life after divorce before 30

[amtjrtcet]

Hey guys.... my 6 month marriage is sadly headed for divorce. We've both expressed that we made a mistake...we've been seeing a marriage counselor... we're both miserable. The love isn't there, the passion is dead, and the friendship has faded. There is no communication, no trust....we pretty much just co-exist...

 

Amongst many other emotions, I can't help but be afraid of the future. We have no children.... so the baggage will be at minimum...but I can't help but be afraid of the future and carrying the title as 'divorced'.... I can't help but wonder how I will be perceived. I guess what I'm asking is to the men...... How do you view a woman that's in her late 20's and divorced? Does it discredit her? How would your parents feel about you being with a divorced woman? I have no children, I'm educated and successful, and I do for myself... I just wonder if I blew my future at being happy b/c I chose the wrong one the first time?

[lunatic]

OMG! I am so sorry to hear your going thru this! *HUGS* That sucks really bad and my heart goes out to you!

 

As for worrying about being divorced I would say DONT WORRY ABOUT IT! Your a beautiful woman with brains! I don't think think you will have much of a problem finding men! I recommend you take some time to yourself to reflect on how you got into this position and how you can avoid falling into the same rut in the future.

 

My advice is NOT to worry about it! You have a lot going for you and there is nothing to worry about! You have it all! Looks, Career, and intelligence!

[guynextdoor]

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. As far as a man seeing a single women that went through divorce I see no difference than a women who never been divorce or marriage. I like her for who she is, not what she been through. Stay strong and GL.

[annie24]

hi - i wouldn't worry about stigma. i don't think it is there as much as there used to be. if you guys are trying and it's just not working, i mean, what else can you do? i do have lots of friends my age, our age! who are divorced. so, it happens.

 

good luck. hang in there. (HUGS)

[ksh1255]

My wife was divorced when I met her, she was 23 then. Of course, we have been on the verge of divorce for the last 6 months, not to my fault.

 

But, to me - obviously it did not bother me.

[Mustachio]

I agree, I wouldnt worry about it.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, but at least you both know that it is for the best, should make getting through it easier than if it was some traumatic event that caused the breakup.

 

If it was me, as a guy in his mid to late twenties, I would have no issues seeing someone who has been divorced before. I might be slightly cautious before jumping into marriage with that person.... but no more cautious than I would be with anyone anyways.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time.

 

I wouldn't worry about the stigma. You are a powerful and beautiful woman. Any man who enjoys your companionship won't let it bother him.

 

Can it not be saved though?

[pl3asehelp]

I'm was divorced before getting remarried. I didn't think there was a stigma, but I have seen posts here on ENA where women describe they men they're looking for and strangely, I've seen them include 'never married'. I've even questioned why this is important and I think I got an answer like 'well it's always partially both peoples fault' - I don't agree with this, but just be aware that some people think like this. I can understand not wanting to get involved with someone with children from a previous relationship, but when there are no children involved I don't see an issue myself. A person can find themselves divorced as a result of a mental breakdown on the part of their spouse and there's not much you can do about that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You actually will have it easier than a woman who has never been married but has children from a relationship. In this day and age when so many people rack up multiple failed live-in relationships by their late 20's, there is really very little difference except for the fact that yours was legal. Divorce doesn't carry the same stigma it once did. Far better to get divorced than to spend years in a marriage that just isn't working.

[lostnscared]

I just read some of your threads in the past...

 

I'm sorry that your marriage did not work out...

 

From what I read(in your previous threads) you still had feelings for another ex prior to even getting married, but still married this man. And even admitted that there was love, and that he was a good man and the "safe" option.

 

I also know that he (your current husband) asked you to marry him rather quickly and you jumped right into it, and everything sort of happened like a whirlwind.

 

So I guess I see a common pattern here:

 

Unresolved feelings

Rushing to make LIFE ALTERING decisions rather quickly

 

I can't help but wonder if after only 6 months, you're rushing to get this divorce without giving it time? I also can't help but wonder if your looking for the passion that you had from your (ex) and since you don't feel it with him you feel as if the marriage won't work?

 

Two things:

 

1. The first three years of marriage are difficult. I had a friend who got married. And within the first four months they were on the brink of divorce. It was like that for about two and a half years. Now after three years of marriage they are finally settling in to what marriage entails. Could it be that after 6 months you haven't really given it a shot yet...

2. Passion is great, but marriage takes work. Have you guys TRULY tried to find the passion and make it work.

3. Have you tried a trial separation?

 

 

This is just MY stance, but unless there has been fidelity, abuse, etc I REALLY think that you guys could *possibly* still have a shot. Have you excersied all options to make it work?

 

As for your original question. Divorce is very common these days. I'm sure most people wouldn't see anything wrong with it.

[ksh1255]

If my wife and I divorce, I will be divorced, have 2 children, by 2 different women. It wouldn't exactly make me the best choice - when in reality, I am not at fault for either of the circumstances. I am the one trying as hard as i can to make things work. Life isn't always fair

[amtjrtcet]

lostnscare-I don't think we've tried EVERYTHING... we've tried counseling, we've tried talking it out... but I also don't think either of us are really putting 100% into it. More like we're going through the motions to say we tried. He said 'if you're not happy then we need to end this. I'll be fine." He's pretty much leaving it up to me... which sucks b/c then I feel totally responsible, and it feels like he could take or leave me...

[Cognitive_Canine]

lostnscare-I don't think we've tried EVERYTHING... we've tried counseling, we've tried talking it out... but I also don't think either of us are really putting 100% into it. More like we're going through the motions to say we tried. He said 'if you're not happy then we need to end this. I'll be fine." He's pretty much leaving it up to me... which sucks b/c then I feel totally responsible, and it feels like he could take or leave me...

 

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

 

I wouldn't look at it as "he could take or leave me" but as "he's willing to let me go if I'm not happy". It's hard to look at it positively but you have to go 100% or nothing at all when it comes to these things. Because 90% isn't enough during the hard times. It feels hesitant and like you don't really want this.

[amtjrtcet]

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

 

I wouldn't look at it as "he could take or leave me" but as "he's willing to let me go if I'm not happy". It's hard to look at it positively but you have to go 100% or nothing at all when it comes to these things. Because 90% isn't enough during the hard times. It feels hesitant and like you don't really want this.

 

shouldn't be both be 'fighting' for this? like really not willing to let the other go? neither of us are doing that.

[Cognitive_Canine]

shouldn't be both be 'fighting' for this? like really not willing to let the other go? neither of us are doing that.

 

You may both feel like the other should fight for you and that is causing you to wait for the other to take the lead.

 

Have you "fought for him" without worrying about getting hurt more? It does put you in a very vulnerable position but someone has to make the first move here without having their shield up. It's at least worth one more try.

[amtjrtcet]

honestly no...I haven't let my guard down like that. When we were dating he cheated for 1.5 yrs, and then had an emotional affair 6 months before the wedding, so no, I can't bring myself to be that vulnerable. I'm no saint, I've been drawn to other men, but I haven't acted on it....I guess you could say since we've been married I've been sleeping with one eye open.

[lostnscared]

lostnscare-I don't think we've tried EVERYTHING... we've tried counseling, we've tried talking it out... but I also don't think either of us are really putting 100% into it. More like we're going through the motions to say we tried. He said 'if you're not happy then we need to end this. I'll be fine." He's pretty much leaving it up to me... which sucks b/c then I feel totally responsible, and it feels like he could take or leave me...

 

Well I can tell you that my friend(who got married three years ago) intially was the ONLY one putting in the work. Her husband wanted the divorce, he didn't try, and didn't seem to care if the marriage worked or not. While as my friend was h*ll bent on making it work. She put 110% and he put about 20%. She was very vulnerable during this time*I admit* her situation was a lot more dire than yours. As her husband was unemployed, they had kids, and at points he had gotten physical with her. What pushed her to make it work was the kids, and the fact that everyone told her the first year or so would be difficult. She continued pushing and pulling to make it work. They did marriage counseling but that didn't help because he didn't want it to.

 

It took literally two years of her pushing him and working hard at the marriage, a trial separation(4 months) and a lot of family pushing him to get it together, before they finally came together. Now he has put about 80% of his effort into the marriage, which is much better than the 20% that he put into the marriage before. They still are resolving issues, but as they enter into the third year they are really sticking it out and both are trying.

 

Sometimes it takes ONE person to be the one that pushes and fights for the marriage that motivates the other person to want to do the same.

 

If neither of you are trying then it won't get anywhere. He may feel like it's up to "you" because typically it is the woman that is the more emotional creature, the one more invested and so on. He may be waiting for you to fight before he does.

 

So I guess what I'm saying, is try to think about the reason you married him in the first place--what WAS it? What made you fall head over heels in love with him? Use that as motivation to push for the marriage. Try having date nights, talking about old times, doing the things that used to make you click. Tell him you need his help.

 

And if all else doesn't work, try a trial separation and see if that clears your mind about what you should do.

[lostnscared]

honestly no...I haven't let my guard down like that. When we were dating he cheated for 1.5 yrs, and then had an emotional affair 6 months before the wedding, so no, I can't bring myself to be that vulnerable. I'm no saint, I've been drawn to other men, but I haven't acted on it....I guess you could say since we've been married I've been sleeping with one eye open.

 

If you knew all this before you got married, then why did you marry him?

 

There had to be something that *made* you want to try.

 

If there was never trust then I'm sure you wouldn't married him.

 

Is there a reason he cheated? And that you decided to give him another shot?

[Cognitive_Canine]

honestly no...I haven't let my guard down like that. When we were dating he cheated for 1.5 yrs, and then had an emotional affair 6 months before the wedding, so no, I can't bring myself to be that vulnerable. I'm no saint, I've been drawn to other men, but I haven't acted on it....I guess you could say since we've been married I've been sleeping with one eye open.

 

Wow, that's rough. I can't believe that you put up with it for so long.

 

It's probably best that you do leave him. He doesn't seem like a healthy person.

 

If any future boyfriend asks why it didn't work, just tell them the bolded. Your only fault was sticking with him for as long as you did.

[amtjrtcet]

If you knew all this before you got married, then why did you marry him?

 

There had to be something that *made* you want to try.

 

If there was never trust then I'm sure you wouldn't married him.

 

Is there a reason he cheated? And that you decided to give him another shot?

 

i don't know. I looked around at all my friends and i was the only single gal. I was the only one with no children. I felt like "30's around the corner" and "do i really want to start all over with someone else?" I settled. I settled. My friends and family begged me not to get married, but I was wrapped up in the 'wedding', the dress, the ring. I got married 'hoping' things would be ok... and i was a fool. I knew the day I walked down the isle I was making a mistake. And after the honeymoon, reality set in.

[lostnscared]

i don't know. I looked around at all my friends and i was the only single gal. I was the only one with no children. I felt like "30's around the corner" and "do i really want to start all over with someone else?" I settled. I settled. My friends and family begged me not to get married, but I was wrapped up in the 'wedding', the dress, the ring. I got married 'hoping' things would be ok... and i was a fool. I knew the day I walked down the isle I was making a mistake. And after the honeymoon, reality set in.

 

Ok, that makes sense. And this is what I figured.

 

If that is the case and you *feel* that this was a *mistake* and you don't think there will ever be trust and that the love is gone then yes unfortunately divorce is probably the best option. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I understand completely where you are coming from. It's difficult when a majority of your friends are married, have kids, and seem to be moving forward--you want it too.

 

At least you realized that this was you *settling* and this is something that is understandable.

 

I honestly think most men won't be put off by you divorcing. As I said, it's common these days. And the infidelity part *especially* will be understood.

 

I think though, rather than focusing on what men will think--because if your attractive, in shape, and have a good head on your shoulders they will not care--try to really evaluate why this marriage went wrong... The good thing is that your still young and have plenty of time. You now know that you can't *settle* when it comes to marriage.

 

Don't let anyone make you *feel* as if you have to make similar decisions as they do because of a time-table.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

i don't know. I looked around at all my friends and i was the only single gal. I was the only one with no children. I felt like "30's around the corner" and "do i really want to start all over with someone else?" I settled. I settled. My friends and family begged me not to get married, but I was wrapped up in the 'wedding', the dress, the ring. I got married 'hoping' things would be ok... and i was a fool. I knew the day I walked down the isle I was making a mistake. And after the honeymoon, reality set in.

 

There are lots of people (both women and men) who marry because of peer pressure, social acceptance and getting caught up in wedding planning and chance to have that fairy tale wedding. That's why many marriages end within the first few years and many more stick it out for years being miserable. You can't change what you did but there is nothing wrong with acknowledging you both made a mistake and undoing that mistake. Don't let stigma and peer pressure govern your actions now...because that line of thinking is actually how you ended up where you are now. Forget about image, forget about what people will think and say...do what you need to do to extricate yourself from this bad match and take this a lesson learned. Peer pressure and following the crowd very often leads to people making decisions that deep in their hearts they know is wrong for them.

[testcase]

So you married for the wrong reasons... everyone makes mistakes. I'm round your age and honestly a divorced woman would not scare me away one bit. We all have our baggage to me it would show me you know what doesn't work and want to find what does. I'd say go ahead and get your divorce. You deserve to be happy and this situation seems WAYYYYY less than ideal. At the very least next time you do get married it wont be because your wrapped up in the excitement but because you've really found someone you think it can work with.

[bluberry]

i'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this..

 

if you both feel you have made a mistake, maybe its time to move on? But you need to really ask yourself if you are willing to push and make it work. Is this marriage what you really want? Because if you are just trying to make it work half heartedly, you might as well not bother and repair 'yourself' rather than 'us'.

 

Marriage is work, hard work. And you are not even 30 now, if you are already half out, imagine what it will be like for the next 30 years with him. Your love might grow (i've seen couples in arranged marriages who work out) or you might end up being bitter and regret not doing anything now. But i think you really need to ask yourself how long are you willing to make it work.

[sweetgirl030]

I am divorced and I wished I never had divorced. I always in the back of my mind say I want my family back , I miss how it use to be, maybe I could have done more. From experience, my questions is why do people give up on their marriages so easily. Dont say forget about it, do all that you can to fix it, and I dont mean going all physco on her/him. I mean talk things out, find a solution, realize what the problem is and try, try , try to fix it on both sides (his and hers). If you love someone you will give it your all and if it still doesnt work then you KNOW that there was nothing else you could have done. You dont have to change each other to fix a problem. If the problem is going to the bar too much say hey lets do something together that we both enjoy instead but agree to go do what you both like not what just what one wants. And if you say or think its going to fail and there is that type of atmosphereic attitude toward the relationship then it probably will fail. Think positive and show it in your actions. Just dont be selfish in the relationship. Selfishness kills it quick. Believe me, been there done that. I wished I had never.