How do you stop being needy?

[OhJeeeez]

I've been needy the majority of my life. When I am with someone, I feel I always need to be with them. I've been dating this one girl for over a month and it seems I just can't get enough of her. I've been staying the night there alot lately. Seems when I dont, I am sort of depressed about it all. We both love cuddling and falling asleep together, but she doesnt want me there all the time Im sure.

 

I find my self going over there and just waiting to see if she gives a hint that she wants me to stay. I also sit by my email all day, just waiting to hear from her. This is all driving me crazy.

 

She is a wonderfull woman, but is too scared right now to commit to even being a girlfriend, even though we already act like we are. We both want to be in love but have both been hurt.

 

How can I stop being so needy before I screw things up. The chemistry between us is absolutly amazing, thats why things have moved so quick. I just don't want to ruin it by wanting too much.

 

All my good friends have either left for Iraq in the last month, or are married and just don't have time to ever hang out. Going to hte bar by myself isn't very fun. I also am staying with relatives, so its hard to go home and just veg.

[Cecelius]

I think you become un-needy by focusing on yourself. At the moment, you probably need some hobbies to keep you occupied (fitness or otherwise), to take a BIG step back in terms of your contact with her -- it will only drive her away in the long run.

 

Figure out what you like to do, and do some of that. Figure out what is good for you to do, and do some of that. Then spend some time with her.

[Roffler]

It won't drive -every- girl away, but most women want to know that you are confident in yourself. They want you to want them but not need them. As soon as you cross into the need stage, you start pushing people away.

[dreynolds]

Ya, it's hard to say what yo uhave to do - all I know is that it's hard as hell!

 

I'm 30, don't consider myself 'needy' - but when it comes to certain women I meet, I feel exactly the way you do. The last girl I was "friends" with - we spent all our free time together pretty much. We would spend entire weekends with each other, as soon as I would leave her house she would call to say hi...i smiled because I loved the closeness - the attention.

 

There was never any physical stuff between us - and I saw signs all through tthe few months that we spent time together that the ex was still always in the picture. Finally, I said goodbye - because I didn't really trust her as a friend at all.

 

Our chemistry - amazing otherwise! It has been 10 years since I met a woman I wanted to be around that much. When I told her I wanted more, before we parted ways - she told me she wishes she felt more, but that feeling just wasn't there...so I walked away.

 

It's been over 3 weeks now - I still hurt...and she was only really ever a 'friend'.

 

I think getting involved in things is important - and in time - things do get better. I'm much better now than I was 3 weeks ago...i try to keep busy - but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't htink abou ther - check my phoen to see if she called - or watch my email thinking she'll write and say "I miss you - i don't want this".

[OhJeeeez]

Well, I hope it doesnt come to that. But I feel like I am getting closer to her than she is to me. We both want the same things, she's even told thats what she wants, but when the subject even remotely comes up, she starts freaking out. So in turn, it freaks me out, defences start coming up and I back off too far.

 

Like two nights ago, things we amazing, I was on my way over there and she called to tell me to hurry up because she missed me. I teased her all night once I got there, we had some amazing sex, I spent the night. The next day, we went to lunch, the she brought up the subject of being scared, we talked a bit, blah, blah. When I drpped her off, I offered to cook her dinner because she was so wore out. So last night, I made her dinner, we watched a movie and them bam, she practically asked me to go home. I havent heard from her since then. It's actually making me want to just throw in the towel cause this is causing me way to much stress.

 

Life can be so crazy, lol.

[Jabe]

man, I know exactly how you feel. It's happening to me right now. I have lots of friends and hobbies, but when I'm not tiwth my girl, I'm not in the mood to do anything. Sorry I can't help you out, cuz I have yet to find a solution.

[Paradise]

When you ever feel as though you are not getting what you need, you are ALWAYS looking in the wrong direction. Everything you need in life and love are available to you, you just have to have the courage to clarity to go get it. Understand your souls desire and maintain a balance of support, from friends, to family, to peers, to dependants, to spirituality, to fun, to relationships and to yourself. If you are not taking time to honor each of these areas of support, you will always find yourself 'needy'.

 

All my best,

T.

[Francis]

I have never heard one of my girlfriends complain that their man is too "needy". They complain their man is too independent, spends too much time on his own, etc.

 

I don't think this quality or 'defect' of yours would be detrimental in a serious relationship. However, here, perhaps you are getting attached too fast, without knowing her very well.

 

May be she has other issues you are not aware of. You should talk with her and find out. Now, since she has asked you to leave and has not called you yet, perhaps you should remain silent until she contacts you. You want to make sure that she really likes you and that you are not a passing relationship.

 

If she calls you back, then you should go out and have fun. However, keep your distances this time, don't be available all the time.

 

As to getting too much stress, every relationship will give you stress in the beginning. The only solution would be to avoid any relationship at all and I don't think you'd rather spend all your life on your own.

 

The best thing to do, before dating, is to get to know the person very well on a friendly basis. That way you will avoid attaching to the wrong person.

 

Take care!

[clairelouise11]

i was just going to start a new post similar to this

when me and my bf got together it was 'bit of fun' then he told me he loved me (which scared me a bit as the only other relationship i've had there was no spark no sex we were just friends)

he was quite clingy and used to say he missed me all the time and phoned me all the time, stuff like that.

we have now moved in together and the roles have somehow reversed.

he works a lot and i'm left missing him terribly while he's happy doing long hours at work and happy doing stuff without me

last weekend i cried as i hardly saw him. i don't have many friends but i don't seem to want them as when people ask me out i make excuses then i sit feeling sorry for myself!

i'm trying to find a saturday job as maybe that will help me meet some new people and give me something of my own to get my teeth into but i feel up and down all the time at the mo

all i think about is him and time seems to drag when he's not around and i can't seem to relax either, i don't tell him i feel like this as i feel stupid and embarrassed for feeling it!

i used to be such a strong and independent person and never imagined depending on someone like this! how do i get this back? or am i doomed to the prison of love forever!!!!!!

[Draezn]

clairelouse - Wow, I never thought I'd find someone who felt the exact same way as me. I never usually reply to any of these messages, just browse them, but I felt inclined to reply to this one just because it's the exact same way I feel. I mean, I too used to be so independent, had an endless list of friends who I called and hung out with, had my head on straight and never was lonely or bored, even with my ex-girlfriend. But, then, I never really loved my ex-girlfriend like I love this new girl that I met. I'm 22 and she's 27, and we've only been really seeing a lot of each other for 2 months, even though we've known each other for 5 months. Anyways, everything has gone so fast and I've deeply fallen in love with her. But, because she's older than me, I think she has some other focuses on life too. I've never been in love like this and I feel the same way, ignoring friends phone calls, only wanting to be with her, and wishing she was the same way about me. I've told her about this though. But, she's my emotion. When shes around, I'm ecstatic and so happy to be with her and I feel so motivated and like I can conquer anything in the world. When she's gone, I'm not productive at all, I wish she was there, and I can't function at all. I'm stuck in that same prison of love that you're talking about. In fact, just several hours ago I got off the phone with her and I feel horrible now (hence the reason browsing these forums again) because we talked, and we didn't argue at all.. but she told me that she think's I'm too demanding/needy at times, but she loves me a lot. Still hurts me though because I feel like I want so much of her but she doesn't want as much of me and it's hard to take and comprehend.

 

So what's the key out? Well, I don't think it's necessarily a *BAD* thing to be stuck in a love prison. It's a matter of getting out of your cell and being joyfully productive in the prison. After all, after you do your labour and work in the prison, talk to some inmates, you know that you're going to be heading right back to that love cell (no, not with bubba, with your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife) and that you're going to be stuck there for a while again before you get to go out and perform the same routine. In other words, balance I suppose. I'm writing this without actually having done this, but I think it's a good solution because if you're sitting by yourself feeling sorry for yourself, it's just really a waste of time and doesn't do anyone any good. Life's too short.

 

I find that when I sit feeling sorry for myself it's because I feel like my girlfriend is having fun without me and that I'm not important. These feelings reflect on her and it just drags both of us down I think. She's too special and important for me to lose, so, these feelings should be dealt with in a positive way rather than a negative one. Don't know if this helps at all, but I feel the same way you do. Let me know any updates and I'll do the same!

[clairelouise11]

God you ARE feeling the same aren't you!

Thats what i like about this forum, you think you're cracking up with the feelings you have but somewhere there's always someone who's feeling the same and it's soooo comforting!!

This bit you wrote is EXACTLY how i feel a lot of the time too:

 

I find that when I sit feeling sorry for myself it's because I feel like my girlfriend is having fun without me and that I'm not important. These feelings reflect on her and it just drags both of us down I think. She's too special and important for me to lose, so, these feelings should be dealt with in a positive way rather than a negative one.

 

I too feel that when he's not with me he shouldn't be enjoying himself which is ridiculous!! I feel that he should be happiest with me i guess.

Sometimes if he's been out having a good time when he comes home i feel jealous that other people have been making him happy and resent him a bit. I've been working on this though and always try to make sure i'm happy to see him when he gets home as otherwise he'll stop wanting to come home to see me!

It's sooo difficult with all these new feelings but i think if we know that it's normal at least we can accept them and try hard to let our s/o's be as free and to live their life the way they want as they are independent and their own person and need to do their own thing as well as being our s/o.

I will keep certainly keep you updated and let you know of any good ways to deal with all this!

Take Care

Clare