A question about the "Dumper's Perspective"

[matchboxman]

Just been thinking about this and how if the shoe was on the other foot how I would react.

 

Since most of the people in here are the "dumpees", if the tables were turned and you were the one who dumped instead of being dumped, would you be hesitant to admit you made a mistake?

 

If you broke off a relationship looking for something else but found that the relationship you previously had was the one you really wanted and needed all along, would you be able to "man up" and admit you were wrong to get your girl/boy back or would your pride get in the way?

 

I know I'm a somewhat proud person so the idea of admitting I was wrong about something so serious makes me wonder if I would be able to do it. I hope if/when the day comes that my ex-gf ever comes back that she's able to swallow her pride and admit she was wrong. It would take a lot I think for someone to do that but when it comes to love, you don't worry about looking stupid.

 

Just seems to me like that'd be a big obstacle for a "dumper" to overcome. Sorry, I know this a forum for people who got dumped, didn't mean to empathize with the "bad guys" 8)

[samdog31]

I would sit down and write her a letter. This way she can read it on her time, and without interruption. It gives her something tangible to prove your love and something she read over and over again. If she wants to take you back she will do it in her time. At least by writing her you have put your feelings out there and made them known. And if she chooses to act on them she will do so.

[hurtbylove]

I'm going to be negative here, but.

 

Maybe they felt like they were doing the right thing and time passes, and they still feel like it was the right thing to do.

 

It's good to keep hope, but keep realistic and don't fall into the trap of false hope.

 

Try not to keep thinking that oh, the dumper would come back if they just had the guts to.

 

I want my ex back too. But I think she's moved on, and hasn't looked back.

 

Just keep that tiny flame in your heart alive, but don't let it rage out of control.

[cassiana]

I think you raise a very valid point. I smiled when you referred to the dumpers as the bad guys. I recently saw the Fog of War in the cinema and one of the lessons Robert MacNamara learned in relation to the cuban missile crisis was, empathise with your enemy. I know our problems may not punch holes in the earths crust but it could help. I thought about what you said. I have dumped people myself and fely bad about it but I have never regretted it. The guys I dumped were all only a month or less into relationships and they were chaps I was allergic to. In each occasion I was relieved to be home alone and never once felt a pang of regret. I suppose that's why I'm so Angry. I have been dumped too by guys because they suffered my company and they felt relieved at my parting. On those occasions I may have tried to make it work but saw their point and felt relief myself. What makes me so mad this time is that we were both in a very very happy relationship when my ex pulled the plug for reasons that had nothing to do with me or our lovely relationship. It was a combination of exam pressure and the fact he is recovering from M.E. It could also be fear of commitment. He admitted while dumping me that we had a great relationship and that he might regret it. This kind of faffy must examine my nael dumping makes me angry. Its not like great relationships are common and I reckon they are worth preserving despite the inconvenience.

But lets say he regrets it. How can he overcome his pride to tell you. The temptation here is to give a sign, some conciliatory gesture so that the way back is made smoother. I have done this in the past and it has never worked so this time I'm sticking with no contact. I will give you an analogy.

I used to teach boys in their early teens. When you were a new teacher they would try and push you , you would put up with it until they went too far and then you would come down on them like a ton of bricks. They would sit there cowed and I would soften, that was my big mistake. Then they knew my bark had no bite and they would walk alover me. After trial and error the correct way to hanlde them is this. Wait for one of them to do a small thing wrong. Give him pure hell and dont soften. The rest think jeez if shes that tough over a little thing like that im not doing anything. The truth is the misdemeanor wasnt that bad but you have to establish that you will not be messed with. You win their respect.

My ex sent me two jokey emails and a fairly vague birthday card within two weeks of the breakup. Before, despite the coldness of his words to me I would have jumped on these olive twigs to ease the path back to him. But what I'm really saying is I have no respect for myself. you needn't respect me either.

Im an extremely proud and awesomely stubborn person but I believe that if I dumped someone and regretted it I would suck it up and apologise. I have done worse as a dumpee. If my ex comes back he will respect me. If I make it easier for him he will dump me again. Thats my theory toady anyway.

[JT]

I was the dumper. I think because of my pride I would'nt call her ever. I dont think she's the one for me. Perhaps with some work on her behalf yes, but she wont admit that and blames me for everything from what I hear. We had a bad breakup, her last words were "i hate you" and not to contact her.. so with that being said then I dont think that I will ever call her. Relationship was 2 years so / so. 27 and 26 years old. I think when a breakup is so bitter that there's no way to reverse it at all.

 

JT

[Scout]

Cassiana, great post. Very well-written, wonderful points made. Let's face it, most of us have been the dumpers at some point. I find that anytime I am, karma very soon comes to pay me a visit! And I get dumped/blown off by someone.

 

But being bitter, prideful, and angry about it is something you must not do for too long. People are entitled to care about who they want to care about, to be with who they want to be with. We don't "own" people, and they are free to make their own decisions. I hate it when people say, oh, well if they don't want me, they're not worth it! To me, that's a cop out. The better thing to do is think hmmm, I'm not taking all the blame for this (unless you should), but I wonder what I did that annoyed them. I will work on that so in my next relationship, I am easier to be around.

 

I am going through lots of new thought processes, as a result of recent experiences, and my time on eNotalone (this is such an amazing site! bless all who take the time to give feedback and share their experiences and advice). We really have to learn to love without feeling we own that person. Possessiveness is a relationship killer. Wanting to change people is a relationship killer. Needing someone too much is a relationship killer. Gosh - relationships can be relationship killers!

 

I never answered the poster's original question...I think most of the time the dumper doesn't come back, and it's a rare soul who has the courage to say, I screwed up. Big time. Is there anyway you would reconsider giving us another shot? I've done it before, but it's not easy. Anything is possible, I suppose.

[monicaa]

"you don't worry about being stupid"...

 

...you might as well fear rejection and feel insecure about the decision one makes. it is difficult for some people to believe again that they will be accepted back in just as before after causing pain and distress.

For some is not about acknowledging our mistakes, is about if we will find real forgiveness.

[danimal77]

In my case, the dumper (my ex) came back several times, but it wasn't an easy process. Far from. She wouldn't have come back on her own. She left for her reasons, because she felt that I would always treat her the same way and she gave me the chance to change and I never did and she could no longer be subjected to that again.

 

Do they have regret? Look, it all depends on the intensity of the feelings. If they were true and the love was deep, it's that much harder for the dumper to perhaps keep away. If there was very little love and what was there was mostly superficiality, you will be forgotten about. I was once the dumper and I never really regretted my decision. In fact, I was happy with it and I never looked back. Now, if I was truly in love with the woman, but she was tearing me apart because of her own issues and I saw no more hope and things would just not change, ever, I would leave (even though I didn't) and who knows what time would do for my feelings.

 

I guess I would want to be given respect for my decision, but if my ex were to come around at a later time and I noticed a real genuine change and she was very non-threatening and pleasant and asked nothing of me and my feelings were still there, buried beneath the hurt, yes, I would reconsider.

 

Everyone, in my case, the dumper (being my ex) came back to me after everyone on this board would have lost all hope, BUT, she did not do it without my making it easier on her to do so, but she did it in her time, at her pace, while I respected her comfort level.

 

My sister got her ex back after 8 months. He wanted nothing to do with her ever again, so, she began dating and the whole 9 yards and she became a lot more aware of her issues and how to control them and not push men away. Anyways, she looked him up after almost a year apart and she went slowly and they got married and 2 kids later.

 

There is always hope and it doesn't always have to be applied to the next relationship. It can be, but that may be the one you both are settling for and not the one you're meant to be in.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[auburnslp]

danimal, I have to say I admire your resolve, and your "never quit" attitiude-that serves us well in life. You have written me that you are now in NC and holding to it, yet you will not give up hope. I do admire that. I also hope though, for your sake, that you are realistic in this hope. And that maybe you give yourself a time frame from which to work. I have done this myself...I have marked a date on my calendar two months from now, and when that date comes and she and I are still apart, I have resolved to let go of any hope whatsoever. The fact is this...if we don't let go of the hope at some point, we never heal and are never able to move on with our lives. This particular forum is about getting the girl or guy back, and again, I totally respect the resolve you have and the willingness you have to committ to this hope. Lord, if you had any idea what I would give to have my girl back. I would give anything at all in the world to have her back. I am not trying to be a pessimist, you are right, anything is possible. But at some point there has to also be a time to let go. Do you agree? I am curious, as I have read your posts on this forum. I hope you are well, and friend, keep up hope, keep up the fight. And best of luck to you today and always...Michael

[fantasia2004]

I surely agree . As much as I love my ex and would question whether or noto taken them back , I have to put myself in their shoes and see it from their perspective. would I have done the same thing?

 

hope is there but life must go on.

[danimal77]

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN LIFE IF YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!, but nothing comes for free and especially not to those who wait around for it.

 

Yes Michael, I have my dates on my calendar already marked off. I have a strategy and a MUCH more positive attitude. More than I've really had in the last 2 years, or more so the times she left me.

 

I am for the first time in control of my actions, where as before, I was guided by impulse and didn't act, but more so, reacted.

 

I have taken a step back. Longer than ever before. One thing on here everyone must realize, you'll never know until you've tried, but an honest effort. I've tried getting her back in the past and was ALWAYS successful. Maybe it was in my attitude, persistence or will and determination to re-earn her trust in me. My issue was, that I never was thruthfully honest with myself or with her and I put all my energy into getting her back, but never had enough to sustain it for long.

 

This time and space apart is making me stronger and is giving me a sense of true patience and an appreciation for it and the healing powers of which are incurred in the process.

 

So, to answer your question, yes, I have set a date, but you must be flexible and know how to deviate from your plans if you have to. If you truly understand yourself, of which I am starting to, for the first time in my whole life, you will then see the big picture and if you choose to keep fighting, either way, you will be victorious.

 

BTW, in my case, my track record of getting her back is spotless, but it's the keeping her part which has to be worked on and right now, I'm not only thinking how I can make her trust me again, but how I can start to trust her and that comes from trusting and knowing yourself and that's what this NC has been doing for me.

[auburnslp]

good for you brother, but...again, I will caution you thusly...there has to be a resolve inside you to know when you are done. I agree on the flexibility issue, especially if things have changed by that date, but brother, if not, there does come a time when we have to let go. I am facing an unbeatable situation. My ex left me for her kids and for God-how can I argue with that or beat that? So we have to be realistic-a biblical spin on what you wrote at the start of your last response is that "All things are possible through Christ, who strengthens me" And danimal, that doesn't necessarily mean that I will have my girl back, just because I want her so badly. What it does mean however, is that even if my wishes and dreams are not answered, I will have the strength to let go and move on, again, something that right now does not even feel remotely possible to me. But there just absolutely has to come a time when we move on and say, "it just wasn't meant to be". Good luck brother. Michael

[danimal77]

Michael,

 

Here's a story of inspiration to you. My parents divorced when I was ten years old (1988). It was an 18 year marriage. My mother met someone about a year later, who had also been out of his marriage of 14 years, for one year as well. My mother had 3 children and 2 who lived with her and one with my father. The man she met has 3 of his own. One who lived with him and 2 with his ex wife.

 

Okay, my mother and him were together for about 6 years, in which time, his ex was always hounding him to come back and take care of the kids he "abandoned" and the only solution to help them, was to be back in a family setting, with her. The pressure finally got to him. He left my mother and as hard as it must have been on him, he didn't show it. He told my mother that he no longer loved her and told her that he must be with his family, for his children's sake. Anyways, 2 years passed. My mother never gave up hope. She was persistent and did pursue him from a distance. Guess what, he came back to mother and they got married.

 

His children did not fully forgive him for going back to my mother, but he realized that the kids were old enough and he had to live to please himself and follow his heart. Initially his heart drove him away from my mother and in time, and my mother's continued support, he was propelled back into her life and arms and hand in marriage.

 

They are very happy today and the kids are finally turning a new leaf as well.

 

This story does nothing for me, for it has no bearing on my situation, but it does on yours Michael. Never stop believing. Why did she fall in love with you. Are you still that same man today, offering her the exact same thing? If not, get back to it and she will get back to you. Lets's just hope in my case, my ex, who has reconnected with her ex from 5 years ago, in who knows what capacity is seduced by him. Anyways, no distractions.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[auburnslp]

thanks brother...you are right, that story so closely resembles mine, almost the exact same thing. But that story had a happy ending...I am losing hope that mine will...thanks for sharing...and yes I am still the same man-if anything, I have improved...Michael

[jerwei]

you know wat? i'm thinking, its easier for a guy to get a girl back. but its so much harder for a girl to get a guy back... comments?

[danimal77]

jerwei,

 

Before I say I don't agree with you, I would like to know why you think that?

 

Danimal

[blackcat21]

I just wanted to say I agree with Jerwei.. in my experience, men don't want to listen after they have broken up with you.. they are already set in their decision, and reasoning and talking doesn't work. Showing you care doesn't work.. my ex tried to come back to me after almost 2 months after we broke up only b/c he felt he missed me on his own terms.. but at the time, when I wanted to stay with him, he wouldn't hear of it. I didn't want him back by the time he changed his mind. Ironic eh? I guess men just have issues with feeling like they are being pushed or controlled Well, thats what I think anyway.

[danimal77]

blackcat21,

 

Funny enough, my ex has done the same thing with me a couple of times and guess what? She's a girl. Don't stereotype based on your own personal situation.

 

If my ex wants to come back on her terms in her own time, that's fine with me. I am the one who contributed to her leaving.

 

People are people.

[cassiana]

It is an interesting point. Is it easier for the girl or the boy to get an ex back. I shall compare two real life examples. My friend met this guy through work and took a shine to him. She asked him to accompany her to a wedding, ha agreed then cancelled. A month later he dated another girl. That ended three monthd later and then he asked my friend out. They dated for more than a year. My friend really liked him but was very frustrated. She attended loads of weddings as his partner but he wriggled out of any of hers. He always had to cancel to work or help a very demanding sister. She dumped him a few times because he was making no effort. He would apologise but then do the same crap again. This wore her down. She knew she wasn't on his list of priorities at all. She finally dumped him November 2002. He contacted her at christmas, could they talk it over, she said okay but he never got back to her about the arrangements. That was it for her. Anyway he is in constant text contact with her and still calls to her office occasionally. Now she doesn't care, so sometimes she answers his texts, sometimes she doesn't. In May 2004 he asked her back by text. She didn't reply. She said to me that it would be the same old crap again and she didn't want to go through it and all his previous behaviour has put her off. He is still texting her and visiting her in his office.

He could have got her back at christmas 2003 and probably for some months afterwards. im her friend and she tells me everything and I think its too late now.

She dumped him because she liked him but he hurt her too much. She dumped him hoping that he would change his act and ask her back. She never wanted to dump him in the first place and would never ever ask him back.

 

In my case my ex dumped me after giving the matter his attention for about ten seconds. He dumped me because he panicked, he has M.E> and had a very intensive law course coming up and the week before the breakup this tension had manifested himself in a two-day migraine which was something he suffered from when his illness was at its worse. He told me none of this. Instead he told me that he had asked not to meet me the previous saturday because he had a cold and didnt want to pass it on. He told me that that saturday he had realised that he enjoyed his own company. (This doesnt explain why he asked me to take a train trip with him the following monday, our last outing.)

He told me that I had been great and nothing but supportive but he thought that things were stale on that train trip.

I pointed out that I had been up at 6am to get that train and had a cold. He conceded this and said that porbably no-one laughed as much on that train trip as we did. This is true for though i moan on this forum, in real life i'm very witty and my ex really had a good laugh every time he met me. That trip had been great and we had clowned around etc.

Anyway the upshot was that he didnt want to give me the real reason for the breakup and instead substituted it with excuses. We didn't have chemistry etc. I tore all his arguments apart. For example when cross-examined the chemistry story was based on the fact that we didn't hold hands in public. I pointed out I was shy and from a non-demonstrative family as was he. (We did hold hands once, but thats when an ex said hello to me. ) He conceded that I had given him much to think about. (so much for his legal career). He also said that he might regret this next week. I knew he wouldn't because this breakup was all about the course which lasts until august. SO i'm rambling now sorry.

The thing is my ex dumped me because of pressures at work. The question now is does he regret it? Can he pony up the guts to come back, apologise and beg me to give him a second chance?

[tere]

I guess I would want to be given respect for my decision, but if my ex were to come around at a later time and I noticed a real genuine change and she was very non-threatening and pleasant and asked nothing of me and my feelings were still there, buried beneath the hurt, yes, I would reconsider.

 

Danimal,

I think you made an interesting comment.

What do you mean by that "real genuine change"? When you say about being "non-threatening and pleasant and asked nothing of me" do you mean not talking about the relationship or having hard feelings? or is it like not pushing towards getting back together? could you explain me please. thanks

[bexcelant]

I have to say this whole thing about waiting..it took it's toll on me. I waited and waited. Let me just say... this whole thread has the right idea. There comes a time when it's time to let go. Forget about the past and move on. If he/she were really meant to be with you, they would be.

 

Fact is...they would realize their mistake and come running back to you, jumped through hoops to explain their stupidity and rash decisions. In my case..I did NC, waited and came back trying to win her heart. She sorta wavered a little bit but in the end..it's not gonna work because she's still dating the other guy after 11 months. I'm tired of the shenanigans and being there for her while she's never there for me when I need to talk about something that is important to me.

 

Last I heard, they were talking about getting married so...ya know..it's time to punt. I have erased all her numbers, all contact information and all the stuff I ever had about her. She calls me...I will certainly not answer the phone. If someday, I find that she's no longer with him, I might think about it. But today...well today is another day and the possibilities out there are endless.

 

BEX

[OceanEyes]

I know I'm a somewhat proud person so the idea of admitting I was wrong about something so serious makes me wonder if I would be able to do it.

 

For me, if a guy dumped me and hurt me to the point that I wouldn't want to take him back, admitting the faults and actually knowing exactly what went wrong is what it would take.

 

You don't have to take all the blame. It's always better to say things like, "we just need to learn to communicate better" as opposed to "you never listen to me". It's so much more effective to try and resolve things collectively in relationships. Both people have to be patient with each other and understand that human beings are not, and will never be, perfect. The "dumper" can't lay out a list of expectations and ultimatums in haste either, because I've seen this before. It makes the dumpee feel like he/ she is walking on eggshells and as a result, are always insecure and sensitive that the next fight will wind up in the dumper walking right back out the door. No way will I ever live under those terms. And why would anyone?

 

I think sometimes people deal with relationships too unnaturally. Let things come and go, and mostly, get over being stubborn and proud about your own faults.

 

When I dumped my ex, I did it because he refused to communicate with me about our problems. There were some issues that I felt were causing some unhappiness on my part, I never placed blame, but I wanted the issues addressed and dealt with. He was always adamant that he didn't see anything wrong with how things were going, and that he was never doing anything wrong. I didn't agree, and although it took 2 years, I eventually ended the relationship. He tried to come back and promised to try, but I knew he was just too damn stubborn and proud to ever open his mind and heart to me.

 

Looking back now, I know that there was already too much damage done after I ended things for it to ever work again. I simply lost my connection with him and knew it would never come back. But, I also know that if he would have tried to be more open to communication and at least tried to accept that we HAD problems, I think we would still be together today. That's really all it would have taken - an open mind and heart, and some good old-fashioned heart-to-heart conversations.

 

Bottom line, try not to create too many expectations. Go with the flow and keep your heart and your eyes open ... relationships should make you happy and bring things to your life like intimacy, love, compassion and fun, it shouldn't seem like a project or a contract that has to be obeyed strictly.

[danimal77]

"Fact is...they would realize their mistake and come running back to you, jumped through hoops to explain their stupidity and rash decisions."

 

My friend, you are so off. Did you ever consider that maybe she left because you may have pushed her too far. DO NOT EXPECT them to come back on their own. It's just not going to happen. You don't see the results you're still expecting to see from her and then you get disappointed and discouraged and move. Man, it's up to you, not her. SHE left you. She's not coming back on her own, until you make her feel comfortable with you and the whole idea of you. You have to first lower her defenses. There are ways, but you haven't been informed. People on here don't see the results and they feel that by implicating NC, that there ex will miss them enough to come back on their own. That is not going to happen and the sooner people on here realize that we must be the proactive initiators and be smart about it and do it in a way that is so damn non-threatening, that then and only then do you stand a chance at any time of reconciliation over time.

 

Tere,

 

When you ask nothing of your ex when you make contact, you immediately lower their defenses and suspicions of you and your true intentions. You can't go for the direct attack. You have to come from an angle. You have to go around their defenses, in order to make them feel comfortable with you. Enough at least to want to consider having future contact and if they do, well, consider yourself lucky, because then to me, that's a door that is open for all sorts of possibilities.

 

When I say ask nothing of them, by doing this, you are maintaining your independence and they won't run for the hills. Give without making it seem like you want anything from them. IT's not about you, it's about them and their feelings. At least for the time being. You have to think along those lines. You have to be indirect, vague and ambiguous. Never letting them smell your motives, because those motives were once driven by desperation that desperation is what drove them further away. Now, it's time to draw them closer. Do the opposite in a sense of what they would have come to expect from you and they will start to do the opposite of how you expected them to react. Both of you will be pleasantly

surprised by the results.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[danimal77]

"Looking back now, I know that there was already too much damage done after I ended things for it to ever work again. I simply lost my connection with him and knew it would never come back."

 

Wow, that kind of shatters all hope them of my ex even considering coming back. Like you, I had been in a 2 year relationship with my ex and she must have felt the exact same way, but when she left, I was very open to what I did wrong and even suggesting therapy with her, but she was the one who closed up. Your statement of having lost your connection with him and it would never come back is a VERY strong statement to make. I have to disagree with it, because my ex told me the same thing, yet, hers did come back, obviously with my help and it was stronger than ever before, but the same problems reoccurred with time and she left again and that being the 3rd time.

 

You're telling me, if he came back into your life today, in a very non-threatening manner, as friends and did everything for you, that you would have loved to have seen him do back then, that your feelings or connection would not be rekindled? Did you ever entertain the possibility?

 

Peace,

[blackcat21]

I guess I could be stereotyping but its just what I've learned through my own life and stories of my friends; etc. Its just I keep seeing friends of mine (female) who dump a guy for whatever reason.. they end up getting back with him after he talks it out with them promises to change; etc. whereas men don't really seem to care to listen to talk once the decision has been made.. or maybe I've just been dating stubborn guys.