About NO CONTACT. Thoughts for doubters and the converted

[Beec]

sandbox,

 

I don't like the Thursday phone call. But, the meeting on the ride sounds really good. He wanted to talk to you and you were not disrespectful, but you did not try to maintain the conversation. You got some contact and acted like you did not need or want to pursue more. Excellent.

[sandbox2832]

Chandler, It's 7d-NC as of today. I would like to call him now and chit chat a bit and tell him he was right about one things he had told me at one time. Of course, I would also want to come over and watch tv and pet the cat and be like old times too. It would be nice too just to chit chat a bit and not come over and watch TV and pet the cat yet neither of these options are available. I've never gone 7 days without some kind of contact. Since I can't call him, I call here.

 

He was right about the mower in that when you wear tennis shoes it will make them greenish looking after a while. I didn't believe him. I was wearing boots at first to avoid chiggers.

 

The bagger Toro mower, which was stored in his garage, is a big reminder of him everytime I go into the garage. Today I undid the bagger off the Toro mower and put in the mulcher square and tried mowing with it a bit to see how it mows. The wheels are adjusted on "B" looks like (whereas my regular mower is on "C" position) and one wheel won't adjust at all--it's like stuck. The lower bar of the handle is on the third little right hole and the whole handle wobbles when mowing--it won't stay firm in place like the other one. It was a used mower also so considering it was a free mower that he let me store at his garage, the wheel and handle stuff is minor stuff and livable.

 

If I did call him and mention it he would think I would want him to fix it so I can't do that. I probably would want to ask him to fix it, out of habit.

 

To get storage space in the garage, I was thinking of taking the mower down to my dad's farm and storing it down there and going down twice a month to help my sister mow the yard down there. That would get the mower out of my sight.

 

That was the first thing that told me something was wrong. My bagger mower was now in the back yard and I called him up on the 12th to find out what was wrong with the mower--and he broke up with me at that time.

 

This mower though is set on a lower wheel setting which would be good for future mulching of leaves (the other mower is on a higher setting, has a good handle and easy adjustable wheels), appears to run better despite the unadjustable back left rear wheel and the wobbly handle. I've heard a lot of people have 2 mowers so if that's true, I'm normal in that aspect.

 

I won't put my car in the garage until winter so i've time to figure out what to do with storing 2 mowers by that time. Most of the bugs would have died out and I can put a bug bomb in the garage to kill out the spiders, etc. after it gets real cold (ice on windows). I can store one of them by getting rid of some stuff.

 

Another option for that mower is possibly storing it at my nephew's house when they move in the fall if they have room for it. They are within 45 minutes from me compared to the 3 hour drive to the farm.

 

One option that I would like even better is to have him store the mower in his garage like it was before yet keep the NC rule in place. I probably will never bag, as I don't mind raking the yard. Raking is kind of fun. Yet I don't think this is a viable option. That would only give me an excuse to call him to get the bagger detachment from him.

 

Yes, if he were to call me now and want to do something together, eat out, watch tv, go to a party, despite all the hurt that I let myself get hit with, I would go with him providing there was some communication on what to expect out of the modified new relationship. Yet I know this won't happen either.

 

Yes, I would still like to know why he did what he did. Someone recommended the book Dancing in the Dark: The Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships by Douglas and Naomi Moseley. Amazon will send it to me within the next 10 days. I figured that $15 for a book that might give me some feasible answers on what went wrong is better than trying to guess where it all went wrong.

 

It's 900 here. It's too late to call technically. Tomorrow is casual Friday and I'm so glad. I'm wearing jeans and if they send me home, I'll just stay home. Since I'm the only one doing the work for the next 6 work days (my own plus anothers lady work who is on vacation), I seriously doubt that they will really notice.

 

If i can make it through the rest of the night without calling him, I think I can make a try for another week of NC. A part of me feels dead. I'm working, not eating a whole lot, ran out of pop tonight, ran out of ice cream the other day. Maybe I should get out of the house and run to the store for pop and ice cream. That would keep me from the phone.

 

I sure wish there was an easier way to do NC than how it is.

[sandbox2832]

I would like an interpretation of what my Ex told me today. Today up to 5pm I was on 12D-NC. My ex told me this: Just to let you know I will still be a butthead yet I won't be a mean butthead. What does this really mean? The situation is below:

 

I left work at 4pm to mow the yard and to go on a 615 bike ride. About 2/3rds of the yard was done when the mower made a loud popping sound and stopped. There was gas. There was a plug loose on it. (My other free mower my sister took back to the farm this past weekend to get it out of my sight plus to help them out as one of their mowers is not working. Enough said here. ) I broke the NC rule and called my Ex. He was there. I asked him for help or if he can do me a favor and told him about what the mower did and I was trying to finish up the yard before the rain hit. I also told him I was going on a bike ride in a little while and I could arrange to be gone at that time. The Ex says something like he won't bite me. If I stayed a bit that he might be able to fix it and show me in the future how to fix it. So I told the Ex that I would hang out here a little while. Sure enough, while I'm sweeping the leaves out of the driveway he drives by and sees me there and parks in the front along the curb. It wasn't anything I would have known about it. Whoever worked on that mower before just hand screwed the spark plug in and the vibration from the mower being used make it blow out. My Ex used a tool from his truck, a sparkplug wrench??, and tightened it and put the plastic plug back on it, I started the mower and it worked, I thanked him and turned my back and went back to mowing the section that it had died on. I kept on mowing and did not watch him leave. After about 2-3 minutes seems like, the Ex walked back to me where I was mowing, told me that he just wanted me to know that while he will be a butthead (to me), that he won't be a mean butthead. I listened to him and went back to mowing and didn't watch him walk out of the yard to his truck. I never gave him a second thought and went back to mowing. So tomorrow I'm starting back on 1d-NC again.

What the heck did the Ex mean? What is the difference between a nice butthead and a mean butthead in relation to an ex-girlfriend? I looked it up in the dictionary and it really doesn't tell me much. I googled on it also yet without much success.

Beec, Chandler, anyone--what was my Ex really trying to tell me? Does his contact here by his assistance and or his words have underlying meanings to them? We were both nice to each other. It was like being strangers yet not exactly strangers. I can't explain it.

I hear the term frequently yet never really gave it much thought as to what being a butthead means, much less a mean butthead versus a nice butthead.

I'll check the website periodically to see if there are brave souls out there. Be blunt if you have--I can't be hurt any more worse than what I've been.

[Chandler]

I don't know what he means by being a "nice" butthead. I can only think he means that while on the surface he may seem cold and uncaring (like a butthead), he still cares on the inside, and if you needed something, he would be there. Maybe he's just doing what we're all doing, a little NC to sort out our feelings.

 

You sounded like you handled the situation well. I liked how you did not even watch him leave. How did you feel inside though? Were you holding emotions back, or did you really not care to see him go?

 

I don't think 7 or 12 days of NC is really enough to have any effect. I would wait a few more weeks and see how you feel then. Hope this helps.

[sandbox2832]

Chandler,

 

Thanks for the viewpoint. His butthead comment may have been an equivalent or similar to my phone call to him 12D-NC ago when I did the truce proposal. He may actually have some hurt too and the NC may also be helping him sort out stuff.

 

Inside, I just feel empty, like a part of me has died and I'm just watching outside like I do to a TV. I still partly care yet realize it is over. Why bother to watch him walk away--it does me no good. That part of me is over and dead to him. If i can act the part and mean it that it doesn't bother me, hopefully that message will get through my brain somehow.

 

I do know this much--I stayed up late last night and couldn't sleep, way past 2am. I went to sleep without taking any melatin sleeping tabs last night and woke up around 630 with the various alarms in the house. This is a first for me--no pill sleep-- since July 13th when he brokeup.

 

I wasn't wearing sun glasses either. I glanced at him when he walked up the driveway like i would do anyone walking up the drive so that went okay. However, how my eyes looked--dead, cold, lifeless or a fragment of hurt or shock in them--I don't know how they appeared when I looked at him when he told me the butthead comment and then went back to the mowing dismissing him out of my sight and getting on with life and finisihing the mowing job.

 

 

I would agree though that 7 to 12D-NC is a drop in the bucket to what i really need on NC. Unless I have a real urgent matter that can't be delayed to another day or time or can't hire another person, I have plans to follow the NC rule very strict.

 

I do believe the NC rule has helped me get emotional distance, enough to be able deal with calling him on an important matter like last night.

 

I got to work. I don't know if I can do natural no pill sleep tonight yet I did it last night! I think that it is a good sign.

[Beec]

I think he was trying to tell you that he wants a little distance from you, but does not want to be ansty to you. Remember the days when you went to pick up the cat carrier at his house? He acted like he wanted you out of there NOW or sooner. I think he recognizes he was begin a butthead. But I also think he realizes he was doing it to get some space, not because of any hostility he has for you.

 

I have an ex, a woman I dated for two months at the end of the year 2000. She calls me all the time. Twice yesterday, twice on Sunday, on on Friday to ask me to go somewhere. I have no interest, and she knows it, but she keeps calling and calling. I don't want to be nasty, but I think I may need to be to get her to leave me alone.

 

Does that make sense?

[sandbox2832]

Beec,

 

If I can keep up the NC rule ( I made it through today 1D-NC) he will get space yet why do i need to put off biking to give him space. It can work the other way around too. He can give me space by staying away on rides as well if my presense bothers him. For myself I need to keep the NC and distance/space whatever for as long as i need it. Then if the Ex at that point, needs more space than myself he can boycott the Sunday 830 bike ride.

 

I rode tonight at the small lake for 22 miles and met the Wed. night riders coming back and several said hi to me and waved, and I returned the wave at least. I rode back on the bike trail around the lake and passed by the group partly going on the trail. One lady said hi to me and said Hi back. So despite what rumours the bunch may have heard about myself or my Ex, they at least know I'm riding, and I'm doing okay and not pouting.

 

The social contact tonight, though light, was nice. I kinda miss that even though i don't do a lot of talking in crowds. I may try the 830 ride in the future, maybe 2 weeks from now after the HHH ride in Texas.

 

I admit though halfway I did cut through the dam walkway with the bike and scale out his black truck and it wasn't there as far as I could tell and finished up riding my 22 miles. He could have driven his red work truck-I didn't look for that.

 

If my Ex had been abusive and mean to me, the breakup would have been probably easier to have taken than it has with him always being nice to me.

 

I do recall that I had one Ex that broke up with by way of email who had been on prosaic stuff and it really messed up his head. I was mad at him for a few months and that was back in Feb 1999 and first half of year 2000. I saw him recently. I don't care to do anything with him though in person as he was language abusive to me, using his high IQ as a way to beat me down. While he doesn't act that way, my body remembers that.

 

Currently, I have no problem with talking to my old-Ex by email as enough time has passed. In the past he remembered my birthday and would send me gift magazine subscriptions to Readers Digest, did googlewhacking, and stuff I didn't care for. I told him what for on the goolewhacking and complained to the web site owner about him. I recall telling him not to do it but he did it anyway for a while. He thought that would work to get me back. It didn't. I even told my former EX in so many words that my current BF (the exBiker) has him beat all the way around and treated me nice.

 

Well, the exBiker did treat me nice--just broke up with my kinda of crummy like.

 

Maybe this Ex of yours has a computer that you can directly email her directly that you've moved on, not interested, etc. and let her know that her calls are not wanted. Email is rather impersonal like. Yet you have to be careful too. She might be like that character in that movie with Michael Douglas who has an affair yet she won't go away and kills the family rabbit.

 

I must be doing something right. I don't call my current Ex like your Ex of 2000 does to you. The fact that the ExBiker has talked to twice--one at that rest stop on the scheduled bike ride and when he dropped by to put the spark plug back on the mower right--and i've tried to follow the NC rule since picking up the cat carrier--I may have a decent shot of eventually being semi-friends with him at this rate if I can give him space.

 

From about 3.2 years ago this former EX of yours still calls. You may very well have to be mean to her. Might want to try at least one more time telling her not to call, that you are not interested, you have moved on, make up something if you must but try to be real as possible. Chances are if she won't take the hint, being direct is probably the only way.

 

Might want to check out some books to see what type of personalty she falls into: Type Talk: by Otto Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen; Life Types by Sandra Hirsh and jean Kummerow; and Type Talk at Work by Kroeger and Thuesen. These books are based on the Myers-Briggs Type indicator tests. By going through all the letters and thinking back in a relationship often a person can estimate what type their Ex was compared to themselves and it helps sometimes to figure out why people do what they do.

 

Some people think the Myers-Briggs (MB) stuff is pointless. If you opt to try these from the library, try typing your family and siblings by letters and then read up on the combined total to see how they match up; then redo the typing and try for a different combo tota.

 

I'm tend to be an INTP and my Biker-Ex typed out to be probably ESFP so we only have one Letter in common.

 

Basically, being mean to your Ex who calls all the time is probably a good idea--direct, not mean or nasty, somewhere in between. It might help if you knew what MB type she leaned toward. Yet since I haven't had that experience with an Ex who calls alot (only one who emailed me all the time at home) all the time like that I'm not the best to come up any ideas.

 

Hope your direct nonnasty approach can do the trick with your 2000 ex.

[Beec]

sandbox,

 

Go ride when you want to ride. I always thought that contact with him, when you can handle it well can do nothing but good for you. If he wants to act like a butthead, then it will only make him look bad. And if you deal with it well, it jsut makes you look better, in everybody's eyes. Ride and ride hard.

 

As far as Ms. Ex of 2000, I find that ignoring her helps. Then she calls and ask me for help, getting paid because someone won't pay her for work she did, finding some info in a field related to mine, etc., and I help. Which turns into her callign again and again. So, I start ignoring more and more, which results in her trying less. Right now, we are on and upswing. She moves ina few weeks, so less contact should follow.

[sandbox2832]

Beec, I've made it through 3D-NC today barely. I wanted to let him have it yet picked up the goldfish for my sister and calmed down as I had get the 12 baby goldfish safely home. I put them in the outside tanks tonight and just hope they are still alive tomorrow.

 

I asked a work lady around closing time who bikes sometimes if she had been biking recently, trying to find out if she had seen my Ex and wondering how he was doing. She hasn't been riding at all as she has a boyfriend and he doesn't ride so she has quit riding temporarily. She plans to start riding as she feels like she is giving up part of herself by not riding and the boyfriend is still around too. She did mention that she had seen my Ex at the Sunday night downtown free concerts dancing up a storm, with some of the people i bike with on my Tuesday night ride, people that he normally doesn't ride with. I figured he would be with his regular biking people who go his speed yet he is hanging out with bikers out of his regular group who are a bit older. I guess a change of scenery is what he needed.

 

I'm down at the farm this weekend to help mow and get away from it. I even brought my mountain bike down to ride on the back roads.

 

For reason unknown at the time, it T'd me off that he was out having fun and I wasn't. I was griping to myself in the car almost all the way to the fish place and realized I was wasting my time doing that. By the time I got there I figured out what he is probably doing. The past 3-4 women before me have all been bikers, but not bikers that have come to really like biking like I do.

 

I guess when he told me "getting to be quite a little biker" that he meant he wished I wasn't a little biker.

 

My guess is now he will be selective with who he does date and probably will go for a nonbiker woman at one of the free concerts, a smart rich classy extravert lady(multiples) who is a nonbiker that he can ultimately date and end the relationship without any conflict with his biking activities .

 

I'm jealous of him having fun. I know I can do the same thing probably yet I'm not up to that right now. I doubt very much that he is hurting at all.

 

I don't care to date another biker, particularly in my group. I'm not sure where I need to branch out. I'll have to work on that option.

 

 

In one way I am glad that he is out having some fun, which he wasn't having with me apparently toward the end--I'm not into dancing--he deserves to have release from tension of any kind. Yet at the same time I think it's not fair.

 

If he hasn't already had a date I'm sure he will with all the attention that is or will be coming his way from all the ladies at these free downtown concerts.

 

I was surprised at the anger or resentment at him dancing without me and having fun. As calm as I was, I'd never thought that was even there.

 

The work lady warned me that I didn't really want to know and I told her I did. I'll definitely have to get this under wraps before I try the 830 ride with him on it. I'll probably have to just believe that he has already found a woman to replace me and visualize him with that woman so it will help me cope when he actually does have another woman lined up.

 

Tomorrow I'm on 4dNC and Sunday is 5DNC. By staying down here at the farm I can meet that without any problem.

 

I can gripe him out here without calling him and not hurt me.

[Charlee]

I agree that the NC rule works. Last November after 5 months of being on an emotional roller coaster after we broke up, I found this site and started the NC.

 

I guess at the time I was hoping that absense would make the heart grow fonder, he would miss me and come back.

 

Well that hasn't happened, and yes I do still miss him. I have had limited contact with him since then, but there are months between those contacts now. After speaking to him I feel miserable for a very short period, bouncing back within an hour or two. Unlike pre-Nov when he was on the phone and seeing me every couple of weeks, which kept that emotional hurt going.

 

The NC rule has allowed me to pick up my life and move on, I have learned that I can be happy without him in my life and enjoy myself. I have dated lots of other guys and have got to the point now where I can see that I will find someone else one day.

 

I have to end though on a confusing note. I spoke to him via phone a few weeks ago, he wanted to take my boys out for the afternoon as he misses them and hadn't seen them since December. Initially the call was an angry one between us, I was annoyed that he had made all the arrangements with them via phone to meet them in town before checking with me. As he only rides a motorbike he had no way of picking them up/dropping them home, meant I had to drive them to and from town - a distance of 50kms each way and I already had plans for that afternoon which I had to cancel. I had 2 choices, pull the plug and disappoint my boys (they still think of him as their Dad and miss him very much) or give in and take them.

 

Anyway we were bickering on the phone, and suddenly he said to me 'look we will work our s**t out and be fine, lets just put our s**t aside for one minute and be parents and not drag the kids into this.' Then he went on to tell me he thinks of the fun times we had and misses them, that he would love for me and him to go out and have a few drinks and have a laugh. He then said 'I still love you, and I tell my gf I love you. She asks me 'do you love her?' and I reply yes. All I could think for hours after is what an insecure relationship he must be in, her knowing he loves me and him telling her. Wonder if they fight lots over it. I also felt miserable for hours after knowing he is with someone else, before that I didn't know for sure, only suspected.

 

I guess this is where the NC rule helps - you don't talk to them, you don't find out stuff that hurts you. You don't talk to them, you do move on and find yourself and your happiness again, learning to live without them.

[Beec]

You need not have control over every emotion before you get out of NC, but you can't show it when the emotions flare up.

 

Sandbox, you seem to be like another ex of mine. We dated, broke up and dated again. She complained that it was not fair that while broken up, she sat at home and I dated.

 

Why would you not want to date another biker. Only because you share an interest that will bring you in contact again after you break up? Break ups are not easy, but you don't go in planning on them happeneing.

[sandbox2832]

Beec, I've made it through 10D-NC. It's seem like a lifetime. I've read over other entries in the forum which have helped me when I've had moments I wanted to call my Ex. It would only cause me additional pain if I tried to contact him. I thought about a letter asking why yet decided no. Chances are he would give me a reason maybe yet not really a reason so I would be put back in the same hurt position I was before.

 

A friend referred me to The Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships by Douglas and Naomi Moseley, which is kind of interesting yet it doesn't help me a big lot.

 

Last weekend i went down to the farm and mulched the whole farm yard, 3 hours worth at least, and got to be around my Dad (he turns 96 on Aug 31st). It rained Sunday so I was glad I mowed even though it wasn't high enough if my sister had been doing the mowing--she doesn't mulch. I was tired enough that I didn't think very much of my Ex.

 

I did data entry tonight. So if I can keep busy with biking, data entry and going down to the farm tomorrow I might be able to mulch on Sunday if the grass is mulchable and not wet.

 

I did meet up with another biker about a week ago when I had cut accross the dam walkway and met this biker who had declined to do the Wednesday night ride for some reason.

 

Well, I saw this same biker this past Wed on the ride. I averaged about 16 mph. I had also rode on Tues night at about 16mph also. I don't know where the energy came from as my normal speed is about 14mph. Riding two days in a row at 16mph did feel good.

 

I realized that I can go places with other bikers (other than Ex) and have fun without actually dating, like a group date deal where no one is a couple. I can socialize this way and get to know people slowly.

 

That biker I met on the dam, he was flirting me with me on the way back on Wed night. I passed him and stayed ahead for a while then he would pass me.

 

I'll probably not date for a while and just group socialize for a while.

 

Following the NC rule is getting to be a little easier. I feel better about myself and stronger most of the time.

 

Part of the time I remembered your statement about ride and ride hard and basically show the Ex up. I may have put some of my stress,etc into my riding. Part of the time I slacked off and was dropping way down and then remembered i can keep up so put on some speed. I've done this without eating much before riding either.

 

I know that 10D-NC is not very long. I will need a much longer time than that. Still that is a record for me so far. Technically, I can see him from here. I know his house and truck, driveway, the cat Scary. I can see some things I did wrong and won't do in future relationships; other stuff I can merely guess at what else I might have done. Yet I won't attack myself and try to analyize what went wrong--that would just cause more hurt.

 

I've been spending quality time with my cats lately. Rusty will actually lay next to me on the couch while we watch TV. Before I was hardly ever home or over at the Ex's house and didn't really give much time even when I was home.

 

From reading over the forum, things happen for a reason. I just have to try to figure out what my Ex was trying to teach me if that is possible.

I will continue to occasionally read over the forums and see what extra I can get to make me keep up the NC.

 

I have also quit talking to the work lady about biking so I won't be tempted to ask her about my Ex. The work lady asked me today if I had seen my Ex and I told her no. It didn't hurt me for her to ask yet there were a few seconds later when it came back and I put it aside and kept on working. The fact that I didn't ask about him and I didn't feel any anger about him I thought was a good sign.

 

My goal now is go through the 28th with NC. If there are really 5000 plus riders on the HHH ride in Texas, chances are slim if the Ex is there that I would even see him or anyone else that I know there. That would be a new record of 18D-NC if I can manage it through the 28th.

 

I'm not happy yet I'm appear to be doing okay for how things are.

[Beec]

You seem to be doing well, and I won't tell you to do it now, but don't swear off analyzing the things that went wrong or right.

 

I see one thing with your mention of how much time you spent away from your cats. We can get too much of a partner.

 

But the biggest thing I am going to tell you to do is always pay attention to a guy's body language. We are better at showing less than women, but it is very revealing. His body language will tell you his feelings, and that' s what you need to work on.

[Luciana]

This post is helping me so much!!! I am a dumpee (happened yesterday).

I am still in shock and I can see very well that avoiding him at all costs and not taking his calls is the way to go.

[Beec]

Luciana,

 

For now it probably is. Not always. While enduring NC, think about how and when you might be able to end it, if you want to try to have some relationship with him. You should not do it now, that's for sure.

[Scout]

When the person has dumped you, NC is 99.9% of the way to go. And guess what? 99.9 of the time, the dumper ends up calling when they don't hear from the dumpee. It may take weeks, but they always do. Trust me on this. (Except, I'm sure my last break with the ex is the final one, it was really, really ugly. But - it's for the best). Anyway, the first couple of times we broke up, he always eventually called.

 

But that is not the main reason you should be doing NC. You should do it to get yourself back. Use it as a time to focus on yourself, something we tend to not do enough of when we are involved with someone else.

[anon728]

I agree with Scout. Especially if the dumper is in a relationship with someone else. Unless you can honestly say that you have no problem seeing them with or hearing about the other person, than some prolonged NC is required for YOU to heal (NOT to try and 'get them back').

[sandbox2832]

Scout, let me get this straight. I ramble this along. You are saying that if I can keep up the NC, which is currenlty 14D-NC, that even though my Ex broke up with me saying the relationship wasn't working, he wanted out, to move on, it wasn't going anywhere, and despite how he reacted when I dropped for the cat carrier, an despite my call to him asking for a truce and asking how Scary was doing as for as petting and food, despite seeing my Ex on that scheduled bike ride at the rest stop accidentally where he spoke to me voluntarily and despite him coming over to fix the sparkplug back into the mower when he then walked back and told me he would be a butthead but he would be not a mean butthead to me, and that my Ex, even if he has a girlfriend if not now but later on that my Ex will call me eventually to see how I have been doing if he doesnt' see me on any of the 830 Sunday bike rides or the winter FCR saturday rides or any other rides and call just to see how I'm doing.

 

Are you sure about this? My Ex seemed pretty mad or angry and I haven't quite figured out what yet.

 

i biked tonight about 23 miles in 1.5 hours averaging 16. I even took a 10 minute head start on the ride since it was windy and I knew I would be real slow. I made it to the stopping point to the halfway stop and waited on them to catch me today. I was a bit T'd off today and biked it off.

 

I would have loved to tell him off today. I'd thank him for his friendship and his helping me grow as a person. I can cook some, put up venetian blinds, gave me the motivation to sell my second car, to actually try to buy a house and start the process, etc. I recall when he goes to his relatives in Kansas that they always tell my Ex to bring your tools. My Ex has said before that he loves to fix things. So if his family and myself took up his offers for assistance, who was taking advantage of whom? My Ex could have said, I just want to be with you, in your company and don't want to fix anything, hire a plumber or mechanic, etc. I did err in babysitting that cat that one time--rather than just feed the cat and leave I stayed and watched TV, used the VCR and one of my tapes on one day got stuck in the VCR which required my Ex to take it apart to get my tape out , and petted the cat on the couch and left. Whose fault was it that when I called to come over to see my Ex and Scary and he said yes--sometimes he said no, yet generally he let me come over. Again, who is taking advantage of whom. I probably came over way too much yet he allowed it--why. If I was that irritant a person he wouldnt have let me come over for a while. Basically my Ex loved biking and was and is a good bike mechanic, and he watches TV, rarely reads books, has no computer, let me do a lot of paint chipping off his walls and french door little windows off the ktichen as he had no patience to do it and i did it for the challenge of it and it was kinda fun. I don't regret helping him with his house. I don't regret getting him the housewarming present which was the KS jayhawk foldup camp chair. If my Ex had called me like I did him, I'm not sure what I would have done. Generally I don't turn on the TV just because it's there unless there is something that I really want to watch. I look at the TV guide. I take the daily paper. My Ex rarely read any newspapers, depending on TV news most of the time, watching history channel, answering the phone no matter what he was doing in the house rather than let the recorder catch it like i do, only listens to the radio in the morning to wake up then turns on the TV and sits there and drinks his coffee until he goes to work. He was originally my next door neighbor prior to moving to where I am now. Then he bought his house and moved a half mile away which changed the relationship a bit, and then when i bought my house, the relationship further changed. I really think it had something to do with the pool party on the 4th of July and possibly my call to him about not taking me with him downtown to the free concert where he was dancing, which concert occurred two days before he broke up with me. I was T'd that he hadn't called and invited me with him as we were dating at the time, at least I had thought.

 

Anyway, forget the above a moment, Scout. Are you absolutely positive that my Ex will 99.9% call me eventually within a year's time if I have absolutely no contact with him at all on any rides? yes or no.

 

 

i know the above is a very large paragraph yet I'm not in the best of mood.

 

I would also want to tell him that his comment about "you're getting to be quite a little biker" is a bit tacky (notquite the word I want) as isn't that partly what he wanted to happen on its own.

 

He was in the navy and after he got out he met this one biker girl and lived with her for 3 years, then broke up and then lived with another biker girl for 4 years who had a younger child, then he left her to go out of state for a 3 month job and then left it for unspecified reason and came back here to ask her to marry him and she had taken up with another guy in the meantime, and his mother had died 2-3months before he moved back here, then he didn't date for almost 8 months until that fall when he asked me out. He may have had the 4 year itch.

 

i would like to know the specifics as to what I did right so i can continue to do those in the future, what I did wrong in my Ex's eyes and what i failed to perceive (i.e. some people notice when a picture is the slightest off center versus some never notice it at all unless it is pointed out) that most people would have already known without being told, why didn't you try to help me see this stuff even if you knew deep down that the relationship was on the decline, why didn't you try to communicate as a friend not just a boyfriend and help me to understand where I was okay/needing work, etc.

 

I'm really worked up at this point. I'm so glad that it is late so I can't bug him. It's better for me to vent here and pretend to partly write what I like to tell him yet can't . Got to go .

[Scout]

Yeah, it's definitely better to vent here about the ex than to him! Oh, and before I answer your question, I want to congratulate you on your long distance biking - you sound very fit! Good job. (another great way to blow off steam, too).

 

I do feel your ex will call eventually. Of course, every situation is different, but your's sounds like the kind that falls under "he'll eventually call". First of all, when the "dumper" finds out that the "dumpee" appears to be doing just fine without the dumper, his/her ego takes a big hit, and curiosity is piqued. Plus, and I know this sounds a bit nebulous/new age-y, but somehow when we pledge to move on from someone, and focus on ourselves, the Universe works some strange "magic", and somehow the dumper picks up on the fact. I don't know if I'm explaining this right...but basically, it's karma.

 

Keep up your biking, and expressing your thoughts here...I'm telling you, you are not in a good place right now anyway to communicate with your ex, because of the anger. Actually, feeling anger is pretty healthy, but trust me, if you let it out to the ex, you'll just feel worse afterwards that you let them see they got to you.

 

Just be patient, and use NC NOT to get the ex to call, but to give yourself time to heal and focus on yourself.

 

Hope this helps?

[unhappyinlove1]

This comment is for Beec - I had an ex contact me continuously after a breakup when I didn't want to talk to him. There's only one way to go with a person who keeps calling despite your lack of interest (in either a relationship or friendship). BY FAR, the nicest and most respectful thing you can do (even 'though you may think it sounds mean) is to just tell them the truth. In a way you're unintentionally degrading/humiliating her by letting her make a total fool of herself. The next time your ex calls - tell her that you hope she is well and that you care about her and you wish her all the best that life can bring, but that you don't want to kee in contact with her any longer... it doesn't let you get on with your life... or you don't feel comfortable really confiding in her as a friend... or whatever it is that you actually feel. Be firm, but considerate, and be certain to sort out how you're going to say it before she calls you next... but just do it.

 

Sandbox - you're doing great... keep with the NC and if you see him be aloof yet kind. I agree that you need to get some space to ground yourself b/c you're definitely expressing some anger here - and you don't want to vent on him. You want him to think that losing him was just a little road bump in your life and you had no problem motoring on once you got past it. Keep it up, I know it's hard I'm trying NC too (but I'm not mad at him) and I'm also finding it very confusing to figure out how and when I should end it.

[michelemybell]

No contact can work, even in cases where you absolutely think hope is lost.

My ex broke up with me in March 2003 and I tried to stay in contact after that, to no avail. And even though he refused to talk to me, I stayed in contact with his family until January 2004. I was hearing side stories of him dating other people, which killed me so I broke contact with his family and decided once and for all I needed to let the past go and stop all communication with anyone associated with him. I figured I would never talk to him again since he broke up with me and we had some nasty fights and I did some stupid things afterwards that I thought he could never forgive me for. Well, in March 2004 he emailed me and said he missed me! I was shocked. I believed it only happened because I stopped contact completely and actually finally let him go. Unfortunately (or fortunately!) it didn't work out and I stopped communication this time around! But this whole experience made me believe that "once you truly let go, that's when they'll come back". (That quote is from the movie "Swingers"---it is an awesome movie and highly recommended for anyone who is going through a breakup and dealing with NC.)

Of course, there's many cases where an ex doesn't come back even with NC, but I believe once you start moving on with your life, you win either way---whether the person comes back or not.

[sandbox2832]

Beec,

 

The pre-HHH ride stuff was kind of interesting.

 

I delayed packing and finally got off mid-Friday afternoon to pick up my ride packet.

 

Unknowingly at the same time, my Ex with Sandra, Tammy, Angela, Anthony were carpooling in their vehicles to W.Falls. I found later they had passed me and tried to wave yet I was in driving zone and never saw them. I don't look at drivers, just the vehicle.

 

Anyway, we arrived at about the same time in the parking lot. I got my packet and then wandered into the exhibit traderoom show deal and i see Tammy and Angela and Anthony. They are my friends too, not superduper close friends, yet still bike friends. Tammy and Angela were going to shop and Anthony split at that point. I asked Angela if I could hang with them for a bit, as i'd probably go off an look at other stuff too. It was fine with them. (I wasn't dangerous.)

 

Then I left to check out something about the packet which I thought i hadn't gotten. Then I wandered back to the showroom. Tammy and Angela had moved on down the way and were still shopping. I joined up with them again, and asked permission to hang with them.

 

The reason I did this as if Bill had rode with them and they had stuff against me or instructions from my Ex to avoid me, I didn't want to make a pest of myself.

 

At this one stand I'm talking to Angela. She told me they had tried to wave to me no avail. I told her I was in driving zoneout basically. To the left of me behind a back rack my Ex comes walking, says something real nice to me, and I was aloof yet kind. I don't remember what i said, hi or I'm fine, and didn't continue the conversation and turned to look at more stuff to my right side.

 

On one aisle I was preparing to go right and saw my Ex near the end so i changed directions. Other than those 2 brief sightings, they were a total of about 1 minute only together.

 

Angela, in making idle chat, had said that they were going out to eat rather than eat spaghetti at the deal. Sandra shows up a little later at the racks. I barely have time to say hi to Sandra and have started a brief sentence when Sandra gets nasty/rude/jerk? and I don't have time to talk you, catch you later and she wouldn't let me walk with her and Tammy and Angela. My Ex was not even around at that time. I think that Sandra was motherhenning him and trying to keep me out of his sight yet if that was the case she probably didn't know that I had already seen him there. I do know that my Ex would not ask Sandra to do that for him. If he had, he would have made the same to Angela and Tammy and they were nice to me. At no time did I ask if my Ex was with them. I didn't really think about him being with them. If he was a couple with them, I would not have gone up to them. Or if my Ex had been with them I would have probably walked by and say an overall Hi to the group and maybe idle bike chat and kept on looking at exhibits.

 

I had during part of this time, taken my packet stuff to the car and wandered back in. On the way to the car, Charles was walking up--another biker friend I ride with. I told where the registration was and how to get there and who all was there that i had seen.

 

Then when I was in line for the spaghetti Charles was cutting throught the line to go out the side door and asked me if i had seen the bunch (Tammy, Bill, Angela, etc) and told him they had told me they were going out to eat rather than spagehetti. Charles seems puzzled commenting they keep changing their minds.

 

Plus, I overslept today, missing the pre-rain downpour and got there a little after 800, when riders were still starting and rode 40.8 miles in 2 hours 39 minutes at 15.3 aveg and 27.5 max. I did the 50 route yet after waiting 2 hours for the Sag Wagon to finally come, opted to ride to the next reststop and hope to get my flat fixed there--I did luckily.

 

I saw none of the biker friends--Cindy, Charles, etc. I'm sure they were all in by at least 11:30 to my 3pm. I did see the biker Jesse on the last rest stop and that was nice to see someone that i know a bit of.

 

I'm down at the farm tonight and plan to bike on the country roads in the morning here before going back home. My dad's birthday is on 31st, 96 years old, so family is coming in stages throughout the next few days.

 

Was wondering though, was there anything bad about hanging out with 2 women shopping at the tradeshow, just because they run around with my Ex at times=not all the time though? Why was Sandra acting so weird as I had done nothing to her? My Ex spoke to me nicely and I believe I acted well legitimately. If my Ex had any anger I didn't notice it from what he verbally said to me. I forgot to watch the body language bit.

 

I thought of revenge briefly for Sandra being rude to me in front of them inside that crowded showroom. The best way is to improve my riding so that I can blow her away on the bike. Me beating her would be an ultimate down for her, if any.

[insomnia]

my ex left me for a woman. She says I am the only man for her but she wanted a break to figure out her feelings without hurting me. Since I live in NY and my ex in LA and the other woman in Florida, she tried to keep her feelings separate...not mentioning the other girl to me nor me to her. Eventually she couldn't handle everything and her conscience and in a crying fit called me and said she needed a break...she let me go saying she wants a future with me but wants to explore her "other side" now. So after 2 weeks of talking to her and going to LA to be with her...we started the NC thing.

 

Now I have the other woman's e-mail because she and my ex are sorority siters and I am in the brother frat and we are all on a networking website. I dunno what the other woman and my ex talk about but I want to write the other woman and tell her that I miss my ex and really loved her very much. I don't know if she knew that (cuz in the beginning she respected me and my ex's relationhip) I also want to know if she is in love with my ex.

 

Is this a bad thing to do? Should I just avoid the whole thing and wait?

[michelemybell]

insomnia,

I wouldn't say that to the other woman. Your ex knows how you feel about her. If she wants to be with you, she will come back on her own. You don't need to tell the other woman about your feelings. In fact, it might make your ex angry. Let your ex come to her own decision.

[insomnia]

Thanks I started to type to the girl but decided not to and just hit erase and closed the window. I miss her and wonder if she hasn't called cuz she doesn't miss me or because it hurts to talk to me knowing she hurt me. I'm afraid this NC stuff will make her lose feelings since we are long distance.