hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I have no idea what he says because it hasn't happened yet you're right. Also Penelope I like that post it made me realize something. I guess I don't feel good enough or pretty enough for whatever reason. Its stupid I know but I feel that way sometimes. Exactly. Hasn't happened. Period. No "yet". Period. He was probably saying that while he was single he'd talk to them but its differently when you're in a relationship. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 I don't even want to have to tell him what to do, I just want him to know because its so obvious that when you're in a relationship whats appropriate and whats not. If he wants to make friend fine just know that certain things you aren't supposed to be doing. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 I think you will if you continue in this mode. Basically what you are implying to this man is that he has sucn a low character and such a lack of morals that you think he will cheat on you given the opportunity. Do you really think that he appreciates being though of in that way? No I don't think he appreciate that, I know its wrong. Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I don't even want to have to tell him what to do, I just want him to know because its so obvious that when you're in a relationship whats appropriate and whats not. If he wants to make friend fine just know that certain things you aren't supposed to be doing. It is not obvious though. It's all relative. What your talking about is establishing boundaries. But that does not mean telling your partner what day can and cannot do. This is where communication company. Only you and your partner can't figure out what is a healthy boundary for your relationship. But acting on assumptions in spears is not healthy for your relationship that will do nothing except destroy it. So here is where you step in and trust what he is telling you in allowing him to be his own person Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I don't even want to have to tell him what to do, I just want him to know because its so obvious that when you're in a relationship whats appropriate and whats not. If he wants to make friend fine just know that certain things you aren't supposed to be doing. See there is a bit of a problem with this type of assumption: what is appropriate to you, might not be the same as his definition. Neither you nor him is right or wrong, you both have equally the right to your point of view, you just need to find a common ground if you want to make it work. But insisting that you are the one who is necessarily right will not be the path to find compromises. As many people (women as men) have commented on your thread, for them it is not a problem if the partner interacts with other people of the opposite sex (if you are a straight couple). Your bf never said that he wants to chat up women and cheat on you. That is only what you are assuming and afraid of. What he has said (according to your posts) is in case he meets a person that happens to be a woman regardless of her physical appearance he will not automatically stop interacting with her just because he is in a relationship. Equally he will not cheat on you just because he is talking to another female. - Sounds all very mature and normal Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I agree with Penelope. He sounds mature and confident. Don't turn him into something he's not. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Its so different I guess. My ex said he never found any other woman attractive but me, and he didn't flirt or anything. Its so different having a guy say he finds other women attractive and stuff. My ex didnt' have female friends. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Why can't you just wait and see what happens? He seem pretty honest so far. He could have told you what you wanted to hear but he chose to tell you the truth. That has to count for something, right? Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Its so different I guess. My ex said he never found any other woman attractive but me, and he didn't flirt or anything. Its so different having a guy say he finds other women attractive and stuff. My ex didnt' have female friends. And that didn't guarantee that you were happy or that he treated you with respect. It was a totally toxic relationship despite him not finding anyone else attractive. Is that the kind of relationship that you want again? To be someones only center in the world to such an extend that they completely suffocate you, that it brings out the worst in you? Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 This guy is not your ex. Say that over and over. He is not your ex. You can't compare. Link to comment
capuccino83 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Its so different I guess. My ex said he never found any other woman attractive but me, and he didn't flirt or anything. Its so different having a guy say he finds other women attractive and stuff. My ex didnt' have female friends. I am certain this is a lie. Every trustworthy male friend that I have had has said that normal men find other attractive women attractive. It doesn't mean anything. A guy who denies this, unless you are Giselle herself, is most likely lying to you. This guy is just being honest. Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 And didn't your ex cheat on you at some point? This guy is being honest. That says a lot about him. He's not telling you what you want to hear and manipulating you. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 So when a guy says his girlfriend is the most beautiful girl in the world is that bull? Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 And didn't your ex cheat on you at some point? This guy is being honest. That says a lot about him. He's not telling you what you want to hear and manipulating you. Not that I know of... Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 So when a guy says his girlfriend is the most beautiful girl in the world is that bull? To him it could be true; however I think it relates more to the personality/history he has with the gf than the actual physical appearance. Since he most likely has not met every single woman in the world, he can't even know if she is physically the most attractive in the world to him. So if someone says that to me (i.e. my partner) I will be pleased and understand it as a way of expressing that he really likes me rather than taking this literally. Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Not that I know of... I may have been thinking something different...like he was with someone while you guys were broken up. Regardless, I just mean that this guy is being honest and that counts for something. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 To him it could be true; however I think it relates more to the personality/history he has with the gf than the actual physical appearance. Since he most likely has not met every single woman in the world, he can't even know if she is physically the most attractive in the world to him. So if someone says that to me (i.e. my partner) I will be pleased and understand it as a way of expressing that he really likes me rather than taking this literally. Oh okay, I guess thats what I want from my partner. Link to comment
Shnoodle Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Its so different I guess. My ex said he never found any other woman attractive but me, and he didn't flirt or anything. Sweet, but rubbish. Look, I've scared away a guy with a lot less insecurity in a lot more of a questionable situation. (well, most likely, there will always be a tad of suspicion with that episode.) I'm really surprised this guy has not left yet. I tend to notice a trend through this thread of you assuming something means insert negative possible intention here. He dances, socializes, flirts, spends time on his own.. does it mean he wants to cheat, have back-ups, distance himself from you, wear your underwear, scalp you in your sleep.. no. It's possible he may do any of those things, it's endless of the possiblities of things he might do. I want you to catch yourself when you start thinking "does this mean..", especially if the thought after that is something negative. You are creating too much worry for yourself and I think it's poisoning not only your relationship but your happiness. The mostly likely if that will meet fruition, is that if you keep projecting your insecurities on him, displaying extreme mistrust, and attempting to prevent him from engaging in activities that might lead to him to cheat, he will leave. (I hope that run-on sentence made sense.) If he does cheat, have back-ups, distance himself from you, wear your underwear, scalp you in your sleep.. well? The best thing you can do is be emotionally prepared to be as strong as you can, and not let it crush you. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 I may have been thinking something different...like he was with someone while you guys were broken up. Regardless, I just mean that this guy is being honest and that counts for something. OH YEAH you're right about that! Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Yeah you're right! Everything is negative with me, its never good. Its so stupid. How do you emotionally prepare for that though? Link to comment
Shnoodle Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 You work on building your confidence and loving who you are. You don't forget that you are awesome, and capable of being happy with or without them. You spend time doing things you enjoy on your own, and enrich your life aside from them. For me at least, that involves engaging in my hobbies, getting my ego fed (in healthy ways), and socializing with like-minded individuals. It sounds to me like so far doing just that is all this man is guilty of, maybe it's a bandwagon worth hopping on. Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I know this will sound corny, but go with me on this. Look yourself in the mirror for 30 seconds. For teh whole 30 seconds, say "I love you, (your name here)" to yourself. If you can't do it for 30 seconds, try it for 20 seconds. Continue to do that every day and make the time longer. As corny as it sounds, it really does work. you need to love yourself. You have to convince yourself you're a good person and you are loving and capable and lovable. You are a good person. you have to tell yourself that. Positive affirmations. I know you've mentioned them before. Continue to do it. Link to comment
jaimecat Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I am kinda surprised by this thread. Maybe the OP has insecurity issues I dont know. But I personally would not want to be in a relationship with a guy that goes to clubs where there is dancing that involves grinding against other girls and he actually says he wants to be friends with them. The clubs for things such as "salsa" dancing is fine. Maybe I am a bit biased. When I was younger I went to these grinding clubs all the time (when I was single) and I met very very few guys who were there to just dance and make friends. I met many men that had girlfriends that went too far. Im not trying to make the OP paranoid but I am just speaking my experience. In fact, I used to get made fun of because people kept saying Id never find a substantial guy (that is what I was really looking for) at such an environment and guess what...they were right. I dont go to the clubs anymore because I am older and got phased out of it as my friends changed and other ones got married. I still have a few single friends that go and sometimes invite me but I am in a relationship now and I dont go anymore. I feel no need to and my friends understand completely. They said it would be kinda weird if I came anyway. I have other ways of making friends and I wouldnt want to be disrespectful to my boyfriend. I really feel no need to do that- why would I want to go dance with attractive men and be friends with them? I have a boyfriend I am happy with. Hes in the other room and I told him about this thread and he said if I wanted to go to a club and dance with other attractive men and be friends with them he would not be too happy either. He completely agrees with the poster that said if a guy really liked you he wouldnt need to go and do that. Now I do understand the OP's guy..this is a hobby for him and he enjoys it...also I have no idea how far the relationship has progressed if you guys have been officially together for a few months or not...but OP, I think your harping on him means that you two are incompatible. Theres nothing wrong with that. Perhaps this guy needs a girl who is more into that stuff. I would listen to your instincts. I have had stuff like this pop up before and sometimes thought I was insecure, though I am generally not insecure in relationships, but then later down the road I was right and I was like "damn should have listened to myself" Personally, I would just find a guy who wouldnt feel the need to go to clubs but thats just me. Man now I feel old. Link to comment
GrowingUp Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 See what I mean...this stuff scares me. It has me second guessing myself constantly! Its like I keep going back and forth wondering if its my gut or not. hers I do those affirmations. I just started them though. Link to comment
hers Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 See what I mean...this stuff scares me. It has me second guessing myself constantly! Its like I keep going back and forth wondering if its my gut or not. hers I do those affirmations. I just started them though. But everyone is just giving your their perspective. This guy's club is to explore a hobby, not pick up girls. That's been made clear 1000 times so far! And considering he hasn't even gone to the clubs since you've been together, I'd say you are doing a whole lot of worrying over nothing. Link to comment
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