TakingtheBlame Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Well "friends" is also a relative term, I think. I am friends with people who I've met through activities like my book club, which means we are friends on Facebook, I see them at book club meetings and we chat about book club business and our life at the meetings, and every now and then one of them will throw a party or a happy hour that I will attend. This is as far as my friendship with some of these people goes. Would you say that's inappropriate? Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 But define what you mean by friendship bc there are varying levels. Link to comment
DN Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Well, I am sorry to see you going that route, GrowingUp, because I fear you are going to sabotage this relationship. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Nah I wouldn't say thats inappropriate, I feel sometimes their is a motive for some reason..like you like this person if they are attractive and from the opposite sex hmmm. I don't know where that comes from. Link to comment
iBroken Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 ^ That is your insecurities coming out. Because really, if you are capable of meeting a man who you ARENT attracted to, than your BF can do the same. But because you are insecure, you will assume every chick he meets he is attracted to. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Maybe I should put it like this, I don't want my boyfriend going out there, meeting new women that are attractive, befriending them and then start to become attached to them or develop a crush on them, I also don't want my man lusting after some other woman..if he wants to lust after someone else he needs to be with them and not me. Also I don't want him taking them out etc taking away from OUR relationship….Then if/when we start to have problems we break up and then suddenly they are together that would suck. That’s what it all boils down to . Link to comment
DN Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Maybe I should put it like this, I don't want my boyfriend going out there, meeting new women that are attractive, befriending them and then start to become attached to them or develop a crush on them, I also don't want my man lusting after some other woman..if he wants to lust after someone else he needs to be with them and not me. Also I don't want him taking them out etc taking away from OUR relationship….Then if/when we start to have problems we break up and then suddenly they are together that would suck. That’s what it all boils down to . Then you should not be in this or any other relationship. Since you cannot trust a man it will never work for you. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Aw man...I guess I'm messed up. I just gotta get this under control. Link to comment
iBroken Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Maybe I should put it like this, I don't want my boyfriend going out there, meeting new women that are attractive, befriending them and then start to become attached to them or develop a crush on them, I also don't want my man lusting after some other woman..if he wants to lust after someone else he needs to be with them and not me. Also I don't want him taking them out etc taking away from OUR relationship….Then if/when we start to have problems we break up and then suddenly they are together that would suck. That’s what it all boils down to . You know what I dont want? My partner to cheat on me. The sad reality is it can happen to anyone. It doesnt have to be a "friend" that makes him stray. He could meet a co-worker and begin to lust after her or her after him. Its the way the world works. I have been in relationships and been sought after and my then partners were sought after by others. You just have to trust that your partner wont step outside the relationship. No relationship comes with a warranty.....just sayin Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 I also compare too much. My sisters fiance doesn't like to club...I start wondering why I can't find a proper mate. I feel like I always attract weird guys. Not that my boyfriend is weird....I just start to wonder. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Damn I have issues up to my ears. Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 But what he's doing is not im proper. Not for many anyway. But there's a way to establish healthy boundaries. What you're doing is making up assumptions and adding in all sorts of scenarios. That's not boundaries. Those are fears. Boundaries are saying I don't mind if you club but I trust if q girl comes on to you, you will walk away. And hold him to that. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 But what he's doing is not im proper. Not for many anyway. But there's a way to establish healthy boundaries. What you're doing is making up assumptions and adding in all sorts of scenarios. That's not boundaries. Those are fears. Boundaries are saying I don't mind if you club but I trust if q girl comes on to you, you will walk away. And hold him to that. You see! He will not walk away. We talked about that, he would engage with her and thats the problem. He will dance with her and chat her up etc... Link to comment
LostLeo42 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I also compare too much. My sisters fiance doesn't like to club...I start wondering why I can't find a proper mate. I feel like I always attract weird guys. Not that my boyfriend is weird....I just start to wonder. Maybe this is what you should be concentrating on, maybe this one isn't the right one for you. Even though you are physically attracted to someone doesn't mean you are the right mates, you should have the same values, morals, feelings about what constitutes a relationship, etc. If you find you are always dating men that you don't have these things in common with you need to question why that is. Maybe you just haven't met the right one yet, or maybe you are seeking men that aren't right for you for some underlying psychological reason. Link to comment
iBroken Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 You see! He will not walk away. We talked about that, he would engage with her and thats the problem. He will dance with her and chat her up etc... So let him go. He clearly is not respecting your boundaries. Link to comment
DN Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 You will never find someone who isn't going to interact with females in some way - and you will keep finding reasons to distrust whatever man you are temporarily with. No relationship will last because you will destroy it. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I don't get why people have to be reduced to their gender. When I meet someone new (especially if I am in a relationship) I don"t see every man I meet as potentially someone I could cheat with. It's just another human being with different interests and personality. If I wanted to cheat, I could do that anywhere, anytime. The same applies to my partner. Thus it's a question of trusting that your partner choses you for a reason, not due to lack of opportunity or interaction. I even find that much more of an 'egobooster' if he is meeting all these other attractive and interesting women, yet he is coming home to me voluntarily. I would even worry if my partner would start to avoid interacting with other women. Forbidding him to do something or keeping him away from other women would probably make it more alluring, wouldn't it? It's also truly unrealistic if you are hoping for a longterm relationship to maintain the thought that your partner will never stumble accross someone who he finds attractive or might even fantasize about. Again it's all about trusting that despite those thoughts he will not act on it, as I have decided to "forsake all others" for him regardless of how attractive they might be. Maybe at the beginning of a relationship there is more emphasize on the pure physical attraction (?), but with time your attraction to your partner grows due to the history and memories you build together - that is something very hard to compete with as an outside person. The stronger your interaction, communication, affection, the experience of all the shared ups and downs etc are, the less likely it will be that another person may seem attractive to you, despite their physical appearance. So in order to create that strong bond, you have to start looking at him for who he is and create an atmosphere were both of you are enabling each others personal/spiritual/emotional growth. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 You will never find someone who isn't going to interact with females in some way - and you will keep finding reasons to distrust whatever man you are temporarily with. No relationship will last because you will destroy it. I'm destroying this relationship you think? Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 But is it friendly conversation or is it chatting them up with the intention of dating them or sleeping with them? What does HE say? Not what YOU think but what HE says. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I'm destroying this relationship you think? Yes by mistrusting someone without them giving you any cause is creating a very negative atmosphere. What hers meant by walking away: if he has any character, he will walk away from any situation that ha true temptation for him. Just because he is talking/interacting with another female (regardless of her physical appearance) doesn't equal an inappropriate situation Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 I have no idea what he says because it hasn't happened yet you're right. Also Penelope I like that post it made me realize something. I guess I don't feel good enough or pretty enough for whatever reason. Its stupid I know but I feel that way sometimes. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 JESUS I didn't used to be this way, what happened to me?! I don't like the way I think. Link to comment
DN Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I'm destroying this relationship you think?I think you will if you continue in this mode. Basically what you are implying to this man is that he has sucn a low character and such a lack of morals that you think he will cheat on you given the opportunity. Do you really think that he appreciates being though of in that way? Link to comment
DN Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I have no idea what he says because it hasn't happened yet you're right. Also Penelope I like that post it made me realize something. I guess I don't feel good enough or pretty enough for whatever reason. Its stupid I know but I feel that way sometimes.You and I have chatted a lot by pm over the last year or two and I have seen your photos. You are most certainly good enough and you are very pretty - so don't put yourself down, you have no reason to. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Do you really believe he is only with you because of your looks? - You may be a stunning 10, but there will always be other woman who are equally if not more attractive physically? You have to trust that he sees more in you than just your looks. If you are worried about other aspects of your personality. Well there is some good news: you can change anything about yourself that you may not like - it's totally in YOUR power. Link to comment
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