I don't like to admit I'm desperate. Am I at the end of my ropes?

[friendsoulmate]

At 40, I have felt this very same pressure. I feel like I am very rare. Everyday I face the world, I know the majority of people, age 20-40, have steady boyfriends and girlfriends, maybe cohabitating, engaged to be married, already married(with or without children), divorced (with children, about 95% of the time), or they are part of a lusty, hook-up culture, which is mostly about casual sex with different partners, because they have given-up on meaningful relationships and would rather have casual sex, whenever their sexual need/desire arises, similar to Sex and the City. I don't fit into any of these categories, so it does leave me feeling, because I am older, I should take anything or be alone. If I suddenly believed in casual sex, because I'm so desperate, I've given-up, and didn't expect my spouse to be a virgin, then I would be a hypocrite, as compared to my values and beliefs. I don't like being a hypocrite. I am still alone.

[Dako]

You seem to have other people ridgidly categorized.

 

Many of those in relationships are stressed out, or this forum would be pretty dull.

Flamboyently sexual people leave the solitary people such as you and I seemingly invisible. There are lots of single people in your shoes, unwilling to settle or go on the prowl for easy hookups.

 

Don't give up on women unless you to. If shyness or lack of opportunity are obstacles, deal with those issues instead of growing bitter.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

A lot of the people you describe are not exactly happy with their life either. Many married people are dissatisfied with their marriage or end up divorced...the hook up culture hasn't made people very happy either. In fact most of those hook up people are also trying to find a meaningful relationship. Don't compromise on your values just to fit in with what others are doing...because those others are really not that much happier.

[lavenderdove]

I know as many unhappily married people as i do unhappily single people... the only difference is they have a different set of problems.

 

You should be focusing on making your life happy no matter whether you are coupled or not, and desperation makes you make really bad decisions like choosing a wrong person just so you won't be single. I know many very happy single people, who are in fact a lot happier than a lot of married people because they didn't settle for someone just to get married, and because they demand they be treated right rather than tolerate really bad behavior from a partner.

 

So you need to shift your perspective and not tell yourself that being coupled is 'better' than being single, because it is not better, just diffferent. Ideally, if you have a really good mate of course you will be happier than being single, but frankly, that is an ideal circumstance that doesn't always apply. Happy people decide to make the best of life and to try to go out and get their own happiness, and if they find a partner to share it great, but if not, they don't have an idealistic view of life that marriage 'fixes' life and life without a partner is 'crap'.

 

Make a list of 100 things you want to do before you die (with a partner only being one of the 100 and 99 other things). Then start doing them one by one. If you are happy and excited about life, you may well attract to yourself a partner who wants to share that happiness and with whom you have a lot in common. Nobody wants to share desperation, but they do want to share common goals, a zest for life, etc.

[friendsoulmate]

I am preparing to go on my 2010, annual vacation. I decided not to go on the ocean cruise for singles. There were problems with the price/deal, the dates, the inexperienced singles I'm looking for is unknown, and if I get lucky and find the woman I want, she probably won't live even close to where I live anyway, because singles "from all over" go on these cruises, etc. It just didn't work-out. Instead, I plan to fly to L.A. and observe the beach culture in L.A. and San Diego. I believe the ideal Christian lifestyle is to get married in your 20's, start a family, and focus on your family. Now, at 40-year-old virgin, when a Christian has never found his or her soulmate, he or she wants, then what kind of vacation can be fun and exciting? I don't want to go to Las Vegas to drink, gamble, and get-laid, because then I would be a hypocrite. If I go to Hawaii(which I have been before), then I would see newlywed couples with me, following the tour guides. This would make me feel alone again. A 40-year-old Christian virgin can not have a "family" vacation, if they don't have a family of their own. A 40-year-old Christian virgin can not go to "Sin City" to have fun, because then I would be a hypocrite. How is a 40-year-old Christian virgin suppose to look forward to having fun on their vacation, when the "appropriate Christian vacation", while traveling alone, is not fulfilling what their real needs are? My rant always comes back to the same key-word: Misfit. I don't fit into any social category, which, in my opinion, would make a vacation fun. My category is virgin, Christian singles. Are they all fat?

[LightbulbSun]

The problem here is that...you're a Christian, right? Well, a lot of Christian women don't exactly follow the 'wait until you're married' thing at MY age, let alone your age. Plus, you'll be unlikely to find a woman your age who hasn't been married, so even if she followed the 'no sex' rule, she still wouldn't be a virgin.

 

Not believing in casual sex...well, a lot of people don't believe in casual sex. A lot of people wait until their wedding night, or until they're engaged, to do the deed. Even at 40. The problem here is that you believe that, if a woman enjoys sex, then she believes in casual sex...or at least that's what I'm assuming. Which isn't the truth, at all; human beings are the only species, aside from dolphins, that have sex for pleasure. So you're basically ruling out ALL women, because I doubt that A.) A woman would not enjoy having sex with her husband, and B.) That she would be around 40 and still be a virgin, and C.) That a 40 year old can date an 18 year old (who is likely the only virgin around), and not be called a creep or weirdo, only looking for sex.

 

If you have high Christian morals, fine. Date a Christian woman with high morals. Just don't expect her to be a virgin, and don't expect her to not enjoy sex. Because women enjoy sex just as much as men, even if they pretend they don't.

[newwave]

You sound like a great catch, and while you won't find many 40 year old virgins, there are still are never married women without kids, just harder to find.

[LightbulbSun]

You sound like a great catch, and while you won't find many 40 year old virgins, there are still are never married women without kids, just harder to find.

 

Agreed.

[dr_styles]

I don't think he said anything about a woman who didn't enjoy sex, just the whole one-night stand hook up stuff. Although I agree you may as well forget that particular requirement of being a virgin because as mentioned even the people who followed the rule of no sex before marriage would probably have been married before.

 

I definitely sympathise with your holiday post about feeling trapped without a "happy" option for a holiday or break or but I'm sure something hopefully will come up in your mind.

[friendsoulmate]

I don't think he said anything about a woman who didn't enjoy sex, just the whole one-night stand hook up stuff.

 

That's correct! Please tell LightBulbSun to stick with the truth and don't try to put a spin on my subject so he can lead-off to a tangent and point he wants to make, which steers away from the truth and point I was trying to make.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Do you go to services regularly? Do you network when you're there and have you developed any friendships? That may lead to your perfect local single Christian gal. Have you looked for "Christian singles" groups in your local area? I'm sure there are Christian singles vacations available as well - more specific to what you're looking for than a singles cruise. Have you checked out link removed? That might also lead you to a Christian group in your area.

[Batya33]

When I was 38 and single I had never had casual sex, had no plans to, and have no plans to, ever. I was still marriage minded so I guess I am the exception to your original post. I had to change things about me to be truy ready for a commitment and the other factors were luck and timing - but those were minor factors. I definitely wasn't desperate and I definitely did not want to settle. I originally met my husband at work but know many amazing people who met their spouses through on line dating sites. I hope you work on not being so cynical/negative - you kind of sound like you're your own worst enemy and that is a shame.

[carra]

You sound like a great catch, and while you won't find many 40 year old virgins, there are still are never married women without kids, just harder to find.

Not to discourage the OP, but I'm sick of hearing women tell some guy "you are a great catch" and "I don't get why you are single". Of course those same women will never date the guy. Why exactly don't they get it then?

[newwave]

Not to discourage the OP, but I'm sick of hearing women tell some guy "you are a great catch" and "I don't get why you are single". Of course those same women will never date the guy. Why exactly don't you get it then?

 

Well, that's not true in my case. I've dated lots of great guys. I dated some jerks too so I dumped those.

[carra]

Oh I didn't mean you specifically newwave. If you are the exception, then cheers for you. Unfortunately most others are way more hypocritical (or rather, they don't really know what they want)

[newwave]

Oh I didn't mean you specifically newwave. If you are the exception, then cheers for you. Unfortunately most others are way more hypocritical (or rather, they don't really know what they want)

 

Sadly, many women go for the jerks. I never understood it because once I found out a guy was a jerk he was dumped.

[dr_styles]

Do you have a good relation with your pastor or church if you have a regular one? Considered asking them to "give you a heads up" on any of the singles in the group?