marry for love or for security???!

[04leah]

hi! when reading this i hope you arent too appalled at my train of thought, but i am being completely genuine and could really use your advice- so it would be great if you could post a reply- whether it be negative or not! lol

anyway hi, im leah and im 23. I have just qualified as a doctor. all my life i have been dedicated to this career, knowing the years ahead of me will be spent training, being examined constantly, working etc. it is what i want to do so much.

however, it has always been my dream to have a young family. to get married and have beautiful children and be a young mother. but i know i cant have both. so here comes the dilema...

since the age of 18, a very close friend and I have discussed what it would be like to be married and have children. he comes froma very different background to me, he is from a wealthy family and now works in the city, earning 'his millions' lol anyway he has always understood my need to work and make it to where i want to get, career wise. also he too has always wanted to start a family reasonably young. so we 'agreed' maybe that we would one day marry and he would work from home and look after the children, whilst i work in the city.

throughout that time and this we have gone off to uni, but been very close to each other still. we have both had other relationships, but nothing serious. in the mean time we 'flirted' and giggled together.

it has now reached the point where he has asked me if i shall marry him. i have been brought up knowing how precious marriage is, and i know it is for life. i know i will have an amazing life with him, with a beautiful country house, swimming pool, you name it... he will be a wonderful father and a loyal and caring husband, i have no doubt. i wish so badly to have children and create a family of my own.

should i marry my friend? who i know i love, but i dont know if i'm 'in love'. he could give me everything.

i dont know what to do. what if i throw this opportunity away of having a fantastic life. maybe i will grow to love him. i dont know, so any input would be great. also what would you personally do?

love leah x

[Eh Im Canadian]

Hey, whats the difference between loving someone and being "in love". They are both the same thing. I guess being "in love" is not really love, but more like extreme infatuation. I personally wouldn't marry him, seeing as I am a guy, but hey if we were in San francisco... just kiddding. He sounds like a great person. If you care about him more than anything else, I would say GO FOR IT. Definitely do not marry him for his money. That is a really bad idea, which never turns out happy. It is all your choice, I shouldn't have any influence on what you decide. I should only remind you of how you feel. You don't need advice on this. If you love him, then you are a very lucky person. You have to think about what you want. I hope you find what you are looking for, and best of luck.

[Gilgamesh]

Go for it, your in love with him already you will know it if you lose him.

 

nothing worse than the regrets of chances not taken.

[kungfumaster]

Hi Leah,

 

What people don't realize is that there are many styles of loving.

 

There is Friendship love where there is not alot of emotion, but alot of caring. This love is based on great mutual respect for each other. This love starts with a liking, and then "grows to something more". The sexual element in this love is not emphasized, but it is there.

 

There is romantic love where there is alot of emotions, feelings and warmth. This is where when you are around that person, you change physilogically, i.e., your pupils dialate, you get sweaty palms, etc. Hence the expression "I feel buterflies in my stomach". The romantic lover tends to love deeply and a heavy emphasis is placed on the sexual relationship, i.e., there is a great need to have sex almost all the time.

 

There are also game playing love, needy love, which I don't think you guys have. There is also practical love and altruistic love which I think you both have. Your love is practical because, as your posts suggests, both of you have thought about this, and it is a reasonable and practical choice to get married given both you and your partners goals in life, i.e., to get married and have kids quite young, while maintaining careers. Altruistic love is a love that is "other centered". I am not sure you guys have this.

 

But, I think you guys have "friendship love" down packed. I think you are looking for "romantic love". Now, I don't know how you will get this, but I still think it is possible to get this. I know alot of women in this forum who have proclaimed that at first, they did not find their mates attractive, but later on, they "grew" to find them more attractive. Being that you are a doctor, I think maybe you are very busy, and don't have very much time to spend with each other, and so, once you do, maybe you will "grow" to find him more attractive. Actually, that is how I felt with my recent ex - I didn't find her very attractive at first - I mean, she was cute, but I thought there were many other women who are more attractive then her. But as our relationship grew, I found her irresistible, and compared to other woman, didn't even hold a candle to her.

 

So, my advise: get married. My guess is that romantic love will come after you have spent more time ACTUALLY together (being you guys probably have busy schedules).

 

Good luck and take care.

Kung fu

[rat_freak]

The first thing I would suggest is that you date for a while - before getting married. Only then will you know if you can spend the rest of your life with this person. Divorces are quite costly and if things don't work out, not only you will get hurt [financially and emotionally] but your kids will too if you want to have a family this early in your life.

 

The second thing - I'd strongly suggest you give yourself some time before you start a family. It sounds like you worked hard to get where you are and are enjoying it. You have your entire life to have kids and once you do, there won't be much room for anything else. I'm 23 and I can't picture myself having kids now or in the near future - there are so many things I want to see and do and I know that with a family, none of those will be possible.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[ydubel]

Few things in life worth having come without costs.

 

I disagree totally with the previous post regarding the issue of family and career. Social constructs may change but the biology of women has not. There is a reason that the "childbearing years" were termed that way.

 

The one thing we do have now is choices. If you want children and a career you will find a way to make it work for you and your family. Children require *ALOT* of time, love and attention. (I say this as a mom of three myself) so a demanding career will be a challenge so don't BS yourself about that.

 

Look, you don't have forever to have children, but it's not something to jump into without serious thought. Many people dealing with infertility issues in their thirties and fourties have expressed regret at having waited b/c the trade off didn't seem worth it.

 

We started our family young and I have no regrets. Raising a toddler in my thirties or fourties held *no* appeal to me. There's a reason that so many older moms of young children look as if they aged ten years in the first two years of the child's life ;-) (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

 

Having a family isn't easy and neither is a good relationship (with yourself or anyone else).

 

I think you should be really honest with yourself. Examine why you want what you think you want? What needs are you seeking to meet? Are you willing to sacrifice to have a family in if so, and what way(s)?

 

Remember there are inifinite solultions to almost every problem. Listen to your heart, but Open your mind.

 

Be well,

Y. Dubel

[dikaia880]

It sounds like you do care for this man very much, and there is no shame in wanting security...the two of you have life "plans" that fit well....

I think one thing to ask yourself is this...What if something happens and you end up together but poor? how would you feel then? Doesn't sound to likely but it might give you some insight...To me it sounds like you care for him more than just a friend and to be honest I feel the best relationships blossom out of friendship (not all, but a good portion)

 

Good luck and let us know what you decide! if it were my I'd marry....but thats just me....

[Gilgamesh]

This line tells me a lot:

 

should i marry my friend? who i know i love, but i dont know if i'm 'in love'

 

It tells me you think he may not be the "one" because you dont feel the magical sparks, maybe your not "In Love", the reason you dont feel that way is because you have bben together so long.

 

You could go out, and find someone new, and yes, at first, like everyone else on the planet, you will feel that passion the sparks will fly, you will say to yourself hey, this is it, this is what im looking for, he is tha one, then after a few months or years, the dust settles, and you can only hope that you have anything similar to what you already have with this man.

 

A man that loves you, understands you respects you, and someone "Who you know you love", you see, in this book of life, you have read the ending, and found out it was good ending, but now your wondering if maybe there would be more excitment reading it from the beginning, and just take your chances on whether the ending will be good or not, the reality is, there are a lot of bad books, and you can only read so many in a life time.

 

I think you will follow your heart, as well as logic, after all you are one smart cookie.

[Heartshock]

Hmmm. I have read the other posts and they make valid points

but I gotta tell ya, in the words of a good friend:

 

"Don't marry some-one because you think you can live with them

- marry 'em because you can't frigging live without them."

 

I am surprised your only choice is to marry this guy immediately or not at all. The other posts are very right in stating that some-times great love needs the incubator of time in which to grow.

 

For what its worth my suggestion would be, at the very least to give the relationship 18 months to grow or diminish. He may turn out to be your very own price charming or just a close friend, with whom you never experience the erotic feelings of "in-love." Are you willing to throw those emotional life experiences away if he is not

 

True, money and security are important, but when you give up your whole lifes energy for these elements, it is difficult to advise you on what will compensate you for them. Will money, the pool, the house?

 

Right now this guy doesn't float your boat. You are marrying him for very real and valid practical reasons. Lovely! It's the stuff we women dream of!!! These marriages can reamin solid for years, decades even, but more than once I have seen them shatter when the "practical" person loses their heart soul and mind to some-one else.

 

Back to the career. Considering you have spent so many years devoted to becoming a doctor, It seems to me that right now that this is the great love affair. (I could be wrong -just a guess). Can you imagine getting to forty having never fulfiled this ambition. How does it feel? Is it a small sense of loss or a large one. This is what you need to ascertain. Note that feeling cause its the type that will exacerbate or diminish over the years.

 

Live your life - where is your heart on this? - If you could choose any life what would it be - leave the "Practical life" to those who choose

never to experience either heartbreak or heart elation - Surely that is choosing never to experience life.

[piscesprincess]

Wow, I'm 23 & still in college (a struggling writer). My aunt who brough me up is a doctor- she worked hard too & now has alot of $ which she saved. Unfortunately she could not have children & my mother (her lil sis) did not have the means to support me, so she took me in after she got married.

 

I guess having children is a fulfilling experience. When you are used to having money or especially when you have to work hard/struggle for it- it is tempting when it comes so easy.

 

I think many marriages fail b/c people have too many fantasies & high expectations (blame tv, media, magazines, pop culture, etc..). It is best to really care for someone, be comfortabble with them. Luxuries in life are a gift. I say, if you two get along famously & you can still be independent b/c you deserve some freedom- then live your dream: have your babies & just accept him, don't expect him to change b/c he seems to love you & wants you just the way you are. Right?

 

P.S. If you meet someone else, tell him the truth, it would only make matters worse if you lie or tell him later on.

[talo]

Dear Leah,

 

should i marry my friend? who i know i love, but i dont know if i'm 'in love'. he could give me everything.

 

i dont know what to do. what if i throw this opportunity away of having a fantastic life. maybe i will grow to love him. i dont know, so any input would be great. also what would you personally do?

love leah x

 

There is love and there is confusion. The confusion is love not knowing love. When love knows love there is no confusion.

 

In love, the I that is confused is the I that is loved.

 

In love, the friend that I am married to, is the friend that I am.

 

In love, knowing I love, is love knowing.

 

In love, there is no need to give me anything, I have/am everything,

 

In love, there is no growing to love, love couldn't grow any bigger.

 

In love, what would I personally do? I can't help myself.

 

In love, x

[Scout]

When the right guy asks you to marry him, you'll KNOW you're in love. There won't be this confusion. You keep coming back to all the nice pretty things this guy can provide for you. Is that all you want out of life? And can't you buy those things yourself as a doctor? You're young, and I would advise you to stop measuring security by the amount of material things someone can provide for you. Wealthy people are used to "buying" whatever they want. This is your life we're talking about here. You don't even know if you love this guy. Yet you're lured by the idea of a country house and a swimming pool. Can you be bought that easily?

 

Blunt words, but I was dismayed to see that none of the other posts pointed out anything similiar. People, sometimes the marriages that seem to offer the most "security" are the very ones where the husband leaves his wife ten, fifteen, twenty years later for a new, younger trophy. Not all the time, but it happens frequently enough in marriages where the man has most of the financial power.

[fiercelyfeminine]

Look deep inside and follow your heart. It sounds cliche, but the only way you can be happy is if you go where your heart leads you. Is it more important to have status or love? Just ask for the highest and greatest good for all that are involved and your situation will unravel itself in time.

[medtranusa]

Marry the man. Having a good friendship is the basis of a great relationship. The stupid sparks people talk about are a sign of a dysfunctional, possibly co-dependent relationship. Go with security, friendship, and trust.

[lady00]

marry for love. a great friendship does not equal a great relationship. sometimes one translates into the other but not always. there is no such thing as total security anyway...u could marry for security and then watch as the person leaves you or dies. I don't see why love and security have to be mutually exclusive. they should both be present for a relationship to work.

[medtranusa]

To Lady:

Security as in financial security continues if the person leaves you or dies if you are married. I still say friends first is the way to go and I could write a book on the subject.

[goddess23]

hey leah! well im young (16), so maybe i still am a firm believer in true love. i just feel that there is this happiness that you will not be able to achieve if that certain connection isn't there with him. think about it. do you WANT to have HIS kids? do u feel as if his genes are the only genes you want for your kids? if this person is your friend, and thats all you feel for him, then thats all he'll ever be. and both of you will eventually end up having afairs because you just will not be satisfied when it comes to that completeness you feel as a person. marraige is a sacred thing, and im not saying that you should definitely not consider him, but as someone else mentioned, start dating him. c how you feel in a relationship. honestly i dont believe in dating or persuing a relationship with someone that you're not physically attracted to. its not about sex, but its just a personal elation that you feel, and when all the other factors fall into place like friendship, financial security, interests, lifestyles etc, then that connection never dies out and you live feeling fullfilled. so just really think about both your feelings and your friend's feelings. you guys maybe the perfect couple in living together and interests and everything but you will never be able to truly commit yourself to that person whole heartedly. just investigate your feelings...money isn't everything and if you are preparing yourself to suppoort yourself, then you have that wonderful choice to marry the one you love.

[izzy_04]

i had a friend that did just that! and they seemed like they had an amazing life for 4 years. they have two children, a boy and a girl, ages 4 and 19months. they had an amazing house, everything you would think of. he was rich rich rich! lol she grew up on the same block as me and had a crappy childhood so i think that that contributed to her decision in marrying this guy. she is really beautiful and could have any guy she wanted, but all she wanted was love and security and with her husband she thought she had it.

anyway 4 years later she is really unhappy and in the middle of a messy divorce. her husband still loves her and would do anything for her, but he is not prepared to give up his kids. so now she feels like crap and blames herself.

i know it is a tough decision, but please just follow your heart. if you love him more than anything, then marry him. if not or there is any doubt dont. especially if you are going to bring children into it all.

i noticed you posted a while ago, have you made a decision? did you/ are you marrying him?

good luck in whatever you have chosen to do

izzy