Successful stories for getting back together after 'being friends' with the ex?

[Mills]

i still consider myself "friends" somewhat with my ex... but to an extent. we RARELY hang out, and we only talk if he contacts me.. so maybe every few days... this has been a recent thing, up until about a week ago it was always me contacting him. now i let him do all the contacting. i used to ask him to hang out, i dont anymore. i dont want to fall too far into the deep "friends zone", if you know what i mean. i feel as though im walking a fine line.

[DanUK]

Two of my best friends broke up, this girl is the person I talk to about everything. Other is a lad I've known 6-7years. They are so mad at each other and never talk to each other. Always tell me how they feel but IF they did get back together it wouldn't be for awhile. They still think about ringing each other but either of them pick up the phone. Told my ex that I didn't want us to end up like that. She argeed.

[perio]

I have remained friends with most of my exes. I have returned to a relationship with a couple of them. In those cases, a time of detachment occurred and then simply fell back into a relationship because a series of positive shared experienced sent sparks flying again.

[GloomySoul]

Well, this is all complicated. I think being friends with an ex may not work unless the two agree on letting things come naturally. It's like making friends again, but to see whether the buried feelings can come out all over again especially after a lot of drama has been done. It has to be a deal so you both know your limits and respect each others' feelings. You don't have to have high expectations, just be prepared for any chances of failure coming, but at least this way you will be able to communicate in a more comfortable way with your ex to explore the chance of getting back together rather than just cutting all ties because it's not guaranteed as well.

[GloomySoul]

Doesn't this mean that you are expecting something out of the friendship you two are working on?

Did you or your ex initiate this step? And what was the deal when you two started being friends? Also, what are the limits between you guys? Is dating others is an open option for both of you or you're just focusing on each other?

[kuteknish]

In the past, I wanted to stay friends with my ex.. because I was the one who lost feelings for them & 'dumped' them...

Now it's the other way around... I had the idea in my head that if we don't remain friends, then there is no chance of us ever getting back together.. but I am realizing, this is so not true.. you NEED to be apart and change and better yourself, for your own benefit, and if you ever get back together, for each other... you cannot do that as friends and one person will always feel more for the other friend.

 

I realized this when I got frustrated that he didn't want to grab a drink one night... would I get that angry at my girlfriend and make a big deal? no, not at all.. I'd say "ok" and leave it at that... with him, I got angry, upset & frustrated (not when I talked to him) and realized.. Ouch, I cannot be friends with him.. too many emotions !

[MrSoAndSo2009]

People talk about this all the time, and every situation is unique, but I can tell you that it is very rare that 'being friends' would ever lead to romantic reconciliation. The problem usually ends up being that one of the two people ends up "carrying the torch" of the friendship, meaning that there's an imbalance that leads to one person wanting more than the other, adding more and more salt to the already vulnerable abandonment and rejection wounds. Additionally, being "just friends" is usually a cop-out -- it is a way to keep the other person in one's life without dealing with the underlying cause of the break-up, and it is a way to avoid the feelings of emptiness associated with the separation.

 

Quite often, the person who ends the romantic relationship will continue a pseudo-friendship until he/she finds a new romantic partner. Then, the other person is abandoned again, leading to more hurt and anger.

 

All in all, it adds up to a bad idea in the majority of cases.

 

 

 

Hi folks!

 

As you can all see I'm new to ENA. I'd like to hear about any successful stories for people who got back together with their exes after staying in touch and being friends for a period of time. This includes whether it's you personally or someone else you know. And please include details of the story like who left who, how long they have been together, ...etc and specifically how the situation did proceed right after break-up...

 

I know that it's not recommended to be friends, but just want to know.

 

I appreciate all inputs. Thanks.

[perio]

I think the key is that you have to truly detach. If it makes your pulse race to be with them, its too early for friendship. That friendship should be light. I was even ably to encourage an ex to date and then take her dates side when she complained about them. I think the friendship should ne pretty loose in most cases also. One ex I remained friends with actually said she wanted to "resubmit my application". I said no. If your really not detached then you are not being a true and honest friend. Most of the women I dated were wonderful people that you couldn't help but like and respect. It was easy to be friendly and keep in touch as long as there was emotional detachment.

[perio]

I wish I could be on a friendly stance with my ex. It's not that I haven't detached.. I have in fact did so. I don't understand why she is in strict NC. I Care about some very heavy family health and legal issues. I was so involved and now don't get even an update. I guess she is afraid of stirring up emotions or her current boyfriend would feel threatened. I don't know. I'm happily involved at this point with a wonderful woman. It's just odd that she went on and on about keeping in touch because of those issues but now has changed her mind. Really odd that the one time I feel a desire to stay in the loop loosely, the ex shuts down. I guess when you want something its not there and when its not important, the "friendship" is there.

[SethSLC]

Doesn't this mean that you are expecting something out of the friendship you two are working on?

Did you or your ex initiate this step? And what was the deal when you two started being friends? Also, what are the limits between you guys? Is dating others is an open option for both of you or you're just focusing on each other?

 

It started after about 2-3 months of no contact. We work together, so that made NC difficult, but pretty much I just turned and walked away if she tried to talk to me unless it was work related. One day a couple weeks before everyone was leaving for their Christmas vacations she snapped at me over a work potluck food thing and said basically "Can't we just be civil and get along?". I thought about it that night and the next day and came to the conclusion that I'd give it a shot since I did feel happier when we were getting along and there wasn't all that tension. So the next day I said hi and smiled at her, the day after we said a few more words to each other, and the next day even more, so on and so on until 2 weeks passed and on the day before we both were leaving town for vacation she spent about 2 hours in my office just chatting. On our vacations we ended up texting back and forth constantly all day long for a week. She said a few things that gave me pause such as "You've given me a lot to think about this week." and "The past 3 weeks have been surreal.". We came back from vacation and things kept going how they were going. Basically it kind of has a mind of its own. She's now inviting me out to do stuff just the two of us, and we're going night snowboarding later this week just the two of us. She's asked if we're moving too fast, we've both told the other that we can't seem to resist the other person, etc etc...

 

So ya, we started out just being friendly. It has progressed all on its own without either of us scheming or planning out our next move I don't think (at least I haven't). I will say this though...

 

While being friendly and starting out as "friends" again we have maintained a level of flirting. Pet names, asking for hot tub leading to Polar Bearing pics, some physical touching at work (an arm brush here, a butt / hip bump there, a wink etc etc etc). I don't know if its because its her or if its just how I am, I think its more of the latter. That I can't help but be flirty when I'm single with women I find attractive. So while being friends it has been pretty obvious according to those around us that there is much deeper feelings going on so we're both aware of that. Maybe that is part of the equation too. That you have to flirt some and have underlying sexual tension and attraction.

 

While all this has gone on I've firmly kept in mind the mindset that I had when we were NC which is: "If she ever comes back great, but if not then that is great too" and I completely and fully believe it. If she were to come up to me today and say "it's never going to happen" I would be able to smile and say "ok cool" and be perfectly fine. That is HUGE...can't stress that enough, that mindset. It's not nonchallant because I do want it and do care which path comes to pass, but if its not the path I want then it won't break me at all

 

Hope some of that makes sense?

[GloomySoul]

Makes complete sense. I'm happy things are going well with you two. I guess the connection is obviously playing its part here and is pushing things to work on their own. I got what you exactly mean now by having no expectations. I wish I could get to that point where if we got back together it's great, but if not it's fine as well. My ex and I go to the same college and are studying the same major. NC is kind of hard too because we have to meet a lot there. Recently, I have disagreed on being friends with my ex, but I'm thinking of re-establishing that again. I would try just going with the flow having no expectations, but now that I have shut the door on that I don't know how to reach out again so it's a bit messy right now because last time we had an argument that didn't end up very well. Do you suggest anything? Just a side note, next semester will be after 2 months so I think I will go NC for now.

[kuteknish]

It started after about 2-3 months of no contact. We work together, so that made NC difficult, but pretty much I just turned and walked away if she tried to talk to me unless it was work related. \

 

Seth.. let me ask you this...how challenging was it to walk away from her and ignore or disregard her? I am doing my best to not run into my ex, avoid the gym at times he 'might' go, but inevtibly, I can't plan everything, and realize that I need to go back to NC as opposed to meaningless chit-chat we have...

[SethSLC]

Seth.. let me ask you this...how challenging was it to walk away from her and ignore or disregard her? I am doing my best to not run into my ex, avoid the gym at times he 'might' go, but inevtibly, I can't plan everything, and realize that I need to go back to NC as opposed to meaningless chit-chat we have...

 

Hardest thing I've ever done at first. But soon it became easier. It isn't any different than what happens when you move on from any breakup, in fact it's the same. It becomes about turning what happened from a "Villain Story" where the Ex is the villain because "How could they do this to you!?" and you're the victim who was hurt and wronged into a "Hero Story" where you have been presented with an opportunity to use what happened as a learning experience and grow from it. It is all about how strong you are mentally and maturity wise.

 

I didn't plan, game, manipulate, or do anything other than make the choice that I was done with her. I moved on. As I reached the third month, 6th after breaking up, I didn't even think about her unless I saw her in the office, but since I'm a programmer where I work I rarely need to leave my cube so really I hardly saw her ever. I kept my headphones on and didn't hear her voice a few cubes down and pretty much by the end of the 3rd month it was like she didn't exist to me. My life was back to happy and normal again with the exception of all the changes I'd made after working on myself. I dated, flirted with girls again, went out with my friends, did all the things I used to always do plus a whole lot more new stuff that I'd added. Basically while I still loved her (I always will no matter what takes place for the rest of my life) I was over her.

 

You can't treat this like some plan of attack to getting someone back. All I'm saying is that you have to truly let go. If its not real and if you really don't let go and move on I don't think you stand a chance because your emotions and baggage is still there under the surface, and while you might not realize it I believe it has a huge effect on what you do, your body language around them, your actions and your thoughts. You have to be completely over them. But you can still love them. There is a difference.

[SethSLC]

 

The same thing I've always suggested, and most others do too, and that is to get over her. Truly and honestly get over her. You don't have to stop loving her, you can do what I did which is to take that love and put it away in your heart, but you have to really be over her and over the relationship. Over any thought or hope of something in the future. When you get to that point then I think you can decide if you want to reestablish contact with her / him on some deeper level than just a "Hi how ya doin?".

[dumPI]

Bump ... for that.

 

I completely agree on the Ex-Villain vs. Me-Hero story. I think that is the right mindset. You just can win her back when you are not afraid of losing her. And NC helps us knowing that we indeed CAN live without them in our lives. So if there is another shot it's not out of being needy or desperately wanting it. It's more a matter of new timing, two different people, different stages.

[Puo]

There really has to be a significant amount of nc b4 anything can happen. My ex and I hadn't spoken for four years until Monday. I had dated other people, so did she. Now we're becoming friendly again, and I'm taking her out to dinner Friday. This never would have happened if we had tried to move on from each other

[dumPI]

There really has to be a significant amount of nc b4 anything can happen. My ex and I hadn't spoken for four years until Monday. I had dated other people, so did she. Now we're becoming friendly again, and I'm taking her out to dinner Friday. This never would have happened if we had tried to move on from each other

 

I hope you write about how it feels to meet someone 4 years later.

[ZimboGon]

I feel there are several reasons why being friends with an ex wouldn't work. However, this is merely from a dumpee point of view.

 

-It allows the dumper to get comfortable with the fact that you are still in their life. It makes it easier for them to heal, move on and date other people

-If the person left you for someone else, they get their cake and eat it too.

-You'll probably end up hating the person after awhile if the only reason you are staying friends with them is to reconcile. They won't feel the same, because odds are they wanted you to stay friends just as a security blanket and you gave them what they wanted.

-If they know what you are doing and whats going on in your life, they won't care. You will fall into the norm of all their other friends. Because of this, if you ever want to date them again they will most likely have no desire anymore. They already gave it a try with you and they have you as a friend.

 

So i feel if you EVER want to reconcile, NC is a key factor. You drop out of their life, they have no awareness of you or what is going on in your life. They realize what life is like without you. That could be a good or a bad thing, and once they figure out what they want or finish with whatever rebound they have, they may be curious about how you are and contact you. If that happens, don't wait for it. You need to heal, figure out what you want. If they do contact you, they don't want the person they dumped. They're probably fueled by their memories of you and the good times, before whatever made your relationship go sour(as long as enough time passed for the bad emotions to fade). You need to get back to that place before you can ever have a shot at it lasting. Hell, you may not even want them anymore.

 

And on a personal note, i could never be friends with my ex. That isn't our path. Plus, i never want to get so comfortable with her as a friend where i can be with her WITHOUT the desire to kiss her. I don't want to live in a world where that is my state of mind.

[JLKLEE]

-You'll probably end up hating the person after awhile if the only reason you are staying friends with them is to reconcile. They won't feel the same, because odds are they wanted you to stay friends just as a security blanket and you gave them what they wanted..

 

This is what happened to me with one of my relationships. I stayed around as a "friend" but we would still be intimate so he had his cake and ate it too. He would sleep with other girls then call me up and manipulate me to come down and see him. He would cry about "how they weren't me", blah blah. Then he would do the same thing the next week. I was so desperate to have him in my life that I was willing to subject myself to the pain of him around him and there for him when he was off sleeping and hanging out with other girls.

 

I grew to hate him. Being there during all that and being hurt was what prevented us from getting back together. It was hard to continue a relationship with someone that did not care enough about me or my feelings.

[ZimboGon]

People are selfish, and some are pigs. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like he was obviously just manipulating you the whole time, what a jerk.

 

Even more reason to go NC and not be friends with someone who dumped you. They don't deserve it, and you don't either. You need to focus on yourself. Something that MAY happen on the side is they miss you, and i can tell you thats more than you'll ever get being friends with them.

[JLKLEE]

People are selfish, and some are pigs. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like he was obviously just manipulating you the whole time, what a jerk.

 

Even more reason to go NC and not be friends with someone who dumped you. They don't deserve it, and you don't either. You need to focus on yourself. Something that MAY happen on the side is they miss you, and i can tell you thats more than you'll ever get being friends with them.

 

Yea but karma came back around because he ended up wanting a relationship with me and was telling me how he wanted to marry me and have children and how he was so stupid for treating me that way. I couldn't do it. Maybe if he had just broken things off and did what he needed to do, then reconnected with me. But certainly not after keeping me around and treating me the way he did.

[jeepman41]

I don't think I could be friends with someone I was intimate with right after a breakup. There's just too much raw emotion to see them as just a friend. I agree with others here that there has to be some emotional detachment before you could even try to talk to them again.

[lostio111]

Hi, I was very good, pretty much best friends with a guy who was in a serious relationship of three years. Eventually our friendship turned into something more and it took him three months to decide that he wanted to be with me instead. They split up and we got straight together with very little break in between, only a week or so. His ex girlfriend also moved on very quickly with a good friend of hers and they were also together within a week. So they had split up and both moved on very quickly. A week or so ago my boyfriend broke up with me saying that he just wanted to be by himself, he had not had a break in between and thought he needed one and now just wants to be single, not to get with other girls but just to be alone. We had a great relationship, no fighting, cheating or anything, it was great however he admitted to not feeling it for the last little while. He can't say if he thinks we will get back together and says that if it is meant to be it will be. He and i both want our friendship to go back to the way it was before we were in a relationship. I saw him a few days ago and it was not awkward, we said that we would move on and be friends, however we live in a small town in a tight circle of friends and he said that he doesn't know if he can trust himself around me after a few drinks and thinks he might make a move because there is still a lot of attraction.

I badly want to be friends because at least I will still have him in my life, he is an amazing person, and deep down I think it is right between us and that we will get back together. That is what I want but he doesn't know if i can see it happening. If we go back to being friends like we were is that going to make us get involved in a relationship again? Will being great friends maybe ignite that spark that was between us in the first place? Do you think that this may be the break he needed in between his ex girlfriend and me, and that when our friendship is strong again is there a possibility that he will be done with having time to myself and ready to slowly get romantically involved with me again? I do want him back as a boyfriend and I really want him back as a friend? I want him as both, how can I do this?

[thatdevilsblue]

i'm going through a similar situation with my ex lately...she contacted me out of the blue 3 weeks ago after not speaking to each other since April, and we have been broken up for a year and a half...we started talking alot and were happy to be talking to each other again, she told me she missed me and all that, and we agreed to kinda do the friendship thing, no expectations, no rushing or deciding anything just yet....we were talking everyday, good morning and night texts everyday like we were when we were together(her even initiating as well) 1st hang out, went to a movie, was a nice night, both really enjoyed seeing each other again, night ended with me walking her to the lobby of her apartment, said our good nights, hugged each other for a good 15 min straight and didn't want to let go....2nd hang out was 2 days later, took the train into the city (chicago), walked around, enjoyed the sites, ect, held hands pretty much the whole evening, she gave me some kisses on the cheek a few times, i did too, got dinner, cuddled on the couch of her apartment lobby for about 10 min, was a great night...3rd hang out, 2 days later, just kinda drove around and talked since it was a monday afternoon and there wasn't really much to do, we both had the day off, and she had to go run some errands after that so we didn't hang out for that long...in the car that day we both just kinda sat there starring at each other like we both kinda wanted to kiss, i know i did and she told me she kind wanted me to as well....after i left she told me she feels like it's still just more of a friendship than more than that, and that we can continue being friends and whatever happens happens but no expectations but she kinda feels nothing more will happen again, which is confusing becuase i'm wondering what all the physical affection and all that was all about....later that night she apparently ran into an old acquaintance and they ended up chatting for 4 hours, and she told me that she just me go on a date with him but she doesn't know yet, STILL stressing that she would like to be friends but still doesn't think more will happen again with us though she can't possibly know for sure...that was last wednesday, that convo, was kind of back and forth and debatical...she wished me happy thanksgiving the next day but since then i haven't heard from her, so almost been a week now....i have no idea where we stand or whats going on....i've been questioning if trying the friendship thing is a good idea or not, if we're even doing that right now, idk, like i said, haven't heard from her in about a week...i really don't want to get hurt or let down, especially if she might considering going on a date with some random old acquantance who came out of nowhere last week on the same day that we last saw each other...

[Navi]

Man that sounds immensely frustrating..can't imagine how i would handle that especially after having a good time hanging out.