Should I give up hope?????

[JustPlainSad]

Hey all.

 

My girlfriend exploded last week and said she want to take time apart. We had been fighting for the past 2 months or so. It was wearing thin on the both of us. Well she made the call last week. I'm sad as you could imagine but I do realize it was necessary. I missed her so much the past week pretty much a day didn't go by without an email, pm or call to her. I did the usual, let give it one more shot, I'm sorry, I can change, blah blah blah. The same stuff everyone does. Well yesterday I said I had enough to try and get her back. Now its the no communication phase. Unfortunately I'll se her at work once a week so that is going to be interesting. I most likely pusher her away by me being pushy and that probably got on her nerves. She wants it to be civil when we see each other. Which I am very well capable of. I'm sad now but am getting better. I do understand that it was necessary. She's said the usual, I dont know if we'll get back together, I dont know if we have a future, I think you should move on etc. She has been under a lot of stress the past few months and I know this. Our arguing has not helped that at all. It was both of us, more so me, but we definitely both had a roll in it. She is going through all of the negatives about our relationship and will not look at the positives, I'm guessing thats normal. I said to her if you can say that you are not in love with me or dont love me I will leave you alone completely. No answer. So I guess I can take that as a positive. Before we got off I did the usual I will always Love you, which I will she's def the one, she could not return it however. That made me sad. Could women still love a person and not be able to say it? If so why? But I asked her I know you dont think we have a future but can you at least keep a little hope? She said, yeah, I will.

 

What do all of you think of this situation? Any comments, insights or questions?

 

I know what I have to adjust with myself and my personality. Thats aparent. I tried to tell her now but of course it looks like I'm just saying it to "win" her back. But I know thats not why I'm doing it. The only way that she'll know I changed is by showing her. I guess i can do it little by little at work. I'm going to try my hardest to not contact her at all. She emailed me on monday for the way she acted Sunday when we talked. Apologizing for how she acted. She has the option of blocking me on IM (we did that a lot) but she has not. Is that a good sign?

 

Any input is much appreciated!!!!!

[mercurydreams]

It is really possible she may still love you. She might just be confused about her feelings for you.

 

I have told my bf before that I can't say that right now, when I was confused.

 

Give her a bit of time. Don't totally give up on it yet. Let her sort her feelings out.

[JustPlainSad]

Is it possible for women to just talk nonsense when they're angry? Just say things they dont mean?

[_Ramirez_]

Well you seem to have good chances to get her back and she might still really love you but can't take the fighting anymore. What I will say next might not have too much sense to you but its a working method of getting someone back.

 

Firstly I think you should stop pressuring her. It will make her want to go away from you, not come back to you. Agree with anything she says or does. She wants you to be civil when you meet her at work? then agree to it and be civil. Talk of trivial things, not of your relationship, be a gentleman to her. That means agreeing with her negative feelings too. It will be hard but I'm sure you can do it. Do not defend yourself, just agree and sound sincere. If you can manage that you should be able to stop the fighting.

 

Then you should act perfectly happy about everything as it is. Keep it to the status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell her that she is correct, agree with her interpretation of the situation if thats what she wants. Yes it was mostly your fault, yes she is right you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is thats she want. Put no pressure at all.

 

Now, this does not mean no contact. You can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time so don't do it. Now is not the time. She will be the one to initiate serious talk when she'll feel ready for it.

 

3 things to avoid if you want her back.

- The first one is to give her reassurance. Don't say "I've changed, I'm not the same" and so forth. This almost never works and only tell her that you didn't really change but that you're ready to do anything or say anything to get her back.

- The second one is to to tell her over and over again, "I love you." That never works. In the end it will sound like empty words with no meaning.

- The third one is arguing, reasoning, trying to talk her into feeling different of the ones she's in right now. That never works, it only add up to the negative feelings she might have toward you.

 

All of us say things they regret or not really mean when they are mad, thats why you should try to take out all the negative feelings out of the converstions you have with her. If you don't give her the signal you want to continue fighting, arguing and defending yourself then she will reconsider coming back to you.

 

I almost forgot: you should not give up hope Try to get her back if you really love her. I hope this help.

[OceanEyes]

If you don't mind my asking, what were the major issues between you, and what reasons did she give you when she said she wanted to 'take time apart'? I think you should pay very close attention to the arguments that lead up to her saying that. A lot of the time, women don't come directly out and say exactly what's getting on our nerves. Here's an example:

 

She says "I'm so tired of arguing with you, you never LISTEN to me!"

 

What she really means "I love you and I've been trying so hard to communicate my feelings with you. I am feeling exhausted, and at times, that you hear only what you want to hear. I know you're tired too, but if you could really hear what I'm saying and try to understand me, I think we could be really happy!"

 

Most couples argue relentlessly because both are misunderstanding the other. If you can pinpoint exactly what you're arguing about and at least try to understand the other person and where they're coming from, it should only get easier.

 

I think, by what you've said, that your girlfriend needs a chance to cool off. All of the arguments and harsh words spoken have probably left her pretty lost emotionally. If she really didn't love you anymore, I think she would say so. If she really wanted to be rid of you completely she probably would have just said so, or given you one of those "I love you, you're great but I can't do this anymore" speeches.

 

The next time you talk to her, focus on her, don't make promises. Tell her something like, "I feel so bad about how everything has gone. I would really like a chance to be able to understand you, I made the mistake of not doing that before, which is probably why we argued". Making promises that you probably won't keep is unrealistic. If you end up being together again, you might have your promises thrown back in your face if you don't uphold them. Just make a genuine effort to understand and cherish her views on things, even if they do seem unreasonable to you. You can disagree with her without putting her down or making her feel bad!

[JustPlainSad]

Some of the things we argued about was little things that ballooned into big things. We argued about possessivness both on her part and on my part. I had a close friend/girl and she didnt like her all too much. She would throw that in my face. She did something shady in the beginning and I would throw that in her face, although we both let it go over the last 3-4 months or so. It wasnt a big deal for that time. Things did change between us. I think we did an aweful lot of communicating and then when we saw each other we had nothing else talk about. We were both possessive, me a little more. It part because of what she did in the beginning. And that was always in the back of my mind. But as I said the last few months I didnt care at all. I got her to admit that If I did the same she would have a little doubt about me. But once she said that I was perfectly cool. We both were stressed the last few months and used each other as a punching bag of sorts. Mye with job and such her with career and what to do in school and family pressure. I think that also got to her and she just blew up.

 

I really agree with the break but I dont agree with how negative she is. Its been "you'll find someone that will make you happy, I dont think we work right now, I dont see a future with us, blah blah blah." She just said she really loves me and is in love with me just last week but couldnt take it anymore. She said she resents me for certain things and that will not allow her to come back. Deep down I just think she is just really pissed and its coming out really really negative. She said I think you should move one. But before we stopped talking yesterday I asked her "Can you at least have some hope for us?" She replied, "yeah, I will." With everything else she said thats the most important to me.

 

Well its been over a day and I've held back from communicating with her. She hasnt blocked me from AIM or anything. I should be good for the night. Its been two weeks since we have actually seen each other. I may see her on Saturday because we both have crossing schedules.

 

Oceaneyes. Can she say things she really doesnt mean because she has some resentment towards me and she is just really pissed at me? Will time heal those wounds?

 

She did stuff to me but I still cannot resent her for that because I consider resent hate and I dont hate her. I have been able and have been let go by other women before. I was OK with that. This woman is it to me. This is the one and I am willing to do anything necessary to make this right. Without losing myself. The things I need to adjust will make me a better person and a better person for her. I hope I get the chance to prove that again.

 

Thank you for all the help so far people. I really appreciate it!

[JustPlainSad]

Well of course this morning had to suck. She was in my dream last night. Not a bit part but the whole dream. Then once I woke up an realized she wasn't there I got sad Hopefully these feelung subside really fast. I do not want to go through the day like this!

[JustPlainSad]

Well its been two days without contact. I'll have to see her in two days. I hope that I can handle it. I have a lot of things to say and ask but I'm going to try not to.

 

How can a woman go from "how are you the most amazing thing on this earth" to "I think you should move on, I dont see a future between us" within a month? I mean what the f*ck.

 

I was looking at some of our old emails and they were so loving. Sure we had probs but the ups were way up. I'm so f*cking confused. Right now I dont think I could get back with her because I'm really hurt. I do need time myself.

 

I'm kinda angry at her right now. I dont know why exactly. I guess its because I read those emails that came in the past month and now she's like this. So yeah I'm angry at her. She said she's angry at me because I've changed. Thats why I went to look back. I didnt change like she claims. Sure some things have but for the most part nope!

[JustPlainSad]

Anybody have any other input or help for me?

[_Ramirez_]

Our everyday life can be really stressful those days with the job, the career, the family, so little time for ourselves, etc. That can destroy a relationship so quickly that we don't have the time to see it go and suddenly one of the two say: "I can't take it anymore, I love you but its over between us". To me it seems that your relationship is not really over, its just that the tension, the stress and the fighting got to her before it got to you and she just doesn't find the courage and energy to go on with it.

 

There is a small war going on between you and her those days, even if you don't see it like this. Its who will win this argument or that point, its who will have the most logic, who will be right, etc. You said you communicated with her, but did your really understood what she meant? What's in the past must stay in the past. If you take an example from her past she will take one from yours and this will stop any constructive conversation. If you take a stone to throw at her she will reply with a rock and if she reply with a rock you will go get a mountain… you see the point. Talk about now and not about before.

 

Stop being pessimistic. Its crazy but we can become addicted to our own pessimism. Stop saying to yourself: "this won't work, she don't want to come back with me" or "we'll never be able to solve that problem". Try to think positive and look like it. Look like you believe there is a chance, look like you really think everything's going to be alright, be confident. It will you a lot and you might even start to believe it 

 

Talking about the relationship every time you talk to her won't help the relationship right now, it will only hurt it more. You need to re-establish a normal contact with her, talk to her about other thing, trivial stuff, happy stuff, try to make her laugh. You want to make her think about the one she love, not the one she learned to hate and to fight with. You were two friends before going out together, try to remember it. If you look happy and make her feel she was right to do what she did (even if you really think its not) then you will stop defending yourself and by doing so she will stop defending herself. You might even be surprised if you agree with her saying you where wrong, she might really well defend you by saying something like: "well I have my part in this, its not all your fault." It will be hard, but one of you two need to make the first move and put down his guard. Might as well be you. You have nothing to lose and will look strong. Don't be afraid to look weak because being able to do that is a proof of great inner strength and control.

 

Well its kinda long. I hope this not non-sense to you and that maybe it will help you a bit.

[danimal77]

It's Dan to the rescue!!!!!!!!!

 

Okay, reading what you had written, I pulled out one quote from you and this is how went: "Is it possible for women to just talk nonsense when they're angry? Just say things they dont mean?"

 

Yes, anything is possible, but I do believe that people are situational and that means, that they feel something at the moment, based on the circumstances and at that point in time, their feelings are very real to them and thereforeeee, you must respect her for the time being and work on your issues, ALONE and then re-present yourself to her in a while. I'd give it at least a month and then she will be so much more open to you, because you'll have worked on the situation on so many angles. You'll have respected her time and space she needed for herself, to sort out her thoughts vs. her feelings for you and also, you'll have had a significant amount of time to know that you can function without her in your life, which will give you more confidence while in her presense, which is crucial.

 

It's only been 2 days in all reality. I did like 2 months of NC and look where I am today. Be smart and be logical. DO NOT approach her with your hear. Approach her with your head. She will be that much more adept at listening to you.

 

Dan

[JustPlainSad]

Thanks Ram. It does help. ANY help is help. I want to get as much of it as possible so I can choose what I feel is best. So far its been three days and no contact. For some reason I feel like a million bucks. I dont know why. I cant explain it. I just feel really good right now. Its really weird. So I dont know whats up. I've had no contact from her so thats not it. Something happened today and I just feel better. Huh go figure. Tomorrow it can be a different story. But for right now I'm OK!

[JustPlainSad]

Thank you also DAN! I wish I could help people out on her but my situation is so draining that I just dont think I could help anyone right now. Like if I can give out advice then I shouldnt be asking. Hopefully after everything settels I can help others out too.

[_Ramirez_]

I cant explain it. I just feel really good right now. Its really weird. So I dont know whats up. I've had no contact from her so thats not it. Something happened today and I just feel better. Huh go figure. Tomorrow it can be a different story. But for right now I'm OK!

 

Look like you had your share of stress from this whole thing too. You're getting a relief from that break too. Its completely normal. Its the no contact that does that, you didn't have to argue about anything for 3 full days. You're getting back some freedom. Be careful not to like it too much you might not want to come back in a relationship

 

Maybe you should keep it that way for a while and just think about yourself. Be selfish, do stuff you couldn't do when in couple (go drink a beer alone somewhere and take one for me

[JustPlainSad]

Well I saw her this morning. At first she avoided me but I said screw it so I went and talked to her. I asked her whats up. She was noticibly shy and nervous. We ended up talking away from people and she was really nervous around me. She couldnt look at me and what not. I just wanted to ask her what else is going on because she's not herself. So we small talked and such for a while. I asked her why she's so nervous she just said I dont want to do this at work. I just said we're just talking we not doing anything We're not going to get into it. So when It was time to leave I asked her if she wanted to walk me out she said no. I said c'mon in a joking manner and was laughing, she was laughing and smiling also. But she kept saying no. So i got up to leave and I wanted to whisper to her how beautiful she looked but she said just go. i said I cant whisper something to you? She said just go. I said is this that hard for you? She said please just go. She was definitely hurting because she couldnt look at me when I was leaving. She almost was hiding under the desk. I said how can this be that hard. She said please just go. I tried to not make it a big deal so I just left. I got a little annoyed. So I PM'd her telling her that I just wanted to whisper how beautiful she still is, because she really really is. So thats what happened. She was smiling at me and really uncomfortable so I guess I can take that to mean she still has feelings for me. What do my enotalone psychologists think?

[craigblitz]

Back off a little bit buddy..... I think the best advice given to you was by Dan. Give it some time, let her work the angles in her mind for a while then re-approach her. Rome was not built in a day... take some time to reflect on you, her, and the realtionship. It is hard and scary and emotionally exhausting... I know been there, doing, writing the book. Right now realize everything you do and say is a mute point to her and if nothing else will just push her even further away.

 

Stay strong, mentally, physically, and emotionally during the next month then try to establish some type of contact.

[sweetione]

I agree that you need to back off. You were pushing too hard and when that happens the other person will run away from you. You both need some time and take it slow.

 

It sounds like she still loves you but you both need space to breathe alittle. If she asks to go away or to leave her alone, don't push it. Just do it. Respect her wishes and you will get much further, alot faster. Put her needs first.

 

"Love is like a shadow. Chase it and it runs away. Walk away and it will follow you."

[JustPlainSad]

Well its gonna be another two weeks or so that we won't see each other. It really sucks because when i was talking to her I forgot about the issues I had with her. Her being shy and very nervous tells me she still has feelings. Well thats how I'm taking it. I know I need to give her time. i did the past three days. Today was a must see her. Just like what it will be in another two weeks. I'm going to try my hardest to not contact her the next two weeks. It will be rough but I'll try it my hardest. I want to think of this as a game. Like trying to make her call me or her trying to make me call. But I cannot help to fear losing her. I guess thats just a natural reaction/feeling that we all feel. I guess I will have to try to get higher confidence. Its rough because the initial shock is over. Now its losing the one I love and literally my best friend. I have never been able to say that about a woman before. But I can honestly say that about her. She's not sleeping, eating really bad and such. I really care for her well being and I told her that. I told her she is different and I hope she gets through this because I've never seen her like this.

 

So I guess I'll take the shyness and how hard it was to get her to even say good bye to mean she still has feelings regardless of what she said to me before.

 

Well I was happy yesterday and today I'm a little sad. I guess this is the rollercoaster called love.....

[JustPlainSad]

Forget it. I blocked her on MSM. I cant deal with this anymore. I cared about her feelings and her well being and asked how she was doing. She did not do that for me. That pisses me off to no end. I was genuinly concerned about her well being because of all her stress and such causing her to not eat right or sleep right. I was concerned. She was not. Screw that. I'm tired of caring soo much for her!

[smarker]

I think our ability to love other people is what makes us special.

Don't beat yourself up for being the better person.

I would like to think that if you show love to others you will have it returned. If not from her, from someone who deserves yours in return.

A good friend of mine once told me that we wouldn't treat our friends half as bad as we treat ourselves. Be nice to yourself. Sound like you deserve it.

[JustPlainSad]

Well I sent a long email. I didnt say lets get back together, or I miss you or anything like that. I just cleared the air of a lot of issues I had on my head. This was my closure I guess. She didnt want to talk or meet or anything so that was the only way I could do it. I didnt say I hate you or talk about the future. I just talked about my feelings on the whole situation. She needed to hear my point of view on certain issues. I needed to voice what I am feeling right now rather than the usual begging and pleading I did in the beginning. I just could not hold it in anymore. I dont know if it was the right or wrong thing to do but I felt like I needed to.

[JustPlainSad]

Well after waking up I thought about the email I sent and I feel it was necessary for my well being. If I did not express my feelings it would have been eating at me for weeks or until we were able to sit down and discuss these things, who know when that would have been. I'm not looking for a response. I just want her to know what I feel and what I am thinking. If she responds then I am fine with that right now.

 

I have already begun to make changes. Not for her but for myself. I realized the things I needed to change and I realized it before everything was ended and began to make changes. I'm not changing myself just adjusting a little bit to make my life better.

[JustPlainSad]

Well its starting to eat at me again. I still dont feel like I have closure because we havent done this face to face. What should I do? I want to talk to her face to face away from work. Should I call her and tell her this?

[elan164]

i dont think you should call her you just sent her an email, you need to get out and find another girl or just find some girls as friends that you can hang out with. im having trouble with this right now too, my exgf phoned me and came over after 4 days of calling ti quits and at the end said well ill leave it for you to phone me next and ive been having a hard time not phoning her, but ive gone for 3 days without doing it, its been hard but its what needs to be done. so i think thats what you have to do. just try and meet as many girls as you can it helps the greeving process.

[JustPlainSad]

Well no contact yesterday. I was very very difficult. For me at least, its getting harder and harder as the days pass. I received no response to the email, was hoping that one would come but it came as no surprise that one didn't. Can you say giving up hope as we speak?????. Its very difficult to not want to call her, go see her, email her or message her. I know meeting girls will help the process but I dont want to do that just yet. Its only been two weeks since this all happened. How would it look if I already met another girl? My guess is not too good. So I dont think that would be a good option elan.

 

I hope this storm passes. I hope in the end we will just start over and forget about this break up. We both know what the issues were. I know there are things I need to work on. I know there are things she needs to work on. I think the gravity of the issues were magnified tremendously because of both of our stress levels because I took a strong look back at the both of us and it wasn't all that bad. I hope this break brings us back together. I know I can live my life with this woman. I hope will feel the same. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life. It truly is.....