Post-Break Up Facebook Mind games?

[Snowy]

My ex dumped me 3 weeks ago.

 

20 minutes ago, she puts "In A Relationship" on Facebook. It doesn't say who with.

 

But I'm 80% sure she's not in a relationship though. I seriously can't think of anyone she could be in a relationship with lol.

 

Ever since we broke up, she's been posting all sorts of love quotations from songs/internet etc. on her status updates.

 

I haven't been very active on Facebook.

 

My question is - Why is she posting up all these stuff? Why is she trying to play mind games with me?

 

(Btw, I still see her every weekend because we go to the same saturday school + sun tutor. We're still friendly and sit next to each other.)

[annie24]

i think, bottom line, since she dumped you, you should defriend her and stop checking her fb. it's impossible to know if she met some new, if it's a joke status, or if she accidentally updated it. if she dumped you, it's not your business anymore.

[annony]

Dr. Phil once said "You wouldn't care so much about what other people thought of you, if you knew how little they did."

 

Don't assume it's to spite you.

[ForumGuy]

My question is - Why is she posting up all these stuff? Why is she trying to play mind games with me?

To make sure she keeps the upper hand, at least in her mind. Like Annie said, don't play with her.

[maron]

i don't think you're in the phase of your healing that you can handle being her fb friend. i didn't delete my ex from my fb because i don't want to demonstrate to him that i'm still bothered by him, but i'm in control enough of myself to not take a look at his page. i hid him from my newsfeed and i installed site block plug-ins on my browsers so they block his page + our mutual friends' facebook pages. yes, i do not find ways around these blockers and i'll explain why in the next paragraph.

 

as for what will motivate me to not look at his page when i'm away from my own computer, well... the pain, the hurt, and the uncomfortable feelings i felt after the one time i looked at his page are strong enough to keep me on this path. once is enough for me and once is all i needed. i like feeling happy and looking at his page will suck that happiness and positive energy like a black hole does all matter surrounding it (or so in theory).

 

where you are in your healing, i think you should take her off your contacts list, too.

[Snowy]

To make sure she keeps the upper hand, at least in her mind. Like Annie said, don't play with her.

 

I won't play with her lol. I don't even want her back or anything.

 

It's a shame I still have to see her every weekend.

[Snowy]

I'm pretty much healed.

 

I never go on Facebook just to look at her page.

 

I only knew about this today when my friend called me and asked, "Hey Snowy are you back with your ex?" I said "No." and then he told me her Facebook relationship status got changed, and I lol-ed.

[maron]

I'm pretty much healed.

 

I never go on Facebook just to look at her page.

 

I only knew about this today when my friend called me and asked, "Hey Snowy are you back with your ex?" I said "No." and then he told me her Facebook relationship status got changed, and I lol-ed.

that's good!

[AutumnBorn]

Snowy, it doesn't matter or mean anything. Facebook is not a reflection of anybody's life, it's a mask, a tool, nothing more. Chances are, it's the only tool she has to lash out at you.

 

My ex is all happy smiles on his page. I told him I was happy he's so happy. He said it was a mask, that he's depressed as hell. He started therapy last month. Don't trust anything you see or read on FB.

[Snowy]

Snowy, it doesn't matter or mean anything. Facebook is not a reflection of anybody's life, it's a mask, a tool, nothing more. Chances are, it's the only tool she has to lash out at you.

 

My ex is all happy smiles on his page. I told him I was happy he's so happy. He said it was a mask, that he's depressed as hell. He started therapy last month. Don't trust anything you see or read on FB.

 

I agree with you.

 

But I want to know what's behind that mask. How does she actually feel?

[MakeItCount]

Why is it relevant if you don't want her back? move on with your life

[Snowy]

Curiosity, I guess?

[dramallama]

Delete and block her if you are not in a relationship, and you are not her friend. Unless you still care what she thinks of you?

[melibeli]

it's best to detach and de-friend, IMO.

 

i de-friended my ex but someone (not with good intentions, obviously) must have copied-n-pasted my journaling type posts to him. because he emailed me accusing me of slandering him and threatened to do the same to me. he's the one that dumped me out of nowhere. and my posts were only of emo song lyrics that i find healing (like Evanescence) and my own words about my own feelings, not about him or his actions. but some people just can't let go. and some people are "chaos addicts" and like to toy with other's emotions. just my opinion but it feels so GOOD to let go! although it can take weeks or months to feel that freedom.

 

i wonder if breakups are harder after the web started??

[Starrgrl]

Yeah snowy block her. Whether she is trying to play with you or not, it's no longer your concern. You're ABOVE this =) and you are above her innane childish games.

[Snowy]

Delete and block her if you are not in a relationship, and you are not her friend. Unless you still care what she thinks of you?

 

it's best to detach and de-friend, IMO.

 

i de-friended my ex but someone (not with good intentions, obviously) must have copied-n-pasted my journaling type posts to him. because he emailed me accusing me of slandering him and threatened to do the same to me. he's the one that dumped me out of nowhere. and my posts were only of emo song lyrics that i find healing (like Evanescence) and my own words about my own feelings, not about him or his actions. but some people just can't let go. and some people are "chaos addicts" and like to toy with other's emotions. just my opinion but it feels so GOOD to let go! although it can take weeks or months to feel that freedom.

 

i wonder if breakups are harder after the web started??

 

Yeah snowy block her. Whether she is trying to play with you or not, it's no longer your concern. You're ABOVE this =) and you are above her innane childish games.

 

Yeah I would totally block her if I don't have to see her every single week.

 

But since we have class every Saturday and we sit next to each other, blocking her is gonna make things heaps AWKWARD...

 

We're still kinda friends but we never talk apart from Saturday class.

[HeartGoesOn]

They're only mind games if you choose to participate.

[Snowy]

They're only mind games if you choose to participate.

 

That's why I'm not participating.

 

But I want to know the reason she is even trying to play mind games?

[90_hour_sleep]

Dr. Phil once said "You wouldn't care so much about what other people thought of you, if you knew how little they did."

 

Don't assume it's to spite you.

 

1000% agreement.

 

facebook drama's a great time...but such an impairment to moving forward it seems. even if it was the most amicable of splits, don't kid yourself into thinking facebook won't turn into a bad sort of friend for you. i'm starting to think that defriending should be a new ''rule'' for those of us who do the breaking up. consider it a favour to the one you're leaving. remove and block this person from all modes of contact...direct or indirect. don't be an enabler. i've been guilty of that business...and it blows. seems to have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

 

if drama's your thing...keep it up!!! if not...save yourself the hassle,

[90_hour_sleep]

it's best to detach and de-friend, IMO.

 

i de-friended my ex but someone (not with good intentions, obviously) must have copied-n-pasted my journaling type posts to him. because he emailed me accusing me of slandering him and threatened to do the same to me. he's the one that dumped me out of nowhere. and my posts were only of emo song lyrics that i find healing (like Evanescence) and my own words about my own feelings, not about him or his actions. but some people just can't let go. and some people are "chaos addicts" and like to toy with other's emotions. just my opinion but it feels so GOOD to let go! although it can take weeks or months to feel that freedom.

 

i wonder if breakups are harder after the web started??

 

no kidding. been wondering the same thing. such an easy way to keep tabs on someone. even easier to make erroneous assumptions about just about everything the other person is up to. it's like...allowing a recovering addict to partake in his drug use during the recovery process. what possible sense could that ever make??

 

remove. delete. block. might be considered 'offensive' at first...but it's really of secondary concern. he/she will get over it. you both will. no better way to keep the fire burning than to continue adding the fuel. snuff it out for good.

[Snowy]

90 hour, so how do I deal with the awkwardness after I block her? I still have to see her, and sit next to her in class every Saturday...

 

 

[90_hour_sleep]

90 hour, so how do I deal with the awkwardness after I block her? I still have to see her, and sit next to her in class every Saturday...

 

 

 

hmmm...good point. i'll admit...i didn't read the rest of the thread before i posted.

 

are the two of you friends? are you still interacting like friends? do you have to sit with her? if you're not interacting on facebook...is there a point in having her friendship there? if you're still ''friends''...well that's a different story. but...from the picture you've painted...it's not really a friendship. it's a mutually exclusive one-way street...for both of you. as someone who's been down the ''friends'' path...on both sides of the equation...i've concluded that it doesn't work post breakup (until such time as both have detached emotionally...and thoroughly let go). and...for many of us...if we're completely honest, that could mean years.

 

obviously you can see the point of removal. bottom line...is keeping her around beneficial to you at this point? what's it doing for you? might sound selfish. but...this is one of those instances where it's actually worthwhile to put yourself first.

 

that's how i see it at least.

 

as for the awkwardness...what's awkward about it? if this girl is a reasonable person...i'm sure she'd understand your motives. so...you're not facebook friends anymore. what does that mean? does a part of you like to be ''in the loop'' with her life? maybe. god...i've definitely fallen into that trap. i still liken it to the drug addict. how can you recover when your drug is so easily accessible? the question is...do you want to recover? you know...i've never been an advocate of this no contact business...but the more time i spend here...the more i'm realizing that it makes so much sense. and the internet...this is the biggest reason it's so difficult to achieve. we fool ourselves into thinking that it's not real contact. but it is real. it's keeping the story alive the same way meeting up in person would. if you don't sever the link...it will just remain there...keeping the little bond alive. that's a generalization...but if this forum is an accurate representation of our society...then it's a good one.

 

of course...it's not easy to do that. if it were easy...you wouldn't be here...and neither would i. it is a choice though. one that you'll make in your own time if it seems like the right move.

 

in short...i don't think it has to be awkward. be honest. any person who is capable of behaving in a reasonable manner will understand your motives...and respect your wishes.

[Snowy]

Well, when we broke up she said, "Let's be friends" and I said "Okay."

 

So it is assumed that we're friends. We do still interact like friends every time I see her.

 

You ask - is keeping her around beneficial? Well I certainly can't see any harm done. It can only show her I'm not a small-minded person.

 

The thing is, we're no longer part of each other's lives anymore. COMPLETELY NO CONTACT except for that 4 hours on Saturday, when we still act like friends. So there's no such thing as being "in the loop with each other's lives" at the moment.

 

I haven't posted anything on Facebook about her. I haven't texted her. I haven't called her. We haven't run into each other either.

 

So I honestly think blocking her is quite unnecessary.

 

And if you ask me, I can quite frankly tell you I don't love her anymore. She basically dumped me before I dumped her lol. The only thing which had me hesitating about dupming her was her good looking face.

[swann]

90_hour_sleep

 

Your last post was a great one. One of the best I have read here and there have been some great ones. You hit on some honest points that I think I have been trying to fool myself with. Like the "keeping the little bond alive" and "being in her loop with her life". I keep trying NC but I have failed every time at it. Either by answering the phone or by returning her call or even the worst, calling her on my own desire to talk to her. Even after I know it's best to move on (and I am doing that just not at a 100% rate yet) and I am accepting the fact that she left me and that we won't be getting back together anytime soon if ever, I just haven't been able to break free just yet. Crazy!

 

"if it were easy you wouldn't be here.....neither would I" Damn if that ain't right! This site does help, has helped me greatly. I am grateful for it. Funny how someone mentioned "is it harder to get past a break-up with the internet?" and I think it is if you choose to keep contact with an ex with it but the flip side is you have a site like this to help and give advice on how to get past a break-up.

 

Thanks for the sage advice.