GloomySoul Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Hi folks! As you can all see I'm new to ENA. I'd like to hear about any successful stories for people who got back together with their exes after staying in touch and being friends for a period of time. This includes whether it's you personally or someone else you know. And please include details of the story like who left who, how long they have been together, ...etc and specifically how the situation did proceed right after break-up... I know that it's not recommended to be friends, but just want to know. I appreciate all inputs. Thanks. Link to comment
EmotionalCreature Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Didn't work for me, I ignored the advises I received on ENA at the time to stay away. By the time I got it together and my ex came back with push and pull more damages were done and I didn't want her anymore. Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Never met anyone who got back together with an ex after having stayed friends. Actually, yes I have, but though they married the second time they got back together their marriage failed horribly after two kids together. The people I've seen who actually got back together with an ex lost touch with one another for at least five to ten years and then re-connected down the road, after several failed relationships/marriages with other people and serious life changes. Link to comment
GloomySoul Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks for sharing. But I believe I meant that getting back together can happen after staying friends with the ex regardless of the end result. Some people go NC or lose touch for months or years, but still fail even after getting back together again because nothing is guaranteed. So I'm pointing to those who had the chance to get back together and try to work things out again whether they made it or not in the end. Link to comment
capuccino83 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Sorry to be another downer, but I haven't heard of any successful stories. Didn't work for me. One of my really good friends tried as well. More than once. They both pretty much hate each other more after the friendship then if they had just left it alone. My ex, the one with whom it didn't work for me, is friends will all of his ex's. Even years later, he has not gotten back together with any of them. Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 The problem with staying friends with an ex is, if you are over each other enough to be totally comfortable with seeing each other date other people and being relatively low on one another's social priority list, you are probably too over each other to ever be a couple again either. "Staying friends with an ex" always sounds nice in theory, but staying friends in reality involves being aware of an ex's romantic life, and also being low on the priority list since friends never occupy a level of importance equal to that of a significant other. If you still have enough feelings for your ex (or vice versa...or both) that you could potentially one day be a legit romantic couple, I think you'd develop too much resentment watching him (or her) live his (or her) life after having dated you...and I think that's why staying friends with an ex rarely leads to a successful second chance. I have stayed friends with exes before...very close friends, in fact, but the reality that they did not love me enough to stay with me and chose to put other girls above me romantically has always turned me off to the possibility of ever dating them again, even though I still get along with them great and love them more than anything because of the emotional and physical intimacy we once shared. Link to comment
Mills Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Define "friends". My ex and I still talk, when he contacts me... we hang out every once in awhile but I stopped giving him alot of attention and let him come toe... I think whether nc or nic works depends on the person really.. I dunno .. I'm trying nic with my ex right now Link to comment
DanUK Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Well, My mate has been on and off with his girlfriend for 4years, always get back together. Other mate broke up with his ex, and never talks to her again, but she is my best friend and she tells me she still thinks about him and might give him a chance if he changed. Other friend is still mates with his ex and has been in a "complicated" relationship with her, still friends and sleeping over at each others. My ex and I are friends she said she needs time to sort her life out. She was a really nice person tho so I would rather stay friends with her. Then not see her at all. Wasn't a big break up either, was over loads of little things. Hopefully in a few months maybe years. When we both sort out lifes out. Maybe. Who knows. But I've come to terms that it wouldn't of lasted if things stayed the same. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'm sure it HAS happened, but it's probably best when both people emotionally detach from each other before getting back together. I don't know if that happens if you continue to be friends. Link to comment
agenstallodds Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'd say that when you degrade yourself from a significant other to a friend you'll fail at a reconciliation. I agree that both parties need to detach with their feelings in order for successful reconciliation to occur. I mean would you really want to be friends with your ex if they are talking to you about new relationship, etc.? Your just prolonging your hurt and holding yourself back. Let go and move on! If it'll happen, it'll happen by itself. Not when your pursuing or being manipulative. Be mature about it, wish then well, and stay positive (easier said than done). You get my drift. Link to comment
Allyo Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 This happened to me with my most recent ex. However, the truth is that I had accepted the break-up by the time we got back together. I was not on some sort of die-hard mission to get back together with him. I think it is important to re-establish a friendship or period of dating before getting back together. You have to kind of prove that you can still get along well together and that you still have that connection before jumping into a relationship again. I actually think being friends with your ex is an essential step. If you aren't friends with your ex, then what kind of foundation do you really have for a new relationship...? Link to comment
SethSLC Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 This happened to me with my most recent ex. However, the truth is that I had accepted the break-up by the time we got back together. I was not on some sort of die-hard mission to get back together with him. I think it is important to re-establish a friendship or period of dating before getting back together. You have to kind of prove that you can still get along well together and that you still have that connection before jumping into a relationship again. I actually think being friends with your ex is an essential step. If you aren't friends with your ex, then what kind of foundation do you really have for a new relationship...? Going through this right now with my Ex and I agree with everything you just said. You've got to be friends, best friends, with someone if you expect to have a meaningful lifelong relationship, and that includes an Ex that you choose to date again. You've got to start out being friends again and let Life progress on its own naturally towards dating and starting a new relationship. Remember: No Expectations is key Link to comment
Mills Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Right u can't just not speak to.them then magically talk to them one day and jump right back into a relationship Link to comment
GloomySoul Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thank you all for coming around here. I totally agree on re-establishing a friendship prior to getting back together and not having expectations as well. The question that comes to my mind now is that, do both parties have to discuss and agree on building up their friendship knowing that they might get back together in the future or just be friends having to deal with the side effects of this? For example, having to accept them dating others or whatever. I mean if the two have this little hope or are open to any chances of being together again, there would be a certain level of commitment or you name it. What do you suggest here? How would you talk to your ex about the friendship step? And if it happened, how would you handle meetings/calls/texts? Like to what degree and what things to avoid/to keep? Link to comment
SethSLC Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 do both parties have to discuss and agree on building up their friendship knowing that they might get back together in the future or just be friends having to deal with the side effects of this? ^That right there is wrong, see when you start thinking like that you're over analyzing it and putting Expectations on the outcome. Just let whatever is going to happen happen how it wants to happen. If you find yourself thinking about it or asking yourself or others questions about it then you're doing it wrong. Just let it happen man. Link to comment
Capthxc Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Going through this right now with my Ex and I agree with everything you just said. You've got to be friends, best friends, with someone if you expect to have a meaningful lifelong relationship, and that includes an Ex that you choose to date again. You've got to start out being friends again and let Life progress on its own naturally towards dating and starting a new relationship. Remember: No Expectations is key So true. I'm in a similar position. We broke up, didn't talk for months, just recently started talking again and we are working on those bonds. You have to remember to keep your cool no matter how upset you might be. If they dont talk to you for a few days then dont chase them. Act like you're on top of the world even though it might not feel that way. If they see your weakness or think you are only doing this for an attempt to reconcile then it will all be over. Handle it casually, go into it without any expectations and if the connection is still there then things will eventually work their way out. Another key point I should make is that you should never expect to jump back into a relationship that didnt work. Working things out as friends, and then starting a -new- relationship is what will make it successful. I think a lot of these stories about people who couldnt work it out together happened because they rushed right back into something that didn't work, instead of taking things slowly and finding a new, better way to work themselves into a relationship. Link to comment
GloomySoul Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Ok, So I have been broken up with my ex for nearly 7 months and during that time we have been on and off. But lately I have rejected the friendship offer and sticking to NC because I thought that I couldn't handle it, it's been 8 days now. So if I want to try to re-establish my friendship with my ex, How would I proceed? and what should I say? Mind you, we are studying in the same college and major and we'll meet next sinister. Link to comment
Mills Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 ^That right there is wrong, see when you start thinking like that you're over analyzing it and putting Expectations on the outcome. Just let whatever is going to happen happen how it wants to happen. If you find yourself thinking about it or asking yourself or others questions about it then you're doing it wrong. Just let it happen man. Couldn't agree with you more. I love the nonchalant thread, it really is true. Act like you don't care. I didn't talk to my ex for two days and he initiated contact.. we even had a phone conversation for 45 minutes, no arguing or anything. I only texted him this morning to tell him sorry for his grandmothers passing, he said thanks and thats been it. I dont contact him, I let him do it... is it hard sometimes? Hell yes.. .especially knowing that I think he has a thing with soemone else... will we get back together? I dont know.. theres no point in worrying about it, all it does is stress you out and no one can see into the future. Let whatever happens happens. When he first broke up with me I made the mistake of not giving him space... so thats what Im doing now. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 I can't really imagine being friends with someone who I'm still in love with. It would be way too painful. I'd rather not. Unless I was honestly over them and really only wanted to be friends, I wouldn't go there. BUT this thread isn't about that. It's about successful stories for getting back together after 'being friends,' and I can't really think of one. I can think of pseudo-friendships that resulted in a lot of hurt feelings and drama, but *true* friendships? No. Example: I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend (he broke up with her). She was devastated as she thought she was going to marry him. They went NC for four months. She got back in touch with him, he was very responsive. At this point, they weren't living in the same town anymore, but they kept in regular contact. She dated other people, and I'm sure he did, too, but she always wanted him back. They would hook up when in the same town. THIS WENT ON FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS! Finally, an event happened where she realized she had to let go. A year later, she's happy in a new relationship. Does she wish she didn't waste all that time and energy on him? Yes, but she also knows that all of it led her to her new guy. So, I guess what I'm saying is there is no "answer" to getting your ex back. All you have control of are your own actions. Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 You can't be friend with an ex that you are still in love with and want more from. Watching them date and sleep with other is a straight ticket to living in hell. After a period of NC and you are healed then go ahead. Not advised. You can try as you like but you will be going against all the advice of the seasoned people on this board. Link to comment
SethSLC Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 You can't be friend with an ex that you are still in love with and want more from. Watching them date and sleep with other is a straight ticket to living in hell. After a period of NC and you are healed then go ahead. Not advised. You can try as you like but you will be going against all the advice of the seasoned people on this board. Exactly you can't do it if one of you is still in love with the other person. Right now its working for me because I'm still in love with her and she still has feelings for me so we're kind of seeing where things go, but if it comes to a point where one of us doesn't want more than a friendship then you have to go different ways. Love isn't something you can hide and it will be seen and noticed not just by the other person but by anyone you and your Ex start dating and that isn't fair to anyone. So if friendship is all that is offered and one is still in love then it won't work. But if you want to get back together then friendship is how it begins. You just need to be matured and healed enough to recognize when or if it becomes time to cut ties and move on. Link to comment
hidden_kitten Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 my ex and I were off and on for the last year of our relationship - but I wouldn't attribute us getting back together so many times due to being friends, we were just still in love and couldn't let each other go. When we split for good he maintained that he always wanted to be a part of my life, but we kept falling out watching each other readjust to singledom. I haven't heard or seen him in two months or so now. I guess, in an ideal world, it would be great for us to be happy for each other and be friends like we naively thought we could, but it was just too hard... Link to comment
Mills Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 thats why i said define "friends" .. if my ex got into another relationship, i would cut all contact immediately bc i could not watch that. neither of us are in a relationship right now, but i know if i got into one, he would be bothered by it.. if he got into one i sure wouldnt sit around and watch. so im just taking it a day at a time and not worrying about it or waiting for him.... whatever happens, happens. im not completely cutting contact from him if hes not in a relationship with anyone though... either the day will come and we get back together or one of us will meet someone, ill cross that bridge when it comes. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 thats why i said define "friends" .. if my ex got into another relationship, i would cut all contact immediately bc i could not watch that. neither of us are in a relationship right now, but i know if i got into one, he would be bothered by it.. if he got into one i sure wouldnt sit around and watch. so im just taking it a day at a time and not worrying about it or waiting for him.... whatever happens, happens. im not completely cutting contact from him if hes not in a relationship with anyone though... either the day will come and we get back together or one of us will meet someone, ill cross that bridge when it comes. I can tell you from (recent) experience that I wouldn't be able to be friends with her. Simply because I wouldn't be able to let go, and now that she DID get in a new relationship I know it would've killed me. It's still hard even though we don't communicate much, so I couldn't imagine what it would be like if we were good friends and I saw what I saw the other night. Heal up, move on, then reconsider being friends and more in the future. Link to comment
kate1985 Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 I tried to be friends with an ex from a few years ago in hopes that he would come back to me. I figured that if I stayed by his side and supported him, he'd eventually realize that I was the one for him. When he started dating, it would definitely hurt...but I acted like it didn't bother me. I kept telling myself, "oh these girls are just rebounds. as long as i stay in the picture, i'll have nothing to worry about." Well, eventually he started dating a new girl. When they started getting serious, I pretty much wanted to die. He slowly began to stop contacting me since all his attention was now on the new girl. I tried to hold on hoping that they'd break up, but after awhile...I couldn't handle it. It was far too painful, so I decided to let him go. If you wanna be friends, that's up to you. Just be aware that things don't always go the way you may want it to...be prepared fort the worst. Link to comment
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