How people can move on so fast?

[90_hour_sleep]

probably have to agree with you there. i understand completely why people jump into new relationships...but i tend to be skeptical that they've found that ''connection'' that you speak of. but then...how would i know. i don't walk around in other peoples' shoes most of the time.

 

from what i've learned...the ''connection'' doesn't typically happen overnight. even if there's a passion...a strong physical connection...a common denominator of some kind that makes the initial excitement more intense...that real sense of 'love'...maybe what you describe as 'in love'...that's based on growth together. of course...that's opening a whole new can of worms. my basis for love won't be the same as yours...or whoever else's. it's all based on experience.

 

maybe that's another side to this question you've posed. if your perspective on 'in love' is open to interpretation...then perhaps it's easier to jump around. there's no one difinitive sense of what it means. one could argue that it's much simpler to 'find' something that is far less defined. when it's defined...it's easier to know when it doesn't fit. if that makes any sense. it's like...we've pre-emptively excluded so many possibilities by defining it. we're less willing to move to something that doesn't provide fullfilment of our ideal. maybe...we just know what we want...and we stick to our guns.

[Lonewing]

If this were true, then there wouldn't be so many stories here on EA from people bent over backwards in tears over the end of their relaitonship. I think having many relationships slowly destroys the compassion in the human spirit and turns it into a selfish "Me First" being out to get it's own, the world be damned.

[90_hour_sleep]

If this were true, then there wouldn't be so many stories here on EA from people bent over backwards in tears over the end of their relaitonship. I think having many relationships slowly destroys the compassion in the human spirit and turns it into a selfish "Me First" being out to get it's own, the world be damned.

 

you could be onto something here. i guess it depends on the relationships...the people involved. some people are very good at letting go. and i don't mean this in the sense that they're cruel about it....that they're cold heartless wretches that are incapable of feeling the pain of loss. they've just come to understand that there are very natural closing cycles in life. nothing lasts forever...and to attempt to hold onto something that has run it's course can be excruciating (for both involved).

 

''me first''. no argument on that one. our world is very much in a state of ''me first'' as it stands. ''what about me...?'' ''the ME plan.'' it really is all about me. but i ask...is it really selfish to close the door on a relationship that truly isn't working...just for the sake of not hurting someone? perhaps there are instances where it's warranted. but really...how can the relationship thrive if it's not based on somekind of equality? now...i'm not talking about the little ups and downs that will inevitably occur. i'm talking the big stuff...the things that for whatever reason just aren't going to work. i think we can all agree that there are instances like that...especially in unions that haven't explicitly expressed a wish to remain a couple...to stick it out through thick and thin.

 

completely agree that ''me first'' throws up a barrier to basic human goodness...and compassion. how could it not.

 

i guess the other thing worth discussing would be those that can't let go. does that inability to let go justify the notion that the relationship shouldn't have ended? because one person is so thoroughly attached...the other should remain? of course it doesn't. there would always be an imbalance in the relationship. it would be stifled.

 

and besides...letting go...feeling the pain of attachment...clinging to hope desperately...THESE are the things that bring release. they bring freedom. they bring the skills to allow pain to dissolve by feeling it. they teach us that we are generally the cause of our own suffering because we refust to let go. we resist with everything we have...and it makes us miserable. we don't WANT to let go...because we're attached the feeling of wanting. THESE things...they build compassion. they build a sense of tenderness for others. by experiencing these things...we learn to understand pain...to know pain for ourselves in our own hearts. we know the suffering of others, because we've been there ourselves. the 'death' of a relationship is not something to be feared...even though we all do it. all things die. can you imagine never having your heart broken...of experiencing that death? can you imagine never having felt that pain? it would be impossible to comprehend. breakups aren't the problem. crumbling relationships aren't the problem. the 'problem' is our steadfast conviction that some things should not end. we fear 'death' in any sense of the word...death of all things. we work tirelessly to avoid it. but it's impossible.

 

but you're right...it doesn't seem possible. how can it be true. it's not the norm...that's for sure. so...if it's not the norm...does that mean it's false? does the majority always know best? because billions of people are hurting...and attached...and hopelessly stuck...what does that mean? the outside perspective is always difficult to see...because it challenges what is commonly believed as 'truth'...or 'justice'.

[Nothisdoormat]

I agree, Pillowtalk,

 

I'd really have to question if I truly loved someone if I could move on from them with ease and without skipping a beat.

 

Since my ex dumped me and has seemed to "obsess' about me since the breakup, I have no choice other than believe it was an "addiction" and not real love although he has claimed to have loved me for over 20 years. A love of that kind of depth and longevity would certainly not wake up suddenly one day and "walk away" and "fall in love" with someone else.

 

...Or did I miss something?...

 

 

 

I guess I just don't understand how you can go from loving one person to loving another so quickly, because when I love someone romantically, they hold my heart completely, and there isn't room for anyone else in there.

[DaveTrump]

people go from one relationship to another to fill the void. they're almost incapable of being alone or without a partner to worship.

 

All your achieving is more baggage that one day will eventually spill over, because it hasn't been dealt with.

 

People need to step back, heal, learn, and grow before trying to date again.

 

I guess if you're not really into commitment then going from one to the other is fine. These kind of needy people that gotta have a partner all the time should spare time for their friends as well. Otherwise the relationship will just run out of steam.

 

Of course, the dumpee will just be wondering what he/she did wrong... "I did everything for him/her"..."I was always there for him/her"..."he/she won't find better" These kind of protests are just proof that you can have too much of a good thing. Being at someones beck and call 24/7 is not going to get you anywhere. A respectful, BALANCED, fun relationship is what it's all about.

[Lonewing]

But you see, I HAVE met those people who have never experienced that breakup; they have never had that loss; they married their first sweetheart, and after 50, 75 yeas, they’re still together. And while there has been ups and downs, they are still very happy people. Conclusion? You don’t Have to experience these things first hand to know just how painful they are – Truly smart people never experience everything first hand to truly appreciate what they have already, or know somehtin g[like drugs] is stupid. Rather, they have the conscince to learn by other's mistakes, by what they read, by their parent's lessons, and by adulthood have developed the maturity to work through their relationship difficulties.

 

To work through a difficulty, it means one person must have the maturity to recognize something that is not healthy for the union, and to either remove it or suppress it. For example, one partner may like frequenting strip clubs – but since the other partner does not approve of this behavior, then for the sake of the union this behavior is best ceased – and guess what – the result is a person who engages in healthier [as in, more positive] behavior by not being in that crowd any more. Another partner may like spending forever until there’s no money left – and for the sake of the union, that behavior is best suppressed. As a result, the personal discipline developed as a result has personal benefits beyond just improving the union.

 

This idea that ‘nothing lasts for ever’ is the beginning of a long slippery slope of copouts for giving in to self-defeatist behavior. NOBODY can succeed against a person who has subscribed to a self fulfilling prophecy, for when the going gets tough, they will pull these cards out and simply say ‘see, it’s been true all along – Rejoice! - Goodbye!!” And I know this by first hand experience!!! That woman is currently STILL screwing up, even though she’s now with another man who loves her, I’m sure, as much as I ever loved her. But she’s not capable of the internal discipline that is required to be in a permanent LTR.

 

Self Discipline is one of the best reflections of internal character, whereas the stronger one is within, the more likely they will not reneg their commitments. And the more giving in to “natural” copouts, the easier it becomes to give up on ideals, moral values, ethics, and the end result is I want it all for “ME!!” Because honestly speaking, when you no longer have the purpose of living by others, through others, and as a community, who do you have left? – YOU, The Individual!

 

It is indeed impossible to avoid death – but the healthier we live our lives, and this is in every regard [mentally, physically, spiritually, communally, individually], the longer we will avoid death by naturally feeling better about ourselves and each other. There’s no secret that those people who are together live longer than those who are single – that study came out a few years ago. We know things can’t continue forever, but to give up easy is one of the greatest social fears of all – Suicide is perhaps one of the most painful ways to lose another human being. The only worst behavior is reckless or serially malicious behavior, hence why we have so many laws against drunk behavior or murderers, rapists and whatnot.. And I regard relationship suicide the same way. Weak, stupid, self-centered, and entirely selfish.

[DooWop]

Then there's people like me, who even though there are men who would date me, I have no interest in them. I have never been one to date someone just to have someone around. Unless I REALLY like them, I just don't bother. So therein lays my question: how do people find people they genuinely like and connect with so often? I've never understood people who jump from relationship to relationship, because it seems impossible to find so many people you actually WANT to be with in a meaningful way.

 

Are MY standard too high? Can some people just not be alone? Standards too low?

 

I'm the same with you. I ended our relationship because he was missing his ex all the time when we were together. Three weeks ago he came to apologize for not treating me well and wanted to get back together. Two weeks ago he wrote email saying he finally understood and accepted the fact that I did not want to be together again. One week ago I found him with another woman. I understand I am in no position to question him and I should not waste my time on something I can not help, but it really makes me feel very sad. It makes me believe he's never really been in love with me. Now those sweet moments of our relationship seem so fake to me.

 

He's that kind of person who jumps from one relationship to another very quickly. I had thought I could be the one to break this chain. He had said I was the best woman he'd ever met, our relationship was the best one he'd experienced, and he just needed time to get over his ex. It turned out I was just one of the rings on his chain. I guess he's saying the same sweet things to his new girlfriend now, and I am sitting here typing this post because my heart still aches.

[jazgal]

I've wondered the same thing for years and I am just like you. I am never with a guy unless I really REALLy like him...and thats soo rare. I was googling this..and came accross your post which sounded just like ME...hah! I'm glad I'm not the only one with the same thoughts...i just find it soo weird...my ex cheated on me with a girl and then got married to another girl within in 6 months. His wife is nothing like me...however, when they were dating he tried to take me out for dinner..which was also weird....

[isthisreallife]

I cannot seem to manage to move on that quick because I really give my heart and fight for it. I don't give up that easy even if I try. However, depends both ways how much you like the person because there have been people I walked away from without much thought. You have to consider that despite what you were told, the person moving on quickly isn't that into you anymore. There are also people who just do things for convenience and tell you sweet nothings in the moment until you start fighting or having emotional issues, or simply they never were that into you so when a hotter prospect comes along you're history. It may have just been perfect timing too. Right when things got tough, enter new prospect. Unfortunately I guess that's life.

 

A guy I've dated twice now did this to me and it has broken my heart and hurt my self esteem. He said so many times he loved me, etc but in my heart I knew he is not capable to stand the test of time. Does that make him selfish? I guess not, he's just trying to be happy in this short life. He cannot deal with conflict of any sort. He's a man of beginnings. This has happened twice now, it leaves me in a mess each time because we spend so much intimate time and I give my heart, then one day things change you know and I know precisely why, he met someone else.

 

It can happen to anyone but I'm extremely careful not to do that to someone.

 

If anyone has advice for me, I'd appreciate it. I'm again heart broken and he has my heart.

[isthisreallife]

Also, usually the person who likes the person less has the upper hand in walking away.