Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 My mom does remind me from time to time that my dad does love me. She says , " L ,I know him better than anybody in the entire world and I know he loves you. He just can't do it right. " When my dad was talking about when he dies it was a little disturbing. He said , I have a plot all you have to do is have me cremated and my sister will handle that because she's my executor. He said don't even buy an urnjust throw me in a coffee can. I was outraged about that and thought it was gross. And he said I won't care I'm dead! I said dad you should be buried with some dignity you know! And he said okay geez paint the can gold if you want. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 So I think my mom and I have worked out the frustrating issue about phone calls. Yay! Now she realizes that the way it was working was disrespectful to me. And I found out way to communicate that I felt disrespected. Before therapy I could not separate issues or find ways to communicate ideas. I would just feel everything as rage. I wouldn't know why I felt rage or how to explain. Now ,I don't have just two emotions, rage and happiness ,but I have all kinds of other ones. I have been learning to have the boundaries I need and how to explain my boundaries and how to explain myself. That makes for in tensely better relationships. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 And it is even a glorious victory for me that I can tell people you do not have the right to disrespect me. I could not tell people that before especially the ones closest to me. I was just expected to take disrespect. Sometimes, I think actually most of the time they didn't even realize they were disrespecting me . But if I want to take ownership of that I never told them either. As my mother would say I don't know what you want or need L if you can't use words. And my husband and mother used to say the only person that you didn't chew up with razor blades was your son. Anybody else you would've turned on them in a heartbeat chewed them up with razor blades in your mouth and spit them out. They said you could crush people in a second. The only person that you gave every drop of empathy and compassion that you had in your body was to your child. I was trying to explain to them no one ever heard my rage or why I was so enraged. But in truth I could not explain it either. I didn't even know myself. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Now my whole family says they have noticed an enormous change in me. I seldom get angry anymore. I can verbalize how I feel and what I want and what I expect. And they say I am way happier. And all our relationships have become calm. My mom said she waited for decades for me to help myself. Encouraged me for decades to help myself. She said she didn't have the power ,the knowledge or the skills to help me. All she could do was love me no matter what. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 And I gave my son everything because I felt he deserved it. He deserved everything I never got. I poured every single thing that was good in me into him. Every last drop. I was going to succeed where they had all failed. But in that I had no compassion or empathy even for myself. That is something I am still trying to learn. And that is something that may take a long long time. Can I learn it? I think so! I have learned so many other things. I have learned to give myself a voice. I have learned to let others have a voice. I know I love others and I always have. I know I have great compassion and empathy for others. Now the biggest test of all is to give that love back to L. Once I learn that I think this fight will be done. See this journey does have a finish!!!!! Wow !!I could never contemplate before that it had a finish. Wow! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Now I understand why my son being sick upset me to such a degree. Because my father used to deny me medical care. Not that I have ever denied my child medical care not once. I was giving his immune system a chance to clear whatever it was on it's own. We can't run with our child to the doctor every second for every cold, sneeze ,cough , or blink of an eye. So I was reasonable in letting his immune system try and clear whatever it was. And people get sick you can't stop that no matter what you do. And I did get him medical care the second I realized his immune system couldn't do the job. Once again it is that completely unrealistic concept I have that I should be perfect. And the complete horror that I don't want any comparison between myself and my father. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 And I know why I am no longer enraged, I have a voice. I have a voice I have a voice I have a voice I have a voice!!!!!!!! I have a voice and no one can take it away!!!!!!!! When I was small everyone ,absolutely everyone took my voice away. In one form or another they took my voice away. That is why I had so much rage built up. I am entitled to my voice!!! I own my voice . And no one can ever take it away again. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 FOR MY PARENTS L & S I will not make the same mistakes that you did.... I lose my way And it's not too long before you point it out I cannot cry Because I know that's weakness in your eyes I'm forced to fake A smile, a laugh everyday of my life My heart can't possibly break When it wasn't even whole to start with Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid I watched you die I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain And now I cry in the middle of the night For the same damn thing Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty Because of you I am afraid Because of you Because of you Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Okay that's enough let's pull ourselves out of this funk we have going on today. You are just fine! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Nothing can hurt you anymore. You are your own protector. Your past can not hurt you anymore. You are fine. And the little girl inside you is fine too. She has been doing some whining for a few days but she is FINE. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 link removed What I got for free for hostessing the party last night. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 The other things I picked out to buy. link removed link removed Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 I have 2 more paid work days. One tomorrow and one next Wed. The lady that I work with her first grandchild was born so she scooted off to see her daughter. So I have some of her hours. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 I need help to harness my empathic abilities. Other people's energies effect me too much. Even if I communicate with a person online I can feel their energy even thousands of miles away. I have to separate them from me. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 From all the tests I have been doing it is telling me that I am a very powerful empath but that I lack the ability to control my abilities. I have always known since I was very young that I was incredibly sensitive to what was happening around me and just KNEW things. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 link removed What I got for free for hostessing the party last night. I love that one! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 I love that one! Yeah!! It really drew my eye!! It was $129 for the set but I got it for free. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 EMPATHS Marked by an acute sensitivity to the feeling of others, Empaths can actually feel another's pain and can heal it in some way. Since Empaths pick up on the feelings of others, there is a great understanding and ability to really "see" the other person. Others > tune into the Empaths energy and tend to gravitate towards them knowing they are "safe" with this empathetic person. Empaths can have a very expressive personality, are great listeners and often seen counseling and not just in the professional area, they will always find themselves helping others out and putting their own needs aside to do so. Very often there can be a swing to the opposite end of the spectrum being quiet with a need to withdraw from the outside world to be alone and daydream. Empaths are passionate towards nature, beauty, animals and children. Animals are especially dear to the heart. There is often an attraction to a special kind of animal but empathy towards all animals is a common characteristic. Animals and young children are especially attracted and drawn to the Empath's qualities. There tends to be an immediate connection of sorts. Empaths make great friends or lovers for life but are literally crushed if the friendship or relationship is abused. They will through many experiences and heartaches become more selective. Though Empaths may have a large circle of friends, they generally only have a few trusted ones. Oftentimes Empaths attract jealousy in others because of their many talents, loving nature and natural ability to get along with and network with so many people. The jealousy will hurt an Empath as they really cannot comprehend this behavior, or lack of compassionate understanding. Empaths usually achieve in quiet and not one to brag about their talents and interests. They will often promote the talents of others before their own. Accepting compliments are not always easy. Empaths are usually facially expressive as well expressive with their emotions and feelings. Talking openly and honestly on all topics is characteristic of an Empath. Because Empaths are frequently the recipient of listening to others problems they often retreat into the quiet of their minds eye. Oftentimes, the need to block out others is great so that the energy balance is restored. Empaths tend to be peacemakers, are non aggressive and non violent. In fact, there is an acute sensitivity to violence of any kind on TV, in films and especially in "real life" situations. Any infliction of pain or violence to others, especially animals and children will cause the Empath to feel physically ill and retreat. Oftentimes the memories of those images will replay. link removed Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 My brother was supposed to be born on Valentine's Day but he was a few days late. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 I made a new friend today. She is coming over for coffee next week. I got invited to the parent council meeting too for my son's school. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 I have decided I'm not even going to let that woman rent space in my head. She is no longer part of the family no need to think of her. The only reason I will consider thinking of her is to pray that she gets better so she can be a better mother to my nieces. Other than that I do not need to give her the time of day. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Yup, I am getting irritated. Do you ever wonder why you even bother some days? Yeah I do. Anyway work was pretty good today. I did take my medication though because I just simply can NOT focus my eyes otherwise. At least not right now. It seems that after my fall my anxiety has taken over a new system in my body. My eyes. I take my medication my eyes focus no issue. So days that are important I am going to need to do this. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Yay!!! My son is no longer coughing !!! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 [video=youtube_share;U9cF8jTZ53c] ] Link to comment
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