Was this a bad move on my part???

[craigblitz]

Long story she broke up after 3 years ahs contacted me a lot for the past 6 weeks and we have gone out several times. I was finding it way too hard juat to be friends so I wote her this letter:

 

I am going to try to keep this as short as possible, but what I am saying I have to say. It has been nice talking to you and seeing you on the weekends, but like I have told you before I can not be your friend. My feelings for you were way too strong just to be casual friends. I truly loved you with all my heart, and me allowing myself to be your friend is just a slap in my face. I have never settled for second best and I am not going to start to do it. I have made my feelings for you be known very clearly and you have let me know that is not how you feel about me. It is obvious what I have to offer you is not good enough or what you want so in order for me to fully move on without you I need this space to be able to find that person who will love me equally as much for what I have to offer. Basically what I am saying is unless you have something to say about us, I do not want to be a part of it. All the contact just gives me hope that maybe someday we can work things out and that you still care, but it is obvious that it is false hope and I am not going to live my life holding on to something that I can never have. It is sooo frustrating having no clue what you think about me or us, it drives me crazy. You have not said either way so the only thing I know from your actions is that you do not love me and do not want to ever be with me, so I have to do this for myself.

 

I am truly glad you are enjoying your life and getting out more and experiencing things that you felt you were missing. I want you to know that I never tried to hold you back from these things. I am glad you are realizing how beautiful you are, and it hurts hearing about other guys hitting on you, but at the same time I am happy because you never had a lot of self confidence in yourself. I tried all the time to tell you how great you were, but maybe you need to hear it from someone else to believe it. I have no idea what you are looking for in life or what you are trying to find but I hope you find it, but look hard because often times these things in life are not found in bars or clubs or by people who spend all their free time there. I pray to god every night that you do not get hurt, but I know I need to stop caring so this is my last piece of advice for you.

 

 

She wrote an email that said : Wow, I'm sorry then. I thought we could be friends but I guess I was wrong. I will always love you. I won't contact you anymore.

 

Then at 1:30am she text me and says: I still have some of your clothes I will drop them off this week and be out of your life,

 

It sounds like she is mad... I did not do this to make her mad... I just needed to be honest with myself and the situation was killing me. How do you think she took it?

 

It kills me that she says she will always love me, then why even after that letter I still have no idea why she broke up or how she feels? I am so numb and confussed right now, but so it goes. It is hard to imagine these might be the last words ever spoken by 2 people who deeply loved one another and did not break up on bad terms.

[Fletch F. Fletch]

Craig,

 

You were honest with her and you told her your feelings. She has to respect that. If not now, then she will eventually. You did the right thing. Now NC starts. You can think about picking this back up in a few months, but take care of yourself first.

 

Fletch

[d346]

I think you did the right thing!!!!!

 

She said "I thought we could be friends but I guess I was wrong."

That proves that she didn't take to heart the fact that you didn't want to be friends!! she thought you guyd WERE friends, and she was perfectly content with that! But we all know you were not.

 

Now, honestly, you are probably in shock that she said she'd leave you alone. Thinking, Oh my god, what did I do??!!! Don't panic. First of all if you didn't say anything, this would apparently gone on for months! She is obviously shocked, but will get over it. This is when she's actually going to start thinking. FOR REAL. She wasn't before. She didn't have to.

 

If she is mad or upset when she drops off your clothes/things just say what Shocked & Dismayed suggested: "given that this breakup was not a mutual decision, it just doesn't seem realistic that we are friends". I like that. Short, to the point, and not unreasonable. It should get her wheels turning in that head of hers.

 

Trust me, she'll contact you again. Most likely not for idle chat next time!!

 

Be strong! You did a good thing!!!

[kekep]

this letter is sooo something i would write to my ex. however, i would not have given it to him! when i'm feeling particularly nostalgic, i write letters to my ex in a notebook. maybe one day, if we get back together (crossed fingers) i will let my ex see it, but at this point it would probably make matters worse because he would see how sad i am without him. as much as i want to tell you that giving her the letter was the right thing to do (and maybe it was), i truly believe that you cannot force someone to fall in love with you again no matter how much you beg and plead with words. in fact, i think it does just the opposite. if she was going to come back to you, she needed to realize it on her own how special the love is that you had give to her. i mean, this is what i'm hoping my own love will come to realize. YOU HAVE TO BE HOPEFUL BUT NOT CRAZY!! a true break-up kind of brings the relationship back to square one. you need to move on in your life so she knows you're okay without her, build your self-confidence back up, and then call her up when you're not feeling emotionally vulnerable. then you can offer her friendship in a real way, and she will probably remember why she fell in love with you in the first place. the thing that sucks is it sounds to me like you were already halfway there but then you put your heart out on the line, which made her feel pressured to give you a final answer, and that is why you are hurting right now. she rejected your love, AGAIN!

[leftalone]

No, it was NOT a bad move. We all reach the point you reached - after over a month of coffee, small talk, friendly contact, and then even a week of romantic 'dates', I had had it with my ex's refusal to discuss his feelings for me or us or just about anything. So, I did what you did - I blew my cover, revealed my hand and told him how I felt, reminding him that I had said right from the get-go 'do not bother trying to be my friend, it's not possible for me', and I felt like that's exactly what he was trying to do. With nowhere to go but up, I told him I loved him, but that if he wanted to be single, then go ahead and be single, but he'd have to do it without me in his life in any context. And then, miserable but faced with no other hope, etc., I cut off contact completely (during which time I joined this board, which probably saved my life!). I made myself face the very real possibility that my future was not going to include him after all, after trying and hoping for two agonizing, long months of hope and denial.

 

Three weeks into NC, what do you know? I run into him, he looks stunned that that was it from me as far as contact goes, and within a week from that point, he started to make firm advances. We're now seeing each other romantically, and he has told me that once I said thanks for the memories, I can't do this, can you put all of our photos on a CD so I can have them for my memory box, he realized the finality of the place I had reached, and that he didn't want finality…

 

You had to do this, Craig…every time I got to a point where I'd go "oh my god, what did I do, why didn't I just stay in limbo. At least that way he was in my life…????" I remembered how AWFUL and confusing and exhausting limbo was - almost worse than the first days of the break-up itself. I think you will find that the NC stage, while very, very sad, is also freeing in the way that you have made a decision that there is nothing left you can do.

 

She is stunned by what you said - her text message was a very girl-move of not being able to just take what you said and end it there…she wants to "come get some stuff", probably because she was not prepared for you to stop allowing her the possiblity of seeing you in person. I don't think she's mad - all you did was tell her how you feel about her, and how what you have with her right now flies right in the face of how you feel (i.e. you love her…). No sane person would be able to be in a friendship with someone they were still in love with, and she had to know she'd run out of rope there…

 

Now do it - NO CONTACT, whatever it takes. My very firm guess, based on my own almost exact scenario, is that she will come around once you have dropped off her map…

[craigblitz]

Thank you all for the replies....

KeKep.. Maybe you are right, but I did not write that letter as an ultimatium or to force her love back. I know that never works. I do not think I shown any weakness because she already knows that I love her, I said it before. I have even told her no to friends before. This is not a game or a ploy to get her back. Maybe she was half way there but who is to say that she would not always stay there if she knew she still had me around. I am sad at her response for the fact I think it was selfish and immature. She did not address any of the issues at all and baically like a little kid said fine!!! I am however 100% confident I did the right thing.... I am sure of it. Maybe it is not the right thing to do to get her back, but it was the right thing for me do say listen you are having your cake and eating it and only worrying about your feelings. Well I am worried about my feelings and being strung along.

 

Like I said there are no "games" that will win a person back. They will either realize it themselves or they won't. I got sick of the game and said forget this, I am an adult and don't want to play this game anymore.

 

Thanks again for the insights everyone.

[d346]

Kekep,

 

I dont' know if you have followed his posts, but I think Craig was doing all those things you suggested to move on. The only thing is, is that his ex kept IMing him/texting him little comments and one liners -one cannot possibly move on with that kind of idle chit chat.

 

Even though it makes you a bit vulnerable to show your feelings in a letter like that, I think there's a point where you have to say ENOUGH! If you want to break up, then commit to it and don't string me along!

[lady00]

she is probably hurt because in a way you rejected her by turning down her friendship. no one likes rejection of any form. but you did the right thing. you were honest with her and that shows that you respect yourself and her. it's painful, but sometimes we cannot be friends with the ex. sometimes life is better without the ex in it at all.

[Scout]

Craig, I had the same impression about her response - it's like, did she even really read what you said?? No addressing the issues, and yeah, a really immature response. Does that give you a bit more insight into who she is? After my ex and I broke up, I wrote him this long letter really trying to explain how I felt about things, I mean I took pains to address issues I thought needed to be aired, said some personal things about my childhood in it, etc. and I got exactly the same kind of response back. A one sentence defensive email that was written in a way for me to feel guilty for even sending the letter. To be honest, that's when I started to realize....maybe this guy and I just aren't on the same level here...I expected more intelligent feedback.

 

I also applaud what you wrote in the letter. Now, I am one of the eNotalone posters who probably isn't as patient as some of the others are here, and I also don't think the "friends" thing works out that often. And no, you can't be "Friends" when they dumped you, it wasn't a mutual decision and are you supposed to just become this "neutered ex boyfriend" now??? (got that phrase from one of Rich's posts, which I thought was really funny...he always comes up with the perfect terms!)

 

All that being said, you're still going to be angry about this for a while, so vent away! We're here for ya.

 

- Scout

[_Ramirez_]

I think you did the right thing. You're showing a lot of maturity to be able to express yourself like this in a letter and to actually have the guts to send it after you wrote it is really something you should be proud of. You've been true to yourself. The fact she didn't show your level of maturity can't be blamed on you. Like a spoiled kid she said: fine! I won't talk to you anymore if thats what you want. Now she'll go back to her party life and you can can move on with yours.

 

You've already learned a lot of this I suspect and I'm sure you will find a real self respect in your action. Don't worry you did nothing wrong. I sincerely hope you'll find the one that will give you back what you have to offer, love in that case.

[kekep]

sorry to offer bad advice. it sounds like from what others said you have followed the advice of the NC period, and i didn't mean to make you feel bad for express your true feelings to your ex. i think I am still in a state where I know talking to my ex will not make things better, and I need to stop thinking about other relationships from my own perspective. Good luck to you, and I hope all works out, or at least you come out a stronger, better person in the end.

[shockeddismayed]

Craig,

 

I just wanted to add a little to what I said in my PM.

 

As you can see here... we are all behind you.

 

Taking the 1000 foot level, it is clear (only in hindsight) that you really didn't give this girl any sort of NC in order for her to feel the consequences of her actions.

 

As others have said, she was having her cake, and was still behaving in a very selfish way. Both with respect to her treatment of you and her treatment of your son's feelings.

 

Unfortunately, from her response... it doesn't seem that she can see that yet. I firmly believe that she will... she needs to be stunned and smacked in the head with the true consequences of her actions before she can have the personal growth that is required for true recovery.

 

Your letter did exactly that. There was nothing manipulative or malicious about it. You were fair and measured. Things that I have come to see are part of who you are as a person and are probably the EXACT qualities that I'd guess your EXGF originally fell in love with.

 

Trust that IF she ever grows up, she will see that. Also trust that you will likely find someone else who is ALREADY grown up and will appreciate those qualities in you without you having to TEACH them.

 

Won't that be nice for a change?!

 

You are in an excellent place to walk away. You gave this girl all that can be expected and more... no one will be able to say to her that you treated her poorly... you can take pride in your ability to give without receiving in return... that is true SELFLESSNESS, and very few people have the strength for it.

 

I firmly believe that in the breakup of a serious relationship, the dumper and the dumpee often start in opposite places and move in opposite directions. Dumpees are FORCED to deal with things and come to grips with the situation right away... this allows them to heal and achieve personal growth. Dumpers often get extreme guilt or feelings of selfishness that prevent them from dealing with their actions. Eventually as they heal more slowly, they come to grips with the TRUE reasons they ended things and often have to deal with that new self knowledge. Only once that happens can they be ready to try again.... their process takes more time because it can be delayed or avoided. Some dumpees may never realize this.

 

I feel this is probably happening with you and your EX.... she is still midway through this process, while you have probably gotten most, if not all of the learning you can from this situation... you feel the need to move on b/c there is nothing else here for you... while your EX is still stuck trying to figure her [beep] out.

 

It's tough... but there in nothing you can do to speed her process... so try and act a bit like her and just move on for a while.

 

The laws of convergence will bring you back together if it is meant to happen (that sounds like such BS, but it can be true).

[Scout]

Shocked, great post. I hope you take your own advice!

[shockeddismayed]

Ha!

 

Where do you think it came from?

[Scout]

Any update on your situation, Shocked?

[craigblitz]

Thanks everyone for the replies, it is amazing how words from complete strangers can help you make it through the day. S&D, how can I even thank you enough. You and muneca(where has she been?) have been so nice and patient with my stubborn ass.... I am still just in a state of numb. 100% CONFIDENT what I did was right for me. Limbo is no place to be. I am just putting it in higher hands right now and see where the wind blows me. I am no longer strapped down with uncertainty you know. There is hurt there because of my whole perception of her has changed. I never seen her as selfish or immature, but actions are louder than words right... I will be around, hopefully I can help someone like so many of you helped me.

[cassiana]

I think you did the right thing. I think her response shows that she is mad that she didn't get everything her own way. She could have you about safe in the knowledge that you loved her but she free to date. If things went wrong she could have a fallback. Any person with an ounce of sensitivity would realise that you being friends while she dated was going to cut you to the bone. Now she has to make a choice. She doesn't like that, tough! Its time she did some thinking. Now you let her do the running. If she doesn't then you know that you have spared yourself from alot of suffering and humiliation. Now the NC begins.

[badBoy101]

you did EXACTLY the right thing is cutting off ALL contact and regaining CONTROL here.

 

I did the same with my ex after she broke it off after 3 1/2 years together.

 

She wanted to keep my stuff because it comforted her and she refused to remove my name from her MSN buddy list.

 

All this was designed to keep me hanging "just in case"......the oldest trick in the book.....

 

After writing several times for my stuff and weeks passing with it not being returned we spoke online for a hour. I t was all chatty, flirty and at the end she said she had LOVED talking to me.

 

I realised I was in her comfort zone and this would go on and on until SHE decided I was no longer required.

 

I asked for my stuff back one last time along with the removal of my name and when, once again she refused I did it for her. I eventually got my stuff back and as far as she is concerned I have disappeared from the face of the earth.

 

 

I'm no-one comfort zone, safety net or back-up and she must now take the full consequences of her actions.

 

It's not a game to get her back but a serious move to regain control and put me firmly in the driving seat of my own life.

 

I have no idea if she'll ever make contact again......who knows........

 

Life goes on and I am once again doing things for myself soI applaud your brave but wise decision to make NC mean just that.

 

Well done.........

 

badboy101

[saltwatergirl]

I jsut read this thread. I made this same decision yesterday, that I can no longer stay in limbo anymore, and told him it's over. I have sat here allday thinking.......why did I do this. I mean at least he was still in my life, I could have waited a little longer, blah blah." After I read this post I realized, No, I did do the right thing. I have to regain control of myself and not let him string me along with empty words and little actions.

 

I am hoping this NC brings him to his senses. But I ALMOST messed it up by calling him today.....thank god I came here first and read this thread.

 

THANK YOU so much to all of you on this board.

 

PS I think the letter was fine, and she addressed nothing that you said...amazing. I sent a similar email and got almost the same response. It's unbelievable how some people just flat don't get it.

[craigblitz]

That is one thing I am grateful for is that I have not initiated contact her for almost the entire time of the break-up. I hope that will make this decision a little easier but we will see. The only type of contact I have with her at all was reading her away messages on AIM. She use to communicate to me indirectly through that, (yeah I know very 6th grade huh). Anway, I check it today and it says Boys are stupid, glad I am not one. Well there is no doubt she was at the bar so maybe she was talking about some asses there, but trust me that was a shot at me. I want to be like yeah boys are stupid, but nevermind.

 

Before you all start telling me that I need to stop checking the message you are right, and I will.

 

Saltwater, be strong there is no need to contact them. You know that too, if there is something you want to write him pm me or someone on this board. Stay strong

[d346]

Boys are stupid...hmmm, again a sign of the maturity level you were dealing with.

 

Maybe in time she'll grow up a bit, and realize she wants to be with a man, not a boy, and perhaps she'll be ready for a real relationship with you!

[craigblitz]

I agree d346... It is just soo weird... I am not looking at things through rose colored glasses but what she is doing is just not her at all. She is becoming selfish and immature more and more. The thing I use to love about her was that she always put others first, hell she is not even going to her friends wedding shower and she is the brides maid???

 

I have said from day 1 that the people she is hanging out with are bad news and I am seeing the change in her personality... Oh well.... Like you have said makes more sure of my decision, but doesn't make it any easier. I have taken the 2 days off and it has been good, but tomorrow I am taking on the world again.

[Mun]

Hi Craig,

I just found this thread. I posted on your old one a few days back. I had stopped posting on it, but kept reading it from time to time. I felt there wasn't much I could contribute to it so I didn't.

 

I don't think this was a bad move at all. You laid it all down on the table for her to look at it. I can see that you wanted to know how she felt, you didn't want to wait any longer. Her response floored me. You poured your heart out to her and and all she could say was " I guess we can't be friends" I think that says it all. She is not ready to come back. It surprises me because she still wanted to go out with you and she asked about your son. I think everyone else who said she was keeping you as back-up is right. She didn't want to lose you, but she wasn't ready to commit to you yet.

 

You did the right thing. Now there is no doubt in her mind about what YOU want. If she is not up for it she knows to leave you alone.

 

You're a smart guy and you should have no trouble finding the right woman for you one day. Keep doing positive things with yourself. Get out there and enjoy life. Be good

[shockeddismayed]

Any update on your situation, Shocked?

 

None. No word now in 3 weeks (or 17 days from my apology letter).

 

I haven't heard a peep from her. Could be b/c she is angry... could be b/c I told her I was through... could be b/c what started our blow up was her feeling that we both needed more time to heal.

 

Who knows. But I'm trying not to play that game.

 

Meanwhile, I have been going through the rollercoaster of emotions we've all experienced. The valleys are much shallower... so that's good. I'm waking up in the morning with either an anger that she can still be so rediculous to throw "us" away or sometimes a feeling of loneliness for her.

 

I'm 110% sure she is feeling some of the same conflicting feelings.

 

However I have also felt some optimism and excitement about re-entering the dating world. Went out on Tuesday with a completely new girl... it was ok. Baby steps.

 

I've come to accept that the only thing that will take away my anger and feelings of betrayal (where she is concerned) are the words, "I made a terrible mistake, let's try again". I've also come to accept that she may not be able to try unless my anger and feelings of betrayal don't exist... so we'd might end up at a stalemate if she ever thought of coming back.

 

I guess I am starting to see this whole situation as WRONG.... but also one of the tragic things that happens in life. Sometimes good people just screw good things up.

 

I'm letting it go.

 

However I am sure there will be more drama in the next few months, one way or another. My work is taking me into the small hospital where my EX works. For 3 days a week my office is literally one floor above hers. The other interesting tidbit is that my EXEX (from way back) is going to be studying in the same hospital come Sept. She has been showing some interest (she's away for the summer), and I'd always wondered whether she and I were a "bad timing" thing earlier. The EXEX was always VERY jealous of the EX.... so this little drama could get pretty twisted.

 

Oh well... whatever. I'm not going to be looking for any trouble.

 

lol.... I used to lead such a quiet life... weekends at home depot... dinner parties.

[shockeddismayed]

There you go Craig...

 

Do you see those votes in your favour.

 

All of these people (myself included) eventually got to the same place as you.... sure we were willing to give of ourselves and wait for them to change their minds... but we weren't willing to be walked on.

 

You've done a great thing here. The way you handled this breakup has been admirable.

 

Let her think what she wants about "boys"... you showed her you are a secure man.