all porn no sex

[angela42281]

My boyfriend ( a computer guy) and I have been together for a year and a half. Before I met him he watched porn and masterbated to it three times a day or more everyday(he told me this). Now that he's dating me it has lessened but it's still a lot four or five times a week. He does it illegally as well not sure how, but I know he gets passwords from certain website of people that have actually paid for the services and uses their username and password to watch porn .

 

I've always known that he watched porn and was ok with it. I loved porn as well. His friends always joked about the quantity of cyber porn that he had downloaded to his computer. (He had to get a second hard drive because he had so much) Are sex relationship was great for the first eight months and then it gradually went down hill.

 

We are now at the point where I have to beg for sex and he still denys me. I had openly talked to him about how it makes me feel when he denys me. I feel worthless, not beautiful, compared to the porn, and he says that he doesn't compare me and that he loves me. I hate porn now because he chooses to watches porn all the time and masterbates to it instead of have sex with me.

 

I talked to him about how I thought he was addicted to porn and how it hurts me and affects are relationship so i told him it had to stop, and made him delete all of the porn he had on his computer and asked him to stop watching it. He said he didn't want to stop, and didn't think he could (but yet he doesn't think he's addicted) he agreed to delete all the porn and I agreed to let him watch it twice a week hoping that he would be hornier and that would improve our sex life.

 

Well in the first week he couldn't stick to twice but watched it three times when I was not around that I know of. I know this because I see it on his computer. I talked to him again last week and wanted some answers. He said that having sex was too much work and that he really has to consintrate and not have any distractions.

 

It takes him a long time to come 45min- hour I think that's great. He thinks it's work. I've tried cutting out distractions, being on top so he doesn't have to work, giving him lots of oral, talking dirty everything nothing works. He said that watching porn is easier and he comes sooner. I've been doing some research and first of all I think he is addicted to porn he says he's not.

 

Secondly I think he might have what is called retarded ejaculation where it takes you a while to come. I think he's conditioned himself to cum when masterbating, because he does it a certain way by building it up and starts and stops. I love everything about him except this I don't want this to ruin us. Just last night I begged him for sex. He said no but then finally caved. His penis was hard so i was on top till I cam and that was it he didn't want to get off at all.

 

So this morning I made the comment how much it hurt me that he doesn't want sex with me but would masterbate to porn all day long, and he didn't say anything. I left the room for about 30 min. Came back in and caught him beating off to porn. He looked at me and apologized but I took it as a slap in the face. I haven't talked to him since. I love him so much, except for this. i don't know what to do. except leave him, but i don't want to do that either. I asked him about counseling and he rolls his eyes. Help!!

[shes2smart]

Your boyfriend has a problem, and unless and until he sees it as a problem, there is nothing you can do to make him change his behavior.

 

I lived this nightmare first hand for about a year with a b/f who was addicted to porn videos and sex chat websites. He would turn things around to make me think I was the one with the problem--I wasn't "secure" enough, I was "over-reacting" and on and on.

 

I finally left him with his little chat friends and videos, and was much better for it.

 

While getting over it, I found a "No Porn" website. You will find others who have the same problem as you do and as I did here--they have been through and/or are going through the same thing as you. This link will take you right to the "Partners Forum" board where you will find many other women in a similar situation as yours.

 

link removed

 

Best of luck to you. It's a tough situation to be in, but you can make it through.

 

~s2s

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

Wow.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, that's all I got.

(closes another window on his browser) 8-[

 

I thought i used it as a substitute for not getting any. Wonder if its why I'm not getting any.

 

Sorry I turned this on myself, but I really don't have any advice for you except maybe get another guy. Not worth your time, in the years of your prime, ya know?

[OceanEyes]

Ouch. I'm pretty much feeling the same way as the poster ^ above me!

 

What does he expect you to do with what he's given you? I mean my god, has he no self-control whatsoever?

 

I understand the whole fascination with porn, and I've never minded it. However, when it gets to be as serious as it is with your boyfriend, I simply can't comprehend how hurtful and sickening it must be for you! No wonder you're looking for some answers here, since you're obviously not getting them from your boyfriend!

 

I can't tell you what you should do. What I can do is tell you what I would do. I would probably withdraw from him completely and start hanging out with my guy friends as much as possible. This may seem like immature and bad advice, but your situation seems to require some seriously drastic measures!

 

It's either try to make him very jealous, and seem like you're going to leave him if he doesn't change, or you give him an ultimatum. Mostly, I am against ultimatums, but in your case I am 100% in favour of one. Quite frankly, I couldn't live with a guy like that. I would have probably left by now if I was you.

 

I hope things get better!

[imported_admin]

I always seem to find myself here reading about girls who's boyfriends are watching porn, and with holding sex, i feel the same way about it, i feel very put off, and i've tried everything, i really want to keep this guy, but he doesn't get off if we have sex, he watches porn EVERY chance i'm not around, and doesn't even experiment on me... its such an over whelming feeling or rejection. the real problem is, where are the solutions. i hand out with more guys, to get some kind of response, and he doesn't mind it, i stop trying to get sex out of him, and he doesn't even try to come on to me anymore, i've been with this guy for a year, and are about to give up on intimacy, he doesn't even like it when i suggest watching porn together, we hardly do anything, he used to work alot and i thought that was why but he doesn't work many hours anymore, because i talke dto him about how we never see eachother, he just prefers to watch porn. where are the answers? are there any guys who actually prefer screwing their g/f instead of screwing themselves? even though i am a woman, bearer of life, and wonderfull and all that, i still feel obsolete.

[JaseC]

Angela, I know your post is old and maybe you are not even with that guy anymore. But if he is still having the sexual dysfunction you describe then there is a name for it---Retarded Ejaculation. There are many causes of this but it is very common in guys who watch alot of porno. They get so used to porn that they have a hard time having intercourse with someone in real life.

 

Here's a link with more info:

 

link removed

[JaseC]

see my other post

[JaseC]

TO ADMIN:

 

HIS reasons for watching porn are different from what you think. That's why, when a woman confronts her man the porn, and says she feels insecure and her self esteem is suffering, that the guy looks at her in amazment not really understanding what she means. Men are able to separate and compartmentalize porn from the real relationship in their lives and look at both as totally different things.

 

There is a reason for this other than men's genetics. The sexual experience of masturbation to porn IS totally a totally different than intercourse with a partner. It is a private time for him. He is in a fantasy, the feel of his own hand couldn't be more different from a vagina. Many say the orgasm is far more intense. So you can see why, for men, comparing partner sex and porn/masturbation is like comparing apples and oranges. Men don't understand why women take it so personally because they like to put everything in it's own box. Pure sex in one, sex with someone you care about with feelings involved in another. They see their porn time and their wife or girlfriend time as two unrelated aspects of their lives.

 

The one exception is when a guy comes to prefer porn over partner sex.

That's when the woman would be totally justified in feeling hurt, angry and, depending on the strength of her self esteem, not able to measure up to the porno girls. But even in these cases it is usually more about the guy and his addiction than the desireabilty of the woman in his life.

[jenovanomusuko]

Wow... I truly feel sorry for you.

 

^^I can't stand watching porn all the time. That's just ridiculous. How can someone get addicted to watching other people have sex and not want to have sex? I mean, honestly, isn't that how guys start watching porn in the first place?

 

Only reason I watch it... Sheesh.

 

I mean, wow. I really feel sorry for you. If you keep looking, you may find the right guy. A guy with that little self control in a situation like watching [porn may not be the right guy for you. What does this say about his willpower in general?

 

Honestly, I'm probably making a bad judgement, but based on the information given, it's pretty good. Wow... Watching porn instead of having sex? Where did that come from?

 

You have all my sympathies.

[JaseC]

You are obviously very young and not married. Although many young men get hooked on porn and then have trouble performing with their real life girlfriends (see the link below) I was mostly talking about men who are married and have been married for a few years. After many years of having sex with the same person men tend to crave variety which they get with porn.

 

With a young single guy who is at his sexual peak and perhaps has access to a wide variety of sex partners, porn is usually not a problem. But there are some young guys who do prefer the porn.

 

read this:

 

link removed

[Luciana]

JAseC, excellent article. And so true!!

A litle of it to spice things up I can understand. But the addiciton is serious! It is destroying many marriages because the men are losing attraction to their wives.

[JaseC]

I was just on another website (link removed) reading all the tales of woe from wives and girlfriends of porn guys. I wonder if one way to awaken a man's interest in partner sex again would be to train him to experience it in a different way. Cut the visual input and get him used to touch, taste and smell only. Make sure he doesn't masturbate or watch any porn for a week or so so he's primed. Then light up a few scented candles and put a blindfold on him. The woman would have to do all the work, at least at first-- tempting him with various parts of her body. Who knows, he just might find it far more stimulating and erotic than the porn.

[coasty]

Oh my God. I am learning so much from this site.

 

My boyfriend told me that he watches porn a lot and at times would masturbate 3x per day in front of the computer. He has used porn in this way for years. He has told also me that he doesn't do it as much since we have been together. Don't know if I believe him though. I did look at the history on his computer once and then asked him about whether he'd been looking at porn lately and he lied and said he hadn't. I told him I didn't believe him, but didn't tell him I knew he had based on the history on his computer.

 

He told me that he doesn't feel anything during oral sex, that his penis feels almost numb to it. He also takes a long time to come and sometimes just gives up. He blames this on Effexor, the antidepressant drug he is presently taking. But in reading everything on this post it makes so much sense that he possibly has RE, and this is as a result of his porn addiction. He is too used to his own hand probably.

[JaseC]

Hi Coasty: Effexor and similar anitdepressents will definitely cause retarded ejaculation. It is a major side effect of these drugs.

 

If your BF already had R.E. before he started taking the Effexor then that will just make a bad situation worse.

 

If he did have retarded ejaculation before he started his medication then he needs to go back to the doctor and tell him this. For men with R.E. who suffer from depression, there are drugs and drug combinations that will not make the situation even worse.

 

Get your B.F. to ask the doctor about a combination of the antidepressent WELLBUTRIN taken by itself or in combination with the lowest dose possible of Effexor. WELLBUTRIN is an anit depressent but does not cause R.E.

 

As a matter of fact WELLBUTRIN is sometimes used to treat R.E. in non depressed men. This is because Wellbutrin raises dopamine levels in the brain and to put it unscientifically, it makes you hornier. Sometimes it will be combined with a low dose of VIAGRA which is not an R.E. drug but it does make the penis a bit more sensitive during intercourse or oral sex and really helps a major symptom of R.E.--the numb penis which your BF describes.

 

If I were his Doc I would suggest the following: change the meds to Wellbutrin and the lowest dose of Effexor. I'd also give him a free sample of Viagra (all docs have these samples) I would tell him to lay off the masturbation and/or porn for one week (after waiting two to three weeks for the new meds to kick in) and then you two get down to it.

 

If he STILL is having R.E. probs, I'd take him off the Effexor (SLOWLY--wean off it over 10 days lowering the dose every couple of days) and then try again after a couple of weeks to make sure all the Effexor is out of his system. So.... WELLBUTRIN only and Viagra. You may have to increase the dose of Wellbutrin to make up for stopping the Effexor. ALL THIS HAS TO BE DONE UNDER CAREFUL SUPERVISION BY HIS DOCTOR.

 

If this doesn't work then the RE is more serious and the psychological aspects of the problem need to be discussed with a sex therapist. It takes work but many cases of RE can be cured.

 

Oh and one more thing. If you yourself want to make sex with him even more special, take a little Viagra yourself (cut a pill in half) it has th effect of making most women multiorgasmic.

 

Jas

[Iceman26]

I am with Kennedy.

 

I know you dont want to move on, but I would. Leave him to his geek world cyber porn fantasies and find yourself a real man who will see to your needs.........you should translate his addiction to porn into an addiction of being selfish and uncaring of your feelings and desires.

 

Good luck

[master philanderer]

your boyfriend is looking for something sexually that you can never provide for him, at least not long term. It sounds like the only thing that will satisify him, besides beating off to porn, is if you have sex with him like a porn actress. You may be able to help him with this fantasy occasionally, but it probably won't be sexually satisfying for you. So even if you do it for him occasionally, it won't be enough for him.