Please Help, Family Member In Trouble!

[Kinjy]

Please help!

At the moment I am very concerned about my younger sister. She has been in her current relationship for about 4 years.

What I am about to say has gone on for at least two of them.

 

A few weeks ago I met her while out shopping and asked if she fancied a coffee. She was with him shopping for a holiday and as soon as he saw me he stormed off. I haven't, as far as I know, done anything to upset him so I found this behaviour a little odd. My sister went to talk to him to try and calm him down and he started a full blown argument in the middle of a busy restaurant, screaming at her to eff off and accusing her of making a scene and yelling "why is she here, we are supposed to be shopping for a holiday!"

 

She was very upset so I bit my tongue and said nothing at the time, to avoid humiliating her further.

 

Anyway we walked to her car with her in tears. I literally had to hold her up, as she could barely walk, she was in such a state.

 

He was waiting in the car park, but stormed off again as soon as he saw I was there. My sister was distraught and in floods of tears and went after him, despite me asking her to leave him to calm down. I waited by the car and heard them arguing and then...SAW him punch her!!!

 

He stormed off again- away from me. She came running towards me, got in the car and just broke down. I tried to comfort her as best I could but she was beside herself, and certainly didn't want to talk about it. I asked her if what I had just witnessed was true and she said it was. Her arm was red and swollen. I asked her if he had done it before and she said nothing. (My mother had noticed brusies on my sister on several occasions prior to this incident, and had expressed her concerns to me.)

 

I am particularly concerned as my sister seems to be blaming herself for the way he treats her. I have tried to reassure her but to no avail, I believe he has forced every last drop of self esteem out of her, given the fact she is suffering from severe mood swings, depressed state one minute, biting my dads head off the next, but rarely happy.

 

I have spoken to my mother about this incident, against my sisters wishes and she says it only enforces what she already knew. Basically, I am stuck in a rut. I feel like I have betrayed my sisters trust by telling my parents, even though she is not aware of it, but I felt I had to, "just in case" (god forgive) she isnt so lucky next time.

 

Because of her confidence problem, I doubt she will leave him, she says she loves him, but to be honest, I believe shes scared of him, because of both physical and metal abuse (I, and my parents have heard the derogatory way he speaks to her) According to my sister though, he has horrific mood swings, nice one moment, abusive the next, and, in her words, is like Jekyll and Hyde. It is confusing her and she has said she feels like she is walking on eggshells evey time he is around.

 

I really need advice on this matter. I am terrified for her safety, and want my happy, smiley sister back. Worst of all, I know what the cause is and feel totally helpless. What can I do and what advice, or comforting words can I give to her, without laying the pressure on? My parents have tried this approach and it hasnt worked. How can I be a good sister and help her overcome this. She knows how I feel, but I feel that her worrying about me is only adding to her pain.

 

My greatest concern at the moment is the fact she is going abroad with him in a few weeks, for a fortnight. It sounds silly but I am scared she might not come back. I feel sick to the stomach with concern for her.

I know this is a long post but I felt I must describe the situation as it stands.

 

Please, if anyone can offer any advice, I would be so grateful. I NEED to help her as best I can, she is a fantastic, caring, loving person and doesn't need men like him talking advantage of that- nobody does.

 

Please help me...

[OceanEyes]

In a situation like this, only she can help herself. Of course, with the love and support of you and your family, but when it all comes down to it, she has to be the one who leaves him.

 

My sister was also being physically abused by her husband, and although she could really give back, we all knew what was going on. Tried talking to her - and him - about it several times, but it never made a difference. In the end, she always went back.

 

I know you want to do everything in your power to protect and help your sister, but if she doesn't want to help herself, then nothing will happen. Even if you were to phone the police and tell them what you've seen and all the background information, she MUST be the one to admit to it and press charges. If she doesn't, then all they have to go on is heresay from you and your family.

 

The only thing you can do is talk to your sister. A serious, open and non-judgemental talk where you really give it to her straight. Tell her that you notice a lot of changes in her and that you and your family love her very much, but that they see too many horrrible changes to stay quiet. All you can do is be there.

 

Another thing might be to speak directly to him. However, this always has the possibility of going horribly wrong. He could get very upset, thinking that she's telling you and your family what he's done, and take it out on your sister. Suggest he get some help in controlling his anger, and to direct it in other areas - anywhere but your sister.

 

How can I be a good sister and help her overcome this?

 

Just let her know you're there for her, that you understand that she loves him. He probably wasn't always an abusive pig, and from what you've said, he's probably sweet and gentle one minute, and a psycho the next. Trying to love someone like that will cause tremendous amounts of pain and confusion within your own life, hence the moodiness you see in her.

[Mun]

The only thing you can do is to tell her that you ( the family) will be there for her when she finally decides to leave him. She is the one that must help herself here. It will do no good to get everyone involved and get her away from him if tomorrow she is going to go right back.

 

Maybe you should try giving your sister examples of other abused women. Stories, something that will help her recognize herself. There is a certain shame in abuse where you know what you are going through but you don't want to admit it is happening to you. Maybe if she sees herself in other's situation and identifies will she face the truth.

 

She must be the one willing to be strong and leave him. After that she must be kept safe because some abusers tend to come back and try to attack. They don't want to let go of the victim and their feeling of control over them. I hope that your sister comes to her senses soon before it is too late.

[Kinjy]

Sorry I haven't been around to post a reply for a while. Thank you both so much for the advice. It doesn't stop me worrying about my sister but it has helped me to put the situation into perspective, and made me realise that I can only offer my support , love and a shoulder to cry on.

 

Your kind words have helped to relieve the feeling of guilt and helplessness I have had for so long, but those feelings are still there, and wiull be until she eventually has the courage to leave.

 

I am still very worried about her though, even though I realise now that there is little I can do but offer my support, which, I am finding very frustrating!

 

I am a part time photographer and often ask my sister to model for me. Shes a stunning girl who always looks fantastic on film. I also have a very good friend, who informed me about this site, and who models for me and helps with hair and make up. I had spoken to her about my concerns for my sister and she has been through a similar experience.

 

The other week I planned a photo shoot and asked my sister to model, and my friend to help with make up and hair. It was a proper girlie situation, the three of us having a giggle in my living room, while deciding what costumes and make up to do for the shoot, when my sister mentioned her partner.

 

As you know, they are going on holiday soon and she mentioned he was "being an a*sehole", about the holiday. I asked her how so but she didnt say anything, but my friend started to explain what had happened to her years ago. (She got married to a man who beat her up for the first time on their wedding night, and it continued on for quite a while- some really horrible things happened to her and eventually she saw sense and left)

 

My sister went very quiet and started to blush, and her eyes filled up. I had told my sister I had explained the situation to my friend, as I knew what she had been through in the past. My friend told her story to my sister after talking to me. I took Munecas advice and thought it might help her, but she just clammed up and didnt say anything.

 

Looking at my sister I could see she was embarrassed and I didnt want to continue the conversation, as I saw what effect it had. I know she trusts me to talk to me but she just won't. I feel like shes trying to push me out and tell me, though not in words, to mind my own business. She keeps telling me she's OK and everythings alright, but the marks on her, and the effect on her moods say otherwise.

 

I spoke to my mother again who was extremely concerned. My sister still lives with my parents, but stays with her boyfriend several times a week.

She often wanders around the house in a towel, or her underwear if shes getting ready to go out, that was always the way things were in our home; our parents didnt want us to feel ashamed of ourselves or our bodies as teenagers.

 

Anyway, my mother walked into her room the other week and my sister grabbed a towel and covered herself up. I would expect this around my dad, but not my mother. She said she noticed some large bruises on my sisters legs, where the towel had slipped and confronted my sister about it. She reacted by snapping at my mother and made some excuse about falling over when she was drunk and that it was none of her business anyway.

 

A few days later, she came in with a big bump on her forehead- she told our parents she had walked into a door, then sent me an email saying it was caused by her falling over when she was drunk. I don't think she realises her conflicting stories are giving away what she is trying to hide, and I'm not even sure she realises she is doing it.

 

My parents are angry shes lying to them, my sister is angry because she thinks everyone is poking their nose into her "business" and Im caught up in the middle of it all!

 

I just wish she would open up and talk to someone, but I think she is scared of what people will think of her. She is on edge every time I see her, even more so when she is with him, its almost like she is frightened to talk to me at all!

 

How else can I help her to see this isn't her fault? I dont want her to lie and hide away for HIM. I have tried asking an abuse victim to talk to her. Do I opt for the shock approach by showing her images of domestic abuse victims? Or will this scare her even more? Will it shock her into coming to her senses and realise what danger she is in?

 

I am very very confused...

[murrayfaces]

I understand what everyone has been saying about "she" (your sister) having to help herself, and make these conscious decisions for herself to get out. But, that's not the ONLY way out. There are several other ways out, and one of them isn't that pretty. I am sorry to be so blassé about that, but it's the truth. And it's what I had to hear from my parents which finally made me realize that I had to end it, for good, after being strangled for the last time. I'm not kidding here. I'd heard friends/family tell me for so long to get out, but I had kept everything so secretive for so long that I knew getting out would be really hard. That's what your sister is doing right now. Had I known how supportive everyone was going to be for me in getting out, then I probably wouldn't have had the crap beat out of me on the night I finally kicked him to the curb. Had I told my family more of what I was doing, then I could have saved myself one last episode. See, your sister needs to know how domestic abuse ends, and you can't spare the ghory details here. I know that sucks, and she's probably not going to be real happy with you, but if you want to her stay safe and get out of this situation, she needs to know how much everyone supports her getting out. Your parents really need to be involved in this, as does the rest of your siblings. I know it's going to be embaressing for her, but it will help her to see everything in a better light if she hears it from the people she loves, and love her back. I'm not necessarily prescribing an "intervention", although I equate abusive relationships to drug addiction. Once people are "hooked", they think they can't live without it....it becomes their life. Your sister's life has become abuse, and she doesn't see any alternative.

 

As her sister, remember these things: Just because someone abuses you, doesn't mean you don't love them. Unfortunately for some of us, we get love and abuse entangled. I never saw why people stayed in abusive relationships until I got into one. Understand that you're not going to be able to see how she could possibly love this man, but understand that she does. The abuse is just an unwanted side-effect of the love that she wants. I know it's twisted, but you have to have been there to see how it works.

 

There's so much I want to say about this topic, and I'm trying to be calm about it, but you've got to get her the heck out of there. I know, everyone says only "she" can do it, but you and your family need to be really firm when letting her know that you all know what's going on, and let her know what the real outcomes usually are: a miserable life filled with pain and abuse, or worse.

 

Sorry to come accross so bold, but this topic is something really close to my heart. I hope the best for her. Let us know how she is doing.

[murrayfaces]

I forgot to post this earlier. It is a website briefly covering one type of abusive relationship. It may or may not give you insight into what your Sister is feeling, that might help you uncover ways to help her.

 

link removed

[Kinjy]

Thank you Murray, your concern for my family means a lot and your advice has been an eye opener. Especially your mention of the "unwanted side effect". I think you've hit the nail right on the head there.

 

However my parents have kind of taken the "theres nothing we can do until she helps herself" approach. My sister is fully aware of my support and support from our parents. She has spoken to a friend of mine who unfortunately went through a similar experience to yourself.

 

It didnt work.

 

My main concern at the moment is this "holiday." She flys out on Thursday and my stomach is in knots. Worst of all, my sis is keeping her mouth firmly shut about recent events, even though I and my parents have told her how worried they are about her being alone with him in a strange country for a fortnight.

 

And Im still worried she might not come back. Personally I believe its an ideal opportunity for him to do with her what the hell he likes, and I can't get it out of my head (and my stomach) that we (my family and I) are hundreds of miles away. It really enforces that helpless feeling.

 

I have checked out that link you sent, and read your posts and PM, and I am so happy for you, finding the courage to get through a truly horrific experience. Well done!

 

I am pleased you listened to your family, I just wish my sister would listen to us!

 

Thats why I have thought about the shock therapy, the photos and stuff I mentioned before, but I am terrified I will make the situation worse, and she will stop speaking, which will only cause extra stress for my parents and for my sister- I dont' want her to feel like she can't trust me, especially at a time like this. She needs all the support as we can give her.

 

I believe my only course of action now is to wait. I just can't see another way at the moment. She knows where I am if she needs me, she has my support and knows she can stay at my house if she needs to (her partner doesnt know where I live)

 

However, if things do get bad again, and she talks to me or my family or merely mentions it, if I see another bruise or mark, I will consider taking your advice, especially after knowing it was the only thing that worked for you.

 

I want this next fortnight to pass as quickly as possible and I will be asking her to ring me every few days to make sure she's OK. My logic is telling me this, but my instinct says otherwise, if you know what I mean...

 

Murray, you said in your post there is so much you wanted to say, please...do so!

 

Is there no end to this confusion, no light at the end of the tunnel without hurting anyone?

[i_hate_the_world47]

i agree with Oceaneyes.your sister can only help herself.But i am sure she would appreciate that yur thier to help and comfort her.Eventually she will wake up and make the right decision.Right now she is probably distraught.I hope everything works out for you and your siter.Good luck.

 

~meagan~