will NO CONTACT bring cheating ex boyfriend back and teach him a lesson?

[misssmithviii]

OP, in short here what is evident to me:

You're only adding to the manipulative nature of this relationship already by what you have been doing, so unless you want the relationship to be built upon truth and rationality - cease this.

By coming back to him you are accepting his behavior, and the only way to ensure he doesn't do it again is by him going ABOVE and BEYOND to prove his fidelity to you - meaning, complete and utter transparency, respect and communication.

 

 

For me personally, I have never stood behind the idea of being with someone who could so easily throw me away. You can want it so badly, HIM so badly - but you can't make him love you the way you want him to... remember that.

 

Best wishes.

[spring2507]

soo i spoke to him already and told him that after having some time to myself to think things through i do want to work on our relationship but that i need some more time to myself to sort my feelings out and make myself emotionally stable before continuing in our relationship.....i will call him sometime later next week to actually sit down and have a conversation on how we are going to go about doing this.

 

i feel soo much better that i spoke to him because i felt the sincereity in his voice and saw how he was willing to do what it takes to make this work even if he thinks otherwise......ps he gave me my christmas present which was kay jewelry heart necklace

[DN]

When you do meet and discuss the relationship make sure that the actual act of infidelity doesn't become the sole issue to the exclusion of the reasons for it. Very often the relationship was going wrong for reasons that both partner have responsibility for and that discussion doesn't happen because the cheating trumps everything else.

 

I don't know your particular circumstances but, as an example of what I mean, let's say someone cheated because they felt emotionally or sexually neglected. If that isn't addressed or dealt with then the chances are the relationship will fail. It is necessary for both partners to take responsibility for anything they have done to damage the relationship rather than the person who was cheated upon claiming the moral high ground and thinking they have no responsibility to change any of their negative behaviour or the cheater not to express their feelings as well.

 

Cheating is undeniably wrong and there is no excuse for it. But excuses are not the same thing as reasons and those reasons need to be addressed.

 

if we come to terms with what needs to be done to make this relationship work and we i see his effort

So, spring2507, my point is that you too need to be making any necessary effort not just your boyfriend.

[spring2507]

yes i definitely understand that.. quick question as well..i asked him if he stayed in contact with the girl he cheated with since we broken up and he told me yes but as friends and he handed me his phone so i can see the conversations but i didnt look at it something told me not to...i felt he was being honest but i told him that when we start working on the relationship he needs to cut her off completely and he told me that he will do it but slowly ( idk if this helps but she wasnt some random girl she was a friend of his).....i was a bit upset about it but something told me it doesnt matter as long as the talking does end......should i push on it being terminated completely at once or is it ok for him to do it how he is

[spring2507]

The important thing is, are you going ot be able to believe his answer?

 

i asked him if he stayed in contact with the girl he cheated with since we broken up and he told me yes but as friends and he handed me his phone so i can see the conversations but i didnt look at it something told me not to...i felt he was being honest but i told him that when we start working on the relationship he needs to cut her off completely and he told me that he will do it but slowly ( idk if this helps but she wasnt some random girl she was a friend of his).....i was a bit upset about it but something told me it doesnt matter as long as the talking does end......should i push on it being terminated completely at once or is it ok for him to do it how he is

[DN]

I think friendship with the person he cheated on you with is something he has to sacrifice.

[spring2507]

I think friendship with the person he cheated on you with is something he has to sacrifice.

 

i made that clear to him and he said that he will cut the ties with her but that he is going to distance himself slowly....i believe him it just bothers me why he cant just completely telll her that thats it.....i told him that by the time we start working on the relationship she has to be completely cutt off

[DN]

i made that clear to him and he said that he will cut the ties with her but that he is going to distance himself slowly....i believe him it just bothers me why he cant just completely telll her that thats it.....i told him that by the time we start working on the relationship she has to be completely cutt off

It seems to me simple for him to say "since I am trying to reconcile with my girlfriend it is not appropriate for me to continue a friendship with you under the circumstances."

[OptomisticGirl]

i made that clear to him and he said that he will cut the ties with her but that he is going to distance himself slowly....i believe him it just bothers me why he cant just completely telll her that thats it.....i told him that by the time we start working on the relationship she has to be completely cutt off

 

I'll be honest, that sounds fishy. He cheated with her, friend or not, if he wants to make this work with you, he should be willing to drop her like a hot potato.

[lostnscared]

It's not my own pain...it's my own experiences that I'm using to give someone honest advice..I have been with a cheater and so has my sister. Everyone is different at the end of the day, but this is my honest opinion based on personal knowledge and other's experiences.

 

It is VERY difficult to trust someone and believe what they say after they have cheated. I believe I'm not the only person in this forum that has posted that and believes so. I wish you the best, but I am just letting you know what the possible outcome of you taking him back will be.

 

I disagree with this. My friends husband cheated on her, and they received counseling from their pastor, she forgave them, and they moved pass it. She doesn't question him and she trusts him completely now. It just depends on the person. I think people who have been cheated on and weren't able to move pass it, or the cheating repeated, are biased toward this based on their own experiences. They aren't able to see how a person can get over infidelity or how a cheater isn't always a cheater because they compare the cheating situation to their own experiences. But objectively(taking your emotions and generalizations out of it) it can happen. And happens all the time. But I do agree, that the only way to move forward is with trust, communication, and with forgiveness. A lot of people who stay with cheaters--don't forgive them, or don't trust them anymore and that is what causes the feelings you describe and the damaged relationship. If she can't trust him, and he can't communicate with her WHY he cheated and in what ways they can make it better, and if there is no forgiveness of course it won't work. I suspect that your sister, and others in your situations, didn't do those things(or weren't able to) and that is why it's painful.

Look if people can't get over the infidelity(and people need to be honest with themselves) then yes move on.

 

In terms of the OP, playing games is really immature to me. Since you know you want him despite this, then why not just stay with him and work it out. It's trivial and destructive to play mindgames all for the "sake" of teaching him a lesson.

[OptomisticGirl]

It also depends on the cheater. I very well could have learned to forgive and move on from my ex's mistakes, but he did nothing to SHOW me he was genuine in his feelings of remorse for hurting me. The cheater as well has to show they truly are sorry, and that means giving up a few things for the short term to make sure your partner trusts you.

[lostnscared]

It also depends on the cheater. I very well could have learned to forgive and move on from my ex's mistakes, but he did nothing to SHOW me he was genuine in his feelings of remorse for hurting me. The cheater as well has to show they truly are sorry, and that means giving up a few things for the short term to make sure your partner trusts you.

 

This is true. I never necessarily cheated, but did give my number out and end up in random situations with other men. In happened several times within the first two years of our relationship and each time he forgave me, but it kept happening. It wasn't until we took a long term break, that I had time to assess my actions(why I did it) and make the decision to not do it again for the sake of the relationship. And when we did get back together it didn't happen again. But I suspect that if the other person(the cheater) doesn't understand his reasons or doesn't care(and that is why he cheated) then it will keep happening. That is why I said it's crucial that both people communicate, and are willing to move forward, the person who was cheated on must be willing to forgive and trust, and the cheater must be willing to prove himself/herself and not do it again.

[easy to love]

A month is a long time of not answering to him, he might stick around for another week or so but then take the hint that you are going to keep ignoring him and leave. If your doing this only to prove a point I would stop the NC part. Tell him you want to sort out your feelings and take things slowly so he can work his way back to earning your trust. The cheating the will bother you I just hope you are strong enough to look past it because most people aren't which would make getting back together useless because of all the trust problems you will encounter. If he is the great guy you make him seem like then he should do more than just text you to have a goodnight and try to start proving himself again.

[Starrgrl]

I don't see how you can trust him at all after what he did. It's always going to be at the back of your mind, everytime you guys come accross anything related, this will be bought up in discussion, everytime you watch television and there's cheating involved in the storyline, there's going to be this awkwardness, everytime he has his phone off, doesn't get bak to you quickly, does something strange, you'll be feeling paranoid and slowly go crazy with it.

 

But maybe you're not the norm.

[spring2507]

we spoke and discussed everything and spoke about what will be expected from me as well as from him to make this relationship work....i told him how he needs to be more affectionate with me and all that stuff.. and now 2 days later already he has gone a day without calling me...i know it has nothing to do with the cheating but more like we just spoke about this 2 days ago and he is already starting wrong....what should i do?

[Lonewing]

NC is about getting YOU back so you can stop wasting your time on a "has been" and find the gentleman you deserve.

[eclipse love]

NC may give you time and space to heal and concentrate in yourself. It must be very hard to accept and forgive what he has done to you. Since people are unlikely to change, I think there may be possibility of him cheating again in the future. But if you are able to accept him as he is as a person and let him make a decision regarding to get back together with you, I think there is a great possibility for you to get back with your ex boyfriend.