Saw My Ex. I Lied and Now I'm More Depressed

[skynet74]

My Ex came by to get her mail this morning. Surprised me since she usually gets it at night. Actually woke me up when she knocked at the door. But I guess she decided she would rather get it this morning than after work. So that's fine. I slipped a change of address form in with her mail. She asked if I put it there and then I kindly responded, Yes.... it would probably be a good idea to use it.

 

We talked for about 10 minutes. We were very amicable towards one another. I acted happy and told a funny story too. I gave her a hug and was not pushed away like I was two weeks ago. (Guess that No Contact did some good). I put on my game face and tried to be the same guy she first fell for 10 years ago. I think I did well.

 

Problem was that she ended up telling me she was seeing two guys. I on the other hand haven't seen ANYBODY! I've been so busy holding out hope for us that I haven't been actively pursuing a relationship. But when she told me about these two other guys I felt at a severe disadvantage. I did not want her to think that I was still pining over her. So I told her that I met a girl on link removed and she was my new girlfriend. I didn't want to lie.... but I really felt I needed to level the playing field. I've been alone for many months while she has continued to date others. Me waiting for her has had Zero success. I figured that if she felt I'm actually moving on without her that she will stop and think about what she lost.

 

But after she left I felt overwheming Sadness. I don't know if it's just from seeing her or if it's because I now know she continues to Date others. I'm really not surprised...... but just hearing it makes it feel like another stake thru my heart! I'm feeling pretty down right now.

 

Should I have not lied about the girl? Should I continue not to call her or should I remain in contact and build off the nice guy she saw today?

Advice please.

 

 

 

John

[MissJBug]

Seeing that you truly do love her (still). Im the kind of person that wouldnt go and play little relationship breakup games. I would tell her "I lied to you about seeing someone, I actually did that because I thought there was some hope that maybe you and I could get back together, I still want to be with you"... Maybe shes lying about the 2 men also, because she didnt want to hear how YOU moved on and how shes stuck. (the same way you thought)

[DopeStar]

I wouldn't call her....

 

You have planted a seed and now you just need to see if it will grow. Give it some time to sink in that you are moving on, or acting like you are atleast.

 

Between the change of address form and the other girl story, I think you may have shown her something she didn't want to see. I mean why would she keep letting her mail go there, for months you said, without having some interest in you even if it is small. You just cut her string and now your free and that may get her worried.

 

Good luck

[d346]

ok,

so it sounds like she is doing what she said she wanted to do -be out there and date others. It hurts and it sucks, so I think it's all the more reason to continue to not call her. Obviously right now she doesn't want to get back together, so you need to do NC for your own sanity. If you really want to get back together, just keep time in perspective. you dated for 10 years, so maybe she needs a year to figure things out. Seems like a long time, but in proportion to the length of time you were together, maybe not.

 

As for the lie, don't fuss over it. It just came out. It's ok. I just think in order to keep your dignity (you don't want to look like a fool, if you elaborate more and get caught), just don't mention it anymore -and if she mentions it again, and just say "it didn't work out" no details. You could probably even say "I wasn't ready" Because honestly, it makes you look responsible, not rushing into anything new too quickly.

 

Hang in there. I guess NC will now serve you better as a time to move on and gain your strength rather than win her back. But you never know what will happen as a result, down the road.

[deebee]

I think the white lie was OK in the circumstances. I think she may have been point-scoring by telling you about her two dates. At best, it was insensitive.

 

My interpretation would be that she is moving on, so the NC should continue.

[ReneinDC]

I know exactly how you feel because I did the same thing when I broke up the first time.. I made him "think" I was seeing someone when I wasn't but you know what.. it was a good thing to do under the circumstances. Sometimes we have to do unconventional things to get over hurt so I wouldn't feel bad about the white lie at all.. I think it will help you in the long run. The more nonchalant I acted towards him the more it drove him nuts and it's working again this time only I dont want him back.

 

It will be ok you'll see ((hug))

[CherryGrl]

Hi John,

I can see why you might feel bad about lying and maybe that was not the best thing to do, but I sure do understand the feeling of wanting to level the playing field a bit!

 

Now that you've told her this story, you might just want to give things a bit of time and see how it affects her. Could be that if she still has feelings for you, she will be bothered by the idea that you might be seeing someone else and it WILL make her think about the nice guy she is letting get away.

 

If this woman did not want to keep in touch, seems to me she would have changed the address on all her mail already. I know if I did not want to see a guy anymore, that is one of the first things I would have done. I would not continue to come by his house to pick up my mail.

 

You pretty much know you are going to see her again, since she'll be by to get her mail again, right? So maybe between now and then it would be a good idea to not contact her, remain cool, and see how she acts toward you the next time she comes by.

[Mun]

Hi,

Wow I can see why you lied and I think alot of guys would do what you did.

 

I was on the receiving end ( or was it giving?) of this type of lie. I told him I was moving on to someone else. He told me he was already in a relationship (thinking I had someone in mind-I didn't). I continued to be single ( dating here and there) While he told mutual friends that he was not happy but content with his relationship. I don't think he knew how to get out of it.

 

It's like a big hole you just keep digging yourself in deeper.

 

I wouldn't mention it anymore. It's really none of her business who you are or aren't dating. If she asks then you have to wonder-- Why does she want to know?

 

Remember: Where there once were flames--ashes remain

[skynet74]

Thanks for all the great advice. I Love this Place! Yeah..... I am feeling less and less guilty about the little white lie. I'm beginning to think that the sadness I felt had more to do with seeing her than lying to her. I did plant that seed and now she's going to sit and think about it. (which I feel is a good thing). I'm going to play it cool and not mention it again. I'm also not going to call her either. Let it appear that I've really moved on. This is probably the stage where she'll start second guessing her decision. I guess it's really not a bad position for me to be in right now.

 

Thanks again everyone!

 

 

 

John

[Beec]

hhhmmm, not so sure I like the lie, but then again it is not the biggest deal in the world.

 

I would recommend acting like anything she says like this has no affect on you. No reaction whatsoever postive or negative.

 

I would also think that your reacting so quickly to her saying this would also indicate that it is best to stay away at this time. If you want to get her back creating contact when you are going to react is going to result in you defeating your purpose. So, I would prescribe a little more NC for now.

 

I'd also tell you to go get one of those link removed dates. It will help all the way around.

[Scout]

Absolutely understandable white lie. I've done it myself before. But yeah, don't dig yourself in a deeper hole, I like the other poster's comment "I wasn't ready." Hang in there, Sky - you're starting to figure out how all this works, and you're acting/saying the right things. Love it that you slipped the change of address form in there!

[skynet74]

Thanks Scout. Yes at least I have an "Easy Out" of that white lie if need be. I can just tell my Ex that I wasn't ready. Good advice. But for now I'll let the Ex sit and stew. No need for me to ever bring up the new girl again. However....... I did pick AN ACTUAL girl from link removed that I plan on writing to. So it's not totally inconceivable that my little white lie could soon turn into truth. We'll see what happens.

 

thanks again,

 

John

[lunatic]

Hey John,

 

I have been following your story for a while. I can tell you that I would have done the same thing with the white lie. It is time John to start to consider moving on from this woman. Who knows how she will react when she does find out that your out there making friends and such.

 

That was a great move on your part to put the change of address form in with her mail. What a great move and I am sure that also shook her a little.

 

John it is time for you to make that decision... the decision to move on. Why do you continue to sit there and wait for her to come back. I would get out there and show her that there is life without her for you. Who knows you might just cause her to come back by showing her how strong you can be.

 

Relax and get you life in order,

 

Hubman 8)

[ReneinDC]

I invented a person once upon a time when I was going thru a breakup with a co-worker.. yep.. "Mike from Seattle" MFS would send me gifts *that I was sending to myself* or call the ex co-workers extention by mistake *was a cousin of mine helping* and the co worker saw how "happy" I was with this new guy that he wanted me back and I wouldn't have anything to do with him again. I even started to believe Mike existed myself.. I wonder how Mike is these days.. maybe he'll "reappear" for this breakup lol

 

I'm not advocating this manuever.. but the end result sure felt good!

[Bingo72]

I wouldn't spend anymore time thinking she might come back, do you really want her anyway, after she left you?

 

I wouldn't worry about the lie you told. It's none of her business anyway and you must ask yourself "why do I care what she knows about me now."

 

If you guys had been together that long and it isn't working out then in my sincere opinion I think you need to move on. You never know who you might meet and then realize how much happiness someone new can give that you were missing from your ex the whole time.

[skynet74]

If you guys had been together that long and it isn't working out then in my sincere opinion I think you need to move on. You never know who you might meet and then realize how much happiness someone new can give that you were missing from your ex the whole time.

------------------

 

I agreee with you. However... anyone who has ever been in a long term relationship will tell you that it's incredibly hard to just forget and move on. There are so many good memories that I don't want to let go of. I don't hate the Ex. I just hate the way she's been treating me this year.

 

Judging by her behavior of increased drinking, frequent clubbing, new wardrobe style, new friends, Dating different people and an out all uncharacteristic attitude, it's obvious she is trying to hold onto her youth. A rebel without a cause. An early Midlife crisis. Someone who thinks the grass is greener on the other side. It all fits into the same puzzle. She's desperately trying to find the missing piece. One day she will realize that the missing piece has been under her nose all along. She just wasn't ready to put it in place.

 

 

 

John

[kate111]

Skynet,

 

Your ie was very understandable given that your ex was talking to you, the dumped, about the two men she was dating.

 

That was VERY insensitive of her. Your reaction was just to 'save face'.

 

Your ex sounds a bit selfish if you ask me and she obviously is not used to considering YOUR feelings at all.

 

However in future, do not lie. Just don't give out any information at all.

 

Thats right, no contact.

 

This is one of the reasons no contact is used. It spares you the pain of knowing what your ex is up to, because believe me buddy, you probably don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss.

 

You need to stop all contct with her and wait until she is ready to contact you.

 

If she comes to pick up the mail again remind her about the change of address.

[skynet74]

I have a better solution. I get my new live in Girlfriend to hand her the mail the next time she shows up!

 

O.K. there is no new live in girlfriend...... but if I had one that would be my solution.

 

 

 

 

John

[kate111]

Seriously John,

 

The best revenge (ie the thing that will hurt her most) is not to care.

 

It may not seem like that now but beliee me it really hurts to see the person who you dumped, not really give a s--t.

 

No contact is best. Tell her to redirect her mail.

 

Then get the new girlfriend. For YOURSELF, not for her benefit.

[d346]

Yeah, sometimes doing well on your own is more impressive than getting a new girlfriend/boyfriend. I think if you date someone seriously too soon, it may look like you're weak/pathetic and can't be alone.

 

when I broke up, I fantasized about doing great things with my life...getting a fabulous new job, buying my own house, etc... I think perfecting yourself is the biggest revenge (well maybe revenge is a harsh word) because your ex would think "man, and I could have been with that!"

 

food for thought.

[Beec]

Seriously John,

 

The best revenge (ie the thing that will hurt her most) is not to care.

 

It may not seem like that now but beliee me it really hurts to see the person who you dumped, not really give a s--t.

 

No contact is best. Tell her to redirect her mail.

 

Then get the new girlfriend. For YOURSELF, not for her benefit.

 

I may agree or not agree on whether no contact is best, but kate111 hit the bullseye with the rest of this post. The best thing is to not care, and the second best is to act like you don't.

[danimal77]

John,

 

I personally like your move, A LOT!! If she has bad experiences with these two new guys she is seeing right now, you will be hearing from her in a HURRY!!

 

Kate111, I must intervene. While your advice is sound and "logica", it is not the best way to get an ex's attention. You cannot just sit back and wait for them to make contact, as you completely advocated for me to do a month and a half ago. Sorry, but if I would have taken your comments to heart back then, I would not have been so successful with my now girlfriend. I have seen her every single day and it just keeps getting better.

 

John, hang tight buddy. Come to me for advice when you need some and I'll be gald to help you. I am still learning friend, but a little discipline and a lot of courage is what is required.

 

Dan

[skynet74]

I appreciate the advice Dan. No Contact is good for a little while just so that things can calm down. Nothing is going to get better by talking logic to an angry person who wants to get away from you. You need for them to stop running away first. This is where No Contact comes in. If you stop chasing them then they have nothing to run from anymore. This is the point where it's fine to initiate contact and try to salvage something.

 

 

 

 

John

[danimal77]

Agreed buddy. Never fight fire with fire.

 

Dan

[Mun]

You are both right.

 

When you stop chasing something, it stops running away