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He almost walked out on me.

GrowingUp

By GrowingUp
in Dating Advice

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GrowingUp Collaborator

GrowingUp

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But the thing is.. you did refuse. He asked you out on the first date and you said no. That's refusing, and he probably took it as you are not interested. You have an open pass to go though, and you can also take an interest in his life saying, hey I want to check out your activities. You are refusing to do so and are being stubborn about it by constantly referring to it as "clubbing", even though you have no idea what actually goes on in there.

 

That is so manipulative. At least if you are going to limit your man's activities, take the initiative to check them out first before deciding if they are worth limiting. You are not his mother to say, will there be alcohol at that party? then no you can't go..

To clear this up further I told him on our first date that I was open to going with him just not on our first date because I wanted to get to talk to him and get to know him. I hope that helps you understand.

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Cheetarah Mentor

Cheetarah

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this is like the 5th time I am saying this. I never refused.

 

In 20 pages there are bound to be misunderstandings, it's like playing a game of telephone, you know? The fact of the matter is - You don't like this, regardless of whether it's right or wrong in anyone else's eyes. A lot of us don't get it, but this is your thing. And he, on the other hand, wants to continue going to his club to dance. It makes you uncomfortable, you KNOW you can't change him. Even if he did to appease you, it's likely that he would experience a lot of resentment and could create even larger problems down the line within your relationship. So don't wait around for the change. It either won't happen(and fairly certain of that, given his response), or benefit of the doubt, this guy IS behaving innocently and be begins to resent the fact that his girlfriend is displeased with his hobby and it takes the toll on the relationship.

 

So long as you keep looking for reasons to say "but", you're really not working on your insecurities.

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bulletproof Collaborator

bulletproof

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Because he likes to go to clubs, drink, dance with other girls, and possible flirt and make them new friends (The girls)

 

But everyone here has already broken down this whole thing ad nauseam. He likes to go to a specific club, engage in Latin dancing, which means that yes, he will need a dancing partner to do so, i.e., a woman. He never said he was going to flirt, but he did say he would not turn down a friendship, even if that person is attractive. None of this is unreasonable. You twist it to fit your insecure belief that you will be victimized somehow.

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bulletproof Collaborator

bulletproof

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He did say he would flirt he told me it was normal to flirt as long as it didn't lead anywhere....I don't even know what to say anymore. I wish I never brought it up to him now. I feel stupid now. I don't know what to say anymore.

 

Fine, then he said he would flirt. And I agree with him, it is healthy to flirt, to some degree.

 

Seriously, just break up with him.

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Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

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There's often a fine line between boundaries and control. i know for myself, since I have a tendency to control others, especially in relationships, I often can't tell the difference between boundaries adn control.

 

In my opinion, the difference between boundaries and control is a) being upfront and b) not trying to change the other person. If I pretty much make it clear to a guy early on that I don't want a man who is a big flirt (I'm not saying this is the OP's boyfriend -- just a hypothetical), then I'm not trying to control my potential partner. I just have to walk away if I perceive that to be a part of him.

 

Not to quibble, but I didn't get the impression that he said outright "I'm looking for hot girls to be friends with." I got the impression that he spoke about having friends and the OP asked if he would be friends with girls he found attractive, and he responded that he would be comfortable with that. Big difference.

 

I hear what you are saying, and I read it differently. At the same time, her replies indicate that he engages in behavior that is understandably upsetting such as ...

 

Because he likes to go to clubs, drink, dance with other girls, and possible flirt and make them new friends (The girls)

 

I wouldn't be comfortable with that in a long-term partner. I wouldn't try to change him. I would just stop dating him.

 

He did say he would flirt he told me it was normal to flirt as long as it didn't lead anywhere....I don't even know what to say anymore. I wish I never brought it up to him now. I feel stupid now. I don't know what to say anymore.

 

I'm not really into guys who like to flirt. And a lot DO NOT like to flirt, unless it's with their girlfriends, while they are in a relationship. You don't need to feel bad. I think you do need to end this thing though.

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LostLeo42 Contributor

LostLeo42

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I thought about this but then I would just be wasting my time in a relationship waiting for it to end. I think its fine if he needs to have his independence but he was the one initiating hanging out all the time. I wanted to hang out with him too so thats why I agreed.

 

Don't look at it as a waste of time - look at it as an experience, as a learning experience. Try not to get too attached too deeply, keep seeing him, but do your own things, and just take it slow and see what happens. See what type of guy he really is before you jump to conclusions. You said you really like him, so why are you debating on breaking up already? I'm with you as far as I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who goes out without me all the time, but you don't know yet that he is going to do that.

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GrowingUp Collaborator

GrowingUp

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Don't look at it as a waste of time - look at it as an experience, as a learning experience. Try not to get too attached too deeply, keep seeing him, but do your own things, and just take it slow and see what happens. See what type of guy he really is before you jump to conclusions. You said you really like him, so why are you debating on breaking up already? I'm with you as far as I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who goes out without me all the time, but you don't know yet that he is going to do that.

How do you just stop your emotions and not get attached or develop deep feeling for someone? We are exclusive so I can't just go and date other guys...what other ways are their to not become too attached or fall further for a person?

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bulletproof Collaborator

bulletproof

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Doesn't mean I'm obsessed or anything but I genuinely do care for him, and care about us.

 

You said you see him every night and all weekend every weekend. You then said that the rest of the time is spent with your sister and niece. It just doesn't sound like you're forging a separate identity from him, which is what will cause you to inflate your feelings and feel like every minor issue is a huge issue.

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capuccino83 Explorer

capuccino83

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How do you just stop your emotions and not get attached or develop deep feeling for someone? We are exclusive so I can't just go and date other guys...what other ways are their to not become too attached or fall further for a person?

 

By not spending all your time with them. This is killer to the relationship.

 

My ex and I use to spend ALL our time together. Weekends and he'd come over to my place three nights a week, one-two months into the relationship. We were also calling each other during the day in between and I did nothing outside of hanging out with him. Even though the entire relationship lasted 7-8 months, that relationship took my sanity because I felt like I was leaving a marriage not an eight months relationship.

 

Now I'm a little more self protective, and it's great. I actually feel safer with the guy, trust him more, am less needy and he responds positively to that. Even if we broke up now, I would be sad but okay. And because I'm not constantly worrying about security or trying to control him, I can actually get to know him as a person and develop genuine feelings.

 

IMO, this is what you should be doing too.

 

If you think that its wrong for a guy to flirt with other girls when he has a girlfriend, than this is fine. But this should be coming from your belief system (like Ms Darcy feels) not because you are using the relationship for security (which is what I feel like you are doing) and its taking away from that. Also, be more self protective in the relationship. Don't give a guy that much power. After only two months, breaking up with someone should not be this difficult or agonizing of a decision.

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GrowingUp Collaborator

GrowingUp

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He just called me from work, just to say hi I guess. He told me that he gets free Hooters today because of the military and that he went once already and will be going again, hahaha I was like thinking in my head don't mention hooters right now. LOL

 

I'm coming to the conclusion that I just am a very jealous and insecure person and no one wants that type of partner. I'm always thinking the worse. I'm very negative.

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Mercurial Girl Enthusiast

Mercurial Girl

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He just called me from work, just to say hi I guess. He told me that he gets free Hooters today because of the military and that he went once already and will be going again, hahaha I was like thinking in my head don't mention hooters right now. LOL

 

I'm coming to the conclusion that I just am a very jealous and insecure person and no one wants that type of partner. I'm always thinking the worse. I'm very negative.

 

What is stopping you from getting help?

 

What is stopping you from deciding to, and following through with being single while you work out your issues?

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GrowingUp Collaborator

GrowingUp

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I posted but it didn't show up. I just want to say I have been working on myself and I'm not done. I have come a long way and I have a lot more work to do. I don't know exactly how to work this out but I will figure it out somehow. I always seem to find my way somehow...

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hers Experienced

hers

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I've been following your threads for a couple years now (wow, what does that say about us! ) and I have seen progress in you. You just have to remember your feeligns aren't facts and assumptions that you come up with in your head are NOT the truth, usually never the truth. And just b/c someone else screwed you over before does not mean someone else is out to get you. Not everything is a personal attack (even with the people who post on your thread) and not everything he does means he has the intention to hurt you.

 

Keep your chin up. You just need to keep calm, not assume so much, and not think that he's out to hurt you, ok?

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