Helpful Tip for Healing After a Breakup or Divorce

[Princess777]

When going through a breakup or a divorce, and you're doing the no contact thing, or even if you're not, I think it's beneficial to separate your emotions from the actual situation in order to think more clearly and move on with your life with little damage to your self esteem. When done properly, you'll almost instantly feel more confident and not so clingy and needy for this person or anyone in the future. It also helps with jealousy and other issues.

 

If you really want to get over someone, you've got to force yourself, which will undoubtedly be against your will, to see reality for what it really is and not what you wish it was. This technique works wonders, I feel. We already know what we wish it was: that you were back together. However, the reality is that you are here and they are there, and the other person no longer feels that you and they are a good match and it's not the end of the world just because this one individual feels this way, and you cannot control them, their thoughts, or their feelings. Think about all the pain they've caused you and the fact that you don't want to experience that pain anymore. The key is to SEPARATE how you feel about that person from the SITUATION at hand. Your life as a whole has not ended because one person doesn't feel that you fit into their life. It's their decision, not gospel.

 

If we stop relying on other people or any other outside source to fulfill us, to make us "happy" then we would be a lot better off.

 

This of course does not stop all the pain, but it can help, I truly believe. It's kind of a wake-up call.

 

I wish anyone luck with this technique.... it has worked for me in the past, and I now know that even if things don't go the way I'd planned, I'll be OK.

[Brandell]

"The key is to SEPARATE how you feel about that person from the SITUATION at hand. Your life as a whole has not ended because one person doesn't feel that you fit into their life. It's their decision, not gospel."

 

Hiya,

 

Again thats too much being in control healing for the average person who visits this site. The average person is heart broken, confused, angry and emotional. The reality of healing is twofold and takes time. The first is no contact to sort out all the emotions. What else is there?

 

The second is what you say above about separating your feelings for the person for the situation at hand.

 

Who do you think comes to this site regularly? The broken hearted who DO NOT KNOW how to do what you suggest above. I am saying no contact helps (for whatever reason) in the early stages.

 

I think the veterans need to keep out of this one.

[kungfumaster]

If we stop relying on other people or any other outside source to fulfill us, to make us "happy" then we would be a lot better off.

 

In my humble opinion, I whole-heartedly agree Princess777.

 

I just wanted to add one thing, although it might not be totally related to helping people heal from their recent break-ups, but does have to do with the quote above and relationships. As a quote from this one book I was reading, the relationships that will ultimately go the long haul are the ones in which start when "our own pails of life are so full that it is overflowing, in which time, there comes a need for someone to come and soak up the excess", i.e., we are happy with our lives BY OURSELVES, independent of anyone or anything.

[Scout]

Kungfu, love the new avatar! welcome back from vacation...

[Princess777]

I agree that the average person who comes here is broken hearted. This is why I was offering this advice because when I was broken hearted, I forced myself to realize reality and it helped me greatly. I truly want to help others. I was not trying to demean anyone....

[Scout]

I always enjoy reading your posts, Princess, and think you give good, solid advice.

[lisaria]

Hey princess777,

You made alot of sense and you are helping people. Lots of times you never even know it.

I agree with what you said. You do need to step back and take a look at things without the emotions in the way. My head says YES!!! But my stupid heart says....but. but. but. It is just a matter of getting to the point where you can do that. And Brandell, yes, the only way to get there is through no contact.

We are all up here to heal and help. Thank you everyone for your posts. They are helping. I love this forum.

lisaria

[vetgirl]

"our own pails of life are so full that it is overflowing, in which time, there comes a need for someone to come and soak up the excess", i.e., we are happy with our lives BY OURSELVES, independent of anyone or anything."

 

I LOVE this concept. It sounds so romantic and fullfulling. I hope that it pans out to be true for us all!

[Rahll]

you've got to force yourself, which will undoubtedly be against your will, to see reality for what it really is and not what you wish it was. This technique works wonders

 

If we stop relying on other people or any other outside source to fulfill us, to make us "happy" then we would be a lot better off.

 

Wow, amazing. Your the first person (and I talk about these kind of things to many many people) who shares similar views to myself.

 

There is a lot of pain in life, and a lot of things that cause pain our out of our control. Many pepole will tell you to accept pain, and learn from it, but that's not the best way.

 

If you dont like how you feel, then change it. It's hard to do but is worth it. If something (any situation) causes you emotinal pain, then either change the situation, or when you cant, change yourself. Eveyone secertaly knows how he or she would like to be.

 

Just be carful not to numb your self fromt he pain, which is somethign completely different. Numbing your self will cause worse problems later on and will prevent you from feeling good.

 

Simply acknowledge where the pain comes from, and slowly convince yourself that you wont let it effect you, and eventually it wont. You will still feel and experiance pain, along with all the other emotions, but thoes emotings will not control you or dictate how you feel about everything else.

[EatZ]

Princess777 definitely has the right idea.

 

Lets face it. Every single one of us on these forums could easily wallow in our sadness forever. We could easily cry and weep and bawl our eyes out daily, torture ourselves stupid over thoughts about our exes. Anything and everything that prevents us from moving on and keeps us clutching to a hope or dream that has done nothing but evaporated by now. We could continue to do this till the ends of time, if we let ourselves.

 

I agree with everyone that says it's much too much for the average person to cope with or be able to do straight after a break-up. Even several months after a break-up. I agree with this, believe me! It's about the same as someone saying to you "There's plenty of fish in the sea", or "You deserve better", or the dreaded "Get over it!".

 

In these extreme moments of pain, these are NOT what you want to hear. Sometimes I feel like the most emotional guy on the planet, and I never thought for a second that I'd ever heal in the weeks just after my break-up. I always thought I'd be scarred by this break-up, and struggle through each day for the rest of my life. I thought I was forever scorned by love, and that I was a weak, pathetic person for not being able to snap out of this depression...

 

... But after a while, I wanted to be more active in my healing. I knew that time was definitely the best medicine, but that medicine wouldn't work if I was sabotaging it with just as much poison.

 

I had to stop my mind racing. I had to stop thinking "what if", and I had to start thinking about what's going on in front of me. What I had to achieve in the short-term and the long-term, not dwell on the unchangeable events of the past... I had a job that I needed to do well in, and drifting from day to day in complete despair was not doing me (or my job!) any good... for some of you, you'll have kids that you need to stay strong for, or other commitments or daily "things" that can't wait around for you to heal.

 

It really is what you have to do. When you feel strong enough to do it, you have to snap youself out of it and say to yourself "RIGHT! Time for healing!". And this isn't a light-switch change I'm talking about. It's all about baby steps.

 

First you might want to take up some hobby which allows you to be alone with your thoughts, but doing something constructive (or FUN!) with your time. Perhaps something you've wanted to do for a very very long time!

 

I took up astronomy, pool/snooker, running and reading.... I'd say of all of those, reading has been my saviour.

 

Next you might want to start socialising again. Going out with friends and the like. Grabbing a coffee, going to a movie, taking a walk, anything you feel like. It doesn't have to be clubbing and bar-hopping in search of the next "soulmate". NOTHING along those lines AT ALL. It only has to be what you can handle, but it has to be a step towards preoccupying yourself. If you don't start to do things again, you'll be stuck in a rut forever!

 

Soon you'll start to find these things are easy. Perhaps not as enjoyable as they could be, but at least you're doing them, and you'll feel better for being strong enough for getting out of the house and doing something constructive for a change! You'll start to want more happiness. More peace of mind... The next step for me was to stop myself in my tracks whenever my mind started to race and make me sick to my stomach from thinking about my ex. As soon as my mind started to wander, whether it was re-living the dreaded day of the break-up, thinking about the good times I no longer have, or thinking about her smothering her new boyfriend with all the love and affection that I wanted to have, I'd mentally yell "NICK!" (my name) at myself on the inside, and visualise a wall rising up between me and my thoughts.

 

It's was excellent technique for me. It was a way for me to recognise when my thoughts were starting to take control, and actively stopping them in their tracks by diverting my thoughts from "the ex". I know now that the only thing thinking about the ex achieves anymore is working me up and making me angry. Sometimes even making me a complete blubbering mess again. It's just not worth it, I don't want that anymore. I don't NEED it anymore.

 

I'm READY to let go!

 

Granted, it took me about 2 months before I could start doing this, but I don't think I could've done it any sooner anyway. It was a tough road to get to where I am now, but I've made it, and I feel SO proud of how strong I am. I didn't know I had it in me. I've got a long way to go still, but I know it's upwards and onwards.

 

YAY!

[fantasia2004]

mY process of letting go is hard but possible and a never ending struggle everyday.

 

but never less,

 

I love the enthusiasm for the rest of you and it is quite nice that you all came to that realization on your own and are able to achieve it. Yes it is true . That no one was put on this earth to make you happy only you can do that.

[deebee]

Thanks for the reminder, Princess777. It takes some doing, but I'm at the point where that separation is starting to happen for me too. It's nearly three months since the break up and I think I'm in the anger phase: I REFUSE to let it grind me down anymore! Like EatZ, I try and catch those pesky negative thoughts before they worm their way into my brain.

 

Strangely, I did come to the same conclusion as you quite early after the break. After the shock had subsided, my rational side took over and it was a huge relief. I was glad to have survived such a deep emotional crisis with my head intact. But as time went on, I slid back and forth, went up and down, whilst slowly making progress.

 

Now my train of thought is more along the lines of what an idiot my ex was to let go of our relationship. No Contact has been a useful mechanism to get the distance necessary to reach this point. And it actually makes me feel more positive!

 

I've been busier doing some of the things I kept meaning to, like working on my car, riding my bike, getting my hair cut, applying for jobs and so on. I even stopped drinking on weekdays and have felt a lot sharper and in control. Guess what? Got an interview for a great job next week and another job offer in the bag!

 

Soon I'll be in a better job, earning more money, feeling more confident and secure, being more at ease with my self and my life, and generally just happier. But she won't be around to see and share any of that because she thought I wasn't good enough for her. What an IDIOT!!

 

EatZ - glad to see you are feeling better too!

[EatZ]

I've come a long way from 10 weeks ago indeed! Like I said, there's still a way to go, but there's not much that can stop me now.

 

Since I haven't actively been discussing my own problems on these forums, I'm surprised that anyone had noticed me (let alone how I've been getting on). I'm really heartened that you did deebee. Thanks so much!

 

Take care!

[chocos]

I totally agree with princess... and i guess i healed pretty fast for a past relationship that scarred me pretty badly... sometimes, we can be in self denial but i guess we all need to just spend that quiet solitary moment to step back and think again...

[deebee]

You are not alone EatZ! Maybe I took notice because your avatar is a picture of you, which stood out. You also seem to have been going through the same thing on a similar timescale to me (nearly three months since B Day).

 

I haven't posted my warts and all story on here either, but have tended to talk about bits and pieces in response to other posts. I think I've only started one post, when my ex e-mailed me and I wanted advice on how to respond. I've found it helpful to read about other peoples situations and how they relate to mine.

 

It's funny when you look back on how you felt right after the break. Like you, I thought it would stay with me forever. Now it seems like an age away. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm moving towards it. Hope it's not a train!

[Princess777]

Thank you for all of your responses. I too, feel that once a person reaches the point of being TIRED of feeling sad all the time, and they're ready for a better life and they're READY to stop giving their energy and their entire days to someone who's not even there anymore, they will find this technique helpful. Thank you for pointing out other aspects... Great responses everyone!

 

It's not easy and yes, there will be rollercoaster days. I just hope it helps someone like it did me.

[jarofpinecones]

Everyone's posts here are so positive, especially yours, EatZ. I was inspired. I too am glad you are feeling better, but even more so, I'm glad you are sharing that with us! It is very encouraging!

 

On an intellectual level, I think most people know they will get better some day. It can seem repetivive but I think people just need to keep hearing it, like a mantra, or a pep rally, hehe. Keep up the good work, everyone. Princess, your post is very, very necessary for people to keep in mind, and though they might not be ready to internalize it initially, it will help to think that way.

[victoria]

Hi

this is for EatZ. Oh my God, you said exactly what I needed to hear. 2 months ago, my boyfriend of over 2 years ended it bc of life differences, not bc of the love dying. We talked of marriage and of spending the rest of our lives together and the hardest part was that I knew we still loved each other, but I also knew that it could never work. we want much too different of things. Anyways, our love was manic and very passionate and it absolutely killed me when it happened. Every day I feel sad and I want to kick myself bc I so desperately want to get strong, I so desperately want to move on but the tears keep coming. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do with my time bc I talked to him 3 times a day and now I have a lot of empty alone time. I am one strong girl and I KNOW that I can get through this, but I really just have to force myself and let what is, be. Your email was great-strong and empowering and I hope you still check this so that you can get this message. Thank you for giving me hope and I know I too will pull myself out of this hopefully sooner than later.[/u]

[skeeter]

One important thing to remember is that there are very few relationships that end with both wanting it to end. Usually one gets hurt if not both. I have found it to be so true that emotional seperation as well as staying away is the best. To want to chase it or be near it only prolongs ur finding happiness within yourself to be able to move on and realize you can do it. It took me nearly a year to break free of my emotions and move on. I can still after almost 2 years now say it would be much easier to walk right back into the broken relationship but i have asked myself important questions. What happened, was i really happy in the relationship or did I suffer as well? I was with the same woman for 21 years and married to her for 16. It's not easy when your spouse wants a divorce because they saw something really wrong in your relationship before you did. Once you get past it all you will indeed be fine. I met my new fiancee online and she is from the Philippines. I am able to rebuild my independence while getting to know her because I am from the USA. My Ex still wants me in her life and yet has a boyfriend which is 11 years younger then her. I finally closed my doors and now staying totally away from her because I know it all so well that it just plays with your mind and creates a roller coaster ride with your emotions. Sure it is easy for her to be in love with someone else and still want me to be a part of her life but it's not good for me for I was the one hurt from the divorce. So let go and move on. Sounds easier then it really is and the only thing that helps is TIME!!!!

[skeeter]

EatZ that definitely was a great post! Lucky for you it was 2 months so can i make you feel better by saying you aren't the only male that has struggled with his emotions and felt the way you did being a male that you are. You are definitely not pathetic you are just you. Someone that has a heart for LOVE and when the love slipped away it hurt!

 

Although I do have 2 kids and my marriage lasted 16 years maybe this is why it is nearly 2 years since the Ex asked for a divorce but we were struggling in the marriage for at least a year before that as well and I was hurting.

 

I am finally and I mean finally moving forward after a long haul and all I can say is you are definitely right about finding what you enjoy most to do and forcing yourself to do them. TIME is what heals and the only way to speed the time is to occupy our mind with GOOD and not BAD.

 

It's like working....days that are slow or boring leaves you starring at the clock all the time and depressing you to no return because you want so much just to get out of there and go home. But on those busy days that keep you going you can always remember being able to say to yourself, Where in the hell did the time go!!!

 

Anyway cheers to you for I know exactly what you felt!

[ladyc]

That was an excellent post Eatz. I've printed it out (along with another post on here, think it was "For those who think it won't happen") and I'm keeping it close at hand where I can read it often. I'm sort of moving in that direction myself, after 4 months gradually getting more involved in other things and with friends...somehow your post was still helpful. I think eventually I will also have to stop reading posts on here for a while so that I stop thinking about it all as much

[EatZ]

Hey everyone!

 

Thank you SOOO much for your comments! I'm truly touched that my words have helped so many people. I never expected them to have such a positive impact, I was merely speaking from experience that's all!

 

jarofpinecones, I know exactly what you mean! I found even hearing it over and over from different people made a big difference too. Hearing how all these people from all different sorts of backgrounds and relationships came to the same conclusion that time heals made it so much more believable.

 

victoria, you sound like you're coping AMAZINGLY well for someone that's just come out of a long-term relationship. Just going by what you've said I can tell that you're a lovely, sweet, appreciative, strong minded girl. Just take it day by day, don't force it. I can tell that you want to shortcut it and feel better now, and that's a good sign! But there's a difference between feeling better cause you've let it all out and feeling better cause you've hidden it away.

 

There'll come a day when you're ready to take it that extra step further. You'll know when, trust me.

 

skeeter, we're men of substance then it seems, hahah! I actually pride myself in being in touch with my emotions. I don't think there's anything pathetic or unmanly about it at all, and I'm glad you don't think so either!

 

ladyc, you printed it out!? EEK, now you've got me blushing!!

 

I'm thrilled what I've said means something to you ladyc! The key like I've said time and again is to take it at your own pace. Don't stop doing what feels natural just because you don't think it fits your "healing plan" or something ridiculous. Don't listen to anyone but yourself when it comes to how you feel. If you need to cry, CRY! If you need to throw a wobbly over how unfair life is, go to your room, shut the door, jump into bed and kick and scream to your hearts desire. It's that simple.

 

As for not visiting here for a while, I went through that phase too. I started to think that coming here was reminding me too much of my break-up, and it was! It all depends on the person. I mean, here I am, well and truly healed and still visiting these forums, helping where I can.

 

Like skeeter said, it's just time!

 

Take care all.

 

P.S. I haven't proof read this, I'm INSANELY tired.

[victoria]

God, I just have to say that I think this forum is so great! I think that we can all be really strong and get through this. It is so helpful for me to read the posts every day. Of course there are going to be times when you feel really sad and down but that's when you can come in here and get some tips and have people listen to you who have been through similar situations and help you out.

 

Yes Eatz, you're right. I have been trying to push myself out of this but sometimes it is nauseating for me to be constantly throwing myself pity-parties!! Other times I know I need to journal or cry or shake my fists at the world, and I think that's really healthy and I, like you, pride myself in being emotional and so I figure I should let it out and then I'll be ok.

 

I know it's cheesy, but I was reading in People magazine or something someone's tough life story and they said that "in order to heal, you have to feel" and it is so true. You have to go through these things and ALLOW yourself to hurt and to cry and to feel those things that are all really healthy and necessary to go to the next level. Get it OUT! and after that, it will be like a cleansing and I know all of us will feel renewed. I am (HOPEFULLY) at the next stage but sometimes I slip back in the first one. But I am ready ready ready to have fun and enjoy life again and to be really happy like I was before all of this!! Ciao!

[auburnslp]

all good stuff, all...except maybe one of the initial comments saying that the veterans need to stay out of this one...I believe it is the veteran's perspective that needs to be heard...the words of experience and hope...

 

Eatz...I am very glad you are still on here. I myself have gotten to the point that I wanted to just forget all the pain and heartbreak of the split and resulting crap...but somehow, I am still here...because I have been there and done that, and wish to share with those who are still coming...

 

Four months for me. Total. Now 3 weeks of absolutely no contact. A few days since learning through mutual friends that my ex is now in a passionate relationship with her ex husband, so it is just now a matter of time...and now, finally, for me,...all hope is truly gone...finally. Had that time of coming back together, dashing all my healing up to that point, and then it falling apart again, as it only could. Mistake of course, but I think an inevitable thing in the history of that relationship. And now, three weeks later...I am better. Had that final shock a few days ago...but it was not huge. I passed her in my car today...something so simple...yet something I had been dreading...and neither of us even waved. So hard to imagine how it has come to that. All the incredible love and passion shared, over three years...and now we pass like ships in the night, with no acknowledgement of the past, of times shared...

 

But my friends. sometimes that is just life. The cards have been dealt...time to play 'em. And for many of us, it's time to fold 'em. And to acknowledge a losing hand...one which cannot be won, no matter what bluffing or hoping or praying...sometimes we are just dealt a crap hand.

 

Time? The truth, and the answer. Time gives both. And when time gives the truth and answer, time allow us to heal, be strong, allows for us to be sad and heal, and ultimately, to move on. Unfortunately, as hard as it is, we have to just allow time to take it's course, despite the pain and anguish and hopelessness involved...but it is true my friends...time heals all...I am living testament to it, I have finally made it past the days of lying in bed in anguish...pain...tears...hopelessness...but time to heal, time to let go, time to live again. For all of us, that time is either here and now, or will be soon...never let yourself forget that perfect truth...

 

Here's a real simple one...no matter how bad it seems, no matter how bad it feels, no matter how hopeless you believe your life is right now...it always gets better. For proof, think back. I am quite sure there have been traumatic events in your life...ones which may have at the time seemed too much to overcome. It always got better, didn't it? Eventually? With time? Well my friends, this is just one of those times. Yes it is miserable and it is the worst...and I feel for all of you...I feel for me for having had to deal with it again...but as always...given time, everything works out. That's just life my friends. Hardly any of us get what we want when we want it-life again. But, you know what? It's really funny, but true...life is gonna one day grab us when we least expect it...when we are not even looking...and grant us our wildest dreams...it's just gonna happen.

 

Survivors we are, and survivors we will be. With love and hope in our hearts, for a better possibility and future than our recent past has provided. Peace, love, and out...Michael

[Pebek]

I've been reading your posts and I must say they've helped me a lot. My gf of 4 1/2 years left me in mid-March. Although it's been close to 5 months since B day the pain sometimes chokes me. I've been doing NC since that fateful day. It helps but I'm sort of impatient. I have no idea what she's doing, whether she's jumped into another relationship or not. There are times I don't care, and times I'm just dying to know what she's doing. I never thought it'd be so tough. Everybody here says that time heals all wounds, but when will my hurt be gone? Now I can't see myself even sitting at a cafe with a girl other than her, let alone all the other things...

Man, does it hurt.

 

Pete