How do you enjoy/accept being SINGLE?

[25something]

Its been such a beautiful and sunny summer this year and I'm starting to feel a bit down. I've been single for almost 3 years now and I'm having such a hard time accepting this singlehood.

My family is annoyed with me always being around them, they're all wondering why I'm still single.

My friends have all moved on gotten married, bfs, etc...

I've joined groups, clubs, schools etc... You name it I have done and kept myself occupied so please don't suggest activities b/c I have been doing it for three years now.

I've always been a loner most of my life, so I guess that affects me in a way too. It doesn't help when my family and friends and people around me are all couples. It also doesn't help when they're all mean and leave me out just because I'm single.

Being single shouldn't be so bad, but I feel like I just want to be with a great person. For the past few days I've been really down, and would like some encouragement of this singlehood journey that is forever never ending. Thank you.

[LightbulbSun]

I've always been single, and I guess I just accept it. I could meet the love of my life tomorrow, but then again, I could not. I'm not going to let it stop me from enjoying and living my life, though.

 

If you focus too much on being single, you'll be miserable when you finally get into a relationship. The key is being happy being alone.

[Stay_home]

I don't always like doing most of fun couple-like things by myself, but there really isn't any other way and I'm not about to miss out on life because I can't find the right 'one' to fit the bill. I just try to live to the best of my abilities and not sweat it too much. Some days are harder than others, but I know some days are better then no days at all; take my lumps and keep it moving.

[newwave]

I've learned to accept I might be single the rest of my life, so I find things to do by myself, such as working out, watching DVDs, listening to music and reading.

[Esteller]

you know i been friends with my best friend forever.. and he has been a loner for a long time. i never thought he would end up dating anyone but as he was going to college he meet someone and she liked him for who he is and ditto so i think you will find someone or someone will actually find you. keep you head up high! things will always be alright.

[WockaWocka]

25something, you're too young to throw in the towel. Even at the ripe old age of 32 I have to remind myself it could still happen. I've had a series of FWB while I've been in grad school these past few years, but it's difficult when so many friends are already married (like you). But in a few years some might be divorced anyway (half joking but it's somewhat true).

 

Have you heard of "quirkyalone"? It's a movement/forum for people who are perpetual loners and who don't often seek conventional relationships. I've found it helpful.

 

In general as depressing as it is at times to be single, I find it helpful to think about the freedoms (travel, mobility, etc). And to think about how much more depressing it would be to be stuck in a mediocre relationship out of fear of being single.

[waveseer]

It took a long time and putting in a fair amount of effort to finally be comfortable with myself by myself. Not only did I have to find the things that made me happy to do, but I also had to seek help for the things inside me that drove me crazy.

[MikNomis]

Don't worry, 3 years of no relationship is definitely not any indication of the future. It's all about how you feel about yourself and how you display how you feel about yourself. I myself have never had a relationship since 7th grade and got into one in junior year of college and am currently happy.

 

Try not to get discouraged. Just make sure that you play your cards right. If you have questions just ask.

[stalked]

I really know how you feel on this one. I'm not so much afraid to be alone, I just don't understand how I'm supposed to be ok with it. I've only been single for 3 months now. I was single for almost 3 yrs the last time, and am pretty sure that I got into a relationship that wasn't good simply because I was grasping at anything at the time.

 

I don't find it easy to make friends at all, never mind find women to go on dates with. I may very well be single for the rest of my life, as someone else said on this thread. That's a pretty depressing thought.

 

Some days are harder than others, but I know some days are better then no days at all; take my lumps and keep it moving.

 

I think the above quote sums up my attitude pretty well, I do have great days and very happy times in my life. Maybe not every day, but does anyone?

Would those great days have been greater if I'd had a partner? would there be more great days if I had a partner? I don't know, I just try to enjoy the good things when they come around..

[RelaxByWater84]

I've learned to accept the fact that I have a lot of interests that hardly anyone my age has. I do those because I enjoy them. I would rather go to a battlefield alone rather than hear someone complain that they are on some dumb battlefield. It would be nice to find someone who appreciates things such as that.

 

What are some of your strengths/interests?

[easyguy]

Just because your friends are getting married in their mid-20s doesn't mean you should , too. Besides , marriage shouldn't be rushed. It's something to celebrate , but everyone is at different stages of their life path. And even moreso , we can't predetermine such things when we meet someone. The whole point of dating is to meet someone who stimulates us (mentally, emotionally, sexually) and who we share ourselves with , but both people have to be on the same page , too. If one isn't thinking about a relationship and the other is , then there is a problem. Or if there are vastly different life plans or values. But no one is to blame , it's just the way things go. If people could have signs above their heads saying "LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, SEEKING APPLICANTS!", it'd be a different way of life.

 

One practice I'm trying to instill in my life is accepting the flow of life and not letting being single have significant bearing on my identity and definition as a person. So what , I'm single. So are a lot of people. It's a status. Relationships and dates come and go , more often for some people than others. But it's so important to not let it get under your skin. This girl I went to college with , she recently met someone and they are in love. I had a crush on this girl for a while , but even so , turned the negative into a positive by telling her with genuine feeling , "I'm happy for you."

 

People are complicated. Dating can be frustrating , but you just have to be happy with yourself and radiate your joys to the world and persist in your desires to get what you want and surely something amazing will happen in due time. Though I don't have an answer for you , I can say that you aren't alone. Being single can be lame , but it can also be the time to dive into the depths of oneself and replenish the source within so to have lots in store when you do meet someone.

[easyguy]

I've also learned that it is best to come from a place of self-love and self-confidence before thinking about venturing into emotional and intimate territory.

[25something]

25something, you're too young to throw in the towel. Even at the ripe old age of 32 I have to remind myself it could still happen. I've had a series of FWB while I've been in grad school these past few years, but it's difficult when so many friends are already married (like you). But in a few years some might be divorced anyway (half joking but it's somewhat true).

 

Have you heard of "quirkyalone"? It's a movement/forum for people who are perpetual loners and who don't often seek conventional relationships. I've found it helpful.

 

In general as depressing as it is at times to be single, I find it helpful to think about the freedoms (travel, mobility, etc). And to think about how much more depressing it would be to be stuck in a mediocre relationship out of fear of being single.

 

Hmm I checked out quickyalone and it seems like a website I would probably join. I was reading through some of the stuff on there and it was quite interesting. Thanks.

 

Yeah I know that I'm still young and I have so much to look forward to then sit around and worry about something I cannot control. I would totally agree with you about being single, than to be stuck with a mediocre relationship, I guess that is one of the reasons why I'm still single because although I have met some down to earth people, they were not my type and I refuse to settle for just anything.

[FairyLuvMother]

Theres someone for everyone out there..

 

I have seen it all in my experience, people often have gotten married to ex boyfriends from high school, there siblings friends, there best friends and in some cases their old enemies!

 

Love is a confusing thing.. when you are looking for it you will not find it.. but give it time and it will find you!

 

Yor 25.. enjoy single life.. cus once your married you have too make sacrafices.

 

keep me posted.

 

The Fairy Luv Mother

x

[psychoanalytical]

The great thing about single is that you have heaps of time, and there's only yourself to focus on. There are a few options:

 

1. Start kicking ass in your job. Getting to work early. Leaving late. Planning the next step. Reaching high. Let your careless colleagues share your guilt because you're just totally showing them up. Let the workaholic in you out because, well, why not? Because when work's going well, life don't seem so bad.

 

2. Start saving. Whilst your friends in relationships are mindlessly living an unaffordable lifestyle and stressing their asses off behind walls, put your extra money in the bank. Money can't buy happiness, but hell, I know I'm pretty happy everytime I check my bank balance.

 

3. Doing things that you want to. Spend the whole night just chilling on the net? Read a novel if you felt like it? Write the EP which you've been putting off? Who knows, you may be the next J.K. Rowling. Don't forget to spend time working on the perfect body, because you never know when your next dream person would come along, and you'll be totally ready.

 

4. Make new friends. Meet new people. The great thing about being single, is that as much as the dating scene is the seller's market, you can use it to your advantage. When you get yourself in a good option, you won't have to go look for a girl/boyfriend. They'll be eyeing you up. Then you can feel like you've got the cards in your hands.

 

5. And just chill. My friend put it into perspectives for me once: Unless you're in a truly happy situation, single trumps unavailable anyday. And you'd be surprised at how many unhappy couples are out there in reality.

 

Bottom line: just enjoy yourself, and build enough trust capital so that people start thinking maybe they should have been dating you instead. That's when you'll really enjoy yourself.

 

And you know what the moral of this story is? You will do well in whatever you do, if you can turn a disadvantage into an advantage

[Batya33]

I am married with a toddler and I do all of those things listed above other than restrictions based on my job (which is full time mom, for now). I have slightly more time related restrictions than I did when I had an intense/workaholic career because my child goes to sleep at 8pm and my husband is rarely available to be home so I can go out (and most of the time I'm too tired) but only slightly more - I used to be on call 24/7 basically, just like I am now.

 

I don't like lists like the above because when I was single not too long ago (I was in the dating scene for almost 25 years, until I was in my late 30s and been married 1.5 years) I enjoyed my single life but didn't like to do the comparison game that involved pointing out the negatives of being in a relationship or "showing people up" or the rest of the express or implied negativity/cynicsm in that list. That just tends to eat away at your insides and take you away from your true self- builds that kind of negative/defensive shell that's a real turn off to many.

 

I knew deep down what I wanted in the not too distant future (especially after my early 30s) was marriage and family and pretending that there were downsides or focusing on the downsides was a short term bandaid. How I remained happily single was by having great friends, great activities and interests (volunteer work, book club, networking groups, community theater involvement, religious activities, the gym, and many many singles events, on line dating sites, etc), being financially secure, being as confident as possible and staying very healthy emotionally and physically. I never apologized for preferring to be in a couple, I often was in a relationship or working on a potential relationship, but I had real balance.

 

I don't miss being single - maybe sometimes I miss being able to go out to a movie or dinner - but not in any real way. Hope this helped.

[psychoanalytical]

For someone who doesn't like to compare, read your last sentence.

 

And, on the contrary, it doesn't eat me up inside. Why would I feel bad when I'm doing really well at work, when my finances are looking healthy, when I can do whatever whenever, and when I'm reaching the goals I'm going for? I mean, there is an important life lesson able being single and in life generally- never get despirate. Just think of it as time for self improvement so when you put yourself back on the market, you'll catch bigger fish.

[Batya33]

For someone who doesn't like to compare, read your last sentence.

 

And, on the contrary, it doesn't eat me up inside. Why would I feel bad when I'm doing really well at work, when my finances are looking healthy, when I can do whatever whenever, and when I'm reaching the goals I'm going for? I mean, there is an important life lesson able being single and in life generally- never get despirate. Just think of it as time for self improvement so when you put yourself back on the market, you'll catch bigger fish.

 

I was referring to your using negative reasons to enjoy being single - your focus on the downsides (as you see them) of coupledom. I find that perspective unhealthy. Nothing wrong with comparing, it's the manner in which you did the comparison that troubled me. Of course I miss going to the movies sometimes - I've only seen one in the theaters in the last 17 months - but I'm not looking at that negatively or saying to myself "oh yes but all those people who get to go to the movies probably get stomachaches and get fat from that awful movie popcorn that is so addictive!" That's the difference.

 

I agree with your post above - that's a positive way at looking at a life situation, for sure!

[newwave]

I agree with most comments, except the ones about being a workaholic. Seriously, I would never recommend this because not only will it hurt finding someone, it often doesn't pay off in the end. The company doesn't care if you work 70 hours if tyou are being paid for 40. Many companies will layoff who they want and doesn't matter whether you work 40 hours or 70. I know, I saw my former coworker (who was single and only live for work) get laid off while they kept people who worked 40 hours. Job should never take the place of a personal life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is nothing wrong with being a work-a-holic when you are unattached if this is what you really really enjoy doing...in other words, your work can also be considered your hobby. If you are working 70 hour instead of 40 thinking that will be your ticket to advancement and appreciation by the organization then working 70 hours is a waste of time and energy...however if you are working 70 hours because you love what you are doing, find it challenging and interesting, then that's okay as long as you make sure to have some other interests so that you don't become one-dimensional.

[bulletproof]

I've joined groups, clubs, schools etc... You name it I have done and kept myself occupied so please don't suggest activities b/c I have been doing it for three years now.

I've always been a loner most of my life, so I guess that affects me in a way too. It doesn't help when my family and friends and people around me are all couples. It also doesn't help when they're all mean and leave me out just because I'm single.

 

Here's the thing: if you are just going through the motions of joining clubs, taking classes, etc., then you will not find what you are looking for. When people suggest activities what they are really saying is find something that you are truly passionate about. What kind of life do you fantasize about living, outside of being in a relationship? Who do you admire? What got you really excited as a child? Are you working towards getting that feeling in your life? Because a partner may provide it temporarily, but eventually your lack of passion will catch up with you.

 

Saying you've been a loner most of your life suggests to me that you don't have a fun, healthy supportive group of friends. That would be a great thing to work on first. And common interests are a good way to make real friends.

 

I also think you're last paragraph (about people being mean and leaving you out) indicates a really negative mindset. That will definitely have to change before you see any results. About three years ago, I could have written your post, and I had to really adjust my attitude to see a significant difference in my life. But it does work.

[Minx2012]

The best thing to accept and love your singledom? TRAVEL. And I mean, travel far and wide. Throw yourself in a challenge - maybe even start looking for jobs abroad. Travel an living somewhere in a foreign country, can SERIOUSLY change your perspectives and personality. The world is SO BEAUTIFUL AND SO HUGE to want to stick around in the same social circle, doing the same social activities in the hopes of " finding someone ". You find someone when you least expect it.

 

You said that you are a bit of a " loner "...Loners tend to travel better than most people. If you can travel somewhere in this world, and find yourself before you find some other person to accompany you in your adventures, then all the power to you.

 

I have spent all my life ( from childhood to adulthood ), traveling around. Travel is the cure to a lot of things, for me, anyway. I suggest you try it

[25something]

Yeah, I've always liked traveling around in the states but I haven't quite traveled out of the country yet. I would probably do that as soon as I finish up school. I know for sure I would enjoy traveling =)

 

In a way I feel a little intimidated and scared to go traveling alone because I have never done it and I'm kind of paranoid to travel alone in fact MY past traveling experiences were with friends and family only....

 

Do you travel alot? Or I take it, you must have had traveled alone before? How was the experience?

[Minx2012]

I left my country of origin from the age of 4, because of my parents' occupations. They set up their business and medical practice in Europe. From age 4 - 14, I was in Europe. My family traveled a lot to different places like Africa, Northern Europe, Middle East and the Mediterrenean for family vacations ( but also the school that we attended had yearly vacations to the Mediterrenean countries ). From the age of 14 - 26, my family settled in N. America ( once more due to my parents' jobs ). My sibs and I were educated in N. American senior highschools and Universities. However, at the age of 26, I decided to find work abroad ( where I am living now, in Asia ). I am now 30 yrs old. I have been here for 4 years and loving it. During my time here, I have traveled to Oceania, Africa, Middle East, Europe etc. In fact, the only continent I haven't stepped in is S. America, and I need to go there one day.

 

I love traveling alone! As a 30 yr old woman, of course, there are some risks and the traveling experience is a lot more hard ( and that's being brutally honest )...BUT the rewards are huge. And yes, even when I am a seasoned traveler, I have some apprehensions and fears...but as long as I have my travel guide books, maps, and a basic grasp of the language, everything falls into place.

 

Usually when I travel, I do the following :

 

1) Pick a country from a globe ( seriously..just sitting down, looking at a globe and picking a country ).

 

2) Do around 1 - 2 months of research on it ( everything from culture, off the beaten path activities etc ).

 

3) Buy tickets at least 3 - 4 months before the departure date. This period of time allows me to research some more, get prepared ( e.g. work out / exercise extra harder if I know that the place I am going to requires a lot of physical activity in traveling - hiking, climbing mountains, running, cycling etc ).

 

4) Map out my itinerary ( I tend to go mid-level / budget and go to really off the beaten path places...because for me, travel is about seeing how culture works, how the locals live, adventurous activities etc...rather than focusing on high tourist areas and doing " touristy " sightseeing things )

 

5) Go and enjoy myself.

 

* P.S. I NEVER go on tour guides and big groups. I like to travel alone, with my boyfriend or my siblings. That's it. I don't even really travel with good, close female or male friends. If I do travel with close friends, not more than 4 in the group. *

[Leftright]

I've been single for over 8 years now, mostly by choice, so i'm on the same boat. It seems that there are alot of people also this boat I speak of. So maybe we should all start a club or something? lol

 

I think the key to enjoying the single is to just get out there and do the things you want to do by yourself. I know it seems like kind of a 'loner' thing to do, but it sure beats sitting around and moping about it. I try to keep myself busy by working on my car, partaking in many hobbies, writing/recording music, painting/drawing, reading, going to shows/concerts/movies. I find I can have a great time on my own. I had a hard time at first (especially the first 2 years) but as soon as i started to go out and do my own thing, there was nothing stopping me. I go to the movies at least once a week, and sometimes i even have a chat with someone there. I have friends too whom I get together with every so often. (guys night out sort of thing). So if you balance it out, it ain't all that bad, and remember, you are free to do anything you want on your spare time. You don't have to answer to anyone.

 

I think a positive outlook helps too.

 

So If you wallow, you only make it worse (trust me, i know).

 

I got to the point in my dating life where I realized that its not all it's cracked up to be. I too fell for the old hollywood romantic ideal, and soon realized that it wasn't real. The thing I realized is that we are all individuals, and either way we look at it, we are all ultimately alone. So with that being said, we are responsible for our own happiness.

I know that sounds harsh, but unfortunately, that is reality. So realistically, it's your choice to be a "happy single" or a "miserable single". Hope that helped. It sure helped me!

 

-Leftright