GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 I'm gonna have to let this subject go because I'm not even able to enjoy him right now. I need to let this go because I really like him a lot and not just physically either. Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 So you agree you're worrying over nothing? Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Honestly I'm not sure, but I have to take a chance I guess. Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I'd say you know waht you have to do but now it's just doing it. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I'm kind of surprised by a lot of the responses here too, especially in regards to cheating. Yes if someone wants to cheat they can do it anywhere, but in the vast majority of cases people are not out seeking to cheat on their partner unless they are a sociopath or being intentionally cruel. Cheating most often happens when boundaries are relaxed and a partner gets too close to someone else under the guise of an improper friendship. It evolves gradually over time until a rocky point is reached in a relationship and oftentimes alcohol is a major factor (It does impair judgement after all). I think the OP needs to set some clear boundaries for herself and if he crosses them then she should walk. Engaging in flirty behavior with women at clubs under the guise of friendship is a very reasonable cause for concern. He hasn't done anything yet but she should be careful. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 You see I feel so uneasy because of this. Whats the point of even trying anymore. I give up. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Cheating most often happens when boundaries are relaxed and a partner gets too close to someone else under the guise of an improper friendship. It evolves gradually over time until a rocky point is reached in a relationship and oftentimes alcohol is a major factor (It does impair judgement after all). That may or may not be true (I've not yet seen a study that explains when cheating is most likely to happen, so we can file that under "opinion"), but the point of trusting someone involves the belief that no matter what the situation or temptation, that person will control him/herself. Simply putting restrictions on a partner so that he/she won't be tempted is not a solution. That individual needs to show some restraint if he/she has agreed to be part of a monogamous relationship, period. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 It would be foolish to trust that guy blindly given the circumstances especially given the length of the relationship. There has not been nearly enough time to develop a high level of trust. All I'm saying is that she should be patient and see what happens. She shouldn't be obsessing over it but she should definitely observe his behavior. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner then there is no problem. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 It would be foolish to trust that guy blindly given the circumstances especially given the length of the relationship. There has not been nearly enough time to develop a high level of trust. All I'm saying is that she should be patient and see what happens. She shouldn't be obsessing over it but she should definitely observe his behavior. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner then there is no problem. So I should be suspicious until when? This is too much work observe his behaviour how? He's not gonna cheat in front of my face...I give up. I obviously can't do this. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 A new relationship should be fun and exciting, this is just dreaful. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Of course not, but there will be clear signs. If you go with him to the clubs and he openly disrespects you in front of other women or ignores you and pays more attention to other women then those are red flags. If he introduces you and involves you then you probably don't have much to worry about. If he gets heavily involved with a women from the club then you will most likely know based on changes in his behavior. Link to comment
DN Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I do wish that people would read the thread and understand why he wants to go to this particular club and also note that since he has been going out with the OP he hasn't actually attended one. If he were wanting to go to a club whose existence is to hook up with people that would be very different than the reason this guy wants to go. And he has asked her to go with him. Not all clubs are there for hook-up purposes. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Its already ruining us and he hasn't even gone yet. That says a lot. Link to comment
DN Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 "It" isn't ruining "us" - you are doing that. And you don't have to. Link to comment
jaimecat Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I agree with this very much. When I said I met many men with girlfriends that went too far, this is EXACTLY what happened. I met a few really crazy men who obviously really wanted to cheat, but several guy friends cheated once they met a girl, became friends, started flirting, then alcohol started...I am not saying the OP shouldnt trust her guy- and I just read that he hasnt yet gone to a club while hes with her- but I completely agree she should be careful. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 be careful? I don't want to get involved with someone I have to tell myself to "be careful" with. I just want to be able to enjoy the relationship and trust the person. I can't do this. Its too much. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 It would be foolish to trust that guy blindly given the circumstances especially given the length of the relationship. There has not been nearly enough time to develop a high level of trust. All I'm saying is that she should be patient and see what happens. She shouldn't be obsessing over it but she should definitely observe his behavior. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner then there is no problem. There is no point in being in a relationship unless you trust the other person. Blind trust after this amount of time would be giving him access to her bank account, not assuming he's going to be faithful. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 be careful? I don't want to get involved with someone I have to tell myself to "be careful" with. I just want to be able to enjoy the relationship and trust the person. I can't do this. Its too much. Keep in mind that the majority of posters here have told you that this is nothing to worry about. Don't harp on the minority telling you otherwise. There will always be differing opinions, but it seems your clinging to the ones that will allow you to view this in a negative light. Link to comment
hers Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 So Just bc one person offers a different perspective, you're giving up?? Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 How do I know if its my instincts or not? Link to comment
DN Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Look - you have so much going for you. You are pretty, you are smart and you must be fun to be around most of the time otherwise men would not want to be with you. Why don't you concentrate on your strengths and stop letting this one weakness run your life. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Most posters who tell you that you should be careful are probably assuming that your bf is constantly out dancing without you. However, as you said yourself, since you are together, he hasn't gone dancing and you are spending nearly every single night with him. - That is the reality of your relationship. That is what is true, what you have witnessed yourself. This whole thread is based on a hypothetical thing that he said, that hasn't happened at all. He never said anything about grinding and wanting to pick up girls, that are all assumptions/ fears on the side of OP. Nearly every poster - including those who say clubbing is a big no, no - equally state that you should use his actual behavior as a measurement about his integrity and intentions. So far, everything you have said about his actions have been speaking a very clear language: he is very much into you and is investing a lot of thought/energy/time/emotions/consideration into you. On top of that he seems to be a very mature and secure person. Something you most certainly can profit from. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 You know what else is bothering me. My boyfriend told me he used to be on link removed. He showed me his profile. I went on link removed (I used to be a member) I looked up his name and it says active within 24 hours...When I log in and try to view his profile I get a message like this "We're sorry, the profile you're looking for could not be found. Please try another profile." So basically he's browsing link removed while hidden...whats up with that.......Its crazy. I guess I found my answer. Link to comment
hers Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You didn't find anything. Why are you purposefully looking for things to ruin this? Just break up with the guy if you're so convinced. Geez. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I'm not purposefully looking for things. He obviously is looking for something else what it is I have no idea. Link to comment
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