Life in the Driver's Seat

[Seraphim]

The best course of action I think is to quit altogether. 21 Dec will be my last day I think . I will quit Wednesdays and the Youth Centre . Really it would only be $2000 a year I would be making . Why risk my health and sanity for $2000 . Unless of course she backs off.

[Seraphim]

I am very happy with myself. I have learned proper communication.

[Seraphim]

Tonight my wonderful honey bunny watched Christmas movies with me . What I asked for to bring me out of my funk. I’m happier just say I’m in a much better mood and my blood pressure has come down . The day she upset me my blood pressure skyrocketed to 179/125 . Now it is 143/95 . Still high but much reduced . I just planned to stay away that from that place for a while other than working when she is not there.

[Seraphim]

I have been dealing inter cat aggression. My most timid cat started viciously attacking my older cat, unprovoked. The stress of so many kids in the house in what used to be “ his “ space . So I split them up to reduce tension and bought feel away spray and a diffuser. I have had the older cat sleep in our room with the door shut so he would feel safe . Once tensions were down I used their fav canned cat food and had them eat together. HUGE reduction in tension and no fights.

[Seraphim]

Oh my...last night at the CWL meeting a former president who will be mentoring me told everyone that I will be the next president. I take on my duties on Feb 9.

[Seraphim]

My birthday in a week. D’oh!

[Seraphim]

There’s no more fighting between my cats so they’ve adjusted to our new life . I don’t have severe body reactions to stress. I feel I have been brought back to Earth. Now that I’m not so stressed it’s understandable that I was almost living on a higher plane disassociated from myself almost . What I saw ,what I heard ,what I felt ,what I internalized ,what I perceived it was all affected by stress . I have come to understand that my mind and body cannot tolerate ANY stress after the life I’ve had . My best friend now so she sees a total difference in my personality and my body’s reaction’s between when I’m stressed and when I’m not . She said you literally can’t handle the most minor stress like at all . I said actually you’re right I can’t my body literally can’t take it . I have to avoid it as much as possible. She said I have never seen a more stressed out individual in my life over every single minute detail. I said yup that’s me .

[Seraphim]

My mom has been super sick for about 2 weeks. Has she gone to dr? Nope. Then she hurt her back yesterday lifting baby M into the crib and can’t walk now. I told her them raising this baby was lunacy and get your butt to a dr. She pisses me off so bad sometimes.

[Seraphim]

My mom went to the dr today. She has pneumonia and a burst ear drum. . Go to the doctor. 🙄

[Seraphim]

I did not sleep well last night, at all. The anxiety and nightmares were awful.

[Seraphim]

Hubby flies out tomorrow and will miss my birthday. Of course. Poop!

[Seraphim]

It was possibly the worst birthday ever. My doctor delisted me and refuse renew my prescription. Because I “ live too far away”. Find a new dr. My mom defended the dr because he is her doctor too and blamed me for not searching for a dr. it’s almost impossible to get one in this area . So I called health connect and found out he actually delisted me so I can’t get my anxiety med without going to the emerge . So I delisted my son from our dr with health connect and that way we can both look for a Dr. together or rather health connect looks for us .

 

Then I told my mom don’t forget our tradition of you calling me on my birthday minute . And she gave me this big ass lecture about how she’s never forgotten in 52 years . Come to my birthday minute , no call. What happened she lost her phone in the salon and 10 minutes later she’s frantically using my stepdad‘s phone to call me . Nope uh huh not answering you.

 

Later I told her look ,I don’t ask for a lot I see you six times a year and I asked for 3 traditions the whole year that’s all I ask for I don’t think I asked a lot of you . And thanks for defending the doctor I hope he is your best friend .

 

Then my SIL texts me happy birthday at 11PM happy birthday and woke us all up. Wth witch you didn’t remember?? I have been your SIL for almost 25 years.

[Seraphim]

Heading to the ER to get my meds.

[Seraphim]

At my mom’s looking after her.

[Seraphim]

The ER luckily gave me a three month prescription for my pills and one refill until I get a family dr.

 

I went to look after my mom on the weekend. She improved a little bit with all my homemade chicken soup and hopefully she eats the chicken soup that I froze for her for the week . I told her to call the doctor back about her ears because her ears are so clogged you have to scream at her for her to hear you . And you have to do that while sitting next to her .

 

My great nephew is cute as a button but hell on wheels . You can tell he was completely raised in a home with no schedule no rules and no consequences . He just runs around everywhere flinging everything . And he grew up eating his meals off a blanket on the floor whatever he pulled out of the fridge himself . He has no play skills and only about four words . He is close to 16 months old . And the four words that he has my mom taught to him since he got there . Basically it’s the neglectful environment he grew up in because he seems to have average intelligence. He is also very loving and smiley. But what was very offputting .... not exactly offputting but scary was that he gave me a hug and a kiss the second he met me . Most kids won’t do that with anybody they don’t know . That makes me think he’s been passed around a lot and he’s terrified not be nice because he scared about where he’s going to end up .

 

While I was back home I had the weirdest sense that it was alien and yet familiar. I started to cry because I wanted to stay there and also wanted to go home . I feel so torn about where I should be . I want to be with my mom and I want to be with my boys . * sob*

[Seraphim]

Today I blocked my SIL on my phone. I am tired of her BS . I have no interest in talking to her anymore .

[Seraphim]

And we have no power , again.

[Seraphim]

Hero of the day. My honey smelled a gas leak in the centre tonight and called the fire dept. It seems there was a gas leak in the furnace .

[Seraphim]

Just a lot of random stuff .......

 

 

Tomorrow my honey bunny leaves on a training flight but not gone very long . We spent the day Christmas shopping in the big city and brought friends with us . I got some higher end make up for my nieces . I picked up my son’s gift . Got myself some false eyelashes at MAC.

[Seraphim]

Wow ,I haven’t had a lot of time to write I’ve been super busy . My own business has done so well and then working at night and trying to keep afloat . My last day at my old job is the 20th . My families are done Daycare on the 21st and then I have two weeks off at Christmas .

 

I went and saw Melissa Etheridge concert with my mom and stepdad and my husband . My brother paid for the balcony box and bought it out so it was just the four of us in the box. It was awesome she really rocked the place ! Last night was my husband’s squadron dinner .

 

I’m still having problems with my cats, the two brothers have injured my older cat . He has soft tissue injury from running away from them . They are not trying to hurt him they are just chasing him . For now he’s secluded in my room and on medication . That way he doesn’t have to do a lot of jumping and no running . Right now he’s purring and cuddled up on my bed and he’s just been given his pain medication. My husband took him into the vet for assessment yesterday. $200 for assessment and pain meds . But he does seem to be making better jumps today .

 

Other than that life has just been busy busy busy .

[Seraphim]

After a few days on anti-inflammatories my cat seems a little bit better . He is jumping better and seems happier.

[Seraphim]

We finally got our tree up!

[Seraphim]

Wed I got a gift from one of my former bosses.

[Seraphim]

One more day and it is Christmas holidays. Tonight is my very last night/ shift at the centre. Last night the micromanager contacted me to say she missed me and my stability and dedication and was musing about “ the way it used to be.” She knows she drove me nuts but she wished I was back . She is stopping by my house today. I left my phone charger in the centre last night . So she said she would bring it to me .

 

I don’t know what to think about any of this . Sometimes I wish I could just take people at face value .

[Seraphim]

I got a surprise party at work tonight . :) they got me flowers and a cake . They were waiting in the dark to surprise me !

When I walked out the door tonight for the last time it kind of brought tears to my eyes . My husband was also in on the surprise . ❤️

 

I got the report on my cat’s preop bloodwork . He is mostly healthy and there is just one slightly elevated liver enzyme. They said that could be due to age . I was happy to know he is pretty good for his age . Next year they will check his blood work again and see if anything has changed .