KG Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 We talked tonight. She isn't going to move here while looking for a job. She's still an hour away. She hates to move her and kids stuff, and if she gets a job farther away, another move is required. And she admitted to holding back emotionally, due to all of the above. So what do I have to look forward to? For her part, she will take a lesser salary to be close to me. But that ultimately, it's the big bucks that count. To make things worse......she accused me of not wanting to move her in, but to have her live nearby, so I can have regular sex. This from someone who professes love, and has been nothing but a perfect match for me for 10 months? I'm beginning to see a confused person. Who doesn't know their words can hurt. I asked politely to end the conversation. I have too much to absorb. Link to comment
waveseer Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I believe what you are experiencing from her is the dance of the uncommitted male partner. Maybe she is thinking, "Why should I rearrange my whole life for a man who isn't committed to me?" If you want her permanently, then you need to let her know. If you are just making time, then she's doing exactly what she needs to do, looking out for herself. Someone has to look out for her, if it's not you then try not to resent her picking up the slack. Link to comment
doyathink Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I believe what you are experiencing from her is the dance of the uncommitted male partner. Maybe she is thinking, "Why should I rearrange my whole life for a man who isn't committed to me?" If you want her permanently, then you need to let her know. If you are just making time, then she's doing exactly what she needs to do, looking out for herself. Someone has to look out for her, if it's not you then try not to resent her picking up the slack. I agree..... Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I agree..... Count me in. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I believe what you are experiencing from her is the dance of the uncommitted male partner. Maybe she is thinking, "Why should I rearrange my whole life for a man who isn't committed to me?" If you want her permanently, then you need to let her know. If you are just making time, then she's doing exactly what she needs to do, looking out for herself. Someone has to look out for her, if it's not you then try not to resent her picking up the slack. I agree with this as well. Granted, you should NOT be pushed into the decision to live together if you are not ready. However, by the same token, she cannot be expected to uproot her whole life for something that may fizzle out. Maybe she feels as though she has too much to lose, if she DOES move, and things do not pan out for you two. It's a risk she is NOT willing to take, and it sounds like you aren't willing to take it either? So let me ask you this: how much more time do you think you may need? what exactly needs to happen for you to decide that you want to live together? what exactly do you need to know more about her, in order for you to decide that you want to live together? Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 KG, Would you uproot your son from his school and all his friends so you could be neighbors with a woman? Do you know how traumatic a move can be on young kids? I do, I could write a book. I wouldn't even encourage this lady to uproot unless you are getting married. This sounds like a disaster in the making. Link to comment
KG Posted July 13, 2010 Author Share Posted July 13, 2010 I believe what you are experiencing from her is the dance of the uncommitted male partner. Maybe she is thinking, "Why should I rearrange my whole life for a man who isn't committed to me?" If you want her permanently, then you need to let her know. If you are just making time, then she's doing exactly what she needs to do, looking out for herself. Someone has to look out for her, if it's not you then try not to resent her picking up the slack. You make a very good point. In my own defense, this is my concern. That we have been in the "honeymoon" phase for 10 months. We only see each other on weekends, so it is hot and heavy for those 2 days. The longest we've spent together was 4 nights, 3 days, and that was a vacation away from kids, cell phones, etc. So I worry what we will be like in a 24/7 situation, with bills, shopping, cleaning, kids and everything else. I'm no angel, I admit. Will I mess this up, in close proximity? I'd rather have her nearby, so we can wade in, rather than jump in with both feet. One more thing....currently, she has no responsibilities. Her housemate cleans, shops, does the house maintenance. How will she be here, will she be able to hold up her end, my son and this place require a lot. But you've given me some good points to consider, and will take the time to do just that. Link to comment
KG Posted July 13, 2010 Author Share Posted July 13, 2010 KG, Would you uproot your son from his school and all his friends so you could be neighbors with a woman? Do you know how traumatic a move can be on young kids? I do, I could write a book. I wouldn't even encourage this lady to uproot unless you are getting married. This sounds like a disaster in the making. Her kids are grown and moved out. Link to comment
DN Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 You have posted about concerns that you have in the past and that is valid. The problem is that there are points on both sides - she doesn't want to move closer without more of a commitment and you don't want to commit until your concerns are met. How about a vacation together at your home for a couple of weeks. Link to comment
KG Posted July 13, 2010 Author Share Posted July 13, 2010 You have posted about concerns that you have in the past and that is valid. The problem is that there are points on both sides - she doesn't want to move closer without more of a commitment and you don't want to commit until your concerns are met. How about a vacation together at your home for a couple of weeks. This may be the best option, I think. Good idea, as always. Link to comment
anggrace Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 That's a great idea! A longer amount of time together would probably give you both a little more clarity. I can understand both of your hesitations at this point. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Her kids are grown and moved out. Oh, that changes everything. I thought she had children around your son's age. Link to comment
doyathink Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Why dont you move to be closer to her? Problem solved. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 How about a vacation together at your home for a couple of weeks. Ooh, that is a great idea! Does she have a job now, or is she unemployed and looking for a job? Either way, if she has some vacation time left, it could be a great opportunity to experience daily life together. It sounds like that's what you need. Link to comment
KG Posted July 13, 2010 Author Share Posted July 13, 2010 Why dont you move to be closer to her? Problem solved. Terrible timing. My biz is established here, and my son is on 3 school sports teams. Or I would. Link to comment
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