How do I approach this situation?

[SA2000]

The ex and I broke up 2 months ago. It was due to GIGS syndrome that we had broken up in the past over. She sent me a text telling me that she had figured some things out and wanted to talk to me last Saturday. I responded a few days later asking what she needed to tell me. She said she wasnt feeling well but would talk to me when I returned from vacation.

 

We spoke before I left but I was drunk. She called and asked why I never call her. I told her that I was upset because she had blown me off two times in the past. She said it was unintentional and that the second time was due to me not calling her for a week to confirm that we were still hanging out. I told her that she broke up with me for the same guy twice and that I think we should no longer speak and that I didnt want her to be a part of my life.

 

She responded saying she wanted to be a part of my life and that she wanted to see me from time to time. I asked her if she would come to my wedding some day. She said she would and would object because I am supposed to marry her. I told her again it was too hard and that we have hurt eachother too much. She started to talk about how her mother says she made the biggest mistake and that I am a great guy and that she feels we have a lot in common. She said that she is going to councelling to help her with her underlying issues that led to a lot of our problems. I told her that because she broke my trust that we should not talk anymore. I told her that we both needed time to heal and that eventually one of us would be ready to move on and the other wouldn't if we stay in contact. I asked her what else she had to say but she did not want to tell me as I had already said I didnt want her in my life anymore.

 

Her phone died. Fast forward 4 days to yesterday. We havent spoken since. She sent a text saying she hoped to hear from me soon and to have a good trip but that was it. Last night I text her and say I am home. That I was drunk during our conversation but would like to finish it. She says I told her that I didnt want her to be a part of my life and that she would respect that. I answered with OK. She texted back and said I do miss you alot and probably will for a long time. She said she will have some time to talk tonight and will call me later. Also she said she has some stuff of mine which I previously told her to throw away.

 

SO... How do I approach this conversation? I dont want to expect that she is going to tell me that she wants to work things out and realizes after dating douche bag that I am the right guy for her. That is setting myself up for more pain. I love this girl very much and would be willing to work through our differences if she is honestly going to seek help for her underlying issues. It seems as though she is interested in seeing where I stand but I may be missreading her intentions as they change often. Also I am further along in the healing process then I have ever been before and realize I could be setting myself up for a big set back.

 

Should I just let her speak and see what she has to say? Should I tell her I would be willing to try again but start only dating if that option is presented? Am I missreading the entire situation and just wasting my time with more game play? Should I walk away to avoid her walking in and out of my life AGAIN? What would you do?

[just not sure]

for starters, i think we're both aware you shouldn't have had a talk like that with her while you were drunk.

 

secondly, talk to her and respond according to how the conversation goes. she obviously wants to tell you something positive, so just tell her you wanna take it slow. i really don't see how anything bad can come out of that.

[iJester]

She's left you twice, are you really going to give a chance to do it a third time? You handled the situation correctly, now just ignore contact from her, and start really moving on.

[abitbroken]

I would get your stuff or have someone else get it and make that the point of the meeting. Keep the meeting brief, or even better meet somewhere to exchange the items if you don't want a friend to do it. I would reiterate to her that you are not interested. The only way you could be together (and don't tell her this) is if you don't keep in touch. If someday she does get over those issues and you meet again...who knows what would happened but I agree with what was said above - when someone leaves you twice and you are older than 15, you should just assume that she only wants you badly because you said you have had enough.

[SA2000]

I may be making excuses here but she left because I was a crappy boyfriend for about a year. We were together for 5+ years and were engaged. I think we both got cold feet. I don't want to get back into a situation that has the potential to hurt me again but would consider it if she is willing to make real sacrifices and follow through.

[shessofly]

if you are hoping to reconcile why did you tell her you didn't want her in your life anymore? is this suppose to be part of that non-chalant stuff?

[Kevo]

if you are hoping to reconcile why did you tell her you didn't want her in your life anymore? is this suppose to be part of that non-chalant stuff?

 

LOL! Agreed. I was going to say earlier that your words to her were pretty harsh and clear that you don't want her back.

[SA2000]

I responded harshly because I had been drinking. I felt as though she was just trying to string me along as she has been in light contact with me since the breakup. Now looking back though, she said a lot of things that have sparked my interest. I though what she was doing wasnt fair and that she could jump in and out of a relationship so easily with me was wrong.

 

But after taking a few days to digest what was said I wanted to dive a little deeper into the conversation. I want to see how serious she is and if she is interested in doing what it takes for us to be us again at some point.

 

If you really care for someone and you have clearly been the one to cause them pain, would you allow a few harsh words from them to stop you from recon? I would like to be one of those success stories that you always hear about but Im sure everyone here would.

[Kevo]

If you really care for someone and you have clearly been the one to cause them pain, would you allow a few harsh words from them to stop you from recon? I would like to be one of those success stories that you always hear about but Im sure everyone here would.

 

No, I wouldn't let that stop me from reconciling. But you definitely need to set the record straight because she probably thinks you hate her right now. You at least need to explain yourself.

 

I'm right here with you feeling strung along. In fact, I just started a thread this morning about how it's getting on my nerves. Haha and I haven't even been drinking. I feel ya.

[shessofly]

those weren't just a few harsh words, you told her you didn't want her in your life. then when she text you four days later and reminded you of those words and said said she would respect your wishes you said "ok" so if were her, i'd think you meant what you said.

 

it is up to you if you want to take another chance at being left again, but when you talk to her you need to ask her what her intentions are and stop playing mind games. if she can't say that she wants to get back together you will know she is playing games.

[Atticus90]

What is it with broken up couples always making contact when one of them is drunk? I've never called my ex while I was drunk.

Anyways, don't let her get you back so easy. Put your foot down and set some ground rules. If you have to, put her on hold and make her a** wait for you. She'll respect you for being a man about it to. Tell her you're not gonna let her come back to you, 'cause douchebag wasn't good enough. Say that if she wants to work it out, that it'll be on your terms since she's the one who wants to "reconcile".

 

Don't sound like a controlling person though when you talk to her. Just make her understand you're not a piece of clothing, she can take in and out of her closet whenever she pleases. Let her know that if it doesn't work out this time, then you're done for good.

[SA2000]

Let her know that if it doesn't work out this time, then you're done for good.

 

 

I agree with this. Although I can not say she wants to work things out for sure, I dont want to try again unless we are both willing to make the sacrifices it takes to make our relationship work and follow through. I guess I will go into the conversation just asking her what she has in mind as far as being "a part of my life".

 

But say we do reconcile, How do you do this exactly?

[dgmc]

I agree, put your foot down is right. Stop playing the games. It's only messing with you. If you send signals you don't mean, you're just going to end up regretting them. Figure out what you want and keep it simple.

 

If you want to give it another shot right now, then I suggest meeting with her (only if you are ready and can handle that) and setting some grounds rules. Go into the meetup being realistic. Just cause your willing to give it another shot doesn't mean it's going to happen. This is the girl that left you twice and has probably not changed. So don't expect for things to be great and reconcile will happen magically. Get a feel for how she feels. Figure out where she stands on the relationship. If you feel like she's willing to commit to a level that satisfies you, then go ahead a take it from there.

But remember it's far from over. Make her prove it to you a bit. Don't be rude or stubborn. But don't make it easy for her either. Hold yourself at a guard and take your time. Make her understand that what she did was wrong and it'll take some time to make things right. And if things do go down this road, have fun. No one likes a downer. You can have fun while still holding a slight guard. Things will be amazing on non-romantic level.

 

We are getting ahead of ourselves. The main point of this post seems to be, you need to take some time and figure out what you truly want. Don't over think it and play games, which is what everyone on here does. Keep it simple and be true to yourself and do whats right by you. It might not end in rainbows and butterflies, but at least you'll be able to live with yourself a little easier. No Regrets!

[Atticus90]

I agree with this. Although I can not say she wants to work things out for sure, I dont want to try again unless we are both willing to make the sacrifices it takes to make our relationship work and follow through. I guess I will go into the conversation just asking her what she has in mind as far as being "a part of my life".

 

But say we do reconcile, How do you do this exactly?

 

Reconcile is to get into a relationship on the terms each person sets. To solve the problem that was occurring before the breakup.

[SA2000]

Good points DGMC. We broke up and got back together in the past and jumped in too quickly without addressing our problems which led to yet another break up. Also you point out that we need to have fun again. I was too busy being mad that we broke up the first time.

 

As for reconcilliation, I am afraid that we both will feel as though we have put so much into this relationship that we can't allow ourselves to completely open up again in fear that we will get hurt. How do you get beyond that point?

[Atticus90]

Good points DGMC. We broke up and got back together in the past and jumped in too quickly without addressing our problems which led to yet another break up. Also you point out that we need to have fun again. I was too busy being mad that we broke up the first time.

 

As for reconcilliation, I am afraid that we both will feel as though we have put so much into this relationship that we can't allow ourselves to completely open up again in fear that we will get hurt. How do you get beyond that point?

 

You take a chance. If you care enough about eachother, then let your guard down. Worth it IMO if you love them. Wing it

[SA2000]

I guess we will see what happens. Normally I dominate these types of conversations but I just want to hear her out and get an idea of where her head is at.

[SA2000]

Well I went and talked to the ex. She told me that her and the other guy are going to be "serious" now. She went from telling me she wanted to marry me on Thursday to his girlfriend on Friday. She says she loves me but is going to be with him. She is afraid of him and what he might do if she were to tell him she didnt mean it. She says she knows she can be happy with me and that we are perfect for each other but she is going to be with him because he needs her. That I am a strong person and that Ill be fine but that he is damaged and needs someone like her. She says she will never marry him and that she is still in love with me. I asked her why she would be with him and let me go when she loves me and is afraid he will hurt her. She couldn't answer. At this point I realize that this isnt going anywhere. She said she will expect the text I usually send after we see eachother where I say we shouldnt see eachother because its too hard. I am not going to send that text. I am not going to send any text. I am going to go total and complete NC from here on out. She is now in a new relationship and I dont feel it is right for me to intrude. I wont answer her calls or texts. Its not fair to me to keep stringing me along when she is in a relationship with someone else. This situation went from being so beautiful, happy, and great to being the most pain I have ever felt.

 

So now I will continue to focus on rebuilding my life without her. Knowing that this is the last straw is the closure I needed. I always thought what if... but I gave her numerous opportunities to reconcile. It's hard for me to honestly let go but I have to do this for me. She will keep contacting me and stringing me along until I cut the string. That is long over due.

[sadchick83]

Im so sorry SA2000,

I have been following your situation for weeks. Just think, people don't always say what they mean, so the BS line she was giving you was likely not even true. She sounds very selfish and says and does things to meet her needs only.

 

I feel so bad for the rollarcoaster ride you have been on. I have been on one as well, but this morning, I got myself out of bed and went for a run...havent done that in months. This was a day after I hit rock bottom. SA2000, you will get better, just try.

 

Take care...

[SA2000]

Thanks Sad Chick. I think I will take some time away from here as well. It seems to remind me more of her when I read other situations. I wish you all well.

[sadchick83]

Well before you go....I noticed you were gone for a week or so....although the site is helpful, it kind of keeps you tied to your ex. DId you feel better after a week on no ENA?

[SA2000]

I was on vacation. I did feel a little better but that is because I was out of town and she was rarely on my mind. I started to think of her on my last day of vacation. It was nice to get away for a while but it didn't allow me the time I needed to process my feelings. I feel like I need to face my feelings head on and accept that it is really over this time. Its hard when you are the one who has to finally walk away and say that you wont put up with being strung along anymore. I couldnt face that while on vacation.

[expert01]

my situation is very similar to yours,ive been going through the same roller coaster for months and me myself have started to completely go no contact as these past few weeks she started to come back more and more but then i get dragged back in only for her to say her new relationship is serious,so why all the miss you still love you and part of me wants you back i dont want you leave my life? why oh why if shes happy with her new fella? i dont know if ill hear off her again who knows shes really unpredictable i sort of hope i dont but then theres that nagging bit inside of me which hopes i do at the same time,i like you need no contact completley to finally get rid of these feelings

 

good luck

[sadchick83]

I hear you SA. I was the dumper and dumpee in my situation...he treated me like crap, so I had to let him go- kicked him out of my house. Since he has only made a small attempt to reconcile, I guess I am now the dumpee.

 

I am likely being strung along now too. I went for dinner with my ex on Saturday. He decided we were "done." But, when I asked him to drop me off at another bar on the way home, he held my hand and would not leave my house. I said "fine, let's try again." He finally admitted to wanting to try again.

Then we went to bed.

 

My ex and yours seem similar--they think of themselves and feed you a BS line. NC is the way to go. I wish I had done it, but still have ex's stuff at my house. It's his last anchor to my place/relationship,

 

SA, you have been through hell and back. You need to be selfish now, really try. I saw your daily posts and could sometimes not believe my eyes! Take care of yourself....

[SA2000]

Thanks Sad Chick. I will try. I am going to see a therapist to hopefully get through this. I know that a lot of this has to do with her issues and what she has gone through. After 5 years its hard to walk away from someone you love that needs you but rejects you.