Have any chance to get my ex back when she has a rebound engagement??

[Jondwnr]

I'll give you a summed up version of my story. We were together for 11 months(split up for 7 weeks)

I did everything wrong in trying to get my ex back to start with, and I'll say less than a week after our break she is dating her "BFF". I kinda had a feeling in my heart that she would, anyway not even 2 weeks after our break I propose over the phone and tell her to give me an answer by the weekend when we will meet up. Also I find out her BFF proposed a day before I did.

 

we meet up the mall and we hangout, she was distant. So I decide I am not gonna get a good answer so I walk to her car tell her bye and walk away. I've been walking for about 2 minutes and I look behind me and see her walking towards me crying. We go to her car and we end up talking and she doesn't give me an answer but she wanted to give it another try. So I am at her house for 4 days and at the last day I'm in tears as she drives me home. She said she don't love me anymore and we can be friends so on so forth.

 

So less than a week goes by shes back with her BFF and I find out they are engaged(not by her). We have a liittle argument on the phone. Then I try NC and on the 5th day she contacts me. I try again NC and again on the 5th day she talks to me, but this time we end up talking for 8 hours that day and after that she has been distant.

 

During this whole situation her mom has been talking to me(she wants us together). So my ex has a number of times just contacted me to ask if I've been telling her mom stuff about her life. So I told her I'm going NC till she gets her life together(it's been 7 days now). Also today her and her rebound had there first fight about how she doesnt think he loves her like she loves him. They are gonna be officially engaged on her birthday April 18th(she gets the ring).

 

Other Details: they have known eachother for 4 years, he just popped in her life again when we started having problems, he is bisexual and had a crush on her gay brother and still does, her mom and dad hate him and don't want him with their daughter. She moved in with him two different occasions in the spam of less than 2 months. They started saying I love you and are love crazed ever since she accepted his proposal.

 

I wonder if there is any chance at all I will be able to get her back???

[FathomFear]

I'm not sure I completely understand the flow of events. You broke up, she starts dating someone else, and then you propose to her over the phone? Why would you propose to her under those circumstances? Clearly the relationship is rather rocky.

 

I'm not sure what else to say other than the whole thing sounds like a plot for a Jerry Springer episode, and I'm not sure why you'd want to make it more complicated at this point. It sounds like she's had a long outstanding interest in this guy. She needs to figure that out, especially prior to marrying either one of you.

[Jondwnr]

I proposed over the phone in an act of desperation and it all didn't click for me I wish I never did that But, yea it all sounds extremely unreal to me. The rebound guy isn't all there himself, and no one thinks it will last. She is infatuated with him to the extreme and he doesn't even love her like she does.

 

I don't believe I've seen a situation this bizarre or weird yet on these forums so that's why I'm trying to get some clarity and oppinons on this.

[Jondwnr]

If anyone has any input at all please do I really do need as much as possible.

Thanks everyone in advance

[Mauxly]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you guys?

[infinitesigma]

I'm a pretty hopeful person and usually support those that want to remain hopeful for better days to their situation. However, in your situation I would advise you to take a deep breath, turn around and walk away and not think about a chance of reconciliation. Sorry to be blunt, but all of this is a pretty toxic situation.

 

Seriously, break your situation up into the main parts:

1 - Girl breaks up with you

2 - Girl becomes involved with a bi-sexual man who is in love with girl's brother

3 - Girl is in love with said guy who she admits doesn't mirror her love

4 - Girl accepts proposal after only two weeks of being with guy

 

This is not normal behavior and is a good indication that this girl has some deep issues that need to be worked out on her own. Don't try to be the hero in this and attempt to save her. It will not go well for you. She has to save herself and unfortunately she may have to go through a field of thorns to do so.

 

Even if she is able to separate herself from this in relatively short amount of time, it is going to take her a long time to become grounded enough to have a healthy relationship. Wish her all the best and start to get yourself back to you. Most likely at some point in the future she will reach out to you for support when the bottom drops out. You will need to make that decision to be there or not. But I warn you, do so only out of compassion and as a friend far removed from the emotions or feelings you currently have over her.

 

Listen to the song - "Can't Break Her Fall" by Matt Kearney

[Jondwnr]

Mauxly: I am 22 in June

she Is 21 in a couple weeks

I think he is 20?

 

Thanks infinitesigma, I believe she went crazy somewhere along the way of breaking up with me.

I do have strong feelings for her even though I'm not consumed by these feelings anymore.

I don't know why but, I hate giving up and especially if I know there is a chance come

Out better in the end. I do know she does love me, she just lost herself and he fell into her lap

And the devastation came with it.

 

I am going to think hard about my next moves in case she does contact me in the future.

I am going to continue NC and only break it when and if she gets herself sane again.

I do have to go to the funeral for her grandfather when he passes in the coming weeks

I promised her mom I would be there for the family not for my ex.

Thanks again guys

[dramallama]

She CHOSE to be with someone else. She is not the victim. If she wanted to be with you she would. You didn't give up. She did. Don't be desperate. Walk away with your dignity.

[Jondwnr]

Yeah, I know she left me and I realized that. And I do have my dignity and I'm not the desperate pathetic guy i was when she broke up with me. I'm basically back to being myself, I actually saw on one of her pages she changed her status to engaged and it hurt a little bit but, it was only for for like 5 minutes and I was fine afterwards.

[dramallama]

Are you still FB friends with her? You must delete her. It will help your healing so much. You shouldn't even be looking at her page.

[Jondwnr]

Are you still FB friends with her? You must delete her. It will help your healing so much. You shouldn't even be looking at her page.

 

I am Facebook friends with her but I don't check her page at all, I'm over the whole "what is she doing?" "does she think of me?" stage. I'm basically ready to make my next life move either it's moving on or if she comes back I'm also ready to deal with that situation. Thanks

[dramallama]

I think if you don't speak to her, and want to move on, you should delete her from facebook. Even though you don't check her page, SHE still shouldn't be able to check up on YOU. It's about letting a dumper live with the consequence of dumping you. It's a privilege to know what you're up to and she forfeited that when she broke up with you.

[Jondwnr]

Well I blocked her, my thought was it was another way for her to communicate with me if she wanted but oh well shes blocked now

[MasterPo]

I like that advice; "she chose to leave you" and being with you is indeed a privilege. Hell yeah, let her wonder about YOU and what a great life you must be having.

 

Believe me, it took me about a year and change to figure out that advice and it helps immensely with the self esteem and the pain.

[Jondwnr]

Thanks for the reassurance it's great to know people support you and are there in time of need.

[TigerCourage]

Let her call you mate. She will, I bet you had a great time together and that dude won't be able to take your place. She has to call. I mean it's just a damn rebound! They have to end sooner or later! Damn...

[Jondwnr]

Tiger! Im pretty sure the rebound ended the relationship but, indent know what my next move should be??

 

I could wait out the NC thing and wait to see if she calls?

I can wait till her bday in a week and give her a happy bday call?

I can wait till her grandfathers funeral and just be there for her? And maybe she will see what she missed(she has only seen me once since the breakup)

 

What do you guys think?

[Jondwnr]

Does anyone have an oppinion on my above response?

[dramallama]

Don't contact her. If she contacts you, tell her that because you two are broken up, it would best if you only talked to each other if it was to move towards reconciliation. Otherwise, if reconcilition isn't her intention, you would appreciate space from her so that you can move on. You need to man up and mentally get in a place where you put up boundaries with her. You are not in that place yet.

 

You are going to her grandfather's funeral to pay your respects to HIM, not to use it as an opporunity to talk to her. If SHE approaches and talks to you, keep her at arm's length and treat her like a stranger - polite but distant. Do not contact her on her birthday. You are not her boyfriend or a friend. I know it seems harsh to you, but she CHOSE not to have you in her life, so let her live with that consequence. It seems to be a phenomenon around here, but a lot of dumpers break up with people before big events such as Valentines Day, birthdays, Christmas, so that the dumpers don't have to deal with the guilt of you putting effort into those celebrations when they are not so much into you.

 

I'm not saying that she wouldn't like you to contact her, maybe, maybe not, but you must learn the difference between someone wanting an ego stroke and wanting you back. Regardless of whether she would like a birthday greeting or not doesn't matter, because you must let her live with the CONSEQUENCE of dumping you. She must learn what it is like to be without you completely. You are not her friend, and if you send her a message it will mean that you are happy to be friends.

[Jondwnr]

About the funeral, I wasnt gonna contact her I was actually gonna be there for her family and if I was to talk to her it would be to say sorry about her grandfather.

 

Im pretty sure her rebound is gonna dump her very very soon. And I'm wondering if and when they split I could give her a phone call the next day or the day after and just let her talk and I'll listen and maybe she will feel the connection and i would ask her if she would like to talk about this in person. Then when she says yes we will talk about it over lunch and at the end I would say would you like to meet up again? And when she says yes and we meet again I would bring up starting over new And trusting each other and going on dates to start over.

 

I think that might work. But I don't think I will risk it.

[dramallama]

No! You are not getting it. You are acting desperate. What person with any kind of confidence would rescue an ex from a relationship that she CHOSE to leave you for? IF they break up, it is none of your business. Only someone with low self esteem would swoop in and nurture someone that has dumped them for someone else. SHE chose to leave you for someone else, so let her live without you. And if that relationship ends, she can NOT come running back to you for comfort because that was her choice to get you out of her life. If anything, SHE is the one that should be winning you back.

 

You are not listening. If SHE decides that SHE wants to reconcile, SHE will break up with her boyfriend FIRST, then SHE will approach you to reconcile. You will not have to chase her up AT ALL. Are you getting it?

 

If she contacts you and she is still in a relationship, tell her that because she is not in a place to reconcile, you would appreciate if she resepcted your need for space. I'm not trying to trivialise death at all, but surely you must recognise the difference between an old person dying, and say, he little sister (someone who died before their time). The ONLY person you are paying respects to is her grandpa. You don't need to talk to her AT ALL. I think you are using it as an excuse. I hope her boyfriend goes to the funeral with her so that you will realise that it is NOT your place to be there for her, because she has CHOSEN to live without you (let her live with that choice), AAAND she has CHOSEN to let someone else fill that role. I think deep down you don't want to tell her that you are sorry for her loss, but that you are hoping to push her towards reconciliation, even if you don't admit it.

[Jondwnr]

I know what your saying and I see now that it looks desperate and I'll put those thoughts to rest. I'm a schemer and an over thinker by nature so that's why I'm coming up with these senarios.

 

Deep down I might have alterier motives for the funeral but, I really dont want to see her at the funeral. I would like to see the rest of her family though and I told them I'd be there for them.

 

I'm doing good with the NC it's just I'm afraid she is done with me. I'm not one who accepts failure or no, I'm a pusher and that could be both a good and bad thing.

 

Thanks for riding my head of those harmful ideas

[MakeItCount]

Probably should mention you cheated on her. That changes the situation.

 

Chances are she ran into this guys arms for comfort. Regardless, you need to back off and give her space so she can figure it out. You being around won't help the situation.

[Jondwnr]

I know i should of back away, I am fairly new to relationships and never was broken up with before so all this is new to me. I know I'm not a bad guy just made a mistake or two in my lifetime

[Jondwnr]

Now she is acting like she's loved him forever and is giving away her feelings for me to him aka the engagement. Sundays suck!!