Am I potentially being used?

[ny guy]

Ok, so I've had some previous threads about a girl I'm trying to date.

 

She had originally told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend about 5-6 months ago. I found out from her friends that the main reason she broke up with him was because he 'would not do anything' and was 'boring'.

 

I actually spoke to her yesterday. At one point, she was asking me about my ex, I guess just to see where I stood on that. I figured this is reasonable for her to ask, just to make sure where my head is at. I was forthcoming with information about why I broke up. Then she volunteered information about her ex, I didn't really ask. She confirmed what I had heard from her other friends. Although she didn't say it, it sounded like she broke up with him even though she still loved him. That came about because I think I was saying my reasons for breaking up (not being in love). She was like, well it wasn't because of 'that', but because he was lazy and wouldn't do anything, didn't want to spend money on anything.

 

 

So, this concerns me a bit. I know I'm just dating to have a good time, but I don't want to be used as a pawn to 'get back at an ex'.

 

How do I find this out without coming straight out and asking it?

[iJester]

Do you feel used in the relationship?

[ny guy]

haha, i don't think i can really 'say' that, since i'm still trying to date her....just a reservation about actually dating her.....my mom was actually talking to me about it and brought that up....She feels i'm a bit too interested in dating this girl...and they aren't too happy about this particular circle of friends....

 

just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation like this...

[iJester]

What's stopping you from dating her?

[Ms Darcy]

I often think when we are fresh off a break up and not ready for another relationship we start obsessing about the other person's past/intentions. It's in part insecurity and in part projection. If you project your fears on hers, you don't need to think about your own. And the big thing for you to think about is are you ready, fully ready to find someone for a long-term relationship without baggage?

 

If you are in this only for a good time, you shouldn't care why she's dating you.

[1guygirl]

i think theres a big diff between someone saying their ex didnt spend any money on her and using someone for money. im not a gold digger but its nice when a man isnt a skinflint with me either....doesnt has to be much but its a nice thought and shows he appreciates me

 

as for jus getting back at her ex, well if that was the case then anyone who meets someone down the line is getting back at their ex.

 

you were very interested in this girl until your mother brought it up?

 

jus play it slow and safe and see how it progresses but sounds like if anyones using someone its you using her

[ny guy]

you were very interested in this girl until your mother brought it up?

 

I am still really interested in this girl, I am really attracted to her and I'd like to try to get to know her....my mother just brought up this idea....probably to try to discourage me from dating her

[ny guy]

I often think when we are fresh off a break up and not ready for another relationship we start obsessing about the other person's past/intentions. It's in part insecurity and in part projection. If you project your fears on hers, you don't need to think about your own. And the big thing for you to think about is are you ready, fully ready to find someone for a long-term relationship without baggage?

 

If you are in this only for a good time, you shouldn't care why she's dating you.

 

Maybe you're right...maybe I'm not ready. I'm just going to do my best take it slow and keep an open mind....I know that at this point I'm definitely not down with jumping in a relationship....but I'm down for dating.

 

This is what I normally do though, I overthink things. It is definitely one of my downfalls, I sometimes get too wrapped up in my thoughts...

[Ariel85]

Stop talking to your Mother.

[ny guy]

Stop talking to your Mother.

 

haha...can be difficult since I am at home. I'm sure she has best of intentions when she says this stuff, and I do take it as an opinion and form my own ideas.

 

I've always had a certain level of 'trying to get mom's approval' in me...and i've definitely gotten better at accepting her disapproval for certain things I do, but obviously, I need to get better at keeping my emotions in check.

[BriarRose]

Sweet Jes*s, stop listening to your mother about your love life. Mothers will keep you single as long as they can. Anyways, I don't think she is "using" you. I agree with the other poster, there is a difference between not wanting to date someone who won't ever take you out vs. a gold digger. Time will tell which she is.