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will NO CONTACT bring cheating ex boyfriend back and teach him a lesson?

spring2507

By spring2507
in Infidelity

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DN Grand Master

DN

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A common error (IMO) is the line 'once a cheater, always a cheater' - there are people on this forum who have confessed to cheating and have not done it again. I have no reason to doubt them. Relationships can and do survive infidelity.

 

People cheat for a reason and it is important that both partners understand what that reason was and deal with it. If they just put it down to 'a mistake' and try to ignore what caused the cheating then neither one of them can be assured that the 'mistake' won't happen again. So deal with the reason, even if it was just a simple case of lust over reason or more complicated such as issues within the relationship such as lack of intimacy, disconnectedness or whatever. Only then can trust slowly return.

 

But punishment, withdrawal, non-communication and taking actions one doesn't really mean won't work.

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Botched Newbie

Botched

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A common error (IMO) is the line 'once a cheater, always a cheater' - there are people on this forum who have confessed to cheating and have not done it again. I have no reason to doubt them. Relationships can and do survive infidelity.

 

People cheat for a reason and it is important that both partners understand what that reason was and deal with it. If they just put it down to 'a mistake' and try to ignore what caused the cheating then neither one of them can be assured that the 'mistake' won't happen again. So deal with the reason, even if it was just a simple case of lust over reason or more complicated such as issues within the relationship such as lack of intimacy, disconnectedness or whatever. Only then can trust slowly return.

 

But punishment, withdrawal, non-communication and taking actions one doesn't really mean won't work.

 

This is a fantastic post.

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spring2507 Explorer

spring2507

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A common error (IMO) is the line 'once a cheater, always a cheater' - there are people on this forum who have confessed to cheating and have not done it again. I have no reason to doubt them. Relationships can and do survive infidelity.

 

People cheat for a reason and it is important that both partners understand what that reason was and deal with it. If they just put it down to 'a mistake' and try to ignore what caused the cheating then neither one of them can be assured that the 'mistake' won't happen again. So deal with the reason, even if it was just a simple case of lust over reason or more complicated such as issues within the relationship such as lack of intimacy, disconnectedness or whatever. Only then can trust slowly return.

 

But punishment, withdrawal, non-communication and taking actions one doesn't really mean won't work.

 

i dont think i dont undertand the last line

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OptomisticGirl Mentor

OptomisticGirl

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Punishments and withdrawal, or taking actions such as breaking up hoping the cheater will beg for forgiveness, merely compound the problem - they don't solve it.

 

Exactly. And I agree with DN as well, once a cheater, always a cheater doesn't ALWAYS mean that but for a vast majority, it does, simply because the person who cheated is the kind that WILL do it again. But in order for a relationship to work once cheating as occurred, YOU, the wronged one, have to be willing to let go of that 'he wronged me, he is the one that has to be sorry' mentalitiy because it will only destory your future relationship.

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ForumGuy Explorer

ForumGuy

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But punishment, withdrawal, non-communication and taking actions one doesn't really mean won't work.
Saying and doing things without the intent of carrying them out doesn't work because the recipient sooner or later sees through them. One example is NC, that is undertaken, then broken for the purpose of getting the ex back rather than healing yourself, soon loses it's effectiveness and your respect suffers.
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spring2507 Explorer

spring2507

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A common error (IMO) is the line 'once a cheater, always a cheater' - there are people on this forum who have confessed to cheating and have not done it again. I have no reason to doubt them. Relationships can and do survive infidelity.

 

People cheat for a reason and it is important that both partners understand what that reason was and deal with it. If they just put it down to 'a mistake' and try to ignore what caused the cheating then neither one of them can be assured that the 'mistake' won't happen again. So deal with the reason, even if it was just a simple case of lust over reason or more complicated such as issues within the relationship such as lack of intimacy, disconnectedness or whatever. Only then can trust slowly return.

 

But punishment, withdrawal, non-communication and taking actions one doesn't really mean won't work.

 

ok so when i do decide to talk to him i want to know if i should ask him before anything if he stayed in contact with the girl he cheated on me with?(she was a close friend of his not just some random girl) or would this be a mistake to ask?

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Karma20 Newbie

Karma20

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ok so when i do decide to talk to him i want to know if i should ask him before anything if he stayed in contact with the girl he cheated on me with?(she was a close friend of his not just some random girl) or would this be a mistake to ask?

 

No you have every right to know. If you want to work things out then you have to ask him everything you need to know in order to decide whether to continue with him or not.

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spring2507 Explorer

spring2507

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The important thing is, are you going ot be able to believe his answer?

 

yes i will...because i this point i know he he feels he doesnt have anything to hide since we are broken up and its already known that he cheated......problem is idk what to do if he says yes because in a way it wouldve been dumb of him since what happened to us was a result of that but then again we werent together anymore technically

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OptomisticGirl Mentor

OptomisticGirl

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yes i will...because i this point i know he he feels he doesnt have anything to hide since we are broken up and its already known that he cheated......problem is idk what to do if he says yes because in a way it wouldve been dumb of him since what happened to us was a result of that but then again we werent together anymore technically

 

Just tred carefully. In my experience even when you break up, they still hide things. Don't put everything on the fact that he has been 100% honest with you, other wise you are setting yourself up for heart ache if you find out differently. And if he was REALLY sorry he cheated, he wouldn't be in contact with the girl he cheated on you with. He should be heart broken. You have to ask yourself, if he has continued contact with her, what does that mean he really wants to commit to you?

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spring2507 Explorer

spring2507

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Just tred carefully. In my experience even when you break up, they still hide things. Don't put everything on the fact that he has been 100% honest with you, other wise you are setting yourself up for heart ache if you find out differently. And if he was REALLY sorry he cheated, he wouldn't be in contact with the girl he cheated on you with. He should be heart broken. You have to ask yourself, if he has continued contact with her, what does that mean he really wants to commit to you?

 

i guess that will just be one of the things that it wont hurt to ask but i wont really ever know

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spring2507 Explorer

spring2507

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But if you wanted the relationshp to work anyway why break up with him?

 

like i said at the moment it happened my emotions were everywhere i was shocked hurt betrayed and disappointed and my defense mechanism kicked in so i felt as though i did not want nothing with him or the relationship at all ..but now after having sometime to think about logically i have come to terms with what i want...and i guess if i took him back right away he wouldve thought it was too easy and i wanted him to see that i can leave if i wanted to

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Sanesoul Enthusiast

Sanesoul

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like i said at the moment it happened my emotions were everywhere i was shocked hurt betrayed and disappointed and my defense mechanism kicked in so i felt as though i did not want nothing with him or the relationship at all ..but now after having sometime to think about logically i have come to terms with what i want...and i guess if i took him back right away he wouldve thought it was too easy and i wanted him to see that i can leave if i wanted to

 

That is game playing though. You are adults with a detrimental situation to deal with. I cheated on my husband, and am reformed, so it can happen. He needs to be genuinely remorseful though, and the reasons he cheated need to be addressed. There is no excuse for his behavior, but there are reasons. In the aftermath of my infidelity, I had to reassess my life, and work through all the issues that I had so I wouldn't be tempted again. It turns out that my mental state was the reason I cheated. I am completely confident that it will never happen again.

 

The key is that you both don't bury this and just hope for the best. The issues need to be worked on or he will cheat again.

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kourtney01 Contributor

kourtney01

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I am in the same situation..and 4 months after the cheating..I must agree that it isn't the same at all. I'm always jealous, always accusing him and he resents me for it. I have also noticed a change in his behavior lately that has reminded me of the jerk he used to be when he cheated before.

 

Honestly, it's a tough call. I know that's not what you wanted to hear but it's the truth and you shouldn't blame yourself for not sticking it out because he's the one that destroyed what you guys had to begin with. And if you do take him back and he does it again, it will hurt 1000 times more. (again, I speak from experience) So make sure you weigh all of that in when you make your decision.

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kourtney01 Contributor

kourtney01

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It's not my own pain...it's my own experiences that I'm using to give someone honest advice..I have been with a cheater and so has my sister. Everyone is different at the end of the day, but this is my honest opinion based on personal knowledge and other's experiences.

 

It is VERY difficult to trust someone and believe what they say after they have cheated. I believe I'm not the only person in this forum that has posted that and believes so. I wish you the best, but I am just letting you know what the possible outcome of you taking him back will be.

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