Kjv1611ad Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I been with my bf for 2 1/2 years, and the last few weeks have been really rough, fighting, etc. I felt my needs were not getting met, he felt the same, etc. Constant arguing. It came to a head Sunday evening, after arguing Saturday night. I asked him if there was any part of him that wants this to work, and he said yes. I asked him later in the conversation if he wanted to try to work things out, he said he didn't know what he wanted, and he feels like he is going to have a freaking nervous breakdown from the fighting. He said it would be nice if I gave him a few days to think about what he wanted. I said ok. I would respect his decision, and asked for a time frame, because we could go to lunch together on Wednesday and talk. He asked if we could just get lunch instead (didnt want to talk) I said I wanted to give him time to think, thats what he wanted and I didnt think lunch would be good if he did not want to talk about things. He sad "do I have to tell you right now, and me being pushy, said yes. Im so dumb. He said, well then, no. I said ok I understood. My sis told me that was stupid, I should of gone. I sent him a text today, saying " lunch is still on for Wednesday, if you want to go, just let me know." He replied with"ok!" My co workers say that is horrible advice, he asked for space he should get it, and let me know when he is ready. But I already sent it! I dont now what to do, on one hand, he didnt say yes or no, just ok, ok to letting me know, or ok to lunch? Now I am not sure what he meant, and if I should even go? I have some different options as to what to do. Wait until Wednesday, if he calls, one: go to lunch and do not talk about us at all, two: try to talk, assuming he knew I wanted to, three: tell him I assumed since I didnt hear from him we werent going to lunch and that he asked for space, I want to respect his choice... What do I do? I feel like now I was being pushy about lunch on Wednesday. I dont plan on contacting him, unless it is to tell him we arent going? I cant even tell by his response if we are or not! I know this seems trivial, but I dont want to push him father away. Link to comment
DN Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Go have lunch with him. Be cheerful and fun and don't bring up the relationship unless he does. When you say goodbye tell him you are ready to talk when he is and to give you a call. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 does the "ok!" I got from him sound like we are going? Or did it sound like it meant he will "let me know"?? I dont want to get my hopes up either. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Well, it sounds like he is prioritizing lunch with you over having 100% space. So, maybe you should go to lunch. Are you comfortable going to lunch given that he has also asked for space? Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Yes, I think so, just not sure how to act after lunch. I like the, I'm ready to talk when you are thing, I'm just afraid that will never happen, and Ill be stuck in this limbo of hanging out but not resolving our isses. Now Im just hating that I am waiting to hear from him Wednesday, if he doesnt call I will be crushed. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Yes, I think so, just not sure how to act after lunch. I like the, I'm ready to talk when you are thing, I'm just afraid that will never happen, and Ill be stuck in this limbo of hanging out but not resolving our isses. Now Im just hating that I am waiting to hear from him Wednesday, if he doesnt call I will be crushed. Yes, that's definitely a risk. I guess I would say if he does not get back to you...after a certain point you just have to be the one to step up and end things. If the amount of space and time he wants doesn't work for you and you feel like you're being left hanging for a long time, the best thing for you at that point is to end it. But, it's a little too early to worry about that now (worrying will just stress you out and put too much pressure on this lunch). Wait and see. Give it a little time...I think if you don't hear from him after lunch...after a certain point you will know when it's time for you to make the space final. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Ya, I wouldnt think he would just not want to go to lunch, he knows that would hurt me, but you never know. I hve never seen him act this way before. Link to comment
RedDress Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 To me, the "ok" means that, yes, you are "on" for lunch. I agree with DN. I think you just need to go and have a good time. Don't talk about your problems. Don't get into an argument. Just try to remember why you guys are together. I understand your concern that you don't want to keep hanging out indefinitely without the problems being addressed... but ONE lunch is not "indefinitely". It's a GOOD thing sometimes to acknowledge you have problems, take a break, enjoy life a little and THEN attack the problems. It gives you a fresh perspective. If you are worried - give YOURSELF a time frame (not him). Give yourself a week. Promise yourself NOT to talk about "us" or the "future" unless HE brings it up. If he doesn't bring it up in a week's time... THEN bring it back up. Also - don't stress too much about whether or not you should see him in the meantime. At the end of the day... what will be will be. He will either decide to work on it (yay!) and you will both be "fresh" or he won't and you are leaving anyways... right? I don't think it makes a difference. It's all games. Do what feels right. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Perfect. Just what I needed to hear! I will let you all know if I hear from him Wednesday, and how it goes. I wont talk about anything pertaining to us, have a good time, and I will just mention when leaving, that " I am ready to talk when you are, give me a call when you are ready" right? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 If you want to keep this guy in your life, I'd demo my ability to take the pressure out of my cooker and stop foot tapping with expectations. I'd back off and give the stop-watch a rest. Faster isn't better, and if you press for an outcome, you're likely to get one you didn't want. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 He sent me a text this morning asking if I made it to work ok. I am assuming I am to reply to this? (its kinda icy here today) Link to comment
DN Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Yes, I would reply - keep it friendly but short. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I said, yes I did thanks for asking! He replied with, Welcome! Wasnt expecting this ice buls**t. So........??? * * * is going on here? A text dialogue? I am thinking I should just leave it at that. He is the one that said he wanted time and space to think. I dont want to be rude, or look like I am playing games either?? *sigh* this isnt supposed to be happening to us. We are supposed to be able to talk about anything. Im upset that its happening this way. I guess the most I can expect is hopefully he will/is missing me. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 It's just a comment. I think your earlier reply was enough. I would just leave it. Textin can be hard because if you continue texting something might end up being said that gets misinterpreted. You can't convey a lot in a text. I don't think his latest text calls for a reply. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Ok, perfect,that is exactly what I will do. Thank you so much for your help! Will keep you updated with what happens tomorrow! Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Sent a text at 6:30 saying, are we still on for lunch today? I replied sure! He said ok, what time, I said What are you doing up?2. He said he went into work for a little bit. Didnt respond until later today, around 9:30 saying you dont have to drive out here if the weather is bad. We are under a winter storm warning. So we may not do lunch after all. I hate snow. Now what to do....... Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 And.....he said, I think I should be fine. Let you know how it goes..... Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 We had lunch, I didnt say anything, it went fine, he helped me go get sandbags to put in my car for the way home, as I was leaving he was just going to get in the car, and I looked at him, like, really, no hug? He hugged me, told me to be careful driving, and as I was walking away I just said, hey, just let me know when you are ready to talk. And he looked down and mumbled, ok. NOT a good response, IMO. He doesnt want to talk to me. I dont know what to do. Im really hurt. Really hurt. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 PLUS, I had to call him because I accidentally left my cell in his car, and he is having to turn around and bring it back. He didnt sound very happy. This did NOT turn out like I imagined. Maybe I should not of even went to this stupid lunch. I feel like I am going to cry. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 You would have considered it a good experience had you not crossed the line looking for a response from him. We told you to use this opportunity to demo that you could enjoy one another without attempting to control him. You couldn't resist pushing it, and you got burned for that. He probably felt good up until that point, and now he likely feels as lousy as you do. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 I did what was told, say that at the end? Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 He text and said be careful, the roads are bad, I haven't responded?? Should I? Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Well you've probably already responded by now, but I would have responded with just a quick, "thanks, you too." I don't think asking him to let you know when he's ready to talk was that bad. It seems that it made him uncomfortable so that's a sign that he's not near ready to talk. When he is, he'll call you. Only you can decide how long you will wait before opening yourself up to other opportunities. Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 I didnt. He finally text again with, did you make it home ok, and since he was asking a question, answered with, yes, thanks for asking! He said ok! This is so stupid. I feel like he doesn't want to work anything out with me. What is the deal? Can anyone give me their thoughts? I don't want to play games, I wish we could just talk, apparently he doesn't want to, but why? That part really sucks. It makes me just wanna say, forget it, ya know? It's always me having to "fix" things. Why doesn't he want to? Link to comment
Kjv1611ad Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 I'm so tempted to just tell him I'm sick of waiting around for him to decide he's ready to talk. I know this sounds emotionally charged, but maybe it is. Why do I always feel like I am the one compromising? I don't want to wIt on him anymore. It's always the same thing. Someone stop me before I do something stupid, lol. Link to comment
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