Having his cake and eating it too.

[iminvertigo]

Here is the story and I need to share because I am sad, angry, hurt and confused. I was in a wonderful realtionship, we had so much fun together. It was truly like dating my best friend and he felt the same. We both agreed we had never bonded with someone like this before. We could be ourselves with each other, make each other laugh and have an intense passionate time. Things started to change. He was distant to me, emotionally unavailable, and he stopped being intimate with me. This lasted for amonth and a half and everytime I had enough, he would chase me down and say he didn't want to break up. He asked me to move in with him and I did, changing my home, my job my life. One night about a week ago I sat him down and told him that it just seemed it wasn't working and as someone who cares about him that we need to end it. The next day as I was packing my things, he was so forlorn and did not want me to leave. We agreed to spend the day and night together before I lfet. It turned out to be one of the best days we had ever had together, like it was in the beginning. I left the next day and he then said he wanted to take some time and think about things and talk in tow weeks so he could figure things out. I left with a full heart but when I got to my parents ( all my things are at his house) I called him and said that was not a good idea. It was too open ended, too painful, we need to end it or not. He came over to explain things to me. He told me that about a month and a half ago that he realized he did not want to be monogamous but stayed with me because I was going through a difficult time and he thought I needed him. He said he was not ready for acommitment and was really confused, he did not know what he wants. He said he had never had a friendship with a woman like he has with me and wanted to keep that, he said he was afraid of losing it. He said he loves me ( first time I heard that) and maybe thought I was more serious that I really was. He then made it clear that he wanted to continue to hang out and quite possibly have an intimate relationship. He said he did not think we should tell each other about other people in our lives, and that it would take him a while to get over me. He also said he felt like he put me through hell and he felt terrible. He said he moved to fast and then I changed my life for us to live together and now he has put me in an awful position. He then wanted to cuddle and hang out. He also still wants to go ont he trip we had planned when we were together at the end of August to Mexico. He says there is noone else he would rather go with . It has been a week since this happened and he is emailing me everyday about the trip, he even emailed me asking me to go to dinner with him and his parents tomorrow night. He also has called several times to talk. I am so numb, hurt and confused right now. I do love him and consider him a best friend and don't want to lose that. It kills me to think of him with another woman. I wonder how can he not be sad and hurt and pick up being friends with me after this? Or if he is sad and hurt but is afraid to lose me. WHy does he still want to go on trips with me? It is just like he wants what we had but doesn't want to be tied down. I am so confused and any opinions someone can give me would be greatly appreciated. This is so hard.

[WishMistress]

Hi,

 

It sounds like your beau may be having an exagerated fear of commitment. If that is the case then it might good for you to let him go for now. Personally, I would not go on a trip with him, nor would I be intimate and I would not be his " friend". If it is meant to be he will come back to you and if it is not count it as experience and move on. I know at this point that it is very hard, but you are right, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. This I think however is using you, and you are worth more than that.

 

Peace and Happiness to you!

[gti337]

Hello...Well, I can speak from experience; your bf is having commitment problems. Trust me, your situation sounds much like the marrital predicament I find myself in. You were vague about the interior problems you have both faced and what the underlying problems might have been that caused you to break it off, but if I understand you correctly he is having a hard time getting too close to you and the more you try to "cling" the more he will try and "escape". If you truly love him and you want this to last, play a little hard to get. It will appear as if you are on your way to independence, you will be "agreeing" to his terms (afterall he wanted this right?) and when he realizes that he may lose you indefinitely (and he will think this if you distance yourself from him for a good amount of time) by his own undoing, he will definitely come around. Best of luck to you.

[Jamiegirl]

pretty much like everyone else has said, hes scared to commit, I think he wants to stay with you and then have other girls in his life without losing you for good becaseu your such a good thing, but i guess he wants to explore his options more before he settles down.

[Mun]

Hi,

I think you should hold your ground. Don't go on the trip with him. Don't be a "friends with benefits." Don't let him have his cake.

 

I think moving in was not a good idea. He got to know what it was like to be married without being married. Probably felt trapped before he was ready. I think everyone is right about him wanting to have you around for when he IS Ready but that isn't fair to you.

 

Let him go. I bet if he truly loves you he will re-evaluate this and then HE will be the one looking for a commitment from YOU. You have to be strong.

[shylah]

It sounds to me like he expects you to be his back up. He doesn't want to totally screw things up with you just incase he can't find someone as great as you. I would not start an intimate relationship with him because this will only further your attachment and deepen your pain if things go wrong. He is definitely having some cake! I am sorry that I am so negative, but I speak from experience.

[Scout]

Muneca's advice may be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but it's exactly what you have to do if:

 

1) You want to keep your self-respect AND your sanity

2) You want your boyfriend to learn there are consequences to giving up on you two: you simply aren't the kind of girl who lets a guy have his cake and eat it, too

3) You want him back 100% committed to you

 

Good luck. It's going to be really, really hard. But the alternative will take a far worse toll on you, trust me on this, PLEASE.

[AngelWater]

Iminvertigo,

 

I feel for you, and I know your pain and confusion. Everything you said I totally can relate to. You said

 

.....he said he was really confused, he did not know what he wants... he said he was afraid of losing it. [the friendship] He said he loves me. It is just like he wants what we had but doesn't want to be tied down.

 

I swear I feel like we are in the same boat. My guy actually said to me it's like he wants it, (meaning life) BOTH ways. He said this to me! He wants everything we have together and the life with me, yet at the same time he wants this independent life without me..(yet keep in mind he strongly stated how much he wants me a part of his "new" life, but just as friends.) Like what the hell is this!?!?!

 

I told him I didn't think I could do the friend thing, and he said that is something he has prepared for, yet I think deep down he probably knows that I would still be friends with him. I really want to do the NC thing, but I don't think I can. The stupid thing about this situation is that it's not only like it's just him that wants me there "just in case," it's his father too! Him and even his father are still telling me how they love me, how I'm still part of the family, and how they want me in their lives no matter what. (which is of course what I want to hear.) But come on!! How am I supposed to get on with my life and over someone if I am hearing these things?? Just like your situation. How are you supposed to move on if you are getting all of these mixed signals!?!??

 

What you and everyone else have said make so much sense though. It seems like our guys are panicked right now. They do want the best of both worlds. It was hit right on the nail when someone said how they know what amazing people we are and want to keep us around as a backup. It's like they know that they need to do something for themselves and explore, yet at the same time although they say they "know" they are making the "right" desicion, they really aren't 100% sure. Otherwise, why would they still want us in their lives??? It's like they want to go off, do what they want to do and still know that when they have gotten this out of their system that we will still be waiting for them.

 

I have been sitting here feeling really bad and so confused about whether or not I want to be his friend and I thought I had decided I was going to be, but you all have put it so clearly! Why should we give them the benefit of having us in their lives as friends, torturing ourselves the whole time because they are confused and unsure about what they want?? WHy should we hand everything they want and the world to them on a platter?? I think it makes alot of sense to not be friends with them, because then they will realize how stupid they were to have ever left us in the first place. And the sad thing is that you hear about this so often how the dumpee is so sad and lonely and down the road the dumpee is so happy and moved on, yet the dumper wants them back and then they are the lonely one.

 

I have even thought of this situation, and I am affraid for HIM, that this will happen. I am affraid that I can or will move on, (even though I know things could be great with us.) but I am so affraid that in the end, I will have gotten over him and he will suffer, realizing that he's made the biggest mistake of his life. I love him so much, I don't want that to happen!!!

 

Let me just end by saying. Relationships suck!!!!

[DaniNYC21]

It's going to be really hard but I think for now you have to let him go. I would certainly not go on a trip with him. This guy has basically told you that he wants to be intimate with you without the strings? Is that what you want??? Do you want to be the woman in his bed on Monday and Thursdays when he is not scheduled to see someone else? If I were you I would start thinking about all the bad aspects about this guy. What kind of person would allow you to uproot you whole life and move with him because you were going through a difficult time? You deserve better and you need to start believing that. If this guy really wants to be with you he won't NEED to be with anyone else. Don't let him make you his back up plan....you deserve better. TRUST ME!!