OMG I feel even worse.....

[luv2bfit]

I feel even worse now.. For those who offerred input in my thread "why could he be stalling" in regards to my bf not yet proposing. I haven't talked to him in a long time about it but it has been bothering me more as each month passes with all talk and still no action. We went on a trip to Vegas last month and I felt like he was going to propose. People that know me even brought it up that this could be it, almost like they had a feeling too... It got false hopes in my head and I felt a little disappointed when we returned but I didn't say anything. As I mentioned in my thread, my bf has been rubbing my ring finger since December 2009 and even told me then he had started looking at rings.. I moved in around this time, feeling like it was safe to do so. I had discussed that moving in with someone was a huge deal to me and I only hoped to do that if someone saw a real future with me.. Engagement/marriage etc. We seemed on the same page completely and he agreed. After I moved in he has carried on talking about engagement, rubbing my finger, etc. like since the beginning of this year and by March-April he even started looking at houses. He already owns a house (I live with him) yet he wants to buy something newer, nicer area for raising a family etc. I entertained it for awhile as I thought it was just harmless looking around, but I did mention to him that it seemed a bit pre-mature to be looking at houses together when we aren't even engaged yet. We had only been together almost a year by this time. I said it was a lot for me to worry about as I just was getting settled into his house and worrying about moving again is a bit much. He agreed and dropped it for awhile.. After the year mark, he started talking again about houses, maybe buying a house with an in-law suite for his parents to live in with us and asked my thoughts on these items. Again, I stated it was pre-mature to be discussing any of this! His parents while they liked the idea, even agreed we should be more established first!

He still talked about engagement and even hinted that if I looked at his cell phone I'd know how much he wanted a future with me.

So I peeked one day and saw the # of a jeweller. So ok felt nice to see he was at least looking at rings like he said he was back in December. I let it be.

Another 2 months rolled by, we talked about a trip to Vegas. I had been to Vegas twice in 2009 with girlfriends and didn't have a ton of extra money to spend on another trip but he insisted we go and just have fun, forget about the house thing and I could pay him back afterwards. It got me thinking.. hmm he really wants to go! Maybe he IS going to propose? A few people close to me also said OMG maybe he's going to propose... It just seemed right.

Well nothing. We came back and I didn't bring it up, but I was a bit disappointed. But I let it be and carried on..

We had been fighting a bit recently... Nothing major just more argumentitive than we have normally been... I ask him what's wrong he says nothing, just that with his shoulder injury he can't lift weights and he misses the gym. I tell him lets go running, walking, other activities to keep you active in the meantime until he sees his doctor.

In the last month or so, again more ring finger rubbing, talks of houses, changing my address, etc. but nothing. The on "edge" feeling I get from him is making me nervous about things (maybe it was in my head) I don't know, just didn't feel as happy vibes as before. Icing on the cake was a female friend of his he has known for 10 years starts emailing him and he doesn't even mention me. I had to bring it up and he defended himself saying they barely talk (which is true) and not in much detail. He finally writes her and mentions me in a little more detail. She apparently knew he had a girlfriend, but had no idea we've been living together for the past 8 months. Ok no biggie, just fed my insecurity about things not progressing.

Finally I bring up a talk last night about things, beating around the bush looking for encouragement about engagement/future together. At first he was great about it and said just be positive and I assure you will be happy with the results... I left it.

Later on another argument (unrelated) and it sparks anger and he blabs out that ofcourse he wants future and why would he spent $6000 on a ring that is sitting in his safe right now.

I was shocked completely... After our talk, I was ok with the "stay positive" comment.. But still yes I was feeling man all I hear is talk talk talk...... Obviously when you live with someone, intertwine your life with them completely and think engagement is coming its a bit discouraging when it doesn't. Sometimes you just need to vent, or have your significant other discuss maybe WHY they are taking abit longer. NOTHING... he has not said one word about when he thinks this could happen and I feel like I've been having a carrot dangled in my face for 8 months and not to mention walking on egg shells.

 

He retaliated with "why can't you just be patient and let things happen" and "why does there have to be a timeline".. "Many girls would be content just living with a great guy in a great relationship".. etc... I was like OMG All I'm saying is there doesn't have to be a timeline set, but COMMUNICATION is fair is it not?????? I never brought things up in a direct way before because I did NOT want to appear like I was pressuring him.. Instead, I acted sucky and all I wanted was positive feedback in return to make me feel better and remind me to just be patient. And there ARE many women who are in this situation, some go through it even longer. It hurts. All people want is communication sometimes so they can feel better about the direction of their life. He doesn't realize that MANY men promise these things without ever doing them. It's hard, especially when you're living in someone else's territory and you've given up some of your freedom/indentity to be more committed to a serious relationship.

 

UGH We cuddled this morning and he's been loving and positive today but what an emotional roller coaster I feel horrible for bringing up how I feel and don't want to discuss it ever again

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think your boyfriend is being rather cruel by constantly giving you hints which he knows full well you will take seriously, but then not acting. If he is not ready to get married yet that is fine..but he should be keeping his mouth shut and not say and do things that he knows would get you thinking and hopeful.

[FreedomRing]

 

Later on another argument (unrelated) and it sparks anger and he blabs out that ofcourse he wants future and why would he spent $6000 on a ring that is sitting in his safe right now.I was shocked completely... After our QUOTE]

 

 

Wait - I don't understand. So he DOES have a ring for you? What is he referring to here?

[savagegirl]

Yikes, I don't really know what to say on this one. I can't believe he blurted it out but you must have really been pressuring him. Now what, I have no idea. That just plain sucks! I wonder what he is waiting for and why he hasn't asked you yet if he has the ring? When my fiance bought my ring, he proposed to me the next day, he just couldn't wait any longer.

He shouldn't have talked about it as much as he did but he's obviously wanting to spend his life with you and just waiting for the right moment whenever that may be. I wouldn't bring it up at all now, no engagement talk whatsoever until he pops the question.

[metrogirl]

Maybe he is just waiting for a special day to do this.....

 

your birthday, your anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas.......

[FreedomRing]

So now you're left with wondering when he DOES do it, will it be when HE was sincerely ready or bc he blurted it out and felt he had to do it soon since you already knew he had it in his possession.

 

Are you supposed to be assured now, since he disclosed that he bought it? Do you feel reassured? The surprise element is kinda ruined now...

[luv2bfit]

What an emotional mess When I brought it up originally it was more hints, just kind of seeing where he is at.. Once he responded with "just be patient and I assure you will be more than happy" And I was content and sorry I'm being silly I just needed that reassurance. Later when we talked again and the argument started (nothing related to engagement) that's when he got angry and told me if I didn't like it to leave then! I was soo upset and considering what I felt earlier this comment was totally offside and I got upset and left the room, that's when he blurted out that he bought the ring already and it was in his safe. We weren't even arguing about that He must have been bottling it up from earlier discussion.

I just told him it HAS been very difficult to talk so much about engagement and month after month nothing. Then talking about houses over and over, I've been vocal about wanting these talks to chill out until we are engaged because it's not the appropriate time yet.

So *sigh* I just have to stay quiet and no more talks... I tried SO hard to not say a word, and I haven't since April some time. The Vegas trip was hard, but I didn't say a thing. I've had a few moments where I almost cracked but kept silent. It's been like a boiling pot inside of me for months.

He says that if I had of come right out and said "When do you see us getting engaged by>?" he would have answered me. I don't buy that... To me that is even more pressure than how I did things... I hinted just looking for reassurance, not even a time frame!!

[astromantic]

I feel you... I'm in a similar situation. The boyfriend talking about the future, me eventually moving in, potentially going ring shopping, rubbing the ring finger whole she-bang. Before our one year mark when he made comments about us married in the future I finally broke down and told him to stop talking about such things. I find a lot of men really don't understand that particularly for marriage-minded women, they really shouldn't throw out such comments or to talk out their fantasies. He insisted he wasn't entertaining the idea and that he really wants it to come true. However, unlike you I've stood my ground and told him under no circumstance would I move in with him before marriage. I find your bf's comment about how girls would be happy just to live with a great guy offensive. Maybe for some women, yes but obviously you and I are not.

 

Anyways, I don't have much advice other than to stay quiet for now. I've been biting my tongue that's for sure. My bf's suggestion to take me ring shopping has never materialized and my birthday is coming up. I do want to thank you for you sharing your story because I feel reading this I've learned something. That is to keep my expectations very low for this birthday weekend...

[luv2bfit]

I just want to crawl into a hole right now... I'm so upset and nothing about the conversation with him has made me feel any better.. It actually makes me feel worse, he HAD the ring the entire time? Or has had it for a few months or days or what? That makes it even worse... So I WAS picking up on his hints/clues/feelings that it was something he was thinking about.. So obviously when it doesn't happen I feel what's up? Is he getting cold feet? I KNEW something was so close I could taste it... which with each passing month made me feel worse. He hinted WAY too much. Like others said, why not just just keep quiet until he WAS ready? He even TOOK me into jewellery stores I walked right past them and didn't even go in once. He pulled me in a few months ago and said "That's the style you like right?"..

This should be a happy time, I feel completely aweful and feel like my emotions have been completely played with.

I also feel like I'm completely afraid of ever hoping, wishing, expecting anything ever again

[FreedomRing]

I know you don't want to bring it up anymore, but i think communication is key here. Engagement is usually a special time in both ppl's lives....this has turned into something where you're STILL walking on eggshells... It's about you not feeling as though you could communicate your feelings to him and have him give reassurance, but i guess he thought he was giving reassurance. Sure he could propose tonight but the issue surrounding this topic could definitely resurface, and you would want to cover all of this before you do get married.

[luv2bfit]

This is an aweful feeling.. Not a happy time that's for sure.. Can I ask what would everyone else do if you were in my shoes?

-Just continue on as usual and don't say a word and just hope he proposes soon, in 6 months? in a year?

 

-Or communicate with him on a time frame we are both comfortable with, say by next year spring time we would like to be engaged?

 

-Or should I take a step back and move out of his place (my family lives not even 10min away) and continue the relationship, stay over a few times a week, etc. But step back until we are ready to step forward (engagement).

 

??

[tattoobunnie]

Hahahhaha...this reminds me of my bestfriend who complained for months and months to me (driving me batty, cuz I knew her now husband was going to propose)...he had the ring months before he proposed. The problem was, he kept trying to get the date right...someone died, someone got broken up, needed parents permission, had to get the ring fixed ---this took months and months to sort out.

 

It was so hard for me to take her seriously, which pissed her off so much! We'd fight and fight about it, cuz I couldn't bring myself to whine about her now husband too (call him names, cuz I knew what was coming). It had to be a surprise. And there was no way I was gonna say what was going on.

 

She even once asked me about it, and he yelled at her and said, "I'm not ready! Quit asking me about it" just to throw her off.

 

I think you should pull the wool over him, and completely stop asking (period). Throw him for a loop, and just fixate on other things, like work and friends...just know, a man is not gonna taunt you this bad, and tell you he's been checking out jewelers, look for a house, etc. if he isn't planning to ask eventually. I guarantee he's also seeing if you change while living together, which you kind of are.

 

Oh, another story...my lil bro and his now wife...he tortured her for months too before proposing.

 

Telling ya, don't sweat it.

[luv2bfit]

I really hope you're right tattoobunnie... If so, I can chalk this up as another life lesson.. NO MORE moving in with guys. I did it with my relationship before this one, difference was he proposed 5 months in, but turned out to be VERY controlling and eventually abusive. I told myself I would not rush my next relationship.. So when I met my bf I kept my space, my independance, did the sleepover thing but told him I wasn't ready to move in. Continued on for 8-9 months until I cracked.. I stayed over more & more, finally moved in. Unfortunitely my current has proposed, but as shown is dangling that carrot and now that some issues are coming to surface in the relationship I'm scared I'm setting myself up for failure again. I am not comfortable with living with someone/putting your own life interwined with theirs unless you know it has lasting power and plans for the future.

Lesson learnt: I will never move in with another guy UNTIL I have been with them a good amount of time AND the ring is on the finger.

 

Cause I couldn't even tell you what's worse, being engaged to someone who wants future/kids now, but is controlling and I felt trapped... or being with someone you love who won't fully commit to you but you DO want a future with them.

[tattoobunnie]

This is an aweful feeling.. Not a happy time that's for sure.. Can I ask what would everyone else do if you were in my shoes?

-Just continue on as usual and don't say a word and just hope he proposes soon, in 6 months? in a year?

 

-Or communicate with him on a time frame we are both comfortable with, say by next year spring time we would like to be engaged?

 

-Or should I take a step back and move out of his place (my family lives not even 10min away) and continue the relationship, stay over a few times a week, etc. But step back until we are ready to step forward (engagement).

 

??

 

I think you should just trust him, and I mean trust what he says and let it happen. Give yourself a mental deadline, let's say, 6 months, and then bring it up. You both have spoken of it plenty of times before, and he has heard you clearly.

 

I know how you feel. You move in under the impression it's gonna happen, and you wait, and wait, till you obsess over it. You grew up with the belief you don't move in until you're engaged, getting married...so you add more pressure, trust me...he will propose.

 

So treat things of up until that day, like it's your last few months of singledom...what would you do? Vacay and party it up. Have fun with your man! Friends! Hobbies!

 

Cuz once you do get hitched, it's all bills, babies, and making choices for two, for the REST of your life!

 

And I guarantee once you let go of that anxiety...he'll be like, why isn't she bugging me about it, and expedite the asking...if he hasn't already planned a day for it yet.

[tattoobunnie]

Take a deep breath...and think of it this way. Do you want him to propose now and soon as possible because you moved in, and don't wanna feel like you were duped because he didn't. And that you don't want to feel vulnerable, like things won't work out, and you have to move out?

 

Or do you want him to propose in his own time, and way, because he's so flat out awesome, and you can't wait to pay a giant chunk of dough to have a wedding to announce to the world, you both are a duo?!

 

You really need to get your mind off of this, and start getting a bigger problem (a good thing)...career, life goals (other than marriage), savings, health, personal, saving the world...

 

And if he tries to dangle the carrot...add a air of mystery to yourself, and just reply back, "cool, or that's nice" and change the subject. It will drive him crazy. In a good way.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Luv2bfit, you need to chill. I remember your past posts. This guy is a perfectionist. He's OCD. He's in law enforcement and tends to be protective and feels more comfortable when he's in charge. Right now, I think your OCD is showing!

 

I'm sure he does already have a ring. And I'm sure it's perfect. I'm also sure he's already been making plans on a date and place to propose, and a date for the wedding, and a venue for the wedding, and the guest list, and the color of your garter...and there's not a doubt in the world it will all be perfect.

 

You need to find a way to let this go. Concentrate (or, okay, obsess) on other things. Do whatever it takes. It sounds like you have a really good thing going here. But if you keep this up, you're going to ruin it.

[luv2bfit]

But I have been keeping busy, I'm actually training for a fitness show. I spend 5 days in the gym 2 hours a day plus I work full time.. I play volleyball 1 day a week and I try and fit my friend time in there too! I've been doing this training since April and I feel that's when we've started arguing more... Not arguing because I'm at the gym so much, but just generally not feeling close. We might have an hour before bed a few times per week together, or the odd day on the weekend. It's been hard on us.. He seems supportive on one hand, but resentful on another.

I'm exhausted everyday from work and training, but every night before bed I would be willing to have sex if he wanted to.. It doesn't usually happen. We might have sex once a week.. Our schedules just don't allow for more. He works shifts and I work full-time days and train 5-6 days per week.

That probably doesn't help the situation.. And neither does the fact that my best friend is younger than I am (not seriously committed) she often wants to go to bars when we have a girl's night. My bf does not approve of bars.. He says as long as I don't go frequently then he will accept it. Yet I feel controlled that I have to monitor how many times I go so that it doesn't exceed "a reasonable" amount. I have cut it back drastically since we first started dating and when I do go out with her for some dancing I DRIVE and I DONT drink.. I'm training for my show, I don't want to drink. I'm ok with going dancing and having a glass of ice water, that's just me.

He harps on me sometimes that "why do I have to go in that environment" or "don't you have other close friends you can do more mature things with"... etc.

It's really really tiresome trying to balance all of this... I'm just feeling an overwhelming amount of pressure and for some reason I should be frowning upon engagement as I'm not 100% sure he's being reasonable with his expectations and things have been kind of icky lately... But instead, it's almost like he has me wanting it more & more.

Oh I forgot the kicker last night... After all these talks and general talks about our relationship I also got thrown in there that he doesn't think I do enough around the house.. I don't clean much... And when I defended myself saying I have too much on my plate, that on the weekend if we're home and he's in a cleaning mood, ask me to join and I will happily help. His response was "I shouldn't have to ask.. And it shouldn't have to be with me, you could do it on your own as well".

OMG ..... Kick me when I'm down...

[luv2bfit]

I really really appreciate you guys for giving me advise and hearing me out... I really do, I don't even want to tell anyone close to me about all this right now cause I'm confused and hurting.

[savagegirl]

Are you really seriously sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him? I mean it sounds like you are really starting to get to know the real him, and honeymoon phase is wearing off. It's been 15 months now, so this will be the time when your true colours and his true colours will be showing. After reading your last post, I really do think you both shouldn't be rushing into an engagement, which it seems you both have done in the past. I think you really need to be true to yourself right now, and make sure that this is really what you want. Don't look at it as the fact that you are 28 and not married yet, look at it as is he honestly truly the right guy for you, and can you see yourself with him forever without a doubt in your mind? Can you? He seems contolling to say the least, and honey it won't get any better once you are his wife. If anything it will get worse.

[luv2bfit]

Ohh Yikes SavageGirl, I didn't even think about that in depth until I re-read everything and thought deep down about why I'm feeling a certain way. It's actually true that I have noticed a change in him in the last few months... I wasn't sure what that meant... Was it stress of him actually going through with buying a ring, was it me training for this fitness show, etc. Or worse, I thought maybe he wasn't happy in the relationship and that's why it wasn't moving forward (in my eyes). Our sex life has slowed down substancially and we argue more. He seems more critical just about everything, right down to house chores or me going out with a friend. At first it was when I was going out and leaving him at home alone, then it became a few comments about me going out even when he was unavailable and working a night shift. He has caused quite a few arguements about very petty things in my opinion and the last few months I have been unhappy. I think I focused on the engagement too much because it was being talked about so frequently.... Then when it wasn't happening I think I was so consumed on omg why isn't he proposing is he not happy? That maybe I haven't realized I'M the one not happy...... I'm noticing some big changes in his personality... I've seen quite a few signs of anger and just general small controlling behaviours. I really do need to step back and take a good look at everything.... Maybe he realizes that I'm noticing these differences in his attitude (Cause I have brought it up a handful of times) saying he seems in a bad mood, or unhappy, or critical, argumentitive... And I asked what was bothering him, if it was something he wanted to talk about? He never said anything, except blamed it on his shoulder injury and not being able to workout like he used to. So I left it alone, even though I know he hasn't been the same lately.

[savagegirl]

Well I would just give it some more time. Maybe he is aggravated by his injury and it's leaving him grumpy and upset and taking it out on you a bit. I wouldn't go moving out or anything drastic yet, but I would wait and see how the relationship progresses. If he does propose soon, make sure you know that this is what you want!

[FreedomRing]

Uhhh...s'cuse me? I agree with Savage. You REALLLLYYYYYY need to throw the "i'm 28 and should be getting engaged/married" thing out the window, and really take a look at your happiness IN this relationship.

 

Such controlling behavior here. He will MOST DEFINITELY be this controlling and might even take it up a notch if you do get married. Sounds horrible...you're a grown woman, not his child.

 

You would really want to examine your communication and compromising skills since you are cohabitating now. Have you brought up why he's not interested in having sex? Were there household discussions/agreements prior to you moving in? These types of things have to be discussed...so many couples get caught up in just wanting to be together 24/7 by living together, that the real issues,that should come up when deciding to cohabitate, often are not even mentioned. I could see how that would be happening now, if you just kinda slowly started spending more and more time there, until your totally living there as opposed to an actual move-in date with a discussion.

 

Time to re-evalute things hun......

[luv2bfit]

Thank you for the advice.. I am going to just relax and not bring it up and see what happens. I told him that my frustration was that he has been way too vocal for too long about this with no action and it is stressful and unfair. I said that I felt (and from experience- as I was engaged before) you have a talk about if you see that in your future, if both agree you may discuss at some point ring style/preference. etc and that's IT.... When the man is ready he buys the item and asks the woman. I don't feel there needs to be constant talk, rubbing fingers for 7 months straight.. That seems completely excessive. I said for example, if I wanted to surprise him with tickets to a sports event, I might ask what his fav is and that's it.. I'd go buy the tickets and surprise him one day. I wouldn't talk and hint and put sports magazines on the table for 7 months straight to remind him of what I was doing. I know that's not a fair comparison LOL... but he got my drift.

I told him why on earth would YOU pull me into a jewellery store a few months ago to RE-ASK me again what I liked? I had already showed him a picture like 5-6 months ago what I liked as for style. Or telling me last December he was looking at rings? His answer was that he just wanted me to KNOW how serious he was about future... I said, all you would have said is that I forsee us being engaged and that's what I want in the future.. NOT telling me he's looking at rings. Cause here I am thinking, he has been looking at rings since December, knew what style I wanted then.. 6 months later still looking at rings, bringing me into stores to ask my opinion AGAIN? My goodness, if he's that unsure he should have asked me to pick it out with him and buy it right there on the spot.

I told him to cool it on the talk, we love each other, want future together and all the same things out of life.. He doesn't need to rub my finger anymore, talk about houses/kids... Just enjoy life with me, be happy and when the time is ready it will happen. He's made it a very axious process for me and it shouldn't be.

[Batya33]

So much focus on the ring here it makes my head spin just to read this. You live with him, yes? Why haven't you proposed to him if that is what you want? Why are you choosing to experience this anxiety, this rollercoaster with someone you already live with and know you want to marry? So much of your post is about talking about the ring/ring selection/ring fingers/ring concealment in a safe. It's not about dangling carrots or about carats. I agree that it's important to have a ring and a wedding date to be officially engaged. But you can get engaged with a piece of string to stand in for a ring until you have one if you really want to follow tradition (a friend of mine did this).

[luv2bfit]

I do agree, I have brought up these issues to him.. And said basically that he is acting controlling by asking me to cut back on my social time or rather "WHERE" I chose to have social time. I already agreed that me going dancing at a bar, or sitting down for a drink at a pub doesn't need to happen ALL the time.. Especially if he's available on the weekend I would rather spend time with him. But on occasion, or most definitely when he's working night shift I CAN and should go as often as I want. He just thinks there are more positive environments that I should be going to and he says his parent's agreed with him, etc. I stood my ground and said I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I'm not doing any harm by going there on MY time. So he seems to be backing down and saying fine.. The last few times I went with my girlfriend he didn't say anything.

The house chores I said the EXACT same thing.. COMMUNICATE.... Everyone has different styles and perceptions of what is clean/tidy. You may feel the house needs to be cleaned once per month, I may feel it's spotless and once every 3 months is fine, with small maintainance in between. I also said TALK about it and we can decide what works for us.