Would you date someone much brighter than you?

[Triple444]

Guys, how would you feel dating a woman on a considerably higher intellectual level than you? And for the girls, how would you feel dating a guy , a really great guy, who might be considerably less intelligent than you ? Do you think there would be problems at all?

[orchidrose]

I'm dating a guy now who's way smarter than me. When I say that, people think I'm being self-deprecating. But it's true! Given the nature of his job and his educational background, he's just more intelligent. Thus far it hasn't caused a problem, because while he may be more textbook intelligent, there are always areas that I know more about than him, so we can explain things and learn about new things from each other.

 

I think it would be kind of difficult for me to date a guy who was considerably less intelligent than me, however. I'm not the most patient person in the world, so having to explain a lot of things to my significant other would probably drive me nuts. My boyfriend is a teacher, so he's a lot better at that than I am.

[BriarRose]

I would date someone smarter than me. I would not date someone less smart. I would prefer my intellectual equal, however.

[drummergirl]

Well, I am one of the smartest people I know and when it comes to book smarts, and I've honestly never found a guy that was more intelligent than me that I wanted to date. But truthfully, book-smarts aren't the most useful thing in the world and one person in a couple with them can be more than enough. Even if a guy isn't as "smart", there are other things he is probably smarter about and other strengths that he will have.

 

But most of the guys I've been with were still relatively smart. There have been one or two I dated that were "considerably less intelligent than me" and mostly that didn't go far- not attractive to me really, so I didn't pursue it. Although there was one who was an excellent lovemaker and one of the best friends I've ever had and that relationship lasted a lot longer.

 

There isn't gonna be a test at the end- relationships are about how much you enjoy yourself along the way, and unless listening to nerdy-talk does it for you, I'd worry a lot more about other qualities in a guy. I'd rather have a guy with a sense of humor and a good personality than brains, that's for sure.

 

But, if people are on very different intellectual levels, it may be pretty hard to connect and agree on stuff long-term.

[FathomFear]

I personally would have a difficult time dating a guy who was significantly less intelligent than me. I would have a hard time carrying on conversations.

 

And for me, intelligence isn't book smarts. It's more related to logic/reasoning and being able to think clearly. It's the difference between having a great memory and actually being intelligent. You strike gold when you find someone who has both.

[TakingtheBlame]

It depends how you are defining "intelligent." There are many kinds of intelligence...some people are book smart but have no sense of humor or social skills, some people are street smart and are quick witted and savvy but for whatever reason never really got ahead with an extensive education. There are definitely overlaps and other variations on this theme but it is difficult to say without further elaboration on "intelligence" whether one would prefer to date someone "less intelligent" than oneself. I think it depends on what sort of intelligence a woman possesses and what sort of relationship she's looking for in her mate...passionate? partnership? equal? accessory?

 

That said, personally, I have an extensive education and fall into the book smart category, and though theoretically I'd have no issues dating someone with less of an education and book smarts than me, in practice I've found that similar levels of education and smarts often leads to similar career goals and life choices. I am looking for a partner in life, an equal, who can challenge me intellectually but who can also appreciate my accomplishments and travel the road of life with me, if you will. My last boyfriend had never finished college and though he was quick witted and very socially savvy (certainly intelligent by many accounts and definitely lots of fun), he incorrectly perceived my opting for grad school rather than full-time work as arrogant and an overcompensation for some personality defect I was hiding from him. He also thought my passion for reading and art and whatnot was pretentious and useless. Ultimately, though we clicked on a personal level, something as seemingly minimal as different levels of "book smarts" led to other serious incompatibilities that made our long-term potential suffer. That's not to say every such situation would turn out this way but it's certainly something I've since taken into account, which is why I'm much more cautious now about dating people with a significantly different level of intelligence (and I still shudder to call it intelligence because as I've said there are so many types of intelligence that it's hard to say who is "less intelligent" than whom.)

 

There may also be the issue of whether you can have a conversation comfortably with a person significantly less intelligent; personally I like to be challenged when talking to my mate or I feel as though I'm not conversing with an equal. I recently dated a fellow lawyer who was obviously very book smart but he just lacked basic social knowledge and conversational skills. I remember when he told me he had to Google many of the things I texted him or that we talked about because they were too "obscure"...it was difficult having a good time with him afterwards because I knew he was just nodding and smiling and not understanding what the hell I was saying! So here's another example where we were both equally intelligent on a book smarts level, but on very different wavelengths as far as general knowledge and trivia.

[someguy87]

absolutely ! smart babies is always good.

[Batya33]

Smarter is preferred; less smart was always a dealbreaker. Types of intelligence? I first think of world knowledge/academic intelligence but emotional intelligence/insight/awareness is vry important too. I really appreciate a great and intelligent sense of humor and wit-it's what keeps the relationship fun and helps us get over bickering/arguments -and for that, intelligence is a key part. My husband is smarter than me- always knew that, from the beginning and it was always a plus. He inspires me to stretch and keeps me on my toes.

[Greggie]

To me, intelligence (at least the form that I value the most) is depth/reflection and being able to think in an innovative and original way. I know many people who have good logic, learn quickly and are generally intelligent, but come off as stupid (to me) because they're just so damn superficial... I would like someone who keeps me on my toes and can teach me things about life/help me see things through new perspectives. Wisdom is the best word for it I guess; academic intelligence (having extensive informational knowledge obtained through reading about specific subjects) is less impressive. I also appreciate someone who is quick-witted; humor is definitely a form of intelligence which I greatly value in another person.

 

Having said all that, would I date someone who I found considerately less intelligent than myself? No, I don't think so; I need intellectual stimulation on a daily basis, and I think the conversations would bore me. However, at the end of the day, it's all about chemistry and what version of yourself you are around the person, so nothing official about my answer. I have a list of deal-breakers (the intelligence factor is one of them), but I know from experience that when I meet someone who I just click with, that list gets quickly thrown out.

 

Would I dates someone considerably more intelligent than me? Yes, but it wouldn't make me feel very good about myself...

[Greggie]

To me, intelligence (at least the form that I value the most) is depth/reflection and being able to think in an innovative and original way. I know many people who have good logic, learn quickly and are generally intelligent, but come off as stupid (to me) because they're just so damn superficial... I would like someone who keeps me on my toes and can teach me things about life/help me see things through new perspectives. Wisdom is the best word for it I guess; academic intelligence (having extensive informational knowledge obtained through reading about specific subjects) is less impressive. I also appreciate someone who is quick-witted; humor is definitely a form of intelligence which I greatly value in another person.

 

Having said all that, would I date someone who I found considerately less intelligent than myself? No, I don't think so; I need intellectual stimulation on a daily basis, and I think the conversations would bore me. However, at the end of the day, it's all about chemistry and what version of yourself you are around the person, so nothing official about my answer. I have a list of deal-breakers (the intelligence factor is one of them), but I know from experience that when I meet someone who I just click with, that list gets quickly thrown out.

 

Would I dates someone considerably more intelligent than me? Yes, but it wouldn't make me feel very good about myself...

[Greggie]

To me, intelligence (at least the form that I value the most) is depth/reflection and being able to think in an innovative and original way. I know many people who have good logic, learn quickly and are generally intelligent, but come off as stupid (to me) because they're just so damn superficial... I would like someone who keeps me on my toes and can teach me things about life/help me see things through new perspectives. Wisdom is the best word for it I guess; academic intelligence (having extensive informational knowledge obtained through reading about specific subjects) is less impressive. I also appreciate someone who is quick-witted; humor is definitely a form of intelligence which I greatly value in another person.

 

Having said all that, would I date someone who I found considerately less intelligent than myself? No, I don't think so; I need intellectual stimulation on a daily basis, and I think the conversations would bore me. However, at the end of the day, it's all about chemistry and what version of yourself you are around the person, so nothing official about my answer. I have a list of deal-breakers (the intelligence factor is one of them), but I know from experience that when I meet someone who I just click with, that list gets quickly thrown out.

 

Would I dates someone considerably more intelligent than me? Yes, but it wouldn't make me feel very good about myself...

[Greggie]

To me, intelligence (at least the form that I value the most) is depth/reflection and being able to think in an innovative and original way. I know many people who have good logic, learn quickly and are generally intelligent, but come off as stupid (to me) because they're just so damn superficial... I would like someone who keeps me on my toes and can teach me things about life/help me see things through new perspectives. Wisdom is the best word for it I guess; academic intelligence (having extensive informational knowledge obtained through reading about specific subjects) is less impressive. I also appreciate someone who is quick-witted; humor is definitely a form of intelligence which I greatly value in another person.

 

Having said all that, would I date someone who I found considerately less intelligent than myself? No, I don't think so; I need intellectual stimulation on a daily basis, and I think the conversations would bore me. However, at the end of the day, it's all about chemistry and what version of yourself you are around the person, so nothing official about my answer. I have a list of deal-breakers (the intelligence factor is one of them), but I know from experience that when I meet someone who I just click with, that list gets quickly thrown out.

 

Would I dates someone considerably more intelligent than me? Yes, but it wouldn't make me feel very good about myself...

[Fudgie]

Nope, I want someone on my level when it comes to intelligent.

 

I'm considered pretty intelligent and very booksmart. My boyfriend doesn't have as much schooling as I do but he's very intelligent and wise so it works out.

[cpc28655]

I thought all women we on higher intellectual levels than men.

[SometimesShy]

My worst relationships have been with women who are very smart academically ( Masters + PhD and another who is a Surgeon ), but they were kind of screwed up when it came to relationship smarts.

 

So now I tend to avoid academically smart women, and look for ones that are happy and have social smarts.

[Starrgrl]

I love intelligent guys, the mental stimulation is suchhh a turn on lol not in the sexual sense, but in a heyy you're really cool =) kinda way. If they are worldly and sophisticated, know a great deal about alot of things, it's soo attractive. Can't stand idiots that can't even string a coherent sentence together, or only are able to talk about superficial topics. I ain't dating you cos you're hot, I need a mental connection, I need to love your brain lols.

[Miss Firecracker]

I don't believe there IS anyone smarter than I am.

[Batya33]

My worst relationships have been with women who are very smart academically ( Masters + PhD and another who is a Surgeon ), but they were kind of screwed up when it came to relationship smarts.

 

So now I tend to avoid academically smart women, and look for ones that are happy and have social smarts.

 

I find that intelligence is at least partly reflected in an ability to treat people as individuals - grouping all women who have higher degrees in the "screwed up relationship smarts" category based on a few bad experiences seems, well, a bit , um, screwed up - often using my brain requires me to admit (to myself or others) what I don't know even more than what I do know. It also could be that the dynamic you had with these women made them feel uncomfortable -perhaps you weren't sufficiently understanding about the time demands on their lives or the unpredictability of their work/study schedules -it can be hard to relate to if you don't do it yourself,especially if you have preconceived notions about women venturing into what (is? used to be?) a man's world.

 

Fortunately when I was dating I had very few experiences of men I had things in common with rejecting me because I had a higher degree and an intense career - I had many male friends and dated a lot and never heard a man have the opinion you have formed (doesn't mean they didn't tihnk it and choose not to share it of course!).

[Fudgie]

I'm working towards a M.D.

If a guy turned me down because of that, well, good riddance I say.

I'm following my dreams and anyone who doesn't like that can kindly move aside.

[SocialStigma]

I want to date someone who is on par/smarter than me. In high school I dated some not-so-bright bulbs and I didn't stay with any of them longer than 3 months because I was so bored.

[KH26]

Yes. My boyfriend (of over 2 and a half years) is a doctor and quite successful. I'm back in college at the moment, hoping to become a midwife. In school I was just average, didn't know what I wanted to do and I guess sometimes I was a bit lazy. But from what I can tell and what I've been told my boyfriend worked extremely hard all the way through school, spent all his time studying and did really well (obviously).

 

It doesn't make a difference with our relationship, I don't think anyway. We both work hard (obviously in different ways at the moment). And he obviously earns more than me but we still pay for things equally. We're into the same things, both enjoy being outdoors, have the same personalities. So, no, him being a lot more intelligent than me doesn't seem to have any effect on our relationship.

[blanche88]

Isn't there a bit of a double standard going on here? Shouldn't men also want their partners to be on a similar intellectual level?

 

Also, since women aren't willing to date down, doesn't this mean that intelligent women are (statistically) at a real disadvantage when it comes to romance? eg if your IQ is over 120, on average, only ~10% of men you meet will have a similar or greater IQ. If your IQ is over 130, the figure drops to ~2%!

[Fudgie]

I don't know blanche, maybe.

 

I guess it's just something you eyeball. I have undergone IQ testing and I am in the mid 130s range but it doesn't really matter. I think attitude and willingness to work hard and make sacrifices is a HUGE component in whether you're successful or not. My younger brother has an IQ in the genius range and that bugged me for a long time but now, I'm over it. It's just not a big deal.

 

Anyway it's not like I'm approaching each guy I'm looking to date and saying "excuse me, can you please take this test for me?" and then compare their IQ to mine. No, it's something you have to eyeball and go with your gut. Someone with an IQ of 110 who has worked hard and learned a lot is going to be a LOT more appealing to me than a 140 who does nothing but plays video games all day and lacks common sense.

[SocialStigma]

Isn't there a bit of a double standard going on here? Shouldn't men also want their partners to be on a similar intellectual level?

 

Also, since women aren't willing to date down, doesn't this mean that intelligent women are (statistically) at a real disadvantage when it comes to romance? eg if your IQ is over 120, on average, only ~10% of men you meet will have a similar or greater IQ. If your IQ is over 130, the figure drops to ~2%!

 

Intelligence isn't just a product of your IQ score..I'm sure my IQ is pretty average (110 tops, probably) but I graduated high school with the highest average in my school district and am doing very well in a pre-med program in university. I work hard and have a very strong work ethic to make up for my average IQ, and I'd much rather date someone who is like that than a guy who is part of MENSA but is lazy as a result of knowing that he's smart and never has to try to excel.

[NightLily]

There is more in life to make you happy then another person's IQ. I spend enough of my time researching and in a demanding field.. I would much rather have a guy that can make me laugh, cuddle me just right, and a guy I can trust.

 

(note: if this reads as "rather rather" it is an error in the system. can't figure out how to fix it)