Help please! I need your views from HER side on this crazy situation.

[SadAndy]

hi folks,

 

I posted on here last Feb (2010) after the break up of my 14 year relationship with my 'ex' who cheated on me over the last 5 years and then dumped me for a bloke 12 years younger. We have an 8 year old child together who is my total world and being away from her is the hardest thing i have ever had to endure.

 

Basically, my 'ex' and i are 33, been together 14 years and although happy she cheated on me with a best mate 5 years ago for 6 months until i found out. She dumped me a year ago for a work colleague 12 years younger in Feb last year and then confessed to carrying on the affair with the original bloke for the last 18 months or so as she said that she hates herself for all the deceit.

 

Anyway, she dumped me in Feb 2010 and had a 'wobble' in March 2010 but decided to stay with him and then finally dumped him in Jun 2010 as 'he wasn't me' and 'life wasn't right without me in it'! So, although i had a new house at this point, we decided to work at it without our daughters knowledge until Dec 2010 when we decided i would move back in and tell our daughter who was over the moon.

 

Now for the problem. She became pregnant by this guy in Apr 2010 and had an abortion in July which was a very difficult thing for her to go through as she is against that sort of thing and does want another child desperately. She said that 'it didn't seem right and that she wanted one with me'. This was the 'commitment' if you like that made me take the gamble of yet another chance!

She continued to text this guy, with my knowledge, as he was obviously destressed by this and these texts i've now found out range from 20-40 times a day, every day!

My thinking was that if she still wanted him, she would have stayed so although i'm troubled by these texts, i've had to let them go on.

 

I know that she doesn't fancy me as i've seen what she wrote when she attended a counsellor to try and sort it all out. She doesn't know that i know that. She went 6 times before announcing that it wasn't really doing anything.

 

She has kept photos of this bloke and also a Christmas card from him and yesterday i decided to check her phone and found the last text that she sent him which ended 'love you'. All the others had been deleted.

I confronted her and said 'ok, i think its time i left' and she went all tearful, all day saying that it is just the way they all are at work and she 'loves him' as a friend and no more and that she is just trying to make everything better for everyone as she has caused enough hurt already and hates herself for what she has done etc.

 

She does not talk to anyone, even me or her parents, and this has been the cause of all of this but for some reason she opens up to this other bloke and tells him everything, which i'm not too comfortable with.

 

This is an absolutely insane situation but I would love to hear your views from her side. i know that the obvious thing to do is to walk away but that would take my little girl away from me and i also do not want to 'abandon' my 'ex' when i think that despite what she says, she is trully on the edge. The thing is that i don't want her to bring me down either and i am myself very close to the edge of a major breakdown.

 

Is it possible that in her mixed up world i have nothing to worry about or is this 'love you' thing a step too far?

 

Thanks all.

[DN]

I think you should suggest marital counseling - make sure you find a really good one.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She went back to you because you represent security. By not voicing your displeasure and putting your foot down about texting the other guy, it told her that she could still have both of you in her life to suit her purpose. She is playing you. She says the right words and sheds crocodile tears to keep you around..but then stays in contact (and probably much more than just electronic contact) with the other guy. I would kick her to the curb. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking men can be pushed around and they will take it. The longer you stay the more messed up you will get. Your partner is selfish, dishonest, deceitful and a liar.

[FreedomRing]

She went back to you because you represent security. By not voicing your displeasure and putting your foot down about texting the other guy, it told her that she could still have both of you in her life to suit her purpose. She is playing you. She says the right words and sheds crocodile tears to keep you around..but then stays in contact (and probably much more than just electronic contact) with the other guy. I would kick her to the curb. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking men can be pushed around and they will take it. The longer you stay the more messed up you will get. Your partner is selfish, dishonest, deceitful and a liar.

 

Agree with this - esp regarding setting an example for your daughter. She may not be able to understand why daddy left right now, but as she gets older, i'm sure she would respect your decision to stand up for yourself. You do not want her to think this is the way to treat a man.

[catfeeder]

I'd consult an attorney about your chances of gaining full or shared custody, but I wouldn't stay in this mess.

[Windycitygal]

I echo Catfeeder. See if you can get custody and see if somehow you can find all the texts possible and forward them to your phone.

[PinkDream]

Wow, honestly, it sounds to me like she is extremely emotionally unstable. I would say stay and work on it if she had cheated only once. People definitely make stupid mistakes but it looks like this has been an ongoing thing, and is probably not going to stop.

 

My advice would be to walk away. Like others have said, explore your options as far as getting shared/all custody of your daughter. I have heard that cheating/unstable behavior from one parent is reason enough in court to award custody to the other parent. I'm sure it is a lot more complicated than that but I would look into it.

 

If you decide to stay with her (which I would recommend you don't to), then you need to tell her that if she wants to be with you she needs to cut out all contact with this other guy. She needs to prove to you that she is trustworthy and that means going out of her way to make you comfortable with whom and what she's texting/contacting with. Also, it seems like you both (especially her) would benefit from some counseling.

 

I know not everyone would agree, but I think she is probably an extremely unhappy woman if she is constantly being unfaithful. She needs to figure out her life for herself and she needs to find her own happiness and stability. She may never do that so I think that it would be wise if you moved on with your life.

 

Hope that helps.

[SadAndy]

Heartfelt thanks for your valid and kind replies.

 

I can see from deep inside her that she finally realises the gravity of the situation and what she has done and she is, deep down, very unhappy.

 

She assures me that she is merely trying to be all things to all people and not hurt anyone else as she truly hates herself for what she has done.

I have read and re-read each and every one of your replies and I will do my best to get her in for counselling, although it will have to be HER decision to go otherwise it will be worthless. The same goes for having no contact with this 'ex'. If I force the issue, she will merely resent me.

 

I know for sure now though that she is very close to the edge and I guess I'm willing to take a chance against all the odds to help her, but I need her to be 'sorted out' enough to know that all of her future decisions are level headed ones and that is where I think the counselling will ultimately be the make or break issue.

 

God bless you all. I guess time will tell!

[Glowguy]

I'm going to have to be harsh here but this is a travesty of a relationship. She has completely abandoned you (not the other way around). Wake up, salvage your dignity, and stop torturing yourself. I really, really cannot understand why you would allow yourself to be subjected to this. I suggest you skip the counseling and tell her to pack her bags. Get evidence of the adultery and then see a lawyer about custody.