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just not sure

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Apprentice (3/14)

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  1. i wonder if you've REALLY thought this through. on a deep level. you're probably reveling in the honeymoon period. everything's wonderful and great and he's so great and fun and OMG wow this is so much better than it was when you were with me. and you have a huge ego, so you are probably thinking he's totally into you for real. but i bet you he's not. in fact, i'm almost certain that you're just a piece of *** to a guy who doesn't seem like he gets much action. MEANWHILE i was so so so proud to call you mine, even though at the moment it seems like you never really were. if we walked into wal-mart while you were sick, with your hair a mess and dressed in sweats, i KNEW i was the luckiest guy there because i was there with the most beautiful girl in the store. anywhere i went with you i was with the most beautiful, special girl in the room. that meant something to me. i wasn't looking for anything when i found you. i just happened to be conversing with an old friend on facebook and just happened to look through her friends list and just happened to come accross the most amazing face i'd ever seen. it makes me sad that you literally have NO ONE to tell you when you're doing something wrong. i don't expect anyone to call you out specifically for leaving, even if they did think it was wrong it was your decision. but friends, family...they're supposed to tell you when you're wrong. and the way you treated me was wrong. how could you tell your friends, your family you loved me and wanted to marry me and then a month later just ditch me...and have NO ONE ask you why? your mother is too afraid you'll leave her. your good time friends don't care. you don't talk to your real friends who'd ask your cousin just doesn't talk to you when y'all are annoyed at each other. so sad.
  2. i wrote almost the exact same thing in my journal last night
  3. "The truth is I wish for you all of the love in the world Shouldn't be hard, such a terribly beautiful girl It's just I'm not really used to this, feeling of uselessness, holding my heart in a vise Oh It tightens and loosens, tightens and loosens, the more that I ask myself why 'Cause I don't know, know , know why you're making me go Your face in the window is so, so sobering And I can just hope, hope, hope that somewhere down that road You'll look back and see you were never over me." - The Benjy Davis Project, "Over Me" i don't agree with the first line. i don't wish you happiness. you don't really deserve it. no matter what happens in my life, i'll always remember that text you sent me... "it really amazes me that someone who claims to love another person more than anything in the world would intentionally try to hurt them if things didn't work out." what amazes me is that you don't understand why i would want you to hurt. was i really supposed to just take this from you THREE times and still love you and still wish good things and happiness for you? i laid in bed with you and told you i didn't want to play this game with you 3 times, i trusted you and believed you even though you'd hurt me twice, and i asked you to please not make me feel stupid for doing so... and you looked me in my eyes and said "why would you say that to me? i love you and as long as you keep doing what you've been doing i'll be yours and we'll get married." and less than a month later you were breaking up with me in order to do whatever it is you're doing with this LOSER. i wanted you to hurt because i think that's what you need. At the present time, the person who loves you the most can't stand to look at you. congratulations, you've finally accomplished something difficult. do you really not understand? i do love you more than the world. even now. but i'm old, i'm boring, maybe i don't turn you on like i used to. and you're looking for fun & excitement, i assume. but being hurt and used and manipulated and lied to the way you've done to me will kill love. i'd have never thought i could think of you the way i see you now. we were both each other's first serious relationship. and i've always felt like you were emotionally unstable, stunted even. after 5 years for you to tell me i got boring as if every relationship is fresh and exciting after 5 years...or that i'm not what you want "right now" but being UNABLE to tell me that you wouldn't want me again. what you apparently want "right now" is to act like a fool with this malibu's most wanted wannabe with no future, who's most likely just using you because he apparently doesn't get much action. i know intellectually all the things i should know. i know that the truth is that you aren't good enough for ME, not vice versa. i know that you're always going to be chasing "that feeling." i know that there's no way i should ever take you back, not that i really expect that i'll have the option. but like the song says, i can't help feeling that we were SO SO CLOSE to having it all. i've never been able to visualize the big picture. i'd never been able to picture myself holding MY child, or see myself as an old man. But i still see myself in my dress blues waiting for you to meet me at the end of the aisle. I still see how beautiful you'd look after giving birth to our child. I see us sitting on our porch swing as an old couple. And none of them will likely happen. at least not with you. and I know that everyone will say that when it does happen, it'll be better because it'll happen with the girl it was supposed to happen with. and that's true, but i believe that it was supposed to happen with you. i believe it with all my heart. but you don't. i'm leaving in 5 or 6 months and you know it. i'm in the best shape of my life and it's only getting better and you know it. i still love you more than the air i breathe and you know it. our lives will be set up for us exactly the way we wanted within half a year and you know it. and you leave now. i STILL want all those things. the reward would always be worth the risk with you, but i don't think you'll ever be willing to put in the time & effort to truly prove to me that you could be trusted. i've never believed in karma but in the month since you've done this to me again, you've had to purchase a new car, your dog got crippled and you and your DB-BF have had a little scare. we never had a song. justin's "what goes around..." will do nicely. ETA: and someone alot smarter than I will have to explain to me how you could ever look at that ring in your drawer again and not feel awful. or why you have the last valentine's day card i gave you still in your drawer either. how do you sleep?
  4. i've said all i really have to say to you. you know exactly how i feel about you because i've told you so many times, in good times and bad. and even through all the terrible things you've done to me in the last year, i do still love you. but i don't think i could ever be with you again. not that i really expect that i'll ever get "that call." of course, i didn't really think i would after the last 2 times either. and i've heard all this before. you've told me how much you liked the other 2 d-bags...until you didn't or they didn't call you back after you slept with them and then slowly you came back. it's different this time though. because it has to be. we've done this 3 times now and only been split up for like 4 months total. that's not happening this time, regardless. you've got a guy who seemingly is into you at least for now, although i suspect i know why. i'm sure at some point you'll get bossy or demanding or difficult because that's who you are. his best friend came into my store yesterday and i asked him if he knew anyone named mary and he said no. you're being used (again) and you prolly don't even see it (again). the worst part of all of this for me is just how different a person you are from the girl i truly fell deeply in love with. that girl is gone and i know that what i'm holding onto is something that doesn't exist and i keep hoping that it will come back or that i can fix you. but i don't think it will and i know i can't. i know alot of people around here always say that they could never get back with an ex after they slept with someone else. that doesn't really bother me. it's not the sex that bothers me. i don't really think you view sex as anything but an activity anyway. you've told me as much. what bothers me is that you could lay in a bed with a man you've been with for 5 years (even if it's been off and on for the last year) and then sleep with another guy less than a week later. do you really think that little of yourself? you've always been conceited, but i think it's just a front. i know i shouldn't think of things like this cause it's basically just self-flagellation but do you even think of me when you're with him? do you think of how his hands feel different? do i really never cross your mind? is that even possible after 5 years? the saddest part is that i've come so far recently. i know i have a long way to go yet, but i'm getting there. i've lost 70 lbs in 3 months. I've gotten a good job. i'll be signing my enlistment papers before the year is out and everything we wanted for ourselves is right there. it's coming. soon. and you don't care. i'll be gone completely in less than 4-5 months and i don't think it bothers you in the slightest. i wake up every morning at 6:30 AM, usually after a dream about you, and i can't get back to sleep. then i force myself to get up and get dressed and i fake being happy for the rest of the day and then the cycle repeats. and i'm sure you sleep like a baby.
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