A year on, happiest ive ever been - a final post

[matador1972]

Some of you may remember me from when I split last September with my wife of 16 years, 17 and a half year relationship.

 

I was crushed, devastated, and a wreck of a man when it happened. I read this forum, I listened to advice, and most of it, i didnt take on board, i thought I knew best, but I realised the only way to come to terms with something is in your own time.

 

She said we didnt have enough in common, which wasnt true, but her mind was made up, more annoyingly, she did it 3 months after we moved into our new house.

 

I was in a pretty unfulfilling relationship, my wife was never a particularly sexual person, sex was once or twice a month, lights off, really quite dull. She was the only woman I had ever been with though, so i knew no different. I thought I was happy, so when the breakup happened, it knocked me for six.

 

I was desperate for reconciliation, it was my immediate plan to try and win her back, as we got towards xmas, I found out she was dating, we spent xmas together with the kids, it was extremely awkward and I couldnt wait for her to go. I cried through new year bells, and told myself it would be the last tears id shed over her, I finally accepted 3 months after it happened that I wouldnt get back with her and set about creating a new life for myself.

 

I think, in hindsight, this was the hardest thing I had to come to terms with, I realise now, it wasnt really her I was missing, it was the normality that I craved, and once i accepted life wasnt going to be the same any more, I was able to finally embrace that.

 

I got back into my keep fit, lost about 40 lbs, met a few girls and had a bit of fun, having never been single before, it was a huge confidence booster to go out and meet girls, I had always felt pretty asexual, after meeting my wife at an early age, she was my first girlfriend, it really gave me a boost to work on myself, in all aspects to get fit and have fun. I was never really able to be myself with my wife, but again I didnt realise that until the spell had broken.

 

So, a year on, how do I feel? I feel honestly great, my wife wanted to get back together with me in March and I refused, it was when she saw me moving on, a month later, she moved a guy in with her and they have been living together since then, it showed me that she couldnt cope being on her own, and I made the right decision to say no. I was desperate to stay friends with her when it happened, but now, we are friendly for the kids, theres no animosity, but I actually have no desire to do anything with her socially, or be friends with her, truth be told, when I do talk to her now, i find her pretty dull, I really now see her as she is and not how she was in my minds eye.

 

So, if you are newly split up, seperated, and struggling, because you wouldnt believe how badly I struggled a year ago, days seemed like weeks, weeks like months and months like years, when you let go and accept it, you never know, life may work out better than you ever imagined.

 

I will stick around the forums to help out people as I was helped, but this post marks the end of my own involvement with my own problems, and I hope that it can give some hope or encouragement to people who are newly split, as these were the posts that helped me get through some very dark times a year ago.

[ElleB]

Congratulations on your success.. I think, given how long you shared with your ex wife, that your recovery has been monumental and very speedy. This post will give, I hope, many here the lift they need and show the light at the end of the tunnel. I am at month 3 currently - not quite over it but definitely getting there. I feel as time passes the healing process can speed up exponentially. I wish you luck in your new life.

[professorplum]

Thanks for posting - inspirational and interesting to read. Would you like to date again in the future or are you just enjoying some 'me' time?

[MrSpeed]

It is one month on Monday and now 8 days since I intitiated NC. This post gives me real hope for my future. Thank you.

[Mttens]

Congratulations and thanks for sharing with us! I`m 3 months out from a 12y relationship and truly wish one day soon (hopefully) to feel good again. Must be so liberating.

[brokenhurt]

um dumped by gf of 3 years its been 1 and a half month since we broke up and 20 days of NC ,but i came to know few days back that she has changed her number as i txted n called her alot in 15 days after breakup

 

is there still a chance?

 

anybody who got her gf/bf back after he/she changed all contacts?

[Matt_P]

Well done matador, after such a long relationship it would've been devastating to have lost her and get over it. It's so pleasing to hear you say what you've said. I broke up with the only girl i've ever been with and live in constant fear of her being with someone else. But if you can do it, i can do it. Just now i can't really see the light, but you've helped me know that it's there!

[matador1972]

Congratulations on your success.. I think, given how long you shared with your ex wife, that your recovery has been monumental and very speedy. This post will give, I hope, many here the lift they need and show the light at the end of the tunnel. I am at month 3 currently - not quite over it but definitely getting there. I feel as time passes the healing process can speed up exponentially. I wish you luck in your new life.

 

Time certainly helps, its funny, I see my wife now, and feel nothing sexually for her, as I said, I find her pretty dull and realised I was not being myself around her a lot of the time, that said, she's the mother of my kids and was right to call time on our relationship, Im lucky that I am able to still get on well with her, as many couples dont. I think this is down to the fact we were more friends for a long time than husband and wife, so after all the smoke has cleared, we were still able to be friendly, not that there wasnt some times where we did hate each other, but thats all past now.

 

While the thought of it is bad, and you will feel terrible when you find out she is dating, just look at the big picture, she split with you, she doesnt want you, so dont get upset over it.

 

Thanks for posting - inspirational and interesting to read. Would you like to date again in the future or are you just enjoying some 'me' time?

 

Im dating a girl at the moment, and its going well so far, im not in any rush to move in with anyone, Im really enjoying that if I want to spend time with her I can, or if i want time on my own I can do that too, I dated far too early though, that was the big mistake I made, I started dating a month after i split up to distract me, but i would say for people to date, just keep it light, sometimes a distraction is good. I fell in love with keep fit classes though, and they got me through a lot of tough times.

 

It is one month on Monday and now 8 days since I intitiated NC. This post gives me real hope for my future. Thank you.

 

You're welcome, I hope it goes well for you, no contact is tough, I thought i could do it with contact, but it really wasnt until I killed off the relationship in my head that i was able to get over it, I did all the stupid things at the start, bought her presents, texted her etc, funnily enough I realised that it was a cycle that happened for years, my wife was only happy when she was getting little presents, and I realised that after we split, I made a decision that Id not buy anyones affection in future, that if my time and personality was not enough for them, then they were not good enough for me.

 

Congratulations and thanks for sharing with us! I`m 3 months out from a 12y relationship and truly wish one day soon (hopefully) to feel good again. Must be so liberating.

 

And it will come, it wont just happen one day, I would say its only really in the last month that i can hold my hand on my heart and say I am completely over the breakup, its not just the person though, its the routine and way of life you have to come to terms with, the upheaval of starting a new life. What I love is when people now tell me how happy I look, its a great feeling, I never had that before.

 

um dumped by gf of 3 years its been 1 and a half month since we broke up and 20 days of NC ,but i came to know few days back that she has changed her number as i txted n called her alot in 15 days after breakup

 

is there still a chance?

 

anybody who got her gf/bf back after he/she changed all contacts?

 

Theres always a chance, its the age old thing though, when my wife came back asking for it, I realised it wasnt what I wanted anymore (actually, that was probably the biggest thing in helping me move on, was saying no to her). A month before and id have made the wrong decision and gone back with her, living in fear of it happening again with a pretty loveless relationship.

 

Well done matador, after such a long relationship it would've been devastating to have lost her and get over it. It's so pleasing to hear you say what you've said. I broke up with the only girl i've ever been with and live in constant fear of her being with someone else. But if you can do it, i can do it. Just now i can't really see the light, but you've helped me know that it's there!

 

I cant tell you how hard it was to find out she was dating, it was coming up to xmas (its all detailed on another thread), and i thought we might well get back together for xmas, she had been seeing someone, but broke it off and we were spending nearly every night together hanging out, she told me I was her soulmate, then boom, I find out she's back on the dating website. That was a shock, it went round in my head for days, then my daughter comes home with a new laptop a few weeks later that another guy she was seeing gave to her, the final thing was her introducing a guy to the kids, but moving him in the same weekend, a pretty fast mover! My daughter came home the next day and told me she found a used condom in the toilet, it was pretty hard to hear but then i thought, what reason is this to upset me? I know id never take her back, theres always just something niggling in the back of your mind, I would just try and figure out if it was a rational or irrational thing to worry about.

 

It was funny, I didnt want to meet him, see him because he was sleeping with my wife, now Im completely indifferent to him, but he doesnt want to meet me, but her parents have invited me to their 70th birthday party in december, so I will finally meet the guy then, and that bothers me not a bit. If someone had told me a year ago that my precious wife would be living and sleeping with another man in half a year, id probably have committed suicide, now I find it funny that she hasnt given herself enough time on her own and will no doubt end up splitting with him. Funnily enough the guy looks very like me too.

[luckyman]

Great story, glad to hear! In time the storm clears, and the sun shines again!

[laceyjay]

I hope I have the same story to tell in a year! Congratulations.

[Gennifer]

Your post is going to give a lot of people the hope they need to move on. Thanks and congrats on your new (and improved) life!!

[eatpraylove]

I think that is a big part of the missing pic right now for where so many of us are right now....getting yourself back!!! FInding your center and balance, becoming the "best" you that you can become....then you're ready to get out there and have fun..and in that context and with that work that was done, totally different mind set can really move you into a totally different direction in your life, and all the pieces start to fall into place.

 

Thanks so much for sharing!!! This just confirms for me what I have to work on more so from this day forward.

[LarsWB]

Wow...the similarities....I too was married for 16...somewhere in 15 it started to fall apart, for many reasons. I of course valued our relationship and loved her so much that I spent many many months changing things about my behavior, getting back to the 'me' she fell in love with. Things changed...it started to work, things started getting so much better between us. Talk about feeling good and being optimistic! Then suddenly, and I mean suddenly - she just ran. Left. Took off while my heart was completely wide open to her. The hurt and pain have been devastating. Right now it's all I can do to keep myself strong enough to raise my 13 yr old son and hold this house together. I hope and pray that someday I'll be able to feel the way you do. Hurting like this every single day - well, it's awful. Thanks for posting, and I look forward to the day I can honestly say I'm over this.

[matador1972]

I know exactly how you feel, you only have to read my earlier posts to see the anguish that i went through, I seriously never thought i would get over it, I couldnt even concentrate enough to read a book, i was a zombie at work.

 

Hopefully you will find the same as me, that theres not only life after your wife, but a better one!

[mistrall]

awsome post, im so happy for you - and thankyou for coming back to post it, it has given alot of people including my self hope!

 

you are the man!

 

i repeat you are the man!! hehe

 

X M

[brokenhurt]

awsome post, im so happy for you - and thankyou for coming back to post it, it has given alot of people including my self hope!

 

you are the man!

 

i repeat you are the man!! hehe

 

X M

 

lol we are appreciating others its good but when we are going to get our ex back lol sometime its like i feel i will surely get her but next moment i think that if she has to come back why she left me at first place....if someone left you at first place and you had beg and cried but they never listened to you then why would they come back after sometime because obviously they had strong enough decision that they never looked back even you cried and begged alot

[Kaytie]

Thanks so much for posting this.

 

I'm 8 months out of a 12 year relationship and it's great to see the success others who've been in very long-term relationships have had at the one year mark. I am well on my way...each month is getting easier and I can honestly say I wouldn't take her back now if she asked. It's amazing the clarity you get with hindsight.

[brokenhurt]

Thanks so much for posting this.

 

I'm 8 months out of a 12 year relationship and it's great to see the success others who've been in very long-term relationships have had at the one year mark. I am well on my way...each month is getting easier and I can honestly say I wouldn't take her back now if she asked. It's amazing the clarity you get with hindsight.

 

r u dumper or dumpee n y you people broke

[matador1972]

The big thing for me was actually having her want to come back to me, it finally happened when I had told myself I wouldnt take her back even if she wanted back, sure enough once that decision was made, she came calling after keeping me on a string for so long, it took a lot for me to say, "no, its not what i want anymore", but actually mean it too. The hardest thing about splitting was not losing my wife (who i loved dearly, and will always have a special place in my heart as the mother of my two daughters), but for my whole world to be turned upside down, as it turned out, it was the best thing to happen to me.

 

This last year, Ive had some brilliant experiences, ive experienced the lowest lows, but also some of the highest highs, and I wouldnt change it for a bit.

 

I think the most important thing ive learned is that, i posted a lot in the early days about wanting to stay friends and do stuff with her, which a lot of people also want, but now Im over her, I dont want this at all, I dont dislike her, I can still sit and chat and have a laugh with her now, but I find her pretty boring now im seeing her with my rose tinted spectacles taken off, and Id rather do stuff with someone else than with her. For anyone wanting to be friends with your ex, wait until you are not in love anymore before deciding whether to do this, I know now, that had i left her alone and gone no contact earlier, she would have came back to me within a matter of months, im glad now that didnt happen, i was so frightened to live my life without her though, im sure i would have taken her back and the cycle would have repeated, we would have ended up splitting again in a few years like we did a few years ago.

[calmblue]

Thank you for the uplifting post. It's been a long week for me and it's only Monday. Glad to hear you made it through everything and are doing so well!

[DN]

Great post. Should be required reading for anyone who is in a similar position as you were at the beginning of this journey.

 

And I am glad you are going to continue to help people on here.

[Tanzi]

Thank you for sharing your story matador. It is a truly inspriational read and I'm sure it will help give belief to those who are at the beginning of their emotional journey.

 

My story is similar to yours. My ex husband left me after 12 years of marriage (13 years together) and I was devastated. Even though he left me for another woman I was filled with hope that one day we would get back together and had he wanted to do so in the beginning of our split I would have gladly taken him back. Six months into our break up I met someone else with whom I am still in touch and my life changed forever. That relationship didn't work and it was the break-down of that relationship that led me here to eNA. I believe that I still had an excess of emotional baggage from my marriage that I had taken with me into my new relationship. I let go of my husband to cling onto someone else. Despite that relationship ending we have remained friends and I have never looked back from the day we met. It taught me a lot about my marriage.

 

My ex-husand and I are civil towards each other now, we have to be for the sake of our 3 children but when he comes to the door wearing his usual frown I thank my lucky stars I am no longer with him. His new relationship didn't last and eventually he made noises about missing me and all that he had lost and if onlys. Unfortunately for him I had moved on.

 

It has now been 3 years since my husband left and I wouldn't have it any other way. In fact I can now admit to myself that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was in my marriage. I actually used to go to bed thinking that there must be more to life than the way things were. I thought we were happy but life had kind of taken over and we were plodding along.

 

Three years ago I was scared, desperate and lonely. I had given up work to bring up our children and had been totally dependent on my husband. Now I have a new career and a new relationship. My boyfriend is a truly wonderful man. My girls adore him and he adores my girls. I am in a truly happy place and I thank the day my husband walked out on me.

 

My ex-husband incidentally has gone from relationship to relationship never being alone yet never finding whatever it is he left me to find.

[AutumnBorn]

My ex-husband incidentally has gone from relationship to relationship never being alone yet never finding whatever it is he left me to find.

 

 

As long as he keeps looking outside himself and not within, he'll never find it.

[Tanzi]

As long as he keeps looking outside himself and not within, he'll never find it.

 

That is very true. I long ago realised that the reason he wasn't happy was because of issues he has within himself and not issues we had within the marriage. I wonder if he will ever be truly happy.