NC journal and place for me to rant.

[deavyin]

I am not trying to pick a fight with anyone and i'm sorry if I came accross rude...I didn't mean it that way, honestly.

 

Also, this girl is ready to settle. not only did she say so herself to me but she entered into a full on relationship with this new guy less than a month after leaving me. It's obviously not a rebound since we were together for 3 months and apparently she wasn't all that into it to begin with (which I have doubts about very much given all that she has said to me).

 

She just doesn't want to settle down with me and can't see a future for us. She is about to turn 26 years old and she is definitely looking for a man to have a future with. She might have some committment issues stemming from a past relationship but I don't know. She seemed real eager to committ to this new guy in a way she wasn't with me.

 

It's also not a G.I.G.S situation because, like I mentioned above, even though our 'relationship' was great it was only 3 months long. It was very passionate and full of promise for me but she was apparently in it for the fun until she found an out...which she did in the form of this new guy. A guy she obviously developed true feelings for in a REALLY quick fashion. He must have absolutely swept her off of her feet or something.

[Eocsor]

I have to defend my honor. Anybody can look at all of my posts and see I've been remarkably fair and supportive. But I get the picture, you don't want to hear what I have to say. Fine. Pearls, swine, and all that.

 

Gerda, you have to accept this breakup with deavyin with good grace. He's made his wishes clear and theres no going back. Any further contact to get him to try and change his mind is pointless. You need to go No Contact and work on yourself

[TiredOfGames]

Hey deavyin! I don't have a whole lot to add to what has already been posted so far, but I do want to say that I understand how difficult it is to work with your ex.

 

Do you work in the same department? Sit close to one another? Do you have to interact with her on projects? Or is it a case of working on the same office floor and passing her several times a day? Not that any of this matters if you hear and see her every day by default; I was just curious.

 

Here is a little of my story in the event that you find any of it familiar and/or helpful...

 

My ex and I work on the same team (and only 3 of us as it is). It's been over 4 weeks since the initial breakup (she was the dumper) and she basically moved into a FWB situation with a guy friend that she's known for a few years. I also know that in the past she's had similar hookups with him, and very likely emotional attachments which to me are worse.

 

Her cube is next to mine. Hearing her, especially when she is laughing and giggling on the phone or other colleagues is pretty tough. Seeing her is hard too of course. But even just sensing her presence has an emotional effect. I broke almost 4 weeks of NC with her a few days back with a somewhat curt email. I shouldn't have sent the email at all, and some of the things I said in there shouldn't have been said, but a majority of it did contain some cold hard truths. She didn't like it of course and I found myself feeling at rock bottom again. All of this following a similarly long weekend as you. Anyway, I received some great advice around these forums, stuff that I logically knew and had to re-accept/re-apply.

 

Today I feel like I'm back to where I was at around 21 days of NC. I hadn't been particularly friendly with her at work, and now I've decided to be cordial but nothing more. She walked into the kitchen this morning, walked right by me. I said good morning which pretty much forced her to return the good morning. I didn't say anything else, didn't even look at her after that. I simply took my tea mug from the microwave which had just stopped and walked out. That's how I intend to approach my interactions with her at work now. Cordial LC (but still very limited LC) and nothing more. NC the rest of the way. I walk with confidence, I chat and laugh with my other colleagues as I always have. Just being my happy self, not putting on a show or anything. Deep down when I hear her voice, see and feel her presence, it's still hard to deal with, but I force myself to act and appear calm and nonchalant whether she can see me or not (knowing full well that some of her close friend colleagues see and hear me often around the office).

 

I know that acting this way burns her inside to some extent. When I spoke with her on the phone following 3 weeks of NC she was upset that I didn't seem to care (this phone call was the start of my 1 week spiral down until today; also she called me after I sent a one line email about getting an item of mine back). She knew full well how much I had loved and cared about her, I told her this, but I also said that she hadn't even been a friend to me, let alone a lover, pretty much all year until the breakup. Suddenly she wants to be friends, but why should I care at this point? Why should I be her friend?

 

Anyway, she showed me signs that when I act happy, nonchalant, stop all contact with her, and generally act like I've moved on from her, this affects her negatively deep down. And somehow this makes me feel even better just thinking about it (whether it's the case or not).

 

Sorry, that became much longer than I had anticipated. I hope you are able to take something positive from my current experiences. I guess in a way I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your situation. The working together, the knowledge of another guy etc. I'm there with you buddy.

 

You have to force strength from within to stop obsessing about her and her life. Obsess instead about you and your life. I joined a few meetup groups (link removed) and went out with a running group last night. Lifted my spirits no end. Not just the exercise, but meeting new people (some of whom are also recently broken up or divorced), and socializing with them. Future friends, and also future activities to fill up the spare time.

 

All of the above is really hard to do I know, especially when you work together. But this working together has forced me to act in a certain way much sooner and with more vigour than I might otherwise feel the need to. For me the key was the obsessing. I obsessed when we first broke up, then forced myself to stop obsessing, then began obsessing again when NC was broken a week ago. I stopped obsessing last night and today, and it has helped no end.

 

Good luck to you buddy. Just know that you are not alone in your situation and that you can and will begin feeling better. It just requires effort on your part.

 

ToG

[deavyin]

Thanks man for telling me that story. hearing stories like yours does help me feel better and makes me realize that others are in a similar crappy situation and can come through it alright. I am lucky in that she is on the opposite side of the floor as me and the copy room is on her side of the floor. If i come out of my little cubicle bay i can see right into the copy room and if she is there I can just turn around and wait until she is gone (which is what i've been doing). I have only run into her in the hallway a couple times and the rest of the time I just see her from a distance or walking around a corner etc. There was a couple times when I would go out for a smoke and she'd come out too but I started using a different smoking area and she got the hint and doesn't go out there so there has been 0 chance of us running into one another that way.

 

I haven't spoken a word to her at work since the BU. You know how much it sucks to see that person you care about happy and know that she is in a relationship with someone else. I don't have to fake being happy since we hardly see each other and she can't hear me from where she is at (i'm not nearly as loud as she is). The only reason i can hear her laughter is because it bellows through the floor (she has a very powerful laugh). I do talk to other coworkers but not as much as I did before. It's still too raw for me and painful to pretend; though I do try as much as I can.

 

Obsessing is the hard part for me. I try my best to keep occupied at work but man my thoughts just take over me. I made it 11 days NC and I don't think that was enough. We have been broken up for 1 month and one week now and it's just not enough time to process all this. Also, i'm in limbo today because i'm waiting to hear what she has to say to me (if anything at all) per our last texts to one another.

 

I know i'll get through this. I know that i'll get through this much faster than a lot of people on this forum who were in longer more committed relationships. I have a lot of old demons that woke up when this happened and the circumstances of working with her and her leaving me for another guy kind of complicate things.

 

Doesn't help that I really fell for this girl in a way that I haven't for a girl in a looooooong time. I also have a hard time imagining my life without her in it right now. It's hard to do when you see her all the time because that image of her remains fresh in your head. I need to keep NC for at least a few months (instead of a week and a half) and go from there. It was my first time breaking NC and I know that it happens. I broke NC so many times after my big ex left me. It was a set back each time. I'm doing much better this go around as I was able to at least do 11 days NC within the first month of the break up. I think that is a good milestone. It shows that I can at least begin the process.

 

The long weekend didn't help at all. I did feel better over the weekend (though I had my moments for sure) and the second I got back to work and knew she would be here I just cracked. That's the irony of this whole situation as I have pointed out before. The weekends suck because you miss them and have to imagine them having a great time with their new person but at least you know you have real distance from them and won't run into them. The work weeks sucks because you know they are a stones throw away from you but at least you know where they are and that they aren't off doing stuff with their new person.

 

I think I would prefer a never ending weekend over the work week since the imagine and thoughts of her would have a better chance at fading away.

 

It just sucks that we broke up without a single fight. 3 months and not so much as a disagreement on anything and we did EVERYTHING together during that 3 months. you always hear about relationships ending with bitter fights and arguments and hurtful things said back and forth but ours just ended. She asked me out for a smoothie and then "bam son your done". It's hard when you have no real good reason for why things ended other than "someone else".

 

It's just a raw deal and I didn't deserve this. I did everything right.

[deavyin]

NC day 1 again.

 

walked right past her this morning but did my best not to even look at her. She was talking to her roommate about something (i think her kid) and they were laughing. Kind of hurt inside but I just sucked up my pride and walked by.

 

Haven't heard anything yet about what she might want to say to me if anything or if she found my water bottle at her place. Don't expect to hear anything from her either so i'm just going to move on with life.

 

Each time I want to check her facebook page I just tell myself "will power". I just say it over and over like a mantra when it's too tough not to.

 

Did a 20 mile bike ride last night and that helped me feel a little better. I wish I could exercise 24/7 because, right now, it's the only thing that makes me feel better about this situation.

 

Hard to get over the feeling that she is making a terrible mistake. We all walk our own paths in life and ours diverged about a month ago and are going in complete opposite directions. I can still see her in the distance when I look over but hopefully she'll fade into the sunset soon enough and become just another background noise at work. Such a shame...she is doing a very stupid thing.

[deavyin]

she said she found my water bottle and will drop it off at lunch.

 

She also said that she did have things she wanted to say to me and was going to write me a letter as she feels that is the best way to go about it. don't know when she'll do that but I told her that, if it was more soft letdowns or references to her new relationship, she shouldn't bother. She insists that she wants to write it so who knows what it will say.

 

Not getting my hopes up that it's anything I really want to hear. If she was confused about her decision she would probably meet me in person and tell me. It's going to be more crap about how she misses my friendship and how it's great that i'm moving on and working on myself and how she hopes we can be friends one day. How she enjoyed our time together and is sad that we can't be friends in the future. I have heard it all before.

 

Part of me wishes she wouldn't and i've hinted to her plenty of times that it's probably best we just go our separate ways and leave it as is. Still, I'll read what she has to say. Nothing in her letter is going to make me feel better about things but at least it will be a final word and I can go back to strict NC. I know how dumpers work; she will do everything in her power to make sure that there is 0 hope even implied in what she writes.

 

I wish she just didn't give a crap about me and said "it's best we just move on with our lives...goodbye". That's at least final. It's hard to give up hope when the other person keeps letting you know how much they care about you. How you two are bonded to one another and other stupid stuff like that.

[GrowingIn]

What's up deavyin. I was just checking to see what you have been up to and see you have been having your ups and downs. I just want to point a couple of things out. First, you have already come to that conclusion that she just doesn't want to settle down with you. It's kind of like my relationship where she said, "I don't see a future with you".

 

You really don't need more than that. That says it all doesn't it? Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want me back? The only way I would do that, is if I thought one day they would want me as much as I want them, if perhaps there was something I needed to do.

 

On top of that, stop putting so much into what she "said" about settling down. Honestly, actions speak louder than words, and so often women don't mean what they say. Or say one thing but mean another. Or most importantly, don't really know what they want. If she was really wanting to settle down she would be acting like so. Again, my belief with yours, from everything you have written about her is that she's not ready, despite what she says. Despite what you think. And the last question you need to ask yourself...IF she came back and said that she's ready to settle down with you....would you REALLY BELIEVE her?

 

REALLY? Think about it!

 

No matter what you do, like even if you want to push it till you get that final message, I say, fine go for it. Just don't get into serious trouble or something. You wanna stick around and play the game if you can still take the mind games. That's fine too.

 

But please ask yourself how much trust there would be if the two of you got back together at this point. Even if the miracle happens and came back to you and you just took her back.......you remember what I said about the way you teach them how to treat you. You will have achieved just that!

[deavyin]

Hey Growingin,

 

You are right, she doesn't want to settle down with me or be with me at all and that says everything. However, she has already settled down with this new guy and they have only been together for a little over a month. She went straight into boyfriend/girlfriend territory with him. Sure, we don't know if they'll last forever but her mindset going into it with him was very different from when she went into it with me; there is no point in getting my hopes up that they won't last long and it's better to prepare myself now for them being together for a long while so i'm not always waiting for the end.

 

I don't want to play mind games with her. I just don't know why I can't get a final answer from her. She seems like it's hard to be away from me but at the same time she seems like she doesn't want to ever be with me.

 

Also, it's hard to see a future where we don't get back together because I really do have strong feelings for her. That is why I'm pushing her for a final final answer. None of this "battling my heart" or "i don't know what the future will bring" nonsense. I need this to be over with and done. Granted, she has already done that and I don't know why i'm having a hard time accepting it. She said that she doesn't have romantic feelings for me and never will because that spark isn't there for her. I should have just taken that and left it as it is. But this letter nonsense is bothering me now (of course it would). I have asked her a couple times now to just not write it and say goodbye so we can just move on with our lives but she won't respond to that. I think she is going to write it anyway and I don't want to see what it has to say because I already know what it's going to say and each time I've heard those lines before they have hurt me.

 

I could take her back right now if a miracle happened (it won't, i know). It's only been a month and some change and I can forgive for that. People make mistakes and struggle with their decisions. Sometimes you need time apart from someone to realize what you are doing. Also, there were things I needed to change (for one my weight). I know that looks aren't everything but everyone wants to be with someone who reflects their own worth. She takes very good care of her body and is in fantastic shape. I didn't take good care of my body and I was in horrible shape.

 

I could understand that being a huge issue (though, I don't think that was THE issue at all). Now that i'm slimming down and getting in good shape I obviously want to be with someone who takes care of herself. It's not just so that i'm with a hottie but because I want to be with someone who is healthy and cares about her health.

 

None of it matters in the end. Either she will say "goodbye, I promise I won't write the letter" or she writes the letter and it's just a bunch of the same ol same ol i've heard from her. Either way, the end is nigh and I just have to wait it out. This is her last chance to change her mind and we all know here that isn't going to happen. If it goes down as I expect, this will be the last time I speak to her and we won't ever be together again or even friends.

 

The final nail in the coffin if it were. I am not going to put myself into another situation where I build up hope and am waiting patiently to hear from her. I can't do that to myself anymore.

[deavyin]

in fact, once i hear from her, i'm thinking about making a final post here and then taking a hiatus from ENA. I keep scouring these forums looking for that one nugget of wisdom that will make things all better and I just can't find it. It's good to know that people are going through the same thing as me but i'm only depressing myself further by spending so much time here. I'm starting to think that I need to focus on my will power and put this behind me. That means no ENA, no facebook and NC with her directly. It's going to be a struggle I know but it's probably for the best that I just let this all go.

 

 

I'm sad for sure. I'm possesive too; i keep thinking "this is supposed to be my g/f...this isn't how this is supposed to end" and it's thinking like that which prolonges my healing. I need to start telling myself "look, it's never ever going to happen. She isn't yours and she will never be. You need to not focus on her anymore because it's pointless. Whether she remains with him, single, or with someone else your paths in life have diverged and will never cross again."

[TiredOfGames]

Hey deavyin

 

Just remember that you are not alone and ENA is one heck of a good outlet. I wouldn't have made it to where I am now without this website and the great support I've received from many members here. You probably feel like you are not making much if any progress, but somewhere deep down you really are. Even in your last post above you talk again about how you know that it's over for good, and you know that your own obsessiveness/possessiveness is hindering your progress. But even knowing that is progress right there. Your brain is telling you one thing, the logical and correct thing, it's just your heart that's saying otherwise. And I've found that the heart can easily win out too if you let it. You have to not let it.

 

Everyone heals in different ways and at different rates. There are so many variables that no one person or situation will be the same. You too will heal at your own pace, but you WILL heal. You are making progress and at some point something will click into place if you keep plugging away.

 

As far as your work situation goes, I know from my past experience that avoidance of the ex was only really avoidance of my own pain. On top of that it can create a weird feeling workplace, and no matter how brave a face you put on, that will only make it harder. By facing my pain I've realised that I feel much better just by confronting it in the first place. Now I am the one holding my head high, acting nonchalant, exchanging the pleasantries, and not avoiding her. You work together, so avoidance is impossible and only serves to show the other person, and all others around you, that you are not dealing with things well. If you face things head on and show that it doesn't bother you, you will feel much much better on a daily basis as a result. It might even bother her a little to know you no longer care about her and that you've moved on. But then it also doesn't matter how she would feel about; it only matters how you feel.

 

Outside of work how do you fill up your spare time? I've tried a number of different things to begin finding what works for me and where I fit in. Many people around here become quite active to take their minds off of the ex and everything else that might be going on. Solo activities, while great, may not work so well at the beginning. They only serve to give you more alone time to think about everything. You need group activities, whether with existing friends or strangers (future friends!). Check out link removed for your area and see what groups might interest you. Group activities not only help to take your mind off of things during the activity, but they also help in connecting you with other people, and by connecting with others, you will gradually and naturally disconnect from your ex. This means you will think about her less, and more about the new people you are meeting, your new activities etc. Plan ahead also, plan for Friday night, for next Tuesday, next Thursday. Having plans will really help you to get through the daily grind too. Make your plans social, active or not. I've been getting involved in a number of things that I already have options for the next two evenings. I know which I'm going to go with, but just having a few to choose from (and all with different groups of people, and different events) will lift your spirits.

 

I could easily add more to the above. At the end of the day it comes back to what I mentioned before; how you feel right now, where you go from here (leading to how you WILL feel), is your choice. You have to make that choice and enforce it. That choice begins with socializing and planning to meet new people, hanging out with friends, being or becoming more active, trying new things with new groups, planning events and activities ahead of time, and most of all confronting your demons at the work place. You don't need to think in terms of "I'm going to stop obsessing". Instead, by doing all of the above and whatever else helps (reading and posting on ENA also!), you will naturally stop obsessing and start disconnecting your heart from her.

 

Good luck to you bud. You will get through. Keep pushing on.

[GrowingIn]

I'm going to be straight up with you. You have gone beyond the point of saving face right now. It's ok we all have at some point. And whatever she says doesn't even matter. This might be a shot in the dark, but I think what you really are trying to get to the point of doing and have not done and the only thing that I believe will help you get over this girl is to be in a situation and point where you can say something along the lines or attitude of "you know what go * * * * yourself" to her. In your own words.

 

Looking back, you won't be seen as having the best of character. But it will regain some of your self respect in her eyes and in your own eyes. That's it. That's what you are looking for. You need the hate stage to kick in for some time. I think at this point that's the only thing that will help you get over her.

[deavyin]

I've been in and out of the hate stage. I just need her to be forceful and let me know that she doesn't need me in her life at all. She already told me bluntly that she will never be with me but then we go NC for less than 2 weeks and it's all about how she has things she wants to tell me and wants to write me a hand written letter.

 

I just want her to say "i will never be with you and I don't need you in my life" because that's the lack of hope I need right now.

 

I can't hate this girl and I don't know if I ever will be able to. I never hated my big ex for what she did. I went in and out of hate but i never fully hated her. Hell, I still don't hate her. I haven't forgiven her for what she did and i never want to be friends with her/in a relationship with her ever again but I have a hard time hating anyone.

 

I don't have a single enemy (save for my bex best friend and I haven't spoken to him in yeeeeears and never laid a finger on him after what he did). In fact, while we were best friends he would drop in and out of my life constantly for months at a time. He'd get some girlfriend and then I wouldn't hear from him for 6 months and I'd get so incredibly upset. Then they would break up and out of nowhere I would get a phone call from him asking me to pick him up somewhere and boom we were hanging out again just about everyday. I don't know why, but I don't know how to hold a grudge. I've been wronged by several people in my life and i'm always quick to forgive.

 

I should have walked out on my big ex time and time again but I never did. Each fight should have brought up past fights for me (as it did for her) but I was always quick to forgive and forget. It's just a part of my nature. I don't know how to hate her. I tried to convince myself that I hate this girl for what she did but that feeling fades to quickly and I just end up missing her and wanting her back. It's pretty pathetic really.

[deavyin]

although I will admit that she is ticking me off right now. I realized I didn't want this letter because nothing good could come of it. I asked her politely as a parting favor to promise she wouldn't write it (because how could I not read it) and that she would just say goodbye so we could move on with our lives.

 

She hasn't responded to that. She dropped off my water bottle and I said thanks to her then asked her again if she would...she still hasn't replied.

 

I know she is going to write this stupid letter and i'm going to read it and be crushed all over again. It's annoying me that she can't send a simple text saying "ok, i promise I won't write it...goodbye". It's not that difficult. I'm getting tired of staring at my phone every 10 seconds to see if she has texted me.

 

I know i'm doing this to myself. She probably hasn't given it a second thought and is just going on about her day.

[twitchyfingers]

Question for you:

 

She's already made it clear, in different words, that there's no future for you two, right?

 

It almost sounds like you are waiting for HER to get mad and say, "STFU and GFTO, already!" before you'll feel like it's really over.

 

What is it that you're not hearing in everything she's already said?

 

She's made a choice, and it should be respected, whether you like it, think it's fair, etc. Correct?

[deavyin]

She replied,

 

not quite what i expected...hell, not what I expected at all.

 

She said there were things that bothered her about the way things ended. She was too busy consoling me to defend herself when i said that what she was doing was unfair. She doesn't like a lot of the things that I said. She never meant to hurt me and realizes now that nothing she can say can help me move on from this. She wants to defend herself but she said it isn't worth it anymore and she guesses she'll have to move on too.

 

Pretty f'd up...but I guess that's the end. I'm writhing with anger and hurt right now. She doesn't even respect me or feel that she was wrong in any way to string me along, dump me for another guy and then lie to me about it for a month.

 

all that crap about how she wasn't leaving me for him and how she wasn't planning on settling with him and all that crap. It's was all nonsense. She just wanted what she wanted and now i'm the bad guy because I didn't like the way she went about things. Please, give me a break.

 

It's absolute NC from now on. I don't have a single word to say to her after that. She ruined even the good memories i have of the time we spent together. It's pretty obvious now that it's over for good and she'll never be coming back to me.

 

this sucks.

[GrowingIn]

Sure, respected yeah. But it doesn't mean the guy has to take it lying down. He never did what he should have from the get go which is allow himself to be pissed at her just as much as he is at himself! Which is what I said from the beginning: "Go screw yourself".

 

And you can put that message in your own words as nicely or as ugly or even take the high road. Even if you feel it's not 100% true because you keep taking up for her. Me? I just tend to be blunt in situations like that. Because here's the deal, you have been a total doormat and weak in this whole situation. All you have done is send this message: "It's ok that you hurt me, I can take it, I understand, I'm not good enough, go sleep with my team captain, and when you are through, I'll be around in one way or another." Maybe all that's true...but she still dated you and slept with you! She isn't perfect either. She has her faults as well. And her fault is she seeks out guys like you to use a stepping stone. And THAT'S just as messed up as whatever issues you have.

 

Really the message that never got through and the reason you are driving yourself crazy is this: "Hey I know I might be messed up in the head, and have emotional issues and what not, but you still hurt me, which gives me every reason to be pissed off and angry, left me for some other dude so go screw yourself". Am I right?

 

Really, that's the only thing that will stop this. You have every right to be angry and resentful, at least temporarily, and you have not exercised your rights! She left you for the team captain! The SAME TEAM! SCREW HER MAN! That's messed up and you don't HAVE to respect her. Seriously. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE ANGRY? I'm angry for you! I'm on the outside and that's what I see and if you keep going on like this all you will do is get more and more people on her side because you will turn out to be the "crazy" one.

 

And then you'll feel even worse because you will start putting yourself down for "being crazy". You took up for her enough. You tried the friends thing. Ok big mistake. Now take up for yourself, even for how you handled the break up. You tried but honestly you realized that was a dumb thing to do, she doesn't deserve your friendship and you don't have to keep making mistakes from here on out because you finally realized how messed up it is that she left you for the other dude. You woke up. You realized you are not that damn weak or nice. You feel me?

 

PS: As far as the letter. You don't need a damn letter to know what she did to you was messed up! There is NOTHING that she could possibly say that will change that fact. I'd text her right now and say "Hey baby, unless your letter says "I'm a hoe and I'm so sorry" I really don't give a rats ass what you have to say to me". And that's it. Go 100% NC. Don't worry about the fact that you have been all nice and now pulling a 180.

 

 

EDIT: DAMMIT I WAS TOO LATE!!! I KNEW IT! * * * * Deavyin. Listen, you can still do it! Right now. One time man.. just one time...LET HER HAVE IT!

[TiredOfGames]

What GrowingIn said ^^^. I would only advocate such an approach on a case by case basis, and in your case I have to advocate it. I just re-read some of your earlier posts, even some of the originals going back to April, and I think I am now just as mad as GrowingIn is about your whole mess!

[GrowingIn]

Pretty f'd up...but I guess that's the end. I'm writhing with anger and hurt right now. She doesn't even respect me or feel that she was wrong in any way to string me along, dump me for another guy and then lie to me about it for a month.

 

Of course not! This is how this girl really thinks or is going to end up thinking and I'm willing to bet money on it: "I don't get what his problem is anyway. I'm hot, I look good, he's got a lot of issues, and I really don't see what he's got to complain about when he was getting laid for 3 months. He just needs to get over it. "

 

You just never saw that face of hers. She used you and she feels justified in doing it. You still want to tell me she's not a hoe? She's wearing the uniform man and she's not likely to see what she did is messed up. A hoe doesn't feel that way. She's really only concerned with herself.

 

PS: If you haven't done it already due to the change in circumstances I would say something like this. "Thank you so much for waking me up. I needed that kick in the ass, because here I was like a dumb ass trying to justify your motives for you, and you just made me realize what a selfish, shlong-hopping hoe you really are. I mean it's one thing to be a hoe and leave me for that dude, but to be an ignorant hoe on top of that? Damn. Thank you so much for leaving! I just realized I didn't lose anything. Thanks for the cheap lay! Cap can have my sloppy seconds". Oh and then no matter what she says after that...ignore it. Even if she says nothing at all. Trust me......she will feel that! You will get to her. And you go 100% NC. Unless she starts putting you down with a follow-up message to which I would only reply with..."what's a matter baby, did that get you wet? Can't help you, I'm too busy sterilizing my penis now that I woke up" And you STILL go NC. But before you do, you HAVE GOT TO let this woman have it man. It's either that or self pity and depression for you.

[WildChild]

Whether he gets angry or not, the question is: is he angry enough now to start and remain in full NC? He should be angry, but on the other side of this fence, he tells her to not contact him, then he contacts her. She contacts him back, he gets upset and says she's weak. He needs to stabilize his emotions in order to send a message of your caliber, and then stick with it. And if not, not only does he have his job to contend with, if he doesn't leave her alone after a message like that...and all the other messages he has sent? Regardless if she didn't say 'leave me alone' before, it would certainly be cause and action where she would consider a RO should she hear from him again. I don't blame OP one bit for being upset, but they both had their hand in the way things have played out since she left. I think he was struggling with his emotions, and in many knee jerk reactions would contact her, and then get upset if he didn't hear from her. Or if he did hear from her, get upset about her response. I don't think she could've won no matter what she did to try to rectify her behavior of leaving him. She on the other hand didn't realize how much she f'd with him, and then wanted to stay friends. It doesn't work that way, and she should get that, but she doesn't...so it says something about her; however too, she didn't look or see them in being in a relationship, and did refer to him as her FWB. But I do say it is apparent she has had patience with his back and forth behaviour, up and until this point. This is where she is now fed up with his anctics from after the BU, whether they are justifiable or not. So he needs to think long and hard that if he sends something like that, he will start, stay, and remain in full NC and never talk to her again. Even being angry, I don't think he's in that place to do that RATM.

[italiannmf24]

From what I've read so far this is a great journal and I can relate to the specific feelings you were having at the beginning of the journal.

 

You'll pull through this thing faster then you think if you keep up with yourself, start self-improvement and stay busy with work etc.

 

Keep doing you, man.

[GrowingIn]

I see your concern WildChild but honestly I think that's the only thing that WILL begin to stabilize him. As will all things in life, you do it, and then you get the courage for it after you do it. He's been scared of being angry and lashing out to her for what she did out of fear of losing her for good. If he can bring himself to say something like that to her....he will be on the road to letting go and moving on. Doesn't even matter if its full contact, as long as the following up contact is more along these lines. He just needs to be careful not to do something that will get himself into trouble.

 

Just don't forget the initial story...she left him for the team captain. What's there for her to justify to him? In the end when it boils down to it, she left him for another man(not just another man but a fellow teammate) and broke his heart and she's basically ignorant of the fact that always hurts, anyone, every time. And if she's not ignorant of that fact, it's even worse. Honestly she shouldn't be under any impression at this point that he can handle it from the way he is acting, so she's toying with him. She was willing to take that safety net as long as it was there. He shouldn't WANT to hear any justification. This is one selfish girl.

 

And deavyin, honest to God, you actually have an even better chance of her coming back, if God forbid that happens or you still want this creature back. You will kill 3 birds with one stone:

 

1. You tell her you are not a doormat and you put some of the weight on her to carry, which IS HERS to carry.

2. If she ever does come back at some point in the future, at least she will KNOW she has to admit what she did was screwed up AND that she really has to prove herself to you and regain your trust. And this is important. Because if it doesn't happen like this, you don't want her anyway.

3. If she goes crying to Cap penis, what is she going to say? "He told me you can have his sloppy seconds?"

 

You give him a big screw you too!

[Gerda]

I don't condone sending people insulting messages like that no matter how deserved, but the suggested dialogs made me laugh.

 

Time for a certain Cee Lo Green song yet? I think so.

[GrowingIn]

Well now I did say looking back he will be seen as not having the best character....but really.....at this point, not only did he ruin those chances, as hard as this guy tried with this chick, and I KNOW she KNOWS IT, so who cares? He should be worried about his character in front of a chick that left him for his teammate and doesn't respect him? Pfffftttt....

 

Better to be seen low but one that ends up taking up for himself than a nice and respectful doormat that you can never respect. His chance of earning her respect and attraction the right way are already out the window. That train has passed. But at least he will earn her respect out of fear. The fear of her getting called a hoe if she ever tries anything. EVERY woman has that fear of being seen or called a hoe. She won't be looking for a safety net there anymore, that much I can assure you.

 

And something tells me, this girl isn't going to be one of those girls that will just turn her back and not say something. He'll probably hear something from her. I think it will at least get her to acknowledge his feelings even if not directly to him, which is what she didn't do and all he really wants. Might seem immature, but again, I'm not worried about her here. I'm trying to help deavyin.

[deavyin]

Ok, might as well fill you guys in on the events of last night.

 

It was back and forth back and forth. I went to a bar with a coworker, on a completely empty stomach, and had one too many pints. I got very * * * * ty and basically told her to * * * * off in a text. You were absolutely right, she wasn't going to let that go. It went back and forth back and forth until this morning.

 

One text would be mean the next would be a pseudo apology. She went on about how we never defined things and she tried to explain how she saw things going. She said we were friends then we started to do more and it was a mutual failing on both our parts not to define things. If she knew how deep i felt she wouldn't have broken things off the way she did. She is so sorry she hurt me and will cherish our time together blah blah. I asked her to give me one single reason why we aren't compatible. She hasn't offered a single one. I told her that she left me for an immature arlington douchebag (they are a 'type' in the dc suburbs and he's one of them) and that she explained exactly why we were compatible and would have had a good relationship when she said we had mutual respect and a bond between one another.

 

It's over though, we stopped going back and forth this morning around 8 and I haven't heard from her yet. I don't expect to ever hear from her again and there is obviously nothing I can say or do at this point to change her mind. You are right, I have damaged any chances of bringing her back and probably pushed her even closer to this guy.

 

I told her she was full of * * * * when she said she didn't have feelings for me. I let her know how f'd up it was that she left me for another guy and then lied to me about it. It's going to be awkward at work from now on but it's not going to cause either of us any troubles since it's done now.

 

I don't see the two of us ever getting back together. I know you said there is still a good chance she'll come running back. I don't see that happening. Certainly not after the way things ended. I never saw it happening in the first place. I just still can't believe she isn't able to offer a SINGLE reason why we don't work as a couple. I told her she was chasing an infatuation and the honeymoon period and those things end. That she went for a guy that everyone can clearly see won't work out in the end. Probably not a good thing to say but man i was wasted last night. Never drunk text argue with an ex. Not a good idea. I got to her though, I know that much. All respect for me probably went out the window.

 

I woke up this morning and actually cried for the first time over this. I had teared up a couple times when we met face to face after the BU (she did too) but never did I fully cry. I guess I realize now that all hope is dead and any chance of a reconciliation is out the window. I think that is what made me break down this morning. It's hard to hate someone and miss them completely at the same time. I thanked her for breaking my heart into a million pieces and congratulated her on sticking the knife in and turning it over and over again.

 

This girl managed to completely invalidate every single thing we had. She made it seem like I was just some fun time she was having and that she never ever ever saw it going anywhere. It's b.s. though and i know that much. She had reservations when we got together. She started developing feelings and it scared her (this much she admitted to me on several occasions) and when she met HIM she found an out. Maybe she does feel more compatible with him right now. Still, she used him as an escape route from me and it was * * * * ed up because she knew how i felt about her (yet says that I gave no indication which is nonsense).

 

she ended with a goodbye...(my name).

 

Nope, she is never coming back. I lost another 'one' that i could have seen myself with for a LOOOONG LOOONG time. In her lack of good reasons why we are incompatible she admits that she knows we are. We have the same taste in music, movies, tv shows, sports, beliefs, values and what we want for the future. Sex life was great and we never argued or fought once. We clicked and got along perfectly. She knows this much but she felt a 'spark' for a guy she admits isn't her type. But she said she sees compatibility with him so who knows. I'm tired of being with girls i get along with so perfectly and then all of a sudden mr 'right' comes along and snatches them away from me. It's so f'ing frustrating. If you guys could meet this girl you'd see why this is so painful. Every guy who ever meets her wants to be with her...I thought I had a chance. In fact you can even look her up on facebook. She has no privacy settings. Her name is xxxxxxkate carneyxxxx (remove the xxx's; i put them there in order to make this post unsearchable under her name. her profile pic is her sitting in a char clutching a dan brown book. You'll even get to see the douche she left me for in a picture reading a book to her roommates son. The same guy who called me deavyin the dinosaur when I would do the same with him.

[deavyin]

at least this way I can stop looking at my phone constantly expecting a text or call that will never come because I know that there is 0 chance she'll ever contact me again. She is forever out of my life after this. Maybe this is what I needed? It hurts but it's a final nail in the coffin and there was no way she was going to change her mind anyway so it's better to end things like this so that there is no ambiguity.