Life in the Driver's Seat

[Seraphim]

How do you tell your kid to screw off when they beg for food because they last ate the day before???? How do you in good conscience eat when you do that??? I will never understand that dad.

[Seraphim]

Funny you could buy Five Star, cigarettes, Mcdonalds and porn but I could not eat or have shoes . And people wonder why crap parents REALLY bug me and I struggle for sympathy. Take a look at my life.

[Seraphim]

I got sent to school with no lunch too. But hey by grade 8 I was HS so no one cared if you had lunch. He had to send one for my brother because he would have been called on.

 

You never bought me pens or paper or anything for school. I had to beg off the teacher or other children.

[Seraphim]

Another snow storm. Sigh

[Seraphim]

I am so sick of snow I could puke.

[Seraphim]

Today I had to take half a pill because my eyes were messed up for 3 days. I could not take the anxiety anymore.

[Seraphim]

[video=youtube_share;rR0JcTJJ5ew] ]

[Seraphim]

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[Seraphim]

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[Seraphim]

^ an awesome internet crochet teacher!

[Seraphim]

HAd our friends Overtonight, was really nice but had more to drink than I have in like 2o years. Totally wrecked. Night.

[Seraphim]

It looks like our friends are getting their marriage back on track . But I will find out the real scoop when I talk to my girlfriend on Monday when she comes to my jewelry party. But it was really good time last night. He brought bottles of his homemade beer. So I had three glasses of beer and three glasses of wine. Oooooooooooooo I almost never drink anymore so that was a whole wackload.

[Seraphim]

I really wish a lot of parents would take their head out of their backsides.

[Seraphim]

My boy is showing a lot of signs of getting a lot better today!

[Mesemene]

Good to hear - did he do ok going back to school, or decide to give it another few days?

[Seraphim]

Good to hear - did he do ok going back to school, or decide to give it another few days?

 

He went back on Friday because he was flipping out he would get too behind. He is considerably better today though. Yesterday and today he has gone off to his buddy's place.

[Seraphim]

Just had a blow out with my mom. Even she calls me in 2 mins she says she no longer has any time. So I said, " here is answer mom don't call me when you don't have time for me. No time is good right now ever . So just don't call ok. You are pissing me off . Call me when you can make some time other than that don't piss me off by calling. That is the answer. I am so over this crap mom. I don't ask for a lot and I almost never see you . A few mins on the phone a day is not the end of the effin world. If you can't give me that screw it and don't call me. I am sorry I am at the ass end of your priority list so don't call."

[Seraphim]

And she just kept saying "L ,you know it's a busy time around here and not a good time. The baby needs this ,the baby needs that so-and-so's talking in my ear , your stepdad is talking to me at the same time." And I said" put them in their effing place and tell them to shut up while you're on the phone then. Go to another room when you're on the phone. They have no damn respect. " L ,you know your brother and his kids are here ,eight people are not meant to live in this house." Mom,you just told me D and the kids were at the mall so what is your excuse now?" "Well I'm trying to relax" " then why the hell did you call me?" " Cause I don't want you to feel left out."" I do feel left out mom when you call me for two seconds and say oh I got to go so-and-so's talk to me or so-and-so needs something so don't bother. If you can't balance your life don't call me. All you're doing is making me angry."

[Seraphim]

Tonight was the annual vow renewal at church. All the married couples who wanted to renew their vows did so. So we renewed ours. And just like the first time I said them 20 years ago I started to cry. I started to cry because I love him so much. He is my heart and soul.

 

My son was patting my back and said ,"mom you're the biggest sap ever."

 

Later when we were at home my husband said out of the blue oh my God our wedding video is a travesty because that hag is in it.

[Seraphim]

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[Seraphim]

My mother called me later in the evening. We settled our disagreement. I told her that her not putting people in the their place while she was on the phone was the problem not the other people. I said if you call me and other people are yapping at you and you're talking to them and talking to me at the same time it's disrespectful to me and don't do it. She tried to backpedal a little bit and say my life is busy blah blah... I said no mom it's rude and disrespectful put them in their place. He is 74 he can wait for you to get off the phone. She's 15 she can wait for you to get off the phone. Don't treat me like an ass because you're too busy. If you're too busy to talk to your own daughter you need to put some people in their place or get less things to do. Or you need to learn to balance your life better.

[Seraphim]

Woohoo we are #1 at the games right now!! Go Canada!!!!

(Whoops I'm not a little competitive) slinks away

[Seraphim]

Pray for your enemies.

[Seraphim]

It absolutely physically exhausts me to even talk about my childhood. Even answering three questions I'm so exhausted I can't even move. I can't even physically get off the sofa. The emotions of it just physically beat up my body that bad.

 

If I had been a weaker person I don't even know what would have happened to me. Actually, yes, I do . I would've been dead. It is really that simple. I have lived the last 41 years on adrenaline, pure adrenaline . And thank God I went to therapy. Because a year and a half ago I swear I was going to die literally. I was at the very very bottom. I was convinced I'd never be able to pick myself up one more time. That death was the only answer for me. But I did it and I made it!! I made it one more time. By the skin of my teeth I made it one more time.

 

If I had not been born with extreme emotional and physical toughness I would not be alive.

[Seraphim]

I think another reason that I am different than my father is that I was abused AFTER I had already formed very strong emotional attachments. I already knew what was right from wrong. I had developed strong emotional interfamily bonds. My mother gave me examples of devoted unconditional love every single day. And I already had a partially to mostly formed personality. My father was abused from infancy on.