Strange pictures of a girl found on his computer...

[Lyrisae]

All right. First things first, I've always known that my fiancee really, REALLY enjoys his, ahem...Internet fun (the type most men enjoy). However, at times over the two years we have been together, I've become concerned that his habit is a bit excessive. For a while about a year or so ago I had become obsessed with "checking up" on his computer activity, seeing what sites he was going to, what kind of pictures and videos he was downloading, etc. And like I said, his habit is excessive. Thousands of pics/videos/sites etc. However, I know that doesn't excuse my snooping/constant ragging on him about it. So I quit. It was harming my relationship and so I finally sat down and told myself, "This has to stop. Either you accept it or you don't, because it's not changing anytime soon." And so I quit looking into his computer activity. Slowly, the insecurity began to get better, and I didn't even think about it all that much. But lately I've been getting that women's intuition, if that's what you want to call it. His "attentions" towards me have declined a bit or something, I don't know. But when he went to work this morning, I am ashamed to admit that I sat down at his computer and promptly began to look through his files. What I found was most of the norm - typical things men enjoy, whatever. But then I stumbled accross a folder that made my heart drop into my stomach.

 

The folder is titled simply "Girl" and inside were, I kid you not, 155 pictures of this one girl alone. What upset me the most, I think, is that perhaps half of the pictures were not sexual in any kind of nature. They were just normal pictures of her, smiling and posing for the camera. There's even two of her school pictures! I have no clue who this girl is. I've never seen her before. But I don't know why in the world he would have normal, random pictures of some chick. And 155 of them. I think I have a right to be concerned. What should I do? If I confront him with what I discovered, I just KNOW he's going to get defensive and turn it back on me, "What were you doing snooping? I knew I couldn't trust you!" etc. And he would be right, of course, I KNOW I shouldn't have snooped. But I had a weird feeling in my gut and wound up discovering something very hurtful. Oh, please help...I'm so confused and upset right now...

[annie24]

you guys are awfully young. i wonder if maybe he just isn't ready to marry? i don't know - maybe you should ask him about it, but then you have to reveal that you've been snooping. it doesn't sound like a good foundation for a marriage. maybe you guys should put the wedding on hold?

[SpottiOtti]

Hmmm . . . always a tough one. I was just talking to some girlfriends about this last night, and we agreed that finding stuff trumps actually looking. I think if I felt compelled to look because of my gut, and found something, i would tell my BF "Hey, I felt like something was going on. I couldn't shake the feeling, so I investigated. Now, who is this broad?"

 

I do think it's strange that all these pics of one chick, fully clothed. But guys can get off to stuff other than just naked pics. Do they look like professional pics? Maybe she's like a clothing model or something and he just liked the way she looked and saved a bunch of the pics. But if they look like they were taken at home, that would raise more questions in my mind.

[Godless_Heathen]

Most likely he's having a little fantasy romance in his head with this girl. Also likely, it doesn't really mean anything, and he knows perfectly well it's a fantasy. He's not going to act on it.

 

There are probably things about his relationship with you that he wishes were different. That's kind of normal - no one is an absolutely perfect match for their partner. So he invents this fantasy relationship with a girl he doesn't know - if he did, there'd be a name, not "girl" - and pretends she's his perfect partner, in his daydreams.

 

It's a coping mechanism. If things are doing well enough otherwise, just accept it and move on. You're not going to be able to change this about him. It's not like he's pushing it in your face, he's keeping it completely private. Well, up until you started looking into folders he was keeping to himself.

[thankyou]

1) that's extremely sketchy on his part.. you definitely should find out what the deal is with that girl... that's not normal.

 

and 2) you're allowed to snoop because you shouldn't have to worry about finding something you dont wanna find...my boyfriend let's me read his texts/ look at his computer. Its not weird, it just helps us have more trust cause there's nothing to hide. and there really shouldnt be.

 

confront him.

[fiffy]

My ex did this, I also found profiles up on dating sites when we were together. I found out all this early on in the relationship yet I decided to overlook it. It was the worst thing I could have ever done. This guy went on to cheat lie and devastate my life.

 

I know its hard but you really have to question whether a man who loves you would be collecting so many pictures of another girl? There is no explaination other than he is having some sort of contact and possibly a relationship with her. Even if it is just friendship.

 

Men who become obssessed with the internet can constantly seek out women on there. They are always looking for that first buzz of a relationship. I would be upset even with the constant downloading of adult material but the fact that this is a real person is very worrying.

 

I know you love him and this message probably makes you feel worse but I suggest shaking things up a bit. The only way to truly find out how he feels is to give him some space and see how he reacts. Confront him with what you have found then say you are going away for a couple of weeks and you will be in touch. Go and stay with friends or family and turn off your phone. DO not reply to e-mails have absolutley NO Contact. By this time he will realise you will not stand for that behaviour and will most likely regret his actions and come crawling back. You will shock him by acting this way and its the only way to get him to think about it. But you have to stand firm. No Contact and No apologies on your part. That is the ONLY way it will work x

[amie.bee]

You're in a difficult situation, well done on being so understanding of his habit. I don't know that his habit is something most men do, and definitely not as often as him. I know my boyfriend, who I live with, doesn't visit those sites and we have a good relationship.

 

Although snooping isn't good, neither is having something to hide. If his habit is so harmless maybe he would comfort and reassure you, show you his files, or even try to share his interest with you if you would enjoy it. Personally, I'm against it because I find it very demeaning to women usually.

 

I think you should discuss this with him, as openly and calmly as possible. The girl sounds like she could be someone he chats to online.

 

Ultimately, I don't think you've done anything wrong because you wouldn't have looked on his computer in the first place if there weren't problems between you that caused you to feel insecure.

 

I hope you find a way through this.

[diamond78]

Lyrisae,

 

Woman to woman here.....after reading your previous threads about this guy, you really really need to think about leaving this relationship because this man is not fully committed to you. He has made that clear too many times. You need to keep trusting your women's intuition and walk away from this. You are too young to have to deal with the drama you have with this person. There are many guys out there that will treat you better. I definitely would not marry this guy. Be careful with this one....

[annie24]

Lyrisae,

 

Woman to woman here.....after reading your previous threads about this guy, you really really need to think about leaving this relationship because this man is not fully committed to you. He has made that clear too many times. You need to keep trusting your women's intuition and walk away from this. You are too young to have to deal with the drama you have with this person. There are many guys out there that will treat you better. I definitely would not marry this guy. Be careful with this one....

 

Ah yes, i remember now. I agree completely. it does sound as if you need to walk away from this relationship as he doesn't seem to be 'in it.' you are too young to settle. not that anyone should settle. he has made enough comments that indicate he is not ready for marriage.

[FathomFear]

I think you might be blowing this way out of proportion. In all likelihood he just finds this woman attractive and has been collecting pictures of her, both erotic and non-erotic. If you were to browse a typical porn site with forums, for example, it's not uncommon to see lots of posts to the effect of "Can anyone tell me the name of the person in this pic??!?! I need to find more of him/her!!" Collecting pictures in this manner comes naturally from that.

 

And really, it's relatively easy to find a collection of erotic and non-erotic pictures of most popular porn actors/actresses too. I must say from my own experience, some of my favourite pictures of guys actually have them with their clothes on--not off--in natural settings. I think this holds true for most people, regardless of gender or sexuality.

 

In your case, I'd suggest that you stop snooping or resolve why you fundamentally lack trust in him. It will erode the relationship eventually if you don't stop it now.

[annie24]

I know she said in another thread that he said he was becoming attracted to his coworker. i wonder if this is her???

[Lyrisae]

annie24 - Thankfully it is not the coworker. I know what she looks like (met her once when we went into his work and she was there) and this isn't her. If it was, oooh...would be the end of us for sure.

 

I did some more digging into his computer to find out where the photos had come from, and feel a bit consoled. They were all from a big WinZip file that he downloaded, so he didn't go through and double-click save them to the folder one-by-one, which makes me feel better. That kind of concentration and time/effort would have bugged me. Also, they were from a porn website, so it's not a girl he knows IRL who emailed the pics to him or something. It makes me feel a bit better about the situation.

 

However, I went ahead and scheduled a counseling appointment on Tuesday with a woman I have seen before in the past. I'm going to go see her first alone, to talk with her about all the issues I've been dealing with these past couple of months (not just with my fiancee, but other things as well) and then get her opinion on couples counseling/how it works and if she would be willing to see both of us together. Hopefully it will help to get a professional opinion on all of this mess.

 

I really do want to make us stronger. He is an amazing man and we have the best time together. In some ways we're so compatible it's almost scary. But there's always been this huge hang-up about his porn habits. Maybe it's just not something I can get over. And he doesn't seem to be able to quit looking, or even look/download in moderation. He's not willing to compromise with me, he just locks down that side of the computer so I can't say diddly-squat about anything. Besides the fact that some nights he spends 2+ hours looking at porn. I kid you not...two hours.

[annie24]

do you really want to enter a marriage when things are like this?

[Lyrisae]

No...the wedding is unofficially "on hold" for now because of all of our issues. We haven't cancelled anything yet, but we're also not putting down any more money until we see if we can work through our issues.

[itsallgrand]

That would be enough for me to pull away from someone. Maybe some people think that is extreme, and that's ok.

 

But to me, that is excessive. More than just being a person who finds other people attractive (normal) or who has the occasional personal fantasy that doesn't include me (normal). Why collect all those pictures in the first place? To me, it seems a bit on the obsessive side.

 

Does he have a tendency to be excessive with other things too? Porn. Hobbies. Drinking. Spending. Whatever.

 

I don't know, who has the time or makes it a priority to do something like that? It seems downright neurotic to me.

 

I guess you'll have to decide for yourself. But I agree with Annie, it would be so foolish to get married with all these issues with the two of you, and you are both so young.

 

Keeping his youth in mind, it could be an excess of youth that he'll give up with time when he gets bored of it or finds other things that are more important to do.

 

You obviously don't trust him though. And that's the problem. Whether you have reason not to trust him or not, can't say from what I've read.

[FathomFear]

I know she said in another thread that he said he was becoming attracted to his coworker. i wonder if this is her???

 

Doubtful, unless he just happens to work with a bunch of people who do professional erotic/non-erotic photoshoots on the side.

[odile]

Godless_Heathen, I think I understand what you are trying to say, but I am going to have to disagree, at least in part.

 

Many men enjoy pornography, and it's fairly safe to say that all have at least fantasised of being with others at some point or another.

 

That being said, using pornography for occasional pleasure is one thing, and using porn as a "coping mechanism", is entirely another.

 

If, "There are probably things about his relationship with you that he wishes were different" then he should be working on the relationship

WITH you, rather than pushing you away and running off to hide in fantasy-land.

 

Also, the OP stated that her partner's 'attentions towards (her) have declined' lately, and that her partner spends 2 hours nightly shutting himself away to indulge privately in porn.

So, to just say

"things are doing well enough otherwise, just accept it and move on".

is not really appropriate advice, given the context.

 

Lyrisae, if this was simply a conversation about whether it's "normal" for a guy to use porn, I'd say that yes, to a degree it might be.

But there's a range of normality, and you and your boyfriend may have different (and incompatible) perspectives about what is "normal".

If this was the only issue, it would then be up to you to decide whether or not you would be able to come to terms with his habits, and accept him as he is.

 

HOWEVER,

It seems that this is not that simple of a situation, because not only is he indulging in the pornography, but

there are other aspects of the relationship that are either not being addressed because of this "coping mechanism", and/or

are even perhaps being caused by his (by most standards, excessive) use of pornography.

 

It sounds very much like there are some deeper issues at hand here, and whatever they may be,

he is not showing enough commitment to the relationship, as he is making no effort to talk to you, or

otherwise engage with you to make any meaningful changes that might make your relationship a healthier one.

 

As for "snooping", well, what's done is done, and honesty and openness really is the best policy.

May as well come clean with him about what your concerns are, and try to see if you can figure out what is really going on here.

 

 

EDIT:

I'm just looking at your other threads now, and clearly there are bigger issues going on with this guy/this relationship.

The porn may be in part contributing to the problem, but it looks even more like a symptom than a core issue.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I haven't read your past posts, so I can't really comment on your overall relationship. But just to respond to this thread, have you considered that these pictures, especially if many of them are non sexual, are of an old girlfriend? Did you check the date stamps? Are they recent, or from years past? It's also true that some guys really get into one particular porn actress/model and start compiling as many pictures as they can find about them. And yes, these women do occasionally take pictures with their clothes on. Just something to consider.

[arcadefire]

I can think of a few possibilities.

 

1. This is an old flame and he didn't bother to delete them.

2. Some obscure actress or singer or whatever that he finds attractive and has managed to look up and save 155 pictures of.

3. Something really fishy.

[Staple]

He's probably cheating or getting ready to, time to confront him and don't fall for any lies. My girlfriend got a message from a guy at 3 am "I miss you". She lied to me for days and convinced me it was just a friend. Long story short, she had sex with him multiple times and I'm heart broken.

 

Point is just don't trust people when the evidence is obvious.

[Cognitive_Canine]

They are from a WinRar, so, I wouldn't worry too much.

 

I went through my boyfriend's collection once (I was curious and he was in the room with me). I found like 80 pictures of this one girl. At first it bothered me but I didn't say anything.

 

Now, I don't even care.

 

She was hot and I can see why he liked her. Plus, it's just porn. She may as well not even be a real person, just material. Our sex life hasn't been affected. And, I noted what poses he had a lot of pictures of and started doing that more.

 

However, I also read through your past threads. While this incident is a bit alarming (since it HAS affected your physical relationship), it is just another red flag to add to the pile this man has accumulated.