NC journal and place for me to rant.

[deavyin]

Thanks for the link. I had actually read it before and it's very good advice. It's advice i need to learn how to take. I have acted nonchalant in the office. I can't bring myself to say hi to her or her to me right now, but I don't give her evil looks or act weird around her at all. I talk to other coworkers normally and don't act like i'm bothered by it except around those people who I am closest to in the office.

 

As for my NC journal. Broke that again. Kind of slipped the other day and lost my mind. I didn't like how incredibly awkward things were between us and I had a strong feeling she was extremely mad at me because of the f you texts and stuff. I sent her an apology text saying that I only said those things out of hurt and I hate how awkward things are between us. She didn't respond so I sent another and another and then called her and left a voicemail. I called her again after that and it rung once and went straight to voicemail (wonder what happened there).

 

This was 2 days ago. I got a text from her yesterday saying that she desperately wants to make things right between us again but it's too hard for her to even look me in the eyes right now since she is so hurt and angry about everything. She said it wasn't necessarily the things i said but the way they made her feel (i wonder what they made her feel). I sent back to her saying that I was sorry and I wish I had taken the break up better, walked away with my pride and didn't say anything.

 

She said that my texts were calming and appreciative to her. That she hopes that I am willing to meet her half way and resolve our differences. It would mean a lot to her and she thinks we should keep it at that for now.

 

I told her I didn't have a choice and then told her how i was sorry and it was out of hurt because i fell for her and blah blah about how amazing she is and how i still see us together in the future and i'm open to reconciliation even if it's 2 years down the road and all this stupid stuff I shouldn't have sent. Told her that I agree we both need distance and time right now for all the negative emotions to fade.

 

I ended up leaving at 11 from work because I was so emotionally wound up. I just laid in bed all day and watched romantic movies and cried like some pathetic sap. I'm at work now again today and feeling a little better. It's NC again.

 

Haven't checked her facebook page in a while and, as much as yesterday hurt, it didn't really set me back to day 1 or anything. I'm kind of glad that I at least ended things with my pride in check. Much better than the last texts we send one another being arguing, name calling and fighting. I never once forgave her for what she did or admonished her of any wrong doing since she strung me along, left me for another guy and lied to me about it. I am kind of glad that I at least walked away with some semblence of pride.

 

Found out from a senior coworker today that her group isn't doing so well. They already bring in the least amount of money to the company and get paid the least and they might lose their biggest contract soon which means that she would be out of a job. I'm not crossing my fingers but it would be great if that were true (she'll be fine, she has a great degree that she currently doesn't even use).

 

I have a lot of good connections in and around DC from my friends. I offered her these connections shortly after the break up and she turned them down saying she wanted to stick things out here but thanked me. If I find out that she is soon out of a job i'll still offer those connections. Even if I never see her again at least i can be the better man in all of this and, honestly, if I can help get her as far away from me as possible then that benefits me too.

 

Going out with a bunch of friends tonight in DC. Looking forward to that since the girl my friend is going after is bringing all her friends so at least I can get out and meet some new people.

 

I was so out of it and tired yesterday that I didn't work out. I was emotionally and physically tired and my body was sore from overworking out without enough rest. I didn't do my morning cycling this morning either...i just kept sleeping. I'm going to hit the gym after work before i head out to DC and from now on i'm back on track with the working out.

 

My god i'm looking slim. I still have a little bit of pudge but when I look in the mirror even I am turned on haha. It does boost the confidence. When I was 225 i'd be anxious to meet new people because i'd be that fat a-sexual guy. This girl has a lot of female friends and it would be nice to chat up some pretty girls (even if nothing comes of it; i'm just looking for new friends right now). So, i'm looking forward to this.

 

I don't think much about what they are doing anymore. It still bothers me they are together and I guess it will for some time. I'm just glad that i'm not laying there in bed visualizing the two of them together. Those thoughts to come every once in a whiel but they are fleeting.

 

Still very painful and raw. However, those texts yesterday didn't set me back. I wish I didn't send her the flowerly lovey dovey crap in the end but at least it cleared the air and cut through all the animosity and that's a good thing.

 

Still going to avoid her like the plague in the office and not say a word to her when i see her and i'm done with the texts.

 

Just gotta find a way to give up hope and move on.

[deavyin]

We have been broken up for 48 days now. Man, 48 days without her by my side...seems like such a long time but it's only been a month and a half. I can't believe i've been in this hell for 48 straight days now...i want this crap to end.

 

Today is again day 1 of NC since we talked yesterday. I marked down each day from now until august 10th (2 months from now) on my calander. Each day I go NC i'm going to cross out that number. At least this way i'll have a goal to look forward to (doesn't mean i'm going to contact her 2 months from now or anything).

 

By the time it hits august 10th, we will have been broken up for 110 days. I'm not telling myself that i'll be completely over her by then but 2 months NC is a good goal to set and I hope to be doing a lot better by then. 2 months from now I should be very slim and starting to get in good shape. I hope to have met new people and gotten into a couple of new things. I hope that I will be able to concentrate at work better and that i'll have finally put any stupid hope behind me. Also, I hope not to be so torn up everyday thinking about the two of them together.

 

2 months...here we go. Each day is going to go by so slowly. At least the weekends aren't so bad since I know I won't run into her or hear from her. My next monday it will be NC day 4. That's good. Next friday it will be nc day 8 and the following monday it will be NC day 11. Once I hit that day, i'll be right back where we initially left off with 11 days NC either way.

 

God, she is making such a dumb choice...I am such a great guy, i just wish she coudl see that. My love life is a joke.

[WeightOffChest]

Be strong. You were making such good progress by not contacting her. It seems that each time you contact her, there's an unnecessary amount of drama that you've created.

 

You'll text her angry things, then apologize for them later. It's almost as if you cause these situations as an excuse to apologize to her. You need to stop doing that. You're becoming an emotional slave to the idea of her. She is not doing it on purpose. Again, you heard that she MAY lose her job, even though she didn't explicitly tell that to you. You need to stop thinking you can come to her rescue. So what if your connections help her out? I know you're just trying to be a nice guy, but you're only putting yourself in a cycle of pain. In fact, you probably hardly cross her mind. You need to just stay strong with the NC and improve your life. Put her out of your mind altogether. Also, BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK.

[deavyin]

I know it's stupid that I keep doing it. I'm just in a really bad way without her and it's hard. I keep seeing her in the office and each time I do I think "god, why can't I be with her? Why does he get her? Can I really go my whole life without her?! is this really the end?!!?!". It absolutely sucks because you are right...I hardly ever come into her mind. I fell in love with this girl and to her I was just a play thing that ran it's course when she found someone she actually wanted to be with.

 

I was at my friends house the other day. He lives in a condo very high up in his building. The drop from his balcony is straight down like 500 feet. I kept thinking "it would be so easy just to jump". Of course I wouldn't but man, at times like this i'd rather just not exist.

 

I'm going to see a therapist on monday but I am afraid his/her words won't help. I'm just so afraid of feeling like this forever and never being able to find someone who truly wants to be with me.

 

I am going to stick to NC now. There is no point in contacting her again. I know I said that before, but after last time (which took way too much initiative on my part to even get a response from her) I know that she probably won't respond to a single thing I say.

 

I don't know why I feel this way about this girl. I had to take yesterday off because I was so overwhelmed with emotions and I just so badly want today to end. Just saw her like 10 minutes ago and again my heart just jumped into my throat.

 

I don't know how to deal with this. I know I need to keep NC but after a couple days of not hearing from her I panic and freak out. I don't want her to be over me. I don't want her to see her life without me in it. I don't want to be some footnote in her life. That guy she was 'kinda' seeing before she met her boyfriend.

 

I'm afraid that when she talks to some future boyfriend (i doubt she'll be with this new guy forever) I won't be counted among her past boyfriends. I'll be a notch in her bed post and that's all.

 

I know we can't ever be friends again, even after I get over this. I'll start to develop feeling for her again. At the same time, I don't know how to go the rest o fmy life without her in it; even in a limited capacity.

 

I'm insane...I know it. I need to find someone who loves me for me and wants to be with me but I haven't met a single person like that and that's the biggest fear I have right now. The one thing that is truly holding me back from healing over this. I am a shy guy and I just can't bring myself to hit on girls at bars. That's not where I want to meet girls but I don't have many other avenues.

 

I'm just afraid of being alone forever and there is no one on this planet psychic enough to tell me if and when i will find someone to be with. I keep losing girls like this and I don't want to go through it again.

 

I just hate this.

[deavyin]

as for the job thing, it's more selfish than me just wanting to be the "good guy". I can't leave this job. I'm still working on my degree per some stupid stuff in the past (with my big ex) and so I don't have a lot of job mobility in this current market. Believe me, if I could get out I would...100 percent. I can't stand being in the office near her it is making me so incredibly depressed. Just knowing that she is 30 seconds away from me and that I am going to see her at least once a day kills me. Just seeing her car parked in the lot drives me insane.

 

She isn't exactly the most motivated girl. I know exactly how much she makes (she told me) and it's laughable. She has a great degree from a very good school and is doing nothing with it. She lives in the same are she grew up in and, even though she told me she wants to move elsewhere, she has done nothing about it. The guy she left me for lives an hour away near the city where all the jobs she SHOULD be doing are located.

 

I want her out of here. My life would be so much easier if this was like any other normal break up where I would never have to see her again. I offered her help because of that. She turned me down saying she wanted to stick it out here. If things don't work out here for her, i'm more than willing to help pass her resume along for the sole purpose of getting her out of here so I can move on with my life. Sure, there is the added benefit of being the 'good guy' but that won't bring her back. It honestly doesn't matter and i'm sure in the future would just make me feel better about myself and that's a good thing.

 

In reality..I just want her gone. As much as I miss her and hate what she is doing, my life would be so very much easier if I never had to see her again. That is my motivation for being willing to help. I didn't tell her I heard about her group and I didn't tell her I was willing to still help. If she asks, i'll definitely help her because it's a win win for me.

[WeightOffChest]

You know what the problem is. It's not so much this ex that you have.

 

It's feelings of low self worth that are bringing you down. Now, I'm just a guy on a forum that is saying this based on what you've posted, but you are feeling miserable because you do not feel WORTHY to meet anyone else. Being with this girl (even though it was a short amount of time) has made you place your value in her. Now that she's rejected you because of your low perceived worth, you've lowered your value even more because you put all your eggs in her basket.

 

You need to realize there's more to having someone to like you. There's more to it than just going to the gym, slimming down and getting fit. There's more to it than finishing your degree and increasing your salary. There's more to your identity than your job/ex/money/sex. You have not taken the correct steps to find your actual self-worth. You need to become self-actualized in order to realize that this ex is not the issue here. It's all about you.

 

Don't do NC anymore. The focus of NC has become on her. You shouldn't even worry about contacting her because you should realize that the problems lie on YOUR side. It's all about YOU. You may miss her and feel miserable. But think for a moment and realize that you aren't happy with yourself in the first place. She just happens to be convenient figure for that unhappiness. Once you learn to be happy by yourself, only then you'll be ready to make other people happy. Become self-actualized. You have to go ahead and DO it.

[deavyin]

Here is the ironic and sad part (just saw her again and she looked right at me, i just looked away). I told her all this flowery stupid stuff.

 

That I still haven't slept in my own bed since she left (true) and that I haven't washed her pillow so I could clutch it at night and think of her (true) and that the smell is fading from it which makes me sad since it's the last piece I have of her.

 

That I can still see us together even if it's 2 years down the road from now. That i'll always carry a piece of her in my heart and that i'm always here in case she changes her mind and wants to talk about reconciliation. That she is the most amazingly beautiful girl i've ever met and she has so much strength and light. That I only want her happiness even if I can't give it to her and I hope in the deepest of my hear that she is truly happy.

 

All this lovey dovey nonsense that just makes me seem weak and pathetic.

 

Here is the kicker, a few months from now if she contacts me again, I know what she'll say and I know how i'll respond.

 

Here is how the convo would go via text (most likely)

 

her: hey, how you doing, haven't spoken in a while

me: good, thanks for asking

her: miss talking to you, you want to go out and grab a beer sometime and catch up

me: I think i'm going to pass, thanks for the invite.

 

 

I know that i'll never allow myself to get close to her again. My big ex tried that crap. She asked me out for beers or, when she found out we were going to the same party/reunion/wedding, she would contact me and say she was looking forward to seeing me. I was over her by the time all three of those things happened (all within the same year and recently too) and I didn't go to any of them. I just didn't want to be around her anymore. This was a girl I told the same things to.

 

I don't know what it is with me. When I go through this stuff initially I can't imagine being without them and do all this stupid begging and pleading nonsense. I do eventually get over them and then I am totally fine with never seeing them again and I go out of my way not to ever run into them again.

 

She probably has it in her mind that i'm some back burner guy because of all the stuff I said. I'm not, that's the weird thing. I know it's over for good and I wouldn't take her back now if she even tried...not that I wouldn't like it if she did.

[deavyin]

You are absolutely right. I have always had low self worth and i've always been a quitter. My entire life I was worried about what people think of me. Let me break down the many ways:

 

I am a bastard son and my step dad (who married my mom when I was 4) never bothered to adopt me. I just assumed his last name. He has never been a real father to me because he had two children of his own with my mother and he has given them EVERYTHING. I had to pay for my first car when i was 16 and my own insurance. They forced me to get a job when i was 15 1/2 while my younger brother and sister have yet to have real jobs and they are 24 and 22 respectively. They bought them their first cars, pay their insurance, put them through college (my parents never had money for me to go to college, i had to pay my own way) and they even give them huge allowances of close to 1k a month (i never got an allowance).

 

I grew up in a bad area of san jose ca and it was one of the worst school districts in america. My family moved to the DC area when I was a sophmore in hs and I went from being one of the most popular guys to a total social outcast. I even had to repeat classes I had passed in CA because the school standards were lower. I struggled real hard to be even a C student and my parents never helped me. I'd ask for help on math or science and they'd say "i'm not good at that kind of stuff". I wasn't doing well and they saw it in my report cards but just told me (seriously) "well, looks like are just a C student". My step dad even named his first son (my younger brother) after him. I didn't even bother to take the SAT's after highschool because I was so convinced there wasn't a college in the world that would take me. My parents response? join the military. I'm not an idiot...i'm actually very smart I just needed a push in the right direction. I did end up joining the Navy and was kicked out a few weeks later for having an astigmatism.

 

I missed out on college life (have only gone to community colleges) and never made that group of friends or experienced those things. All of my friends are people I knew from highschool or people my hs friends met while THEY were in college.

 

I know a lot of why my step dad and i are not close comes from my father. My mom said that he is the only man in her life who has truly broken her heart. When he left (i was 2) my mom didn't even bother to go after child support it was so bad. My step-dad was in the picture and both my parents refuse to even talk to me about him. I only know that he lives in the midwest and has remarried...i've seen one single picture of him and my mom ALWAYS cuts him down whenever I bring him up. My step-dad never did anything with me. No father son trips, no birds and bees talks, nothing a normal father would do with his son. My older brother (from the guy my mom married before she was with my dad) was never an older brother to me. He was into drugs and gangs and stuff growing up and resented me because i wouldn't join in his life style and preferred video games and sports. He grew distant from me and was never there as a role model (nor was he a good role model) so I never had someone to teach me how to be a man. He has been trying to make it up to me for years since he put that life behind him but things will never be right between us. I lived with him for 1.5 years after my big break up and he tried to force the brotherly bond between us but it just wasn't there for me. I have too much resentment towards him from my childhood. Too many horrible things he said and did.

 

I got into that abusive relationship when i was 20 years old and we lasted for 5 years. I was a very happy and boisterous person when we got together. She did so much horrible stuff to me over those 5 years that it completely changed my personality. It got to the point where I would stutter (i never did in the past) because i was afraid of her cutting me down and saying what I thought was stupid. I was afraid to speak around her because she would criticize everything i said. I would get so upset with myself for not being able to come up with a word I wanted to say that I would just cut sentences off mid stream and she would call me an idiot because I don't even know how to speak english. It was all because of how stupid she made me feel. Every time we argued she would scream and yell at me about how much of an idiot I was and I would always break down and sob and cry and feel so miserable. She'd apologize and swear she would never do it again until the VERY NEXT TIME we argued and she would bring it all back up again. She knew exactly how to push my buttons and did it ALL THE TIME. I loved her through it all like some pathetic clinger and i wanted to so badly make her love me. She said she loved me but I never really think she did. I don't know how to get back to the person I was before her. She made me feel so little for so very long. It got to the point where I would be upset if she talked to me in public because i was afraid that everyone was listening in on our conversation and judging me. I'm still not comfortable in large crowds among people I don't know. I get so nervous when i'm meeting new people that I end up making a fool out of myself or giving off a very bad first impression as someone who is rude or standoffish when in reality I desperately want a large group of friends and to be accepted.

 

I am deathly shy of girls (i have female friends and I can get into conversations with girls if they initiate but god knows I can't). I have to be extremely drunk in order to talk to a random girl at a bar. I'm a good looking guy (according to some extremely good looking) so I have actually had girls hit on me in the past. Even then I act like an aloof fool. I know girls want guys who are assertive and confident but I don't know how to be that.

 

I think this is why I am really upset over this girl. I did put all my eggs in her basket. I don't think she left me because of any of this stuff. When i'm with a girl who I like and we have already broken the ice i'm pretty cool and composed. This girl did like spending time with me or she wouldn't have spent nearly everyday with me for 3 months doing all that we did. She left because she found someone else that she liked better. It's as simple as that. I should be able to get over it but it just brings up my big ex leaving me for my best friend (who seriously is a sociopath and doesn't care about anyone) and it makes me afraid that no girl will be able to see through to who I really am which is a very loving, kind, affectionate and dedicated man.

 

So yeah, I have some extremely low self worth.

[deavyin]

Doesn't help that my string of past 'relationships' have been a total abject failure.

 

First there was J who I met in CA while living there. Went back to her place for one night and made out with her only to find out half way through she had a boyfriend.

 

Then then was J2 that I met through friends. She told me she was interested in me and a couple guys she was meeting up with from a dating website. She chose one of the other guys and over a year later they are still together (we are friends).

 

Then there was C who I met from a dating site. She pushed me to meet her in person as I had reservations about the whole online thing. We dated for 2 months but she would constantly flake on me whenever we made plans. Finally she called one day and said we wanted different things and the fact that we lived like an hour away was pretty much a long distance relationship.

 

that's pretty much it. There was my big ex who I was with for 5 years and this girl. The only two girls I have ever "been with".

[GrowingIn]

Deavin, I didn't want to say it but I had a feeling the whole father thing was behind it all. I am in the same boat. My parents were divorced young and my father was never there for me. Listen, it is not your fault. There is nothing you can do about the simple fact you never had a much needed role model in your life to teach you the proper way to deal with women. The only choice you have is trial and error. I am in the same boat and that's the realization I came to a long time ago. The only answer is re-raising yourself. Your mother, like mine, probably taught you to be nice, respectful and treat women like gold "because this is what women want". I love my mother to death, but I also know now, that is not entirely true, that is not even what she is attracted to, even though it may be what she wanted to see from the men she was with. Fact is, if she had that she probably wouldn't have felt attraction for them. She couldn't teach me that, because honestly, I don't even think she understands that. I have however stopped blaming her for it and came to the realization there is no way I could have learned what I needed from her.

 

You also have a tendency to mirror the woman you are with and play the opposing role so you are always reacting instead of acting. Again, this is why you fail. The number one reason.

 

At some point, what you have to do is throw out all the beliefs you taught by your mother when it comes to being with women. Not when it comes to being a person. But when it comes to being with women. Then like I have tried telling you before, experiment and do your best. Another problem that will arise is this. There were some good sides to your father, whether you saw them or not, whether your mother wants to admit it or not. But because of what he did your mother cut him down and she will probably never admit it. Unfortunately you have his blood, and you have his genes. Your mind knows this, and because of the picture your mother painted, there is a part of you that you detest, because you were brought up to detest this part of you.

 

You need to accept that. There is NOTHING you can do about that. It is what it is, and you are not all good and great. You have your good and you certainly have your bad, and you need to understand you are not entirely a "nice guy". You are fooling yourself and all you are doing is playing the victim which is very unattractive to women. You are manipulative sometimes without realizing because that's what you were taught. That is NOT nice. That's a woman's defense mechanism, and that's the only one you have learned. You have to begin to identify this in yourself, and replace it by re-raising yourself.

 

Remember what I said awhile back about you needing to find a group of guys, finding your pack? That's your first step before you should ever consider getting into a serious relationship again.

[deavyin]

... i want love.

[GrowingIn]

... i want love.

 

Not just love, but unconditional love. Which you will NEVER, ever find from a woman that is not your mother and sometimes not even there. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you stop looking for that, the sooner things will get better.

 

Stop looking for that, because it does not exist. That's what that whole loving yourself is about.

[replytome]

I'm sorry to hear all this my man...I had a pretty * * * * ty childhood as well, getting beaten from all sides, dad, grandfather etc. Both parents cheated loads, some of which I witnessed. My father has been an alcoholic since I was born and he would beat me, my sister and my mother...even his own parents. Lately even, for the past few years I've had to protect my grandmother from emotional and physical abuse, standing in between taking the hits so that my grandmother wouldn't get hurt. Thankfully she died about a month and a half ago, a day before my ex broke up.

 

But here we are, crippled cos of immature people trying to play house. I realised that getting dumped and all that was not the major issue. It happening just increased the symptoms of the crappy childhood, and therefore I am looking to fix that crap first, and establish myself as an individual and as an adult. Figuratively escape from the misery of my childhood and leave it behind to become a healthy individual with ties to no one, so that I can eventually create new ties to positive people that I choose. I am not doing this through therapy. I am doing it ALL through determination.

 

I understand you're having a hard time and in a practical sense I can't help you even though I really want to. But please believe in yourself, I think your mother is behaving in a bad way if I may say so. She should not accept you being the ugly duckling because you're not. You should talk to her about it, and if she won't listen she's not worth it.

 

I've given my parents a chance. My grandfather apologized to me already. I've told my parents that I expect them to really think about what they did and see it from the perspective of a child without justifying any of it from their angle. (btw, it was my mother who used my grandfather to force me and my sis to move in with her new boyfriend who she had gotten pregnant with. We had no idea she was pregnant lol.) And after they've thought about it, I expect them to sincerely apologize to me. I didn't tell them that I expect an apology, because that would make it insincere.

 

Maybe I rambled a bit, im sorry. I hope at least I helped a tiny bit? much love

[deavyin]

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood, that is terrible. I never faced physical abuse at all. My mom spanked us when we were kids but it didn't last long. She couldn't bring herself to use physical violence against us so she stopped when we were young and neither of them raised a finger to us. I was just neglected as the bastard middle child and never had a proper role model and that is why i'm always the 'nice guy'.

 

It happened again this weekend. The story of my life. I was out with some friends. A girl he has been going after (she's not interested in him we found out) was there and brought some of her friends along. They were amazingly beautiful girls. 2 asians, a blond, a black girl and a brunette. Each one could have been a model. They were fun girls but obviously very high maintanance. We hung out from 7 until 2:30 in the morning. We had a really good time and they were nice girls to hang out with. At 2:30 I went into the bathroom and when I got out they were gone. My friend comes up to me and says "where were you? they were looking for you to say goodbye...they are right outside, go say goodbye to them". I went out side and when they saw me they said "DEAVYIN!!! we missed you, we looked for you to say goodbye". So, I hugged them all and we talked for a minute. The brunette girl asked me to save her friend who was being hit on by this big drunked black guy. I walked up and peeled her away. The brunette comes up to me again and said "I want to give you my number so we can hang out again sometime, tonight was fun". She types my number in her phone and calls me so that I have her number. Irony is, she has the same first name as my coworker ex. God, talk about luck right? So, I think "awesome, this is going well and this girl seems interested in me". Then she says the one thing I always hear but never want to. "you are a really nice guy and trust me: nice guys are hard to find".

 

God, the death of that. The next day my friends and I were planning on going to a fair. They convince me to call her and invite her along. I call her and she doesn't pick up. I leave a nice voicemail message saying "last night was fun, man those adios drinks did a number on me. We should hang out again...give me a call sometime". This was saturday...it's now monday. No call, won't hear from her again. This happens so often to me. The entire night they were prattling on about these jerk guys they date or are interested in and how they are always hot and cold and fooling with them. They meet a 'nice guy' like me and there is no spark for them. I don't know how to be one of those annoying preppy white guys who treat girls like * * * * . They obviously have a better time of things since these girls wouldn't shut up about them.

 

I'm not all super depressed about them at all. They were very high maintenance girls and that's not my type. It's one thing I liked about my ex. She was the girl next door type. Liked going out to dive bars and watching sports (a lot) and hanging with the guys (she has mostly guy friends).

 

Having this happen just brings up the whole break up for me. She liked me at first for whatever reason but when she realized I was a 'nice guy' she wasn't able to feel a spark for me. This immature dude who acts like a fool in public comes along and he sweeps her off her feet even if he's not her type and probably won't be good for her in the long run. She even told me "you're the model of the perfect boyfriend and you are an amazing guy". It's female code for "you are a 'nice guy' and that makes you uninteresting".

 

I am going to leave in 30 minutes for my therapist appointment. I hope he/she has something decent to say to me. I'm going to bring this all up. This break up, the big ex and all my childhood inadequacies. I need to know what to do in order to be a complete person again.

[deavyin]

I broke NC again last night. She didn't respond and won't ever again so I don't even know if it counts as breaking NC. It was just me looking even more clingy and crazy in her eyes.

 

I was feeling down yesterday...really down after the events on friday. I had way too much to drink and was just lying in bed all day watching romantic tv shows and movies. Around 10 at night I sent her a text saying that she had until midnight to change her mind about us. That she was making a mistake and if I don't hear from her by midnight, which i didn't expect to, then should wouldn't hear from me again because I need to move on with my life. I said she wouldn't ever talk to me, get a text or email and if she ever contacted me I would just ignore it.

 

Of course midnight came and went and there was no reply. Don't know why I was stupid enough to think i'd get one. I need to stop drinking. I don't drink everyday since it interferes with working out and getting in shape but when I have a horrible day like yesterday I just can't help myself. It was 3 in the afternoon and I was just staring at the clock thinking "oh my god, this day will never end". I felt so incredibly miserable thinking how she was probably out there with him happy. I started to drink. At first it made me feel better. I was able to listen to music, play guitar and stop moping around. Then you get to that point where you are definitely drunk and you start to get sad. Then you get reaaaaaal sad. Then you stupidly check her facebook page and you just start to spiral. Then the NC starts to wear on you and you text her, then again, then again just hoping to get a reply but in reality all you are doing is making yourself look crazy.

 

15 minutes until I can head out of here. I need to see this professional and talk to him/her. I need some help in getting over this and moving on. I'm sure this person is going to be like "oh god, another guy who can't get over a girl..." I can't get over her. I knew from the moment i saw her that she was who I wanted to be with.

 

This truly sucks. I'm moving on though. I accepted that it's over..I just have so many issues I need to work on. My life is truly a greek tragedy.

 

I want love in the sense that I want someone who feels a spark for me. Someone who thinks, even for a while, "wow this guy is really interesting..I can see this going somewhere". I'm tired of getting chances from girls and then coming up short while some other guy get's exactly what I want. It's like I exhude the aroma of the 'nice guy' and girls can sense it. Maybe it's a chemical thing. I have a chemical imbalance which means that I have more estrogen and less testosterone than a normal guy. I was diagnosed when I was a kid. Maybe the pheremones I excrete are all out of whack and girls aren't picking up on them. Attraction is a chemical process.

 

There was an interesting study I read. They got a bunch of single guys and girls in a room and monitored them. They saw that people with similar pheremone types would naturally pair up. They had heart rate monitors on everyone and found that people who were interested in one another would subconsciously sync their heart beats with one another while talking.

 

I'm sure i'd be the outlier in that experiment. If they could see the pheremones people put out in color everyone's would be pink while mine would be this black fog. Girls check me out from a distance but when i approach them they get turned off.

 

My life is a f'ing greek tragedy. I jumped a fence at the fair on friday, slipped and scraped my arm. A couple people at work already think i'm cutting myself. I am so not cutting myself. It's annoying.

[Eocsor]

Dude, time to pull yourself out of the gutter. You are on a massive pitty party here. Get over it. Man up dude. Slap yourself accross the face and wake up. If you want to wallow in this the rest of your life yopu are welcome to it. But if you actually want to live life again someday, you better snap out of it.

 

A lot of us have crappy childhoods and have been dumped. It's not an excuse to wallow in self loathing and depression. I get that you are hurt. But stop with this. Maybe if you stopped talking about her so much it would allow you to move on quicker.

[deavyin]

I wish it was that easy. I'm not wired that way.

 

I just got out of the first session with my therapist. He basically asked me questions the whole time pretty much about my entire life. In the end he said that he definitely thinks I have a chemical imbalance and might even be a little bi-polar (my older brother is diagnosed bi-polar and he's a bit crazy).

 

He said that he wants me to do regular weekly psychotherapy and medication to help stabalize my mood. He said he can tell I have an imbalance because of the way I tend to ramble on, the way my voice cracks, my tourette syndrome, ocd (very mild case) and my history of panic attacks. He also thinks I have depression which makes sense too. He referenced my low self worth, obsessive thought patterns and inability to get over a relationship that lasted on 3 months and the fact that I'm still very much depressed over it.

 

He said I wasn't crazy, just troubled and he thinks he can help me. I guess this is what I should have been doing for all this time. Unfortunately, I can't get in to see him again for 3 weeks. They told me to call on thursday since he'll probably have some cancellations by then so I can get in sooner. He wants to start seeing me every week. I think I could use that. I know I need to get on medication. As everyone here can see i'm a pretty neurotic guy on the outside. It's weird though...most people wouldn't know it by my appearance. I only ramble on about this stuff to my close friends and family. To everyone else I seem pretty meek and quiet all the time.

 

I just hope this is the path to becoming a better person and getting over this girl because I don't know how else to do it.

[FreedomRing]

I just wanted to say that it takes a very BRAVE person to recognize the help they need, gather resources, and then actually GO.

 

My background is in counseling and personally, I have sought counseling off/on for the last 10 years(I will be 30 in a couple of months). I can honestly and safely say that is has been the most scariest, thought-provoking, soul-searching, nerve wrecking, and rewarding experience in my life. Counseling has got me through a couple long-term relationships break ups, major career decisions, and also allowed me to explore how my upbringing has shaped me into the person I am today(also a bit neurotic).

 

It takes a lot of courage to begin the journey you're about to settle in for, and based on your childhood and adult life thus far, I think with the right counselor(hopefully it's this guy) you will have the tools you need to not only get over this break up, but that you'll also benefit from in your everyday life, and even on to the next relationship.

 

There may be times when you will question the process, but I guarantee you it's a step in the right direction

[deavyin]

I truly hope it's a step in the right direction because right now I don't know what else to do. I sought out counceling after my big break up where my ex of 5 years left me for my best friend. That guy just kept saying "they have no integrity and she'll come running back". It filled me with stupid false hope and didn't help me get over the relationship at all. She never ended up coming back to me and we don't even like each other very much anymore.

 

With this guy I made sure to not just bring up the relationship but the underlying issues I have. I hope that he can help me work through the issues I have because I am a very troubled person and I don't like feeling this way. i want to get over this girl and I don't know how else to do it because it's not getting any easier and it's been 2 months now since we broke up.

[GrowingIn]

I don't know Deavin. I really don't know if that's your answer. I think you are putting yourself there because you are refusing to exercise any self control over your thoughts, are being self-defeating and are in essence making your own prophecy come true. I just don't know if that's going to help you in the long run.

 

I'd like to scream out JUST STOP man, but I don't know if that's going to work anymore. You are about as stubborn as I am. Maybe more so. To your OWN detriment. I just have one question: Do you really want to convince us all that you are that weak? Because you are succeeding and I am starting to believe it.

 

My concern is are you sure this isn't going to happen in the future if you are ever down again which will make you feel even worse: "I am so messed up I even had to have therapy for years and years and that didn't even work. I am hopeless". And my other question is if you ever meet a girl that you wanna try to make a go with it again are you going to have a problem with explaining this: "a 3 month fling put me into long term therapy". Because I promise you some women will not wanna have much to do with you, even if you tell them "you are better".

 

But if you REALLY have come to the realization that you need professional help, then I don't want to scare you out of it. Just make sure it really is something you should be doing and it won't be something that will be no different than ENA. A place that has clearly become counter productive and is keeping you still. At some point, you have to STOP talking about your problems to get better. The more you discuss them the more you will drag yourself down.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm glad to hear that you went to the therapy appointment, D. I think it will really help you. I'm no therapist or psychiatrist, but I think working with a professional on your low self-esteem and your obsessive thoughts will help a LOT.

 

I know it's not easy to just "man up" -- I'm a woman, and I have a hard time "womaning up" in situations like this, too. I know what I SHOULD do, I know what's best for me, but...it's hard to do those things when your emotions are in control of your brain. This is where therapy -- and possibly medications -- might be of help to you. While meds don't cure anything, they CAN, depending on the individual, help with the obsessive thoughts, the negative "script" that goes through your head. I've never taken them myself, but I know many people who have and have found them very helpful. You don't just need meds, though. All the meds in the world won't change your opinion of yourself, the "story" that you've made up about yourself and your life -- the whole "Greek tragedy" thing that you have yourself so convinced of. I'm not trying to be hard on you, and I hope you won't take it that way, but... A LOT of what you think about yourself and your life is not objectively true AT ALL. We all make up stories about ourselves, about other people, about our lives -- whether because we are in denial, we want to protect ourselves from hurt (so we tell ourselves things like "some people just aren't meant to be with anyone, and I'm one of those people") or because trying to improve our situation through effort seems such a daunting task (so we tell ourselves things like "my life is a Greek tragedy" and give ourselves permission to throw up our hands and say "There's nothing I can do" -- another lie.) I think FEAR is the biggest reason we make these stories up -- fear of rejection, fear of stepping outside of our comfort zones, fear of change, fear of letting go, whatever. I hope that therapy will help you to address those stories you have made up about yourself and help you to start acting in ways that PROVE that the stories aren't true. You are SO hard on yourself -- much harder than you are on others. It seems that you give everyone else every break in the world, but you can't give yourself a break at ALL. Feelings are NOT facts -- there's a huge difference -- and often we tell ourselves that something is a fact simply because we feel a certain way -- i.e. "I haven't yet found a relationship, and that makes me feel like a failure, so I must be one." Cognitive distortions.

 

Please, please, PLEASE lay off the alcohol. As you've pointed out, in light of your current fitness goals, it's counterproductive to drink it, just for health reasons (TONS of empty calories -- you'd be better off eating cake!) But, even more than that, it's bad for your mental health -- it's a depressant, as you've found out from your recent exeperience. You start off feeling giddy, and you start to feel better, but once you're really drunk, it's bad news. And, alcohol is very addictive, as you know. I know that there were many times when I wanted to have a couple glasses of wine to take the edge off of my sadness, but I had to remind myself that drinking when I'm feeling down is never a good idea; it's a quick, temporary fix, and the problems that caused the sadness will continue to be there, and eventually it will take more and more alcohol to feel even marginally OK. Given your history that you have talked about -- mild OCD, obsessive thoughts, potential depression -- it's best to steer VERY clear of alcohol altogether, at least at this point in your life.

 

And...no more contacting her, OK? Drunk or otherwise. You've invested way too much of your energy into this already. And, even though my opinion on this received some not-so-positive reviews last time I posted, I stand by my assertion, borrowed from Greg Behrendt: "Always be classy. Never be crazy." I'm NOT saying you're crazy -- just that you need to stop letting her see your emotions, stop reaching out to the very cause of your pain for relief from that pain. You're not going to find it there. She can't give you what you need. You have to heal your own pain, without her. The BEST thing you can do for yourself is to keep out of contact with her, and ONLY address her at work, in a civil manner, when/if it is necessary (which it sounds like it isn't.) The rest of the time, put on your best Oscar-caliber performance at work; be focused on your work, be friendly (but not over-the-top, exaggeratedly friendly) to your co-workers. Laugh if someone says something funny. Smile if someone smiles at you. You may have to do a bit of pretending at first, and it may be hard, but...the result will be a two-fold effect 1) Your co-workers, including your ex, will see that you are handling yourself well and do not need their pity and concern (not that this should be your main concern, but it can't hurt) and 2) Most importantly, YOU will know that you are conducting yourself with dignity and self-respect, and that really goes a long way toward making a person feel better about him or herself. Break down at home if you need to -- God knows I cried like a baby some days when I got home from work after seeing my ex. I cried in the car a lot , too, though I don't recommend this, as excess emotion can interfere with driving ability (I never got in an accident, but I had a few close calls because I was so emotional).

 

Hang in there. I know how hard it is. I am a woman, so it is perhaps slightly different, but...I went through a very similar thing, and I know how heartbreaking it is.

[deavyin]

I think my issue has been that I haven't talked about my problems enough. Not the relationship that ended. What else can I say about that? Together for 3 months, meant nothing to her, left for another guy. It's pretty simple to figure out.

 

My issues are much deeper than that and I don't think ENA is going to be enough to get them out. I have always had issues with self worth and feelings of inadequacy. I always bottle them up but they are there. I got over my big ex but I never was able to change the thought patterns she awoke in me. This idea that i'm stupid and crazy and less than everyone else.

 

This guy is a licensed and trained professional. He knows what he is doing and the best way to help me work through my issues and find some emotional balance. After 2 months it's pretty clear that this break up is hurting me. I have tried to do whatever I can to get over her. I read lots of books, used ENA, started working out and eating better. Did my best to cut out alcohol and go NC (which I have failed at again and again). It's pretty obvious that I need to at least give this a try.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree, D. What you've been doing hasn't been working, BUT...I think that posting here HAS made you really face some of the issues that have lead to your very significant negative response to this breakup. At some point, it stops being about the situation (the break-up) and starts being about stuff within yourself that needs to be faced.

 

I agree also that you probably haven't talked about this stuff enough. Sure, you have "talked" about it on ENA, but from what you've said in your posts, you don't talk much to others about your issues. You've talked about the breakup, sure, but I doubt you've really talked in depth with friends and family members about your obsessive thoughts, negative thought patterns, etc. There's no shame or embarassment in seeing a therapist and there's no reason to ever mention seeking therapy to a date/potential partner unless you feel you need to OR that person asks if you have. Nearly everyone I know -- including myself -- has seen one at one time or another. Therapy didn't "cure" my feelings about my break-up, but what it DID do was help me to recognize how my thinking was keeping me down far much more so than the break-up itself was. The break-up and its aftermath was just another convenient scapegoat for my negative feelings about myself which had been percolating for YEARS before I ever set eyes on my ex.

 

And, as you said, it can't hurt. Unless the guy is completely inexperienced and/or unprofessional, and it sounds as if this is not the case, it can't hurt to attend a few sessions and come up with a plan for treatment and see how it goes. I hope it helps you.

[deavyin]

You are absolutely right. The break up isn't the core issue here. Yes, I did fall for her and I did see a future for us. That had nothing to do with my core issues. I have met plenty of girls between my big ex and this girl and I have not truly clicked with any of them.

 

However, the reason i can't let go has a lot to do with my issues. In my entire life I have felt inadequate and I have a quitters mentality. This idea that i'm just not good enough, deserving enough or that the world has it out for me. It's been that way my entire life and i'm always afraid that I don't measure up to everyone else's perfect lives. Sometimes I don't even try because I have this idea in my head already that i'm going to fail.

 

These issues have nothing to do with the break up but they were brought out BY the break up. She left me for another guy and so of course I thought "no one is going to love me. I can't hold onto a girl since they all leave me for other guys...there must be something wrong with me". It's hard to be objective and say "there is nothing wrong with you...she didn't click with you the way you did with h er and the way a girl in the future will". For whatever reason, she didn't like my personality type. When she was with me it wasn't as fun for her as it was for me. That doesn't mean that someone out there won't love me for who i am, what I believe in and the things i do/say. It just obviously won't be this girl. It's hard and sad but it's the truth. I just need professional help getting over the obsessive thoughts and constant over analyzing of things.

 

I can accept that it's over, that we'll never be together again and that we'll probably never speak to one another again. I still can't stop obsessing about her and hoping and praying that she'll change her mind. The reason I can't do that is because without hope for us getting back together I have this mentality that she was my last true shot at finding someone...that i will seriously be alone for a very long time and that scares me. My entire life i've felt second best. To my brothers, my parents, my friends. I've always had an inferiority complex because everyone else seems to handle themselves so much better than me.

 

I don't think that is something I can just get over on my own. Medication won't help with that either (though i do want to try medication to help with my anxiety/panic attacks and obsessive thinking). i do think I need someone to talk my issues out with.

 

You are also right that I don't talk about this stuff with people. My friends don't want to hear about all my insecurities and I don't want to burden them with them. My family is extremely defensive. The therapist asked me one eye opening question today. He asked: are you close with anyone in your family. The answer is no...not at all.

 

I don't remember if I have ever just called up my mom to chit chat. My younger brother and sister never invite me out with their friends and neither of them have ever come over to my place(s) to hang out even though I have lived less than 10 minutes from them at various times. I can't bring up these issues with them or they just defensive and try to make me out as the bad guy.

 

Also, they are liars. They don't want me to know that my brother and sister got everything while I got nothing. I'm not saying I was starved or anything but I was forced to get my first job at 15. I had to buy my first car at 16 and pay my own insurance. Even during highschool, if I were to quit a job i'd get in trouble. At one point, during highschool (when I should be going to school, studying and hanging out with friends) my parents suspended my license for 6 months because I quit my job at blockbuster and refused to get another one.

 

I never got an allowance from them and they never paid for anything other than the bare necessities for me. They had 0 money saved up for my college so I had to pay for all the classes I took on my own.

 

My brother and sister have never had jobs. They both had suv's bought for them, my parents pay for their insurance and schooling/lodging and give them huge allowances of money each month. Their excuse for this: we have more money now than we did then. None of their new money has ever trickled down tome.

 

In fact, when i was with my big ex, we went 6k in debt because she had to buy EVERYTHING on credit. I had to go to my parents to get the money for it. They made me pay them back, via bi-monthly direct deposit, WITH interest. My own parents made me pay interest.

 

things like that are reasons why i can't go to them and reasons why we aren't close.

 

i was living in ca with my older brother for 1.5 years. Our parents sent us a box of all our important paperwork. I guess my step dad didn't realize it at the time but he sent a couple things he really shouldn't have. My parents had journals for both of us for our entire lives whilst uder their room in which they documented every single negative thing we ever did no matter how petty. They dated each entry and there were hundreds for both of us. It was a pretty messed up thing to read...it really affected my brother.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I hate to bump an old thread, but I wanted to see how the resolution finally went, if there was any? Do you still work together, did one of you finally cave in and leave? I'm curious because I'm currently going through a lot of the exact same stuff. Sometimes reading your posts sounded like I was reading my own! I wonder what your perspective is now on this, that time has passed?

 

My thread is here for reference: