hexaemeron Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Holy cats, people. Who the hell cares if there's a profile or not? Anyone can cheat anytime anywhere under any circumstances. Getting rid of a profile doesn't make your relationship any more or less secure. It's called trust. Look it up. Link to comment
Positive_Anonymous Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks for your comments and I do understand your points of view. Anyway I have just done something rather bizarre - CONFESSION! Even though I have not known this girl long I have just made a correct guess at her password and logged on to her online dating account. It seems she was telling the truth after all as she has sent no emails and has only received a few which she cannot read anyway because she has not subscribed. And whilst I was there I made sure I deactivated her profile for her. I know I know, i really don't want to be doing this sort of thing although I believe if there had been something going on I would have rather found out sooner than later. So I now feel trust again! Link to comment
greywolf Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Sounds like you two were both trying to stalk each other's profiles to see if it was still active. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Holy cats, people. Who the hell cares if there's a profile or not? Anyone can cheat anytime anywhere under any circumstances. Getting rid of a profile doesn't make your relationship any more or less secure. It's called trust. Look it up. Ok well now we are back to disagreeing. The point is they are exclusive. Obviously declaring exclusivity and then keeping an open profile on a dating site is pure hypocrisy. What kind of message does that send to your partner? Obviously the exact opposite. So yeah, I would mind a great deal. If you want to keep an open dating profile then don't declare exclusivity. It's really that simple. Link to comment
superfox Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks for your comments and I do understand your points of view. Anyway I have just done something rather bizarre - CONFESSION! Even though I have not known this girl long I have just made a correct guess at her password and logged on to her online dating account. It seems she was telling the truth after all as she has sent no emails and has only received a few which she cannot read anyway because she has not subscribed. And whilst I was there I made sure I deactivated her profile for her. I know I know, i really don't want to be doing this sort of thing although I believe if there had been something going on I would have rather found out sooner than later. So I now feel trust again! I'm so pleased and we'll ignore the breaking and entering thing For what it's worth I checked my spam mail the other day and found a ton of emails from a dating site I joined but never fully joined (if that makes sense?). I'd forgotten all about it - seriously! As I was never a full member or had a profile or pic up, so I went on and deactivated. My bf is big on trust and he would have had severe wobbles had he checked my email. Which, I do NOT have a problem with him doing should he wish. Link to comment
ronhait Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks for your comments and I do understand your points of view. Anyway I have just done something rather bizarre - CONFESSION! Even though I have not known this girl long I have just made a correct guess at her password and logged on to her online dating account. It seems she was telling the truth after all as she has sent no emails and has only received a few which she cannot read anyway because she has not subscribed. And whilst I was there I made sure I deactivated her profile for her. I know I know, i really don't want to be doing this sort of thing although I believe if there had been something going on I would have rather found out sooner than later. So I now feel trust again! That's so nice that YOU trust HER again after hacking into her account and deleting it. When I date a woman I don't care if she keeps her profile active or not. She wants to throw a few emails and messages back and forth, it's all the same to me. I don't sit there and obsess over it. If she's not into me and the relationship ends, so be it. I'll enjoy it while it's there and not ruin it by acting like some insecure obsessed stalker. But hey that's just me.. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 So, OP, you're going to tell her you hacked her account, right? Wouldn't want to be dishonest, RIGHT? Link to comment
Positive_Anonymous Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 Of course, if she asks that is ....I think hacking is probably not the right word. I seriously wouldn't have a clue how to hack someones account. 'lucky guessed her password'....dont want to go there again! Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Of course, if she asks that is ....I think hacking is probably not the right word. I seriously wouldn't have a clue how to hack someones account. 'lucky guessed her password'....dont want to go there again! So, no, then. Gotcha. Link to comment
eternalsunrise Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Thanks for your comments and I do understand your points of view. Anyway I have just done something rather bizarre - CONFESSION! Even though I have not known this girl long I have just made a correct guess at her password and logged on to her online dating account. It seems she was telling the truth after all as she has sent no emails and has only received a few which she cannot read anyway because she has not subscribed. And whilst I was there I made sure I deactivated her profile for her. I know I know, i really don't want to be doing this sort of thing although I believe if there had been something going on I would have rather found out sooner than later. So I now feel trust again! Ew. Are you serious? You really did that? You really had no right to do that. It is her who can't trust. I hope she dumps you when she realizes what you did. Link to comment
Positive_Anonymous Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 Ew. Are you serious? You really did that? You really had no right to do that. It is her who can't trust. I hope she dumps you when she realizes what you did. Thank you for your comments eternalsunrise. Im certainly not proud of what I did, I hold my hands up there! Although the alternative could have been - continuing to date her for many months or even years whilst all along she could have been on dating websites, dating other guys and cheating, only for me to find out the ugly truth one day and be seriously hurt. I was trying to save myself a lot of hurt and agony, and no one in the world has the right to deny me of that. Its happened to me before therefore I'm extra cautious and don't really want it to happen again. Sure she is a very different person and not everyone is the same and I am learning to trust again. And sure when I do tell her and if she decides to end our relationship because of that, then that is something else I would have learnt in life. That doesn't make me a bad person though. Link to comment
greywolf Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I don't think anyone is trying to say that you're a bad person. People make a lot of unwise choices and it doesn't mean that they're bad. I think the real issue here is that you need to learn how to trust. You have been hurt in the past, but that doesn't mean you should punish your current girlfriend for it. Don't let your past partners turn you into someone that you don't want to be. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 If your gf is on a dating site, she is obviously exploring her options. People in committed relationships don't advertise themselves as single on a dating site. Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 So now that you've deleted her profile without her "permission" or knowledge...are you happy? If you continue to date her, will you ever feel comfortable when she's out late at night, supposedly with friends or working late? When she's getting random texts and not telling you who they're from? As some posters have said, you have trust issues and those won't be solved by you going ahead and trying to control the means by which she could cheat...because truth is, everyone has many opportunities to cheat and where do you draw the line? Why do you choose to go behind her back deleting her dating profile rather than breaking up with her? If you had to go ahead and resort to this, do you honestly think you will ever trust her? Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I'm just wondering why your sense of security is more important than her autonomy as an independent human being? Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 It takes 2 minutes to remove or hide a profile, and she's had a week. I would talk to her, and if she still doesn't remove it, I would put up a profile, too. That's actually what my ex did. We had met on a dating site, and I was really new to dating sites so I didn't know about how to hide my profile. But I didn't want to completely take it down, since we were pretty new and what if we broke up -- there was a lot already on there I'd worked hard to create as a profile that I wouldn't have wanted to redo. Just being realistic. If I had known about the "hide" option, I'd have done it (and I'm not even sure the site had that feature while this was going on). But I kept getting all sorts of messages, and sometimes I answered them just to be polite, others I deleted, and sometimes the messages ended up being a bit entertaining. So I was on and off the site just for clean-up and whatnot. I was totally committed to him. We had many, many arguments about this even though I was totally upfront about it. I told him there was nothing but technicalities to it, and I would imagine there are sites that have other technical issues that you (OP) might not be aware of. So he put up his profile again, just as sidehop said, being very passive aggressive. I recognized spite in that, and to me that's a sign of someone being very manipulative. He also ended up "hacking" into something I'd written to a close friend and reading my private letters, in which I was starting to express doubts and mistrust of him. Which he confronted me about, saying the ends justified the means, even if he wasn't proud of them. I don't think I need to explain the irony here. Nor the irony that HE broke up with ME for being untrustworthy, ultimately. OP, I'd second what sidehop said. Truth be told, if my bf was really into me and it was clear he wanted to be exclusive, his dating profile is his business. Link to comment
ronhait Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 , you have trust issues and those won't be solved by you going ahead and trying to control the means by which she could cheat...because truth is, everyone has many opportunities to cheat and where do you draw the line? Right, this ^^ It's sort of like using a bandaid to cover up a suspicious mole that you fear might be cancer. Link to comment
Positive_Anonymous Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks for all your advice. Very much appreciated! Link to comment
eternalsunrise Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 We all have to play by the same rules. Two wrongs (one hypothetical!) don't make a right. You can't build a healthy relationship like that. You need to come clean and tell her what you've done. You'll just resort to more and more sneaky behavior if you don't draw some values-oriented boundaries for yourself. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 When I said for OP to put his profile up, I didn't mean it as passive aggressive (there were a few comments on that). I meant it as he should date other people. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 my gf was on POF...found out..confronted her..told me her and her friend did it for fun yet it showed in her profile single looking for something new...she denied it..said she would delete it..she didnt..she just deactivated it.a few weeks later she put it back up...me and my gf were having problems for a while so..it was kinda different..if nothing else is wrong with how you guy are i would let it go, if not then, maybe your gut feeling is telling you something Link to comment
ronhait Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 my gf was on POF...found out..confronted her..told me her and her friend did it for fun yet it showed in her profile single looking for something new...she denied it..said she would delete it..she didnt..she just deactivated it.a few weeks later she put it back up...me and my gf were having problems for a while so..it was kinda different..if nothing else is wrong with how you guy are i would let it go, if not then, maybe your gut feeling is telling you something You CONFRONTED her. She was *gasp* on a dating site and didn't tell you! What do you think you'll accomplish by confronting her? At best, she's just playing around for fun, odds are she's throwing a few messages back and forth just for the ego boost and at worst she's finding your replacement. Regardless, you're going to come accross as jealous, which reads as "insecure and needy" and it's not going to change the behavior and all it will do is push her away when she might have not been going anywhere. Maybe the problems you've been having are related to jealousy and insecurity? Maybe if you just enjoyed your time without worrying about her there wouldnt BE any problems? A strong secure guy would just let it go but of course keep his eyes open for the possibility of cheating because hey you never know and you never want to be blindsided. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 It just seems to me that some people strive for a level of security that is simply impossible to ever achieve. Anyone at any time can betray your trust. Fact. Whether you're with someone who likes to flirt or someone who doesn't even speak unless spoken to. Fact. Man or woman. Fact. The best we can do in life is be confident in who we are (not be confident because you have a partner, or that partner's hot/smart/etc) and trust people who show that they are most likely trustworthy. If you expect someone to never ever do anything to ever require you to actually USE that trust, then you're in for a very unhappy life, probably alone. Link to comment
ronhait Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 The best we can do in life is be confident in who we are (not be confident because you have a partner, or that partner's hot/smart/etc) and trust people who show that they are most likely trustworthy. If you expect someone to never ever do anything to ever require you to actually USE that trust, then you're in for a very unhappy life, probably alone. ^ What this guy said. I see so many posts from people who screw up a good thing because of their own insecurities. Even if they're RIGHT there's still nothing to be gained by exhibiting the jealous behavior and the insecurity may be what drove their partner into the arms of another in the first place. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME !!!!! why dont u search my thread before you come at me like that....i caught her cheating on me and she was using POF to do it..thanks nice try but sometimes your gut feelings is telling you something a strong man will be secure but a strong man will also confront what is bothering me...or relationship had gone down south and she was acting distance. I felt like she was cheating and i got proof..i never once was jealous of her i encouraged her t go out with friends male and female never said you couldnt hang out with anyone.. a weak lost puppy dog person will ignore the facts of someone cheating on them and take the abuse....im not saying in this case but in my case i was right thank you Link to comment
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