Irial Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I wonder the same thing sometimes. Not specifically about my ex, because I have understood that he must have moved on while we were still together so that's why he's already over us now, but in general also about dumpees. It's not like I don't see how that's convenient and helps feeling better faster, so if there's a trick on how to move on that fast and being ready to date somebody else AND being able to love them and care for them in a long-term way, I'd like to hear it! I myself think I'm going to stay single for quite a while. Of course I can't tell for sure, but this is my guess if the situation stays as it is now. It's not that easy for me to find somebody I REALLY like, enough that I want to go for a serious relationship with them. But honestly it's fine with me, I'm taking my time and doing things my way. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I actually had a conversation with my friend about this last night. When she gets dumped, she just throws her emotions away and says "i'm done" instead of analyzing, reflecting, being sad, etc... She said to me last night that a year and a half later from her breakup, she still feels sad and she thinks it is because she just jumped into another relationship and/or didn't reflect and just pushed those emotions somewhere else. Yes, and this can go for the dumper and the dumpee both. I just don't think it's the dumper who moves on so quickly (though that may be more common). The dumpee will also run into the arms of someone else for that comfort. Of course, there are exceptions, but jumping into another relationship after a serious one seems like total emotional avoidance to me. I think a good portion of breaksup happen because one person isn't "ready." Example: my friend dated a divorced guy for a few months, it seemed like he was completely smitten with her, like it was going to get serious. However, he had just gotten divorced within the year, and realized that he still hadn't dealt with all the baggage from his marriage and broke up with her. I think he THOUGHT he was ready, but actually wasn't at all. Link to comment
kuteknish Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Example: my friend dated a divorced guy for a few months, it seemed like he was completely smitten with her, like it was going to get serious. However, he had just gotten divorced within the year, and realized that he still hadn't dealt with all the baggage from his marriage and broke up with her. I think he THOUGHT he was ready, but actually wasn't at all. My ex had just suddenly lost his father 4 months prior to meeting me, although he had a crush on me for about 8 months before we met... In hindsight, it seemed like he thought he was ready to be in a relationship, but he was depressed and grieving... Our relationship felt very good for a long time.. but then as soon as it became "comfortable", those feelings of sadness came back and he realized he really wasn't ready to be a relationship... sucks for me.. and I do hope he is doing things now on his own to reflect, heal & progress... not just let me go because he couldn't give me what I need because he couldn't give himself what he needed... Link to comment
GotMyLifeBack Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Very interesting thread. Here are my thoughts. I'm going to refer to the new "love" interest as she or her so I don't have to do the he/she thing. Unless we have known her for a significant time before dating her, she is simply a blank slate onto whom we project our fantasies. I think that's what being "in love" means, and because it only requires imagination, it's easy to fall "in love" if we aren't busy trying to learn and grow from a recent BU. Ever notice on these boards how many relationships end within 1 1/2 to 2 years? My opinion is that the fantasy can't be maintained much beyond that point. By this time, we have a much more accurate picture of who she really is, and it turns out she isn't the one we thought she was. Either we get disillusioned and give up (or she does!), or we get busy loving her with all of her faults and wonderful qualities. If she gives up or we do, we continue the cycle by finding a new person who, lo and behold, is our newest fantasy that will again eventually disappoint me. The couples I admire most are the ones who move beyond in love fantasies and develop loving attachments based on really knowing each other. Just my opinion. Link to comment
pennyloafer2 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I think fantasies can last more than 2 years. Mine lasted longer than that. And some people give up/settle and are afraid of being alone so they stay in relationships even longer. Who knows, I can't really be the judge of other people's hearts. But I agree there is a distinct difference betweenn a young relationship where you are beginning to feel love and an aged one full of mutual understanding and acceptance. Link to comment
infinitesigma Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I dated a girl some years back. We were together for almost a year and she treated me absolutely amazing. At the time, I would like to think I did as well but in reflection there was a lot more that I could have contributed. I ended the relationship as I felt she wasn't right for me. Within three weeks I ended up getting into a relationship with someone else. At the time, I had no guilt about starting a new relationship so soon. The ex did find out about it through mutual friends and was extremely hurt, but being the selfish person I was back then I didn't really care. Well that relationship quickly flamed out with her ending it and it turned out to be a pretty bad breakup as it took me a year to get through it (I guess karma does have its way). After some time had passed, I became ashamed for my behavior. I also realized that it was the new freedom that had caused me to jump into a new relationship so quickly. I learned a lot from that period and realized some behavior of mine that I was not proud of nor thought I could display. I forced myself to take a break and I didn't end up dating anyone for three years, using that time to get myself back into check. To this day, I am still ashamed about how everything went down, especially showing no regard for someone that had treated me with nothing but consideration, kidness and respect. I lost a great person in my life and any chance of reconciliation because of my actions. She (the first ex) is now in a great relationship with someone that she truly deserves. I'm deeply happy for her. With all that, my jump was because of the new freedom I had. I guess it's similar to someone winning the lottery that never had a lot of money to begin with. Within a few years or less it's all gone. They get caught up in it and lose their true being. The same happened to me. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I'm the dumpee. I went strict NC for 6 months out of a 10 month relationship. So I guess I was fully healed. I moved onto a new a relationship after 2 dates. I knew him for more than a year. So I guess, it depends how you feel about someone else and what you learned from your last relationship. I learned a lot about myself, how I feel, what I see myself, and what I want. All thanks from the of ENAers! Am I moving too fast? Probably. Then again, I feel happy with myself and my life and that's what is important. Link to comment
kuteknish Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 thank you for sharing your story... if she wasn't in a new relationship, would you have tried to reconcile with her? How long after you got into this new relationship did it fizzle out? Link to comment
infinitesigma Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 thank you for sharing your story... if she wasn't in a new relationship, would you have tried to reconcile with her? How long after you got into this new relationship did it fizzle out? At the time, with the way I handled everything reconciliation wasn't even an option set by her. As a few years went by after all that happened, there were still moments that I had wished that door was open. Moving to now, I don't have those thoughts anymore as all of us have moved on. But from time to time I reflect back to the time with her and smile. Like I said she was, is, a great girl and treated me with all the best of herself. The "new" relationship lasted about three months. It was a wildfire type of relationship that started intensely and fast, but died as quickly as it started. Honestly, in retrospect, it was a mistake to be with her. She was not my type and did not treat me well at all - cheated, manipulated and played me like a yo-yo (like I said, karma...). I think the excitement is what attracted me to her. She is now married. Link to comment
Starrgrl Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I really think it depends on how much the relationship meant to you and how much you actually cared. My ex ex I went out for 10ish months. When I dumped him, moving on was a breeze, like I felt nothing at all. I didn't shed one tear. I felt relieved. This time. It's been 6 months post BU (I'm the dumper again). I'm still not completely over him (though this relationship lasted longer). But this is the guy I fell hard for. And he was the *first* guy I ever truly loved. The amount of pain I experiences, the nights I have laid in bed awake, the times I have cried, the times I have felt like dying... I've lost count. So yeah. It really does depend on the relationship itself. Though I DO find it effed up when ppl move on within like 4 months after a longgg relationship. It's like, rebound much? Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Or when they move on a month Before you're slated to move out?? Yeah...don't worry, I'm very happy being out of the fire!!! Link to comment
GotMyLifeBack Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Stargrl, my ex got into a relationship within a month of the end of our year and a half relationship. I thought I got dissed until I came to ENA and found story after story of exes getting into new relationships weeks, even DAYS after the BU, and it's not always the case that these new relationships had started pre-BU. I know everyone's different but geez. Link to comment
Starrgrl Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I know how it feels. Well my ex is a compulsive liar and cheat so =( You feel. So disposable. It's like. Did our relationship mean NOTHING? Am I the only one that ended up falling and caring? You feel. So replaceable. It hurts. Link to comment
Starrgrl Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 But then again. Moving on does not equate to getting into a new relationship. Cos some ppl are still hung up over their exs for years after they break up. They just hide it. Link to comment
johnm3 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 yeah I don't think dating others is indicative of 'moving on', I think it shows a willingness to distract yourself from coping with grief. but all situations are different. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 It's interesting reading everyone's opinions and stories on this thread! I'm enjoying it. I think it just goes to show that hindsight is always 20/20. While we're in the moment, it's difficult to see what's actually going on, because its all real, but we aren't able to understand our motives at the time. Also, I agree with the poster who said it's much harder to move on from someone you truly, deeply loved, whether you're the dumper or the dumpee. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 yeah I don't think dating others is indicative of 'moving on', I think it shows a willingness to distract yourself from coping with grief. but all situations are different. I don't think so either. I am moving on, but not doing it by dating anyone. Moving on, to me, means feeling like I don't have that empty space in my heart anymore where he used to be. Instead, I've filled it up with things that make me happy in other ways. It means I've cut the emotional cord that was once connected to him. Link to comment
johnm3 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I don't think so either. I am moving on, but not doing it by dating anyone. Moving on, to me, means feeling like I don't have that empty space in my heart anymore where he used to be. Instead, I've filled it up with things that make me happy in other ways. It means I've cut the emotional cord that was once connected to him. I agree wholeheartedly; if you're able to fill your own gap without any help from romantic partners, I'd say you are in a much better position than someone who relied on someone else for their happiness, for they will always be dependent on others. and if the past three months of my life has taught me anything... it's that you can only depend on yourself! Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I agree wholeheartedly; if you're able to fill your own gap without any help from romantic partners, I'd say you are in a much better position than someone who relied on someone else for their happiness, for they will always be dependent on others. and if the past three months of my life has taught me anything... it's that you can only depend on yourself! Yes! And I feel like if you can fill up that "space" on your own, you're in that much of a better place for when you DO meet a special person. I think I will actually attract someone of much high quality in this state, instead of finding someone because I feel sad, lonely or want sex. You should always be able to take care of yourself, but it's OK to lean on others. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 You feel. So disposable. It's like. Did our relationship mean NOTHING? Am I the only one that ended up falling and caring? You feel. So replaceable. It hurts. This is exactly how I'm feeling... as if my ex never really cared about me Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Yes! And I feel like if you can fill up that "space" on your own, you're in that much of a better place for when you DO meet a special person. I think I will actually attract someone of much high quality in this state, instead of finding someone because I feel sad, lonely or want sex. You should always be able to take care of yourself, but it's OK to lean on others. I also think, this time alone, after a relationship is very important for your personal growth, you learn such a great lesson about yourself...people (dumpers/ dumpees) who jump from one relationship to the next, with little or no real time in between, just miss it, miss the time to grow or learn from the mistakes they made in the past relationship...I guess, while we grow, learn from our mistakes and turn into better people, they just stay the same... It depends on the situation, but I think jumping to the ext relationship so fast, sometimes is a sign of weakness and the missing ability to stay alone, to be happy on your own...and as said before, it does depend on the character as well. I have a friend, who never stayed alone more than 1 month after a break up, even after a 5 year ltr...but for her it seems to work out, she got together with her now husband only two weeks after a break up of a 9month relationship...they have been together for 3 years before they got married last year in May... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks for giving an insight to your story, it's great to read it from a dumper's point of view and it shows, even though it sometimes seems so very easy for dumpers to move on, that's mostly not the case... sooner or later their feelings of missing the dumpee or regretting their behaviour show up again, whether the dumpers let the dumpees know about their emotions, is a different story though... Your story reminds me a lot of my ex...I hope, one day, he 'll realize, too, what he lost and that he didn't behave correctly to me... Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I understand how you fell out of love with your last boyfriend. That's often how it goes. But, with your new boyfriend, don't you find it kind of improbable that this person who just decided to hook up with because you wanted to have sex, has turned into love? Most people are lucky to find love once in a lifetime, and you're claiming to have found it back-to-back. I think it's very easy to find someone you like, feel comfortable with, and how that lead into deeply caring about them. But -- no offense -- that seems more like a relationship out of convenience. I hope you don't find what I'm saying insulting, because that's not my intention! Just trying to understand. maybe that's just how we're culturally engrained to think... i mean...what if the social ideals that have been handed down to us aren't all that accurate? what if it's possible to love MANY people? i certainly see that as realistic. seems like (in western culture especially) we've been programmed to identify with this notion of ONE person...of one true love...of a soulmate. i'll be the first to admit...i don't get it. i can't even begin to fathom the prospect of having one true love. it's like a blue screen of death in my head. i completely freeze up. seems so unnatural to me. i can see moving on...finding someone new...as a means to escape. it happens all the time. not to say that's always the way it goes. but it definitely happens. but does that mean it's ALWAYS an escape? maybe it's not an escape at all. maybe this new person just fits. what if the end to one cycle opens the door for something new? maybe it has nothing to do with following the prescription for healing. what if the timing pays no attention to that. what if someone walks into your life a day after you breakup...and that person is completely worthy of your love? are we expected to pass that up...because it doesn't fit this notion of what's accepted? it's bizarre. i don't pretend to understand it. great question though, pillowtalk. i always thought you were a guy for some reason...lol. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 No, I don't believe in "one, true love" either. Completely possible to love many people. I can say that I have had love for every man that I have dated, however I've only really been IN love once, and there really is a huge difference between the two. Mainly that I found when I was in love, I constantly thought about the future with him, marriage, etc., this person inspired me and made me better person. With the other guys, though I was happy and did love them, I didn't think about those things. I was just happy with the way things were, never really thinking about the future. So, yes, I think it's possible to find many, many people that you deeply care about (love). But being in love is much rarer in my opinion. And, to be honest, once you experience that kind of love, it's really hard to settle for anything less. But, like I said, everyone is different, and what works for one person might not for another. All I know is, for myself, I can't settle for less than something amazing, which is why I find it incredible that people can go from one relationship to another one so quickly, because that kind of connection is very rare, IMO. Link to comment
kuteknish Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Also, I agree with the poster who said it's much harder to move on from someone you truly, deeply loved, whether you're the dumper or the dumpee. I would like to think that my ex (the dumper) is/had a hard time for a short while because whether or not he could admit it, he loved me, but he has this fictional idea of "love" and didn't think that he felt it.. (his parents were in a loveless marriage and all his friends had been highschool sweethearts -- so he expected love to come instantly, not through growing in a relationship together).. I say for a short while because he was what I call a "stuffer" .. he would stuff all his emotions down down down until they disappear on the outside... so while I think it appears that he has moved on or is OK with life now, I think he feels deep feelings of guilt, regret & sadness.. I see this, because I know him well, but since he's so good at hiding things, i'm sure his "friends" don't. Link to comment
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