Devastated

[sososad45]

I don't know why I'm even posting this. I alredy know the answer and what I should do. My boyfriend and I had a good relationship. We were living together in my house. He is financially strapped & I was helping him out. Drinking has been an issue with him. No doubt he has a problem. Every 4-6 weeks he pulls some drunk bad stunt, the last one was blasting music the night before I had a very important work function. He starts drinking and his personality changes. He has tendency to be mean. Borderline verbally abusive. We have talks the next day. He is always very remorseful. Says he's going to change.

 

But this one is the worst. Last weekend we went out with friends. A married couple. the wife has her own issues. Apparently they have an open marraige. My b/f and I talked about how wrong it was, and we were aware of the situation. The night we went out, we were having fun and ended up at a diner. The wife kept getting up from the table & trying to go to other bars. Each of us would get her & bring her back. She did it again. My b/f went to get her this time & they didn't come back. The husband and I sat at the table waiting. Then, looking for them after the bill was paid. Neither would answer phones. Or texts. We went to the local bars looking for them. Probably an hour went by. We decided to go home to my place. the door to my spare room was closed. I thought they were home, so I looked in the spare room to check and my b/v was naked on couch and she was on ground with pants off.

 

Obviously the scene was not good. The wife and husband left. B/f is denying everything. He wont leave. I threw his clothes out. He lets my cat outsidd in a drunk malicious stunt.

 

He moves out the next day. Texts me how sorry he was and that he just took off his clothes to go to sleep. He was blacked out, etc... After lying to me the next day & denying, I finally get answer from wife that making out and groping occurred. B/f still denying until I tell him I know.

 

Of course I get the remorseful texts the whole next day. then, it comes out that he claims he innocently grabs a cab to go home to prevent any further drunken problems (mind you not telling me & the the other guy). He claims she ( * * * * * wife) jumped into cab and was all over him. He kept telling her no... he still claims nothing happened, but he ended up naked on the couch in the spare room. Her on the ground.

 

More texts- he claims that sex didnt happen. so it was a big drunken mistake. He is so sorry he hurt me, etc... etc... lost without me. Something is wrong with him. That he'll quit drinking. That we'll get through this. (incidentally, the same thing happened to him with an ex- with him being the victim.) He says the pain will go away...etc... All of it was blamed on alcohol. He says he can only remember bits- he never wanted to make out with her. She jumped him...etc...

 

After writing my story, I am horrified again. Embarrassed. Used. Humiliated. I love him so much & this hurts so much. I know that I will be more of a loss to him, I feel bad about his pain.

 

Is there anyway he could be telling the truth? The whole thing doesn't make sense. I know he didnt want to be with her. I told him he had choices that whole time. He could have made the right ones.

 

I am so devastated. Betrayed. Any words of guidance would be appreciated, even though I know what the right thing to do it. He is too much of a risk, the drinking, financial problems. I can't creat a life with him or raise a family with him.

 

I'm just so sad b/c we are such good companions. Everything else about us is so right. Drinking has caused big problems inthe relationship & the majority of fights (along with finances.)

 

Should I play this hand or pull from the table?

[guynextdoor]

Why do you love him? He has no job, is an alcoholic and blames his drinking for getting naked with this woman. He needs to seek counseling, I really don't see how this is going to work out if he doesn't seek help. I'm sorry for what you have to go through and witness.

[FrenchFries]

I have been cheated on so I feel your pain, but I could not even begin to imagine having caught him in the act. That scene will be forever etched in your memory. This is one I don't think you will recover from with this particular boyfriend. He has made and broken the promise to stop drinking one too many times. I think it's time to pull away, work through the pain and heal from the relationship. It will never be the same. I'm sorry. You've already given him countless chances to change. At bare minimum you need to see him making changes over a period of time before even discussing being a couple again. But I would say he has officially destroyed what was left of your relationship.

[FrenchFries]

I also want to add that it was VERY hard to break up with and stay away from my cheating SO. It took me awhile to heal, but you should not stay with someone because of the fear of the pain that comes from not having them when they are so destructive to you and your relationship. You can do it. It's past time.

[sunnyv]

You deserve someone who will not cheat. You will find them

[corrin]

If I ever found my wife naked in a room with a half naked man, that would be more than enough. I wouldn't care how drunk they were, whether they were asleep and in separate areas of the room, or any other circumstances. She would be gone.

 

Also, his story is very suspicious. If he was drunk enough to get in that situtation, it's highly unlikely that he would not have stopped once it started.

[LDRohnos]

Being drunk isn't an excuse. I would be gone so fast all you'd see is a puff of smoke where I used to be.

[yeawutever]

I would have left very fast that day and he wouldn't hear from me again. In addition he's a loser without a job, has drinking problems, lacks self-control and a cheater... what more do you want to get yourself involve with???

If a relationship has too much negative aspects and causes nothing but stress then it's pointless staying in it. Move on and get into a relationship without any of those complications with a decent man who doesn't cheats nor is an alcoholic.... and has a life.

[675squat]

Ditch his sorry ass. Move on. You sound hot, so Im sure youll find plenty of guys to date and replace him.

[sososad45]

Thanks to everyone who responded. Now the pain is really setting in. Since "D-day" I have found out he was lying about things. His mother even called to find out what was going on. He, of course, lied to her, too. It was difficult to sort out in between the constant phone calls, texts, crying & showing up to my house. He admitted that he doesn't know why he did it. That it had nothing to do with our relationship. He was still attracted to me. We had a good, strong relationship. That it wouldnt have mattered who it was at the time, just some woman willing to give him sex during that drunken state. He had no respect for me, my house, my cat (who he "loved so much" or our relationship at all. On top of it, he really had nothing to bring to the table. I would always be the main bread winner. He took me and everything I did for him for granted. I know that he will think of this for years to come. I just never thought he had the capabilty to do this to me. He'll probably learn from his mistakes, better himself for the next girl. And, I'm left as "fall-guy" again. I do find more strength when I review these posts. Thanks to all.

[lavenderdove]

Be careful because this is like saying a tiger makes a good house pet except for the fact that it might maul you to death.

 

You may be very compatible in some ways, but he is showing a serious lack of character and maturity, and as you say, doesn't bring much to the table other than a great big helpling of pain for you. People's character is formed quite young and rarely changes. If he is financially irresponsible, has a drinking problem, has the absolute audacity to leave you sitting in a restaurant with a friend while he and the wife have sex in YOUR house, that is all just too much to overcome because he just doesn't have much character. People without character can be funny, sweet, charming etc., but they will still ruin your life if you let them by behaving in ways like this, because they are driven by what's in it for them, and no consideration for the impact of their behavior on you.

 

He'll cry and beg til you take him back, then he'll wait a bit, and do it again... you've already seen the repetition, and the behavior seems to just get worse and worse, so i think you need to stay strong and not wreck your life yoking yourself to someone with such serious problems and little character. The crying and calls etc. are manipulative gestures to bully or guilt you into taking him back, but those tears don't change who he is....

[sososad45]

New info-It's been a month- he's trying to win me back- flowers, cards in mail, emails, etc... we even met for lunch. he's see a therapist. says he's going to make all these changes- he's learned so much, etc.. etc... crying, phone calls, texts, etc... then ultimatum- (I'm starting to soften up.... can't help it... excited about changes...he says he's going to get rest of degree-- get a job- applying to all kinds of places- he's going to work his --- off to make things right... yes- (I still have access and password to his email--and.....i check it occasionally to see what he's doing- unbeknowst to him.) today i find that he signed up for a sex web site. the following is his profile--- he's looking for 3-somes and one-on-one sex- on this sleezy, sleezy website- How can it get any worse?? I feel sick.

 

"I like to make a few fantasies come true for my lovers. When I'm out driving I feel completely free in my car. I've always been good at getting a conversation started and keeping it interesting. I've reached the point where things are good, but lacking that vital spark. Time to change that. The philosophy I live by is stay relaxed, stay mellow, stay loose and be open to whatever happens. I'm in the mood for a little devil to lead me astray. I look forward to setting up our first rendezvous. I'm not changing my life, I'm just trying to make it more interesting. If you contact me remember that emails with a naked photo get special consideration. "

 

 

i'm of course devasted once again- call him and confront him- confess i have been checking his email- he projects- says he has no intention of using it- thought we were done for good- etc... its only been a month!! not even!!!

 

 

please- please- i need major, major words of encouragement. he is so manipulating. its so hard to remain strong.

[karvala]

You mean it's hard not to go back for more? Really??

 

Let's look at this guy

 

(1) He freeloads off you because he can't pay his way.

(2) He has a drinking problem because he lacks willpower.

(3) While living off you in your house, he is verbally abusive towards you.

(4) He goes off with someone else's wife while you're out together, and has sex with her.

(5) He lies about it, then lies about it some more, then lies about even more, and eventually the truth comes out in little bits, as he constantly tries to deny what he did. Not even a modicum of honesty in his approach.

(6) While telling you all about how he's going to change, how he's going to be do all sorts of wonderful things, he's cheerfully posting a profile on a sex site, saying "emails with a naked photo get special consideration".

 

You really find it hard to live without all of that? Cut him off and don't look back. You can do WAY better.

[miracle29]

Soso, I can't tell you what to do, I can tell you choose your pain. When a man is unfaithful they don't clean up for a "CERTAIN" woman. You can lose weight, dye your hair, have glutes that can kill and he wont stop. He has no respect for you. I wouldnt' even speak to him again. That will hurt him a hell of a lot more than you tossing his close. She..on the other hand, why isn't she being called to the carpet from her husband? This is sick, he could have gotten an STD. This is horrible. I am so sorry this man did this to you, but I'll be even sadder if you trick yourself in a weak moment thinking he'll change. And he will....for a short temp time. Than once he has you where he wants you...he's back off to his clearly pathalogical lying manipulative ways. I wish you well. Please choose wisely. Can you imagine yourself with him 9 yrs from now. Two kids late, stuck home while he's giving what he claims is yours to 99 women a month? Be strong here. You don't have to even ask, you feel this in your spirit you know its shady. You know it. He knows you know, and he is going to turn it around. Don't let him underestimate your intelligence any further!

[sososad45]

OK- update- he understands how seeing that profile would upset me. but, now I 'm vilified and demonized for violating his personal space by hacking into email. (i know it was wrong, but I couldnt sit idle again and be played for the chump.) i should understand his need to be with someone- b/c he's lonely & upset. even though its on a sleezy gross sex website, meant for soley sex hook-ups. He doesn't want to talk to me again. he now realizes his need to be happy to make his future partner happy. and he hopes i find happiness in the future too. Even though he was the one that cheated in the first place and shattered the trust. Somehow. Its my fault that I wouldnt forgive him. that i refused to work on it. Please, give me more words of encouragement. Please.

[lavenderdove]

OK, things can get to the point where continuing with another person is really a self inflicted wound...

 

You KNOW this guy has no character... he has repeatedly shown you that. Do NOT mistake charm and lies for character or true intentions.

 

So his latest trick is to blame YOU for his bad behavior... really, what is there to 'work on' when the problem is he is a lazy, druken, lying, cheater? You could be perfect and that wouldn't change him into a good guy.

 

You are looking to turn a frog into a prince, and it won't happen. You need to just recognize that he is a BAD GUY and quit believing his lies and look at his actions. He has no intention of staying faithful, nor staying away from sleazy sex with whomever will have him, so you just need to stop chasing after such a nasty piece of work as this guy.

 

If you can't control your emotions, consider going to a counselor who will help teach you what love is... just because you feel sad losing him doesn't mean it was true love....

 

of course you will be in pain for a little while getting over the breakup, but that pain pales in comparison to how much pain you'd be in staying with this guy. consider yourself lucky you discovered how bad he is before you had a couple kids with him.

[sososad45]

Thanks to all. I need sound advice and reassurance right now. I can't believe that he is revealing what kind of person he was. I was so fooled. Now I wonder what was really true & what was a lie. I think that he is narcisistic.(sp?) It just makes me so so sad to discover this. i never thought he had the capabilty.

 

Please continue to give thoughts & reflections. They are helping me more than you know. I review these posts a couple times a day when I have a freak out. Giving me strength and resolve. So hard to separate lies and truth.

[miracle29]

OK- update- he understands how seeing that profile would upset me. but, now I 'm vilified and demonized for violating his personal space by hacking into email. (i know it was wrong, but I couldnt sit idle again and be played for the chump.) i should understand his need to be with someone- b/c he's lonely & upset. even though its on a sleezy gross sex website, meant for soley sex hook-ups. He doesn't want to talk to me again. he now realizes his need to be happy to make his future partner happy. and he hopes i find happiness in the future too. Even though he was the one that cheated in the first place and shattered the trust. Somehow. Its my fault that I wouldnt forgive him. that i refused to work on it. Please, give me more words of encouragement. Please.

 

 

PLEASE PLEASE and with two pleases on the side, PLEASE go to my Last page in the Infidelity section, with the link i posted it will HELP YOU!

 

P.s. I don't know if you read the new "i'm a cheating jerk diaries" but its now ok in 2010 for someone to cheat, but its NOT ok for you to catch them. Its never ok for you to call them on it, and if you snoop, well than all cheating has just been voided and now you become the villian and they become the hero who you will be LUCKY enough to keep. Ooh you better pray he forgives YOU for your horrid deed. *INSERT SARCASM HERE*(Oh no *insert sarcasm everywhere because i'm on a roll sister!* infact its all your fault that he is a liar, cheater and treats you like poo just because you snooped. Yep, its in the diary. A diary he wrote, printed and sold to YOU.

 

Now back to REALITY:

You did the right thing, snooping aside, you found what you needed my dear and now its time for you to make a choice. I hope you choose your dignity, and protect yourself, because if you don't love yourself enough to leave this type of masoginist alone, how can you expect anyone to love you enough to stop treating you barely better than you'd treat youself? I don't even have to meet you or him to give you a short list of his next games he'll be playing on you to victimize you somemore. But if you read that link, oh you won't need another sarcastic word from me. I bet you 9 Zillion dollars if you left him and gave yourself some time to find someone new, you'd never regret it. If you stay, I fear you would! I hope you choose yourself over him, like he's clearly chosen over you! I know you can do better, he does too, but as long as he can keep you under his little dirty scummy thumb, you'll never see it. I hope you read the link, get angry and get out!

[merce79]

quit drinking or goodbye