me. Just keep saying that to yourself EVEN IF you are not yet 100% behind that right now.

 

That's why I keep writing "screw her" over and over so at least you are reading it and you get used to that idea.

 

Your own view on things is reversible if you decide to change that mindset later down the road. If after you get better you feel like it was perfectly ok for her to leave you for some other shmuck as soon as you join a club together.....fine....you will feel that way then. My bet is you won't and you will actually feel like you are WORTH SOMEONE and you will still say "screw her"! But if not, and 5 months from now you are completely over it, then and ONLY then you can change that. That I assure you! Cause it is ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

 

It's always been all in your head. And all of these conflicting thoughts and emotions and all of the advice you get, keep making you go around in circles. Which is why I say: saying "screw her" is the only thing that makes any rational sense at the moment and the one thing that you can hang on to until it gets you out of this dark hole! It's simple and effective.

[deavyin]

haha, you are right man. I don't feel bad about what I did. Part of me regrets it because it killed all hope but another part of me says "good, you didn't have hope anyway, you needed to make things final so you could move on and let go". There will never be a point in time when I think it's ok what she did. Sorry, I don't work that way. Screw her: if she didn't see it going somewhere she should have told me BEFORE she met this guy. If she did see it going somewhere UNTIL she met this guy then she's a * * * * * . Pure and simple.

 

I don't know if you know my backstory, but I was with a girl for 5 years who left me for my best friend of over 10 years. We were friends all the way from highschool and he was my coworker and a roommate of mine (and my ex) for 2 years. She left me for him 4 years ago and I have never forgiven her or thought it was ok. She even came asking for closure some 8 months ago saying "do you agree now that we wouldn't have worked out and it was a bad relationship so no one is at fault". I said no..i agreed that the relationship was whack but I did not give her the forgiveness she needed over what she did. So, i'll never flip on the way i am thinking about this ssituation and say "well, she only did what made her happy and I want her happiness". F that. She was selfish and strung me along and caused me great pain. yes, I continue to cause my pain by rehashing everything and keeping in contact. I didn't cause my pain when she dumped me. SHE dumped ME for another guy. That is painful and it's all her doing.

 

It's never a cool thing to do. I have a roommate currently who is seeing a girl that kind of has a boyfriend. I told him in no uncertain terms that it's a * * * * move he's pulling. I would never condone something like that no matter who it is. Certainly not for myself.

 

so yeah, screw her...definitely man. It's hard to hate her when I obviously still have feelings for her but it's my new mantra, so thanks for that.

[deavyin]

at least i'm getting out of the house tonight and that's a good thing. I ran over a nail yesterday so I have to get my tire replaced after work and then i'm going to drive out to my friends place and hang out with her. Probably meet up with a couple other friends too. I am glad that i'm not just going to sit around at my place all night depressed. Gotta get out there and do things.

 

I didn't mention something about yesterday. Late at night I was talking to a female friend of mine about the situation via text. I was heavily hammered by this time (had barely nothing to eat yesterday and I don't have much of an alcohol tolerance right now). I thought she remembered something but didn't. When we were in highschool I was over at her place helping her brother fix his computer. For some reason i developed a crush on her and later that day asked her if I could kiss her. She turned me down and a couple weeks later was with my best friend (yup, same guy my big ex left me for). They were together for 2 weeks and didn't even kiss so it's like meh.

 

Thing is, when I brought it up last night she didn't remember at all. Now she wants to meet up and talk about it... no thank you on that. She's a good friend but that crush went away a loooong time ago. Then again, i doubt she is into me (she just got out of a 5 years relationship a few months ago and has a thing for a coworker...big no no).

 

in fact, there is something going on with the coworker relationship thing recently. I just had this thing with my coworker that went belly up. My good friend is chasing after a coworker he likes (they are going to a wine festival tomorrow where he plans on asking her out on an official date) and this female friend is asking me advice on how to show a shy coworker that she is interested.

 

I keep telling them NO NO NO NO NO look at me..i'm the cautionary tale. They don't want to listed...stupid fools...i learned my mistake.