My head was in the clouds, 1 month old baby. On the verge of divorce.

[thejigsup]

You have a child. Your life is not yours anymore and won't be for many years. I gave up smoking, hanging with the girls, staying out late, and free time for many years. I divorced my husband (you sound very much like him) because he drank and refused to grow up. I raised my son on my own. I have worked THREE jobs at a time sometimes and always went to school at the same time. My son is now 22-years-old and a great guy! I am finishing up my Master's and have a great bf of 11 years. I knew the minute my son was born that my agenda would run second for a long, long, time. It was worth it. So, I advise you to put on your big boy pants and grow up. It's time.

[SpottiOtti]

I don't think the OP is anywhere near ready to put on the big boy pants and grow up. I think he stayed with this woman out of convenience, not love, and is now resenting being tied down by this situation (it's not convenient anymore, is it?). In order for that to change, his mindset has to change, and he is clearly set on his way of thinking.

 

My advice? Stay with her for the first year to help out (and help out, for real). Then leave her. She deserves somebody who really loves her and is in the same place she is, and that person is clearly not you.

 

Not bashing you, just saying it straight.

[Lester]

After I read your first post I looked for your age, thinking 16 maybe 17? Then you said 30… wow! I suspect you’ll have relationship problems for the rest of your life.

[NRG75]

You need to live your life for your child now.

[NRG75]

Honestly,

 

You need to stay right where you are, get your head out of your A about your life and start moving in a forward direction. It's a cold world out there, it's cold man. You're a family man now and you need to start making your family first. You can compromise on other issues as time goes on. Especially with the birth of your newborn son, you're needed there, to help pitch in and to help pull your load. These are tough times and you're thinking about walking out on the woman who's taken you in when you had no place to go to. I'm going to be real with you, that's very suspect and I think you need to reevaluate your priorities.

Gonna agree with this.

[SurfThyme]

Although there were no children in my former marriage, I can say that my ex was very similar to yourself. I got criticized all the time for "controlling" him when all I wanted was to know where he was and when he would be coming home, I was "controlling" him because I didn't appreciate him meeting up with friends that I knew he was doing drugs with, etc. To everyone else, it didn't come accross as "controlling" because I cared about him and demanded some respect but to him that's all I ever was doing. He had married me for basically the same reasons you did your wife - for convenience and nothing more.

 

I didn't know but after about the 5th year together he started doing as you, talking up other women, selling such a sad woeful life of being married to me. When I started chemotherapy in our 6th year together he even had the gall to tell some 18 year old (he was almost 30 at the time), that he was having an emotional affair, with that he really wanted to leave me but he would look bad to our families if he left during my bout with cancer. Talk about a sweet loving MATURE guy - NOT!!

 

We talked about his problems, we saw counselors, we tried to fix the problems but it couldn't be done because he hadn't loved me. He may have loved the idea of being married once upon a time but not for the long haul. He wanted to remain 16 for eternity (and still acts like it at 40.)

 

Do you know what he DIDN'T do, he never left me. He advanced from emotional affairs to physical affairs but never left. It was too convenient for him and he was too scared to go out on his own. After almost 19 years together, when I finally could lie to myself no more and had to admit that I was married to a man-child, I left him finally. Although my own blindness to not wanting to accept the kind of man I was married to was partly to blame, I had a whole lot of resentment towards my ex for never being man enough to let me know that he was never truly in love with me and letting me go much earlier - earlier enough that I may have beared my own child, created good memories with another man who truly loved me, not had to deal with depression for almost 13 years, instead of just using me for all those years. Because when it comes down to it, that's what both you and he are doing - using your spouse.

 

Be good co-parents to your son and count your blessings that you have that child but please don't waste that woman's life or your own for that matter. You may not love her but she probably does love you and doesn't even know that she means nowhere the same to you as you do to her. Leave now and let both of yourselves find people who you do truly love. Both my ex and I are in happy but separate relationships today but there was no reason that he wasted our 20's and 30's by pretending to love me when he didn't.

[Blue Spiral]

If you hadn't married her and had a kid with her, you could walk out the door free and clear. But you did, and now you're basically screwed. Sorry.

[charity]

gosh my heart is beating so hard while i'm reading this.

 

you ARE my ex. musician, free spirit, wanted a family and the idea of a family but not the work of it. so we split, he met his ideal free spirited woman, that didn't work ,they split and now he is thinking harder about his life at age 45 and saying that he is missing out on too much of our childrens life.

 

heres what i think.

 

yes of course marriage and children is hard work. it can be wonderful but there is no getting away from it, it is a big responsibility and a huge change to our life. i don't know if anyone is ever READY for that change. some people (perhaps depending on their unbringing) step readily into that role, wheras others rebel against the sacrifices and injustice of it all. so one thing you need to realize is that can be normal, this fear and this feeling of being trapped. especially when your relationship is not loving and committed.

 

you possibly can fall in your wife again, but you have to WANT to. and she has to compromise too. being controlling, demanding and unaccepting of a persons personality is not ok. she knew who you were when she married you and you are entitled to your individuality. you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself to make a marriage work. so BOTH OF YOU need to compromise.

 

you do owe it to your family to give this a proper shot. you have to fight to make it work. it won't always be like that but now it is. your baby is WEEKS old for goodness sake, don't even think about leaving. think about doing your upmost to SAVE it.

 

how? for one, forget about other woman. ignore your desires ,make a conscious decision to focus on your wife only.

talk to your wife, really really talk. tell her that you don't wanna lose yourself, but you realize that yourself needs some add on's(more family time, more helping,more commitment). tell her you are committed to her and children, no other females. then of course you need to explain that you have been feeling unhappy and trapped by her controlling. she has to agree to be more accepting of you and your individuality. and remember she is unique too and maybe its just a case of taking down barriers and discovering eachother again.

 

maybe it will work, maybe not. but you should try. at least for a year. you have nothing to lose and lots to gain. if after then, you are still miserable, and the marriage is in ruins, then of course you must leave.

[Lonewing]

Love is not gone - because love is a commitment. Your passion for her may be weak right now, but that is because you are resisting some of these necessary changes in your life that will make you for the better. You may very well have to cut the band back to two nights a week - one night practice, one night concerts, but this is the reality of bands. It's a great idea while you're still a teen or not yet tied down with real life, but now, well, welcome to real life!!

 

You keep up playing music, though, your kids will appreciate that if you can play for them or teach them to play once they're older. And maybe you'll have to find another hobby or something fun in your life. And you might want to start seriously thinking about what you want to do as a career - because in a few years, whe you son starts grammar school, you will have all sorts of time to apply yourself. The money you make will be a great contruibution to the household, allow yourself to surprise-date your wife [as in, take her out for an unexpected date and pay for it yourself], and get yourself the pretty things you want for yourself.

 

You stay because you love your wife. You stop entertaining these other foxes because you love your wife. You give up smoking because you love yourself, ahem, you love your children, ahem, you love your wife! You pursue a responsible job because you love your wife.

 

Right now, I'd say your a bit in a rut, and she's nagging you about it - She saw something greater in you, or otherwise I don't think she'd be with you - So it's natural you don't feel any passion towards her. You've allowed her to become your nemesis, the source of your struggle. In reality, your struggle has been with yourself for a very long time, and you still struggle with yourself now over moving up form where you are.

 

Your passion for her will return once you get a little more accomplishment back in your life. And then you'll discover "love' you never thought possible before - but it starts with loving the one you're with!

[scissor]

Here's my experience with a one-month old baby: If you're doing it right (being a parent to a newborn), there is no way in hell that you'd have enough free time to constantly post on BBs as much as you do, let alone play in a band (yes, I'm in a band and I gladly put in on hold during the first few months of both my kid's lives). Sorry to be so harsh, but seriously, it's easy to say you love your child, but it's REALLY REALLY difficult to change diapers around the clock, feed your child, wash clothes, run errands, take late shifts and all the other crap that comes along with fatherhood. I may be entirely wrong, but it seems like you're a spectator in your child's life, not a participant.

 

If you really think your marriage is over, that's fine. You'll probably be happier getting a divorce. If you want to be in a band, cool, I totally know the feeling. If you want to bang another chick, well, we're men, right? But here's the thing: all of that stuff is in the future.

 

Right now, your child needs you. Suck it up, keep your #$%^ in your pants and take an active role in your family, at least for a few more months. Put the band on hold for a bit. If they say they're going to kick you out, well then you probably suck and you should start practicing until you're irreplaceable (just kidding!) The point is, regardless of what happens with you and your wife in the future, you can at least say that you did the right thing and didn't miss out on this extremely important time in your child's development.

 

P.S. I was in a loveless marriage when my second child was born, but I stuck it out for seven months to make sure my daughter had everything she needed, which included bonding time with her dad. During this time, I went to counseling to make sure my head was in the right place for my children. My wife and I eventually separated and we now share 50/50 joint custody. Life is tough, but I at least feel like I'm in control of my destiny.

 

When you have kids, time flies. I promise, stick it out for a bit and you'll be walking past this in no time.