I can't handle his family...

[Oasis_Fan]

As some of you may know, I have some issues with my boyfriend's past. Basically because of all the explicit sexual details he shared with me and the fact that I am younger, more immature, and also I don't have much of a past compared to him.

 

Well my problem now, is his family. I am trying to move past these issues but his family is holding me back and I feel like there really isn't anything I can do.

 

Last night his grandmother casually mentioned his ex. After a little awkwardness, she explained to me (in front of everyone) how sometimes when one of her sons broke up with a girl, she still liked them and that it was 'okay.' This really embarressed me. She made me feel like a freak in front of everyone.

 

His mother had pictures lying on the table once of his ex-fiance and my boyfriend grabbing each other a** and kissing. And pics of his ex-fiance's son. I shouldn't have seen it. My mother would never do that to him. Really, I don't get it. I think it's ignorant. She also talked about them casually and mentioned how nice they were, etc. Not to mention the framed pics of them and the pics she has on facebook of them.

 

Then there was the time when his sister told me about the time her friend (another ex) said that his c**k was this big. (And she held her hands so far apart.)

 

Seriously, I feel like I'm being torn apart. My family never says/shows him anything to hurt him and when I try to talk to him about it, he ignores me and says there's nothing he can do. I can't take this bull anymore. I don't think it's right. It's horrible to be reminded about girls he used to be with. I'm having issues and I really want to move on. Any advice?

[SapphireNoir10]

You have to ignore them. They are either just insensetive, oblivious, or are an open family who think you are ok with stuff like that.

 

All you can do is try to stay away from them as much as possible without being rude and remember its not your bf doing this its them. Hes with you and loves you and his past is his past.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

when I try to talk to him about it, he ignores me and says there's nothing he can do

 

This statement alone tells me that it is time for you to get out of this relationship. His family is disrespecting you because your boyfriend is disrespecting you. It is quite possible he has not been singing your praises to his family and perhaps has even badmouthed you to them..which emboldens them to make these crass and inappropriate comments to you and have all these photos hanging around where you can see them. The REAL issue here is your boyfriend and his passive aggressive disrespect for you. This guy is a loser. No decent partner would ever allow family members to keep bringing up exs.

[Oasis_Fan]

You have to ignore them. They are either just insensetive, oblivious, or are an open family who think you are ok with stuff like that.

 

All you can do is try to stay away from them as much as possible without being rude and remember its not your bf doing this its them. Hes with you and loves you and his past is his past.

 

 

Yeah I think they are really ignorant to me.

 

The weird thing is, I'm pretty sure they know how I feel about it. The other night, when his grandmother mentioned his ex's name she seen the look on my face. I was kind of upset. So then she went and 'explained' to me how that it's okay to like other ex's.

 

I also told his mother how I felt about this, nothing has happened from her since, but I still have my guard up because I'm always expecting to hear/see something that will hurt me.

 

My mom gave me similar advice. She said just "stay away until it stops. And when they ask my boyfriend why I don't come around anymore, he can tell them exactly why."

 

I know it's not his fault. I just think that if he were in my position and it was my family doing that to him, well I would sit down and have a talk with them and tell them that it's just not right and its not fair to do that. But he just won't because he thinks that I shouldn't be bothered by it.

[Oasis_Fan]

This statement alone tells me that it is time for you to get out of this relationship. His family is disrespecting you because your boyfriend is disrespecting you. It is quite possible he has not been singing your praises to his family and perhaps has even badmouthed you to them..which emboldens them to make these crass and inappropriate comments to you and have all these photos hanging around where you can see them. The REAL issue here is your boyfriend and his passive aggressive disrespect for you. This guy is a loser. No decent partner would ever allow family members to keep bringing up exs.

 

I know what you're saying but the funny thing is, he tells them he wants to marry me and everything. He never badmouths me. I'm actually really confused because there is no reason for me to be treated like this.

 

His grandfather loves me. He is completely different. He always stands up for me and he actually went around and burned all the pictures of my boyfriend's exs that were there. So far it's his mother, grandmother and sister that keeps doing this to me. I don't understand it. The worse part is, is that my boyfriend will refuse to do anything. We had a fight over it last night and I don't know how else to get through to him. He refuses to even understand.

[anggrace]

Wow, very insenstive of your boyfriend. Guess insensitivity runs in his family. There's no reason why he couldn't or shouldn't ask them to be a little more thoughtful about what they say to you. I was thinking saying something yourself might be a good idea, but the more I think about it, it sounds like they're the type of people who couldn't care less how you feel and might even get a kick out of knowing they're making you uncomfortable. Do you think this is the case? If so, I spend as little as time as possible with them. If your bf doesn't like it, too bad.

[Oasis_Fan]

Wow, very insenstive of your boyfriend. Guess insensitivity runs in his family. There's no reason why he couldn't or shouldn't ask them to be a little more thoughtful about what they say to you. I was thinking saying something yourself might be a good idea, but the more I think about it, it sounds like they're the type of people who couldn't care less how you feel and might even get a kick out of knowing they're making you uncomfortable. Do you think this is the case? If so, I spend as little as time as possible with them. If your bf doesn't like it, too bad.

 

Yes I have thought about that. If I told them how I felt, they might think there's something wrong with me when really it's them. They can be the type to always think that they're right and everyone else is wrong no matter what. My boyfriend can be like that too and it breaks my heart.

 

Actually, the way my boyfriend acts, he probably thinks there is something wrong with me. I don't know how to get through to this man. He needs to understand that their behavior isn't fair to me. Ugh, I'm so frusterated right now.

 

I agree with your advice. Maybe I'll start staying away from them completely until they have stopped 100% and that includes the pictures that make me want to cry my eyes out. I am trying to forget his past and move on but I can't like this.

[catfeeder]

[...] Last night his grandmother casually mentioned his ex. After a little awkwardness, she explained to me (in front of everyone) how sometimes when one of her sons broke up with a girl, she still liked them and that it was 'okay.' This really embarressed me. She made me feel like a freak in front of everyone.

 

Embarrased? Why? That's an extremely fragile position you're choosing. Why couldn't the woman have been telling you that she's proud of remaining gracious toward her son's exes, and why can't this mean she's interested in forming her own closeness with you--above and beyond her acceptance of you for the sake of her kin?

 

[...]His mother had pictures lying on the table once of his ex-fiance and my boyfriend grabbing each other a** and kissing. And pics of his ex-fiance's son. I shouldn't have seen it. My mother would never do that to him. Really, I don't get it. I think it's ignorant. She also talked about them casually and mentioned how nice they were, etc. Not to mention the framed pics of them and the pics she has on facebook of them.

 

You're choosing an awfully harsh position against a woman who could someday be your mother in-law. Are you sure you want to go there?

 

Then there was the time when his sister told me about the time her friend (another ex) said that his c**k was this big. (And she held her hands so far apart.)

 

Tacky, but how is that an insult to you?

 

Seriously, I feel like I'm being torn apart. My family never says/shows him anything to hurt him and when I try to talk to him about it, he ignores me and says there's nothing he can do. I can't take this bull anymore. I don't think it's right. It's horrible to be reminded about girls he used to be with. I'm having issues and I really want to move on. Any advice?

 

Consider that it buys you nothing but insecurity, drama and misery to assume the position that BF's family is trying to hurt you. If there could be even a speck of benefit to you in doing so, I'd support you in that--so this isn't some kind of finger wag to make you 'wrong'. This is a suggestion to perceive and behave in ways that are practical and in your own best interests if you want to stay with this BF over the long haul.

 

To be honest, I think your defensive and dramatic interpretation of BF's family is harmful to your relationship. Unless you intend to break up with BF, what's in it for you to try to seek evidence against his family? If you want a good relationship with this man, you owe it to yourself to put a healthy spin on anything and everything you possibly can regarding these people. If you find it impossible to do that, then you're stepping into a role that pits BF against his own family--and if you're not careful, you will lose.

 

Mementos of shared experiences with BF and his ex can be interpreted as a family that adopts BF's choice of a woman as their own and enjoys posting happy reminders for themselves. The fact that they don't trash these things quickly can mean that they develop their own feelings for people independent of son's or grandson's or brother's choices.

 

You can opt to see this family as good natured and welcoming, or you can decide that their sentimental objects must somehow symbolize an adversarial position toward you--that's your private coin to flip. I would just weigh carefully what either position buys you before making that choice.

[Oasis_Fan]

Dramatic? No, actually I am leaving out a lot of the worse things they felt the need to share with me. I think I am making them look nicer than what they were to me in this area.

 

My family have different beliefs than this. They think an ex is an X for a reason. They are not meant to be brought up and talked about and bragged about, ect. This hurts the new SO and also hurts the person that is trying to move on from them.

 

I really disagree with your post. I know in my heart they are not being right to me. I need to know how to help solve this problem and I need to figure out a way to get through to the man I love before our relationship goes to s*** over something I can't control.

 

If my mother brought up my last relationship of 2 years, I would be so unhappy with her. I just wouldn't want to hear it. I want to let that go and move on. And I definitely wouldn't want my bf to hear it because I don't want him to get hurt.

 

As for what his sister said, yes it is an insult to me because she was talking about some girl who f***ed him. So yeah it hurt really bad.

[catfeeder]

[...]My family have different beliefs than this. They think an ex is an X for a reason. They are not meant to be brought up and talked about and bragged about, ect. This hurts the new SO and also hurts the person that is trying to move on from them.

 

I agree with your family. But I'm not part of BF's family, so what good does that do you? This isn't about being 'right' it's about navigating into a decent or at least livable relationship with you BF's family. If you won't consider ways to minimize the problem instead of starting a war, how can you expect to accomplish this long-range goal?

 

I really disagree with your post. I know in my heart they are not being right to me. I need to know how to help solve this problem and I need to figure out a way to get through to the man I love before our relationship goes to s*** over something I can't control.

 

You're right, you can't control these people. You can't control BF, either. That was the entire point of my post, because the one thing you can control is your own perceptions. You're in charge of whether you opt to minimize or inflate the importance of what these people say and do. You're also in charge of whether you'll position yourself to become another one of BF's historic exes by trying to pit him against his own family.

 

Think about it: what, exactly, do you want him to DO about these people? If he goes back to them and asks them to pipe down with the ex talk, you are automatic toast with them. For good.

 

Is that what you really want? Will that make your relationship better?

 

My post discusses alternative ways you 'can decide to' interpret their behavior in order to make tolerating them easier on yourself, not harder. If you want to pit yourself as an enemy of this family, and you expect BF to go along with that, you've got one awfully huge and difficult mountain to climb. If you'd rather reduce the size of the thing for your own benefit and allow your own positive mental spin on their actions to carry you through ice-breaker territory, you can choose to do that, too.

 

If you want a war, you can start a war, but the biggest casualty of that option could be YOU.

[geekgirl4]

Besides talking about exes, how does his family treat you? Do they treat you like you're part of their family? Are you welcomed in their home? Are they kind to you?

 

If they are are welcoming to you and treat you well, my opinion is also along the lines of catfeeder in terms of how comfortable and free your bf's family is about talking about romantic pasts. Some families are super open and have no qualms about talking about how their son wet his bed till 12 years old and whatnot. How they talk about private things may not be how your family is and what you are accustomed to, which is why you can either learn to take what they say in a different perspective or forgo ever being in their presence again (which can be dangerous if you are in it for the long run, i.e. marriage).

 

I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling terrible when they bring up exes, what I'm highlighting is that you can't talk down on them for having a different level of openness. What you should be focusing on is whether you are willing to be with your bf and his open family or you can look for someone who has a tighter rein on his private life with his family. What you shouldn't be focusing on is how wrong his family is for talking about his exes. If this is bothering you and you honestly can't see any way that this will improve, then I suggest you count your losses and move on.

[Oasis_Fan]

It will always hurt me and that will never change. But they know it hurts me so I don't understand why they are doing it. I think I will just try and keep my distance.

 

Yes they do treat me like their family. They think a lot over me. I think they are just oblivious. I will be nice to them and everything but I can't really put myself in the position to be hurt all the time either.